Turning to my friends at SR for some parenting wisdom
Chaotically Peaceful
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Turning to my friends at SR for some parenting wisdom
My XAH starting "dating" a woman about 6 weeks ago. She is a MAJOR enabler (duh! LOL! Takes one to know one, right? LOL) and although I knew that is who he would eventually end up with, you just can't fully foresee how it will affect you as a parent. Until this time, he and I were doing OK in our parenting relationship, however, things have REALLY gone downhill in the past 6 weeks.
Background:
They met because DS9 is friends with her son. My XAH picked him up from a playdate on a Friday night and I found out that they started having adult sleepovers with the boys three days later (How do you know when an A is in a new relationship? There is a U-haul in the driveway). Since that came to light, this has been a constant cause of stress for me, but most importantly, to my children. We've talked about him not involving the boys like that at this point (and he always "understands") but then he doesn't follow through (shocking!) and lies to cover it up.
In the past six weeks, this woman has texted me multiple times, shown up at my door unannounced to try to convince me of her sincerity ("I care about him so much and I'm just tired of being alone. I want someone to be there when I get home at night and when I wake up in the morning. I know he is a good person and I am not going to give up on him."), drops off "forgotten" items to the boys on her way home from work, etc. It has been VERY difficult for me (and I AM seeing a counselor) to not fall back into the nasty co-dependent place with her where I am over-explaining myself and trying to convince her of who she is involved with. (No need to lecture, I know that it's pointless, and I have slipped a few times but am making good progress (test of recovery, right?? LOL)) I have blocked her number from my phone but our kids go to school together, the after school program together and XAH has even worked to get our kids on the same baseball team this summer...without my knowledge. ARGH!
I've been trying to focus on what I CAN control, and have been doing a good job overall, but it took a turn this week (or at least I finally realized what was going on). Last Wednesday, Mr. So Remorseful told me how much he misses his boys, how bad he feels for not spending one-on-one time with them and that he wanted to keep them on Friday night (according to our parenting agreement, he is to have them every other weekend from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon so I'm a bit stuck legally, although I have revoked overnights with the hope that he won't push it). I said "I'm sure the boys would love to see you. If you feel that there is a chance that they won't sleep at your house, however, you can bring them back home before bed so they can sleep here." He said "No. I am keeping them at my house. We are going to R's so they boys can play with her son, then going to kickball, then we are going back to my house for the night." I said "Great. Have a good night."
The next day, I found out that after he picked up the boys at 5:00 p.m., he dropped them off at her house and was headed to the lake to go fishing by 6:30 p.m. DS9 told me that his dad didn't get "home" until 5:00 a.m. So in essence, the parenting time he specifically asked for was spent with his girlfriend of 6 weeks, not him. I have since delved further and found out that the boys are sleeping on her floor, wearing the same clothes for 24-48 hours at a time and that XAH has left them alone with her for long periods of time more than just that night (to go golfing, fishing and "work") More importantly, my oldest told me that he is feeling like they are nothing more than sleepover guests during their time with him.
On Monday, I was contacted by both of the boys teachers, independent of each other, to express concerns about the boys' behavior over the past month. DS9's teacher described him as "emotional and detached from school" and DS6's teacher said that she has noticed an increase in defiant and self-soothing behaviors. Coincidence??? Oy! So, they are back in counseling.
In addition, XAH is 9K in arrears in child support and I found out three weeks ago that I have to sell our house before they start foreclosure. I had to tell the boys last week that we are moving...and I have decided that if we are going to move and will have to rent since my credit has been destroyed, we are going to go back to my hometown. It is only 7 miles away but they will have to change schools and this is hard for them. However, I need the physical space from this man (did I mention that his new girlfriend lives around the corner from me??)
I've had to explain all these things to the boys over the past 4 weeks and I realized that I am done with telling the boys "Your Daddy loves you very much but..." when I am starting a conversation about how he has lied or ditched them. This simply is NOT how I want them to think a dad should love his kids. Although he is affectionate and gives hugs and kisses and stuff, the whole package is NOT healthy parental love. I want them to feel that they are deserving of HEALTHY love. I have done a really good job of not expressing my personal opinion of this man to my kids and have never made it about me when it comes to the boys, but I am starting to feel like those words are just another way of protecting this man from the consequences of his choices.
Do any of you have thoughts on how candid I should be with the boys about all of this or at least a better way of wording "love" in this context?
Background:
They met because DS9 is friends with her son. My XAH picked him up from a playdate on a Friday night and I found out that they started having adult sleepovers with the boys three days later (How do you know when an A is in a new relationship? There is a U-haul in the driveway). Since that came to light, this has been a constant cause of stress for me, but most importantly, to my children. We've talked about him not involving the boys like that at this point (and he always "understands") but then he doesn't follow through (shocking!) and lies to cover it up.
In the past six weeks, this woman has texted me multiple times, shown up at my door unannounced to try to convince me of her sincerity ("I care about him so much and I'm just tired of being alone. I want someone to be there when I get home at night and when I wake up in the morning. I know he is a good person and I am not going to give up on him."), drops off "forgotten" items to the boys on her way home from work, etc. It has been VERY difficult for me (and I AM seeing a counselor) to not fall back into the nasty co-dependent place with her where I am over-explaining myself and trying to convince her of who she is involved with. (No need to lecture, I know that it's pointless, and I have slipped a few times but am making good progress (test of recovery, right?? LOL)) I have blocked her number from my phone but our kids go to school together, the after school program together and XAH has even worked to get our kids on the same baseball team this summer...without my knowledge. ARGH!
I've been trying to focus on what I CAN control, and have been doing a good job overall, but it took a turn this week (or at least I finally realized what was going on). Last Wednesday, Mr. So Remorseful told me how much he misses his boys, how bad he feels for not spending one-on-one time with them and that he wanted to keep them on Friday night (according to our parenting agreement, he is to have them every other weekend from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon so I'm a bit stuck legally, although I have revoked overnights with the hope that he won't push it). I said "I'm sure the boys would love to see you. If you feel that there is a chance that they won't sleep at your house, however, you can bring them back home before bed so they can sleep here." He said "No. I am keeping them at my house. We are going to R's so they boys can play with her son, then going to kickball, then we are going back to my house for the night." I said "Great. Have a good night."
The next day, I found out that after he picked up the boys at 5:00 p.m., he dropped them off at her house and was headed to the lake to go fishing by 6:30 p.m. DS9 told me that his dad didn't get "home" until 5:00 a.m. So in essence, the parenting time he specifically asked for was spent with his girlfriend of 6 weeks, not him. I have since delved further and found out that the boys are sleeping on her floor, wearing the same clothes for 24-48 hours at a time and that XAH has left them alone with her for long periods of time more than just that night (to go golfing, fishing and "work") More importantly, my oldest told me that he is feeling like they are nothing more than sleepover guests during their time with him.
On Monday, I was contacted by both of the boys teachers, independent of each other, to express concerns about the boys' behavior over the past month. DS9's teacher described him as "emotional and detached from school" and DS6's teacher said that she has noticed an increase in defiant and self-soothing behaviors. Coincidence??? Oy! So, they are back in counseling.
In addition, XAH is 9K in arrears in child support and I found out three weeks ago that I have to sell our house before they start foreclosure. I had to tell the boys last week that we are moving...and I have decided that if we are going to move and will have to rent since my credit has been destroyed, we are going to go back to my hometown. It is only 7 miles away but they will have to change schools and this is hard for them. However, I need the physical space from this man (did I mention that his new girlfriend lives around the corner from me??)
I've had to explain all these things to the boys over the past 4 weeks and I realized that I am done with telling the boys "Your Daddy loves you very much but..." when I am starting a conversation about how he has lied or ditched them. This simply is NOT how I want them to think a dad should love his kids. Although he is affectionate and gives hugs and kisses and stuff, the whole package is NOT healthy parental love. I want them to feel that they are deserving of HEALTHY love. I have done a really good job of not expressing my personal opinion of this man to my kids and have never made it about me when it comes to the boys, but I am starting to feel like those words are just another way of protecting this man from the consequences of his choices.
Do any of you have thoughts on how candid I should be with the boys about all of this or at least a better way of wording "love" in this context?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
You are absolutely right that you should not be covering over for him when he has "lied or ditched them." You can speak the truth (in an age-appropriate way) without expressing your personal opinion of him. It's a very difficult line to walk, but it can be done. Just the facts. It's not your job to tell them their father loves them, it's his job. More than that, it's his job to show them he loves them.
I had to step way back from my children's relationship with their father. I was always trying to manage things so that they could spend time with him and not get hurt. I smoothed things over and tried to convince him to do the right thing. It was almost as exhausting as it was when we were married. Once I stopped, things got a lot more peaceful at my house and my children grew to trust me since they knew I would tell them the truth, even if the truth was not nice.
L
I had to step way back from my children's relationship with their father. I was always trying to manage things so that they could spend time with him and not get hurt. I smoothed things over and tried to convince him to do the right thing. It was almost as exhausting as it was when we were married. Once I stopped, things got a lot more peaceful at my house and my children grew to trust me since they knew I would tell them the truth, even if the truth was not nice.
L
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Maybe you should all go to counseling.
This sounds like a hot bed that could get ugly fast.
YOu probably need some support and help navigating this mine field.
Yout x sounds like a piece of work, so sorry you are going through all of this.
sending you big hugs K
This sounds like a hot bed that could get ugly fast.
YOu probably need some support and help navigating this mine field.
Yout x sounds like a piece of work, so sorry you are going through all of this.
sending you big hugs K
Chaotically Peaceful
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
You are absolutely right that you should not be covering over for him when he has "lied or ditched them." You can speak the truth (in an age-appropriate way) without expressing your personal opinion of him. It's a very difficult line to walk, but it can be done. Just the facts. It's not your job to tell them their father loves them, it's his job. More than that, it's his job to show them he loves them.
I had to step way back from my children's relationship with their father. I was always trying to manage things so that they could spend time with him and not get hurt. I smoothed things over and tried to convince him to do the right thing. It was almost as exhausting as it was when we were married. Once I stopped, things got a lot more peaceful at my house and my children grew to trust me since they knew I would tell them the truth, even if the truth was not nice.
L
I had to step way back from my children's relationship with their father. I was always trying to manage things so that they could spend time with him and not get hurt. I smoothed things over and tried to convince him to do the right thing. It was almost as exhausting as it was when we were married. Once I stopped, things got a lot more peaceful at my house and my children grew to trust me since they knew I would tell them the truth, even if the truth was not nice.
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I had to step way back from my children's relationship with their father.
There are days when I feel like this is a cop-out, but -- I've exhausted my legal options when it comes to getting full custody of my kids. So I've handed it over to my HP and I'm controlling what I can control: What goes on at MY house.
My AXH also insists on having the kids -- and then the weekends go like this: He goes out to breakfast with some business partners on Saturday mornings, comes home around lunch for a while, usually goes in to the office between 1 and 5 or so, comes home for a couple of hours, and then goes to his drinking buddy's house and doesn't come home until the kids are asleep. Sunday, he goes to a morning Bible study and leaves the kids home, and then comes home and sleeps until 2 or so when I pick the kids up.
Your kids are younger than mine, which makes it harder. But I think kids get it. I've been very straightforward with them about alcoholism -- and about how their dad isn't an evil person but he has a disease. I don't think you need to tell them that he's not taking care of them. They know that, on some level.
Mine just got back from spring break at their dad's house. I don't think they had showered or eaten a single cooked meal in a week. They were happy to be home. They love their dad, but they don't see him as an adult. They have no expectations of him. They don't confide in him. They don't trust him. They're sort of afraid of him, and afraid for him.
As for the girlfriend -- I'd set really strict boundaries with her. Tell her that you don't care what she does with your ex, but that she's not part of YOUR life, and that parenting decisions are made by you and your ex jointly. And tell him the same thing. Wish him (them) good luck and speak well of her to your children. Who knows, the kids may be better off sleeping on her floor and being supervised than staying with your AXH alone if he's drunk?
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