ODAT63

When I met my now xah, he told me how much he used to drink and that he used to work overseas a lot, so his wife used to go visit her family at the reservation while he was gone, then of course he was a mean drunk but never physical abusive..bla bla bla, and one day he came back from his trip and his wife was supposed to come back to their home but she keep making up excuses that could not come home, so he went to the reservation to get her, to his surprised she was pregnant (of course not his). His only child was only 3 years old then, a beautiful little girl. He of course got divorce and left, he never again got in touch with his daughter but once (she was 13 then), when I met him he was still resenting the issue 15 years later.
I made many attempts to find her after we got married in 1995, well it wasn't until after he got sober in 2010 and asked me for the divorce that in an attempt to "get him back" and the help of FB, I was able to locate his daughter then 29 years old.
She got in touch with him, he then went to see her and made amends to her mom and his D, he also found out that she was molested by her stepdad when she was a child so he got drunk over that.
During our separation and divorce, he used to talk by phone and/or send text to our older son (his step son that he raised), now since xmas his communication with our son stopped, I think he found another victim.
I talked to a friend that is an A and he said that my narcissist, resentful XAH punish the kids every time he is mad a the wife!
The sad thing is that my son got married and has a beautiful daughter and he wanted his dad to see her and be part of her life, my XAH is too selfish to care.
How should I handle this? I feel like calling my X and tell him how much he is hurting our son.
My son is too mad at his dad to call him or text. (the bilogical dad died of alcoholism so the only dad my kids have is my now X).
Months by now and X doesn't talk to his daughter or my sons...what the heck is his problem...and he is doing all this sober...aaghh!!
Probably my X just want to forget the past with me and move on, but what about his kids, he did put in the online dating that he has two children (he doesn't include his own D) and he took a couple of his dates with him when visiting my son last year, so why now he is turning his back to them? What a jerk

wicked

Even if you had the ability to make him visit or whatever, why would you want a mean sober or dry drunk torture your children some more?
I am the mother (recovering) of two addicts. My son's father is dead, and my daughter's father is living in Louisiana. (ran away from his responsibilities here in Michigan).
It would never occur to me to call either one of these gutless wonders to hurt my children any more than they already have.
A good parent would call himself, and make an attempt at amends. It would not involve you at all. Please stay out of their relationship.

Beth

theuncertainty

I'm so sorry, ODAT, that you and your kids have to go through this and that his older daughter had to go through it as well.

It is one thing about AXH that I have a very hard time letting go of. How could any one NOT want to spend every spare minute showing DS cool stuff or keep their promises to a sweet 7yo son who thinks (or at least thought) his father hung the moon?

For my own sanity, I HAVE to let go of my expectations of what a father should be like, because AXH is not and will never be that man. All I can do is let DS know that I will not abandon him, ignore him, replace him. All I can do is let DS know that he is loved and no matter what his father does, he does love him too. Just in the only way AXH is capable of, and yes, it's not what we want, but that's what it is. His father's behavior is NOT a reflection of DS and nothing DS did or did not do caused AXH's behavior.

Hugs for you and the kiddos.

ODAT63

I know, I am trying really hard not to call xah, me and my sons talk about it, they are not in a program but I share my ES&H with them, I did say to my son that at least my GD will never see granpa drunk and puckeing his guts out, bleeding every time he pucked and seeing him passed out, He is the one missing on her. Made him feel a little better but still hurts.

theuncertainty

Yes, this:
When I do back-step and ask WHY AXH isn't doing dad-ly things or worry that DS will be just like AXH, my friends remind me that AXH is the one missing out on DS. They also remind me that DS *knows* this and, as long as I continue to heal myself and show him how healthy relationships should be, he's more likely to be the kind of father he wishes he had. I hope that's true, and I pray to HP that I'm strong enough to be that example.