KLAATU

heya all....I have been in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic ( 5 yrs sobriety) at first, she said she had a f"full plate" and no time for it ( caring for terminally ill mom, 4 yr old daughter, one college course ) but soon we were involved..... though her mom left us a month ago, she recently said she has no time for us again and ended the relationship ... I only visited her 2 nights a wk to fit her schedual ... she said ( in ending it) that spreading herself too thin could jeoprodise her sobriety.... I am confused... all seemed to be going ok.... I did notice however, that she did not openly respond to her mother's passing ...she is easily stressed and I am very concerned about her....we are still friends and I want to help if at all possible....she told me she drank to hide from feelings.... any suggestions ? thank you for listening

Ann

KLAATU

It can be difficult when two people in a relationship are not in the same place at the same time. While you would like to be very serious about this relationship, she has made it clear that she needs some time and space, and you will have to accept that or risk pushing her away.

If she has 5 years sobriety, then she seems to be very aware of what she needs to do to maintain her recovery, and that too needs to be respected.

So you will have to decide if this relationship works for you, exactly as it is. If it does, then just go slow and easy and give her time to process her emotions. If there is nothing in it for you, then perhaps it is time to move on. You don't have to decide today, but give it some thought and if you see that it is a one-way relationship then do what is right for you.

I don't know if you attend Al-Anon or not, but going to meetings will help you deal with your feelings and actions and will help you get your balance back.

Also, I suggest reading the "FYI: Powerposts" at the top of this board. Lots of great information there that may help you see what having a relationship with an A, in recovery or not, can hold.

And welcome to our forum. We're happy to have you join us.

Hugs
Ann

Gabe

when putting their sobriety first is difficult for an alcoholic. But this is what they must do. After living with an alcoholic who put his drinking before all other important things in his life, I have gained a healthy respect for recovering alcoholics who make their sobriety their first priority.
I'm sorry that this has caused you pain in your relationship with your girlfriend. Perhaps when she gets to a less stressful time in her life, you two can reevalutate things.
Peace,
Gabe

12stepmarce

What do you want suggestions about, really? Moving on?

Here's how I do that one. I reconnect with my single friends and make sure I have dates for the weekends, etc. I keep myself in the social loop.

Eventually, I meet someone else.

KLAATU

bravo ! ..... loop ??

KLAATU

I realize what you are saying and will be open for other possible relationships......however , we are still very good friends and I am concerned about her....sure I would like to re-kindle..but if it's not to be.......still want to be a good friend and help if i possibly can..... thank you for the advice though....it is most appreciated : )

smoke gets in my eyes

Marce is forgetting her 12 step training. Someone get me an ice pack! Lie down Marce! Feet up!

Klaatu... welcome!
I cannot resist. Barrata Niktu?

If your friend wants distance, and you want your friend, the only thing to do is give her some time and let her know you care about her and would welcome continuing the friendship at a later time.

When people wind up on an alanon board, however... we usually ask them things like... have you ever had a relationship with a drug or alcohol user before? ... and ... were there alcoholics around when you were growing up? If you say yes to either one of these questions, you might consider checking out alanon for yourself or reading some about codependency. If you have a habit of choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable to you, it can be the result of some skewed learning somewhere. Alanon can help. But usually, in 12 step programs the participants are encouraged not to make major life changes, including starting new relationships, for about a year. That's supposed to give you some time to get to know yourself and what you really want and what kind of relationships to avoid.

Make yourself at home and check out the "power posts" at the top of this and the naranon forums. Just some posts from members that let you know what the program is about and there's a reading list (member contributed) and some interesting threads to look at.

Hugs,
Smoke

KLAATU

thank you for your insight...I have not had a relationship with a recovering alcoholic or drug addict before... ..I know she drank to avoid "feelings" .....she is easily stressed now and seemingly somewhat paranoid.....I asked her when she phoned to end it, to tell me if she didn't really love me , tell me and it would make things easier..... sh e wouldn't ... I guess that's why I hung on.... I will give her the space she asked for .....all I can do is (white light ) prayers for her I guess...and maybe tell her I am available anytime if she wishes to talk ( phone or email) I will see her though as we both do Native American sweat lodges at the same place... I guess that will be a good place to tell her......THANK YOU everyone who has taken the time to respond .... hugs to all........

zoomer

Klaatu, I'm not very exsperianced in the "healing process" of a relationship of an addicted person,so I can't give you any 12 step advice,but in layman term it sounds like she is dumping you. Sure I'v been in relationships with an addictive person,but a healing one, not for long. it's all a wait and see type thing I guess,but if it were me, I'd pull away before being pulled up and down and back and forth. Good luck!!!