alr

I'm new here, but I'm just looking for some support and I feel like I am not ready to go to my family and I don't want to trouble my friends. I'm engaged to a man, whom when he is sober, is wonderful. But when he drinks, he binge drinks, and lies and doesn't care about anything (not me, not his personal safety) except his next drink. I keep thinking he will get better, I keep believing his promises that he's not going to do it again, but I feel like I am finally ready to admit these promises are ones he cannot keep. I've kicked him out of the house before, and we always end up making up the next day, when he has sobered up. Well, last night was the final straw. He went out, saying he was going to buy me pain meds from the drug store, so here I think he is being all sweet. He returns two hours later, drunk, and while he has the pills, he spent the rest of my money on buying drinks (first he even lied saying he only took enough money for the pills, until I told him I knew how much he had taken). He then said he was going back out, I begged and pleaded with him to just go in the house and go to bed, that he promised me he wouldn't do this anymore. I dumped out and threw the beer bottle he had, he just was angry telling me to get out of his way. He stormed across the street to his sister's place, she heard the ruckus and came out to see what was going on, I explained what had happened, and then he stormed out, walking down the hill into town. I yelled not to come home, and packed up his stuff and it all on the porch of his sister. This is not the first time this has happened, as I said, but usually he makes an attempt to come back. I'm afraid that he's not going to try to come back and I'm also afraid that he is. I know rationally I can't live like this, that he is not going to change, but emotionally I am so upset that I will lose him from my life. To make matters more complicated, I am living in a foreign country, where he is from. I came here to be with him. If I leave him, I am leaving the country, and that is it - so it's not as if I can have the hope that leaving him will help him decide to sober up and come back to me. Sorry to dump all of this on everyone, I just need some support to keep my resolve strong that this is the right thing to do. I usually talk to my mom and friends about my problems, but I know if I say any of this to them it will basically kill their opinion of him forever.

Hopeworks

Hi Air,

Welcome to SR. There is a lot of wisdom and support here from people who have walked in your moccassins... sometimes for decades hoping against hope their A would change and become the man they believed they were meant to be.

I didn't spend decades but I did spend 4 years with a man who like yours was wonderful sober but Mr. Hyde drunk. In the end, after years of rehabs, dry drunk sobriety, real recovery and on and on rollercoaster crazy train life with an A he relapsed again.

How I wish that early on I hadn't kept fantasizing and hoping and dreaming and had stepped off the crazy train at the first station.

Thats my experience. An experienced counselor/therapist in addiction and relationships could be a huge help for you as well as alanon if you can find meetings near you. I would share this with your family... it is the truth and keeping secrets for an A just sets up up to feel worse about the situation and isolates you emotionally from your own support network.

There are lots of information on the stickies and educate yourself on addiction and alcoholism as it is a terrible foe and almost always destroys its victims who are willing to be led to the slaughter. It is heartbreaking thing to watch but trust me you are powerless to change the outcome no matter how hard you try to pretzel yourself into being his savior.

My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers... be strong and take care of you.

dollydo

Welcome, sorry that you are in pain. Have you read the stickies at the top of this forum and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers...lots of great infro at your findertips.

I would suggest that you do reach out to your family and friends, they will think with their head...not their heart.

His disease is a progressive one, without a strong recovery program, it will get worse. There is no cure for alcoholism its only a matter of whether he is sober or not...that's it.

Plus any children born into the world will inherit the gene that predisposes them to addiction.

Lots to think about, keep posting, it will help.

wellnowwhat

To make matters more complicated, I am living in a foreign country, where he is from. I came here to be with him. If I leave him, I am leaving the country, and that is it - so it's not as if I can have the hope that leaving him will help him decide to sober up and come back to me.

When I read this, I had three thoughts.

First he has to sober up for himself, not for you or your relationship. It doesn't work like that if he is going to stay sober. He has to want to be sober regardless of whether he has any relationship or hopes of a relationship with you.

Second, if he does sober up, and decides he wants a relationship with you, distance won't be an obstacle. Throughout history people reunite over the miles, even before all our wonderful technological advances.

Third, if you leave the country, it makes going "no contact" much easier. As said here, no contact = no new pain.

Lastly, if I had known my AH would be alcoholic, I would never have married him. He's a great guy, kindhearted and does his best to do the right thing, but alcohol has a hold on him that he can't shake and alcohol bring misery for all.

Sending kind thoughts your way.

marie1960

"but emotionally I am so upset that I will lose him from my life. "

Air,
So sorry to hear what you are living.

We cannot lose what we do not have. He is lost to addiction. He is not relationship material . He cannot love and treasure you as long as he is an active alkie. The booze is his number one priority at this time.

You will get the same outcome, every single time, he will get drunk, be an ass, apologize, and REPEAT the same scenerio. If nothing changes , nothing changes.

The good news is, you get to make healthy choices for yourself. You can take your life back. This is about how you choose to spend your life. I understand that it hurts today, and it will hurt tomorrow too, spending your life with an active alkie can suck the life right out of you, I could not imagine spending the next 30-40 years living on the "crazy train".

We cannot change the active alkie, time to concentrate on yourself. Make choices that will enrich YOUR life. Take care.

nodaybut2day

Hi air and WELCOME to SR. I'm glad you decided to post. There's some awesome support to be had here.

From reading your post, it sounds like you might need to read or learn about the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

Fundamentally, you already know these. You know it from seeing him do exactly what he wants no matter how much you beg and please. The fact of the matter is you simply cannot MAKE him do anything. The only control you have is over yourself and your own actions.

You mention in your post that you are afraid to lose him from your life; can you explain what exactly you'll be losing? The sober part of him? What about the oh-so-fun binge drinking part of him? Those two parts are one and the same person; are you willing to accept him just as he is today? Because that is the only person he is willing to be.

I remember what it feels like to want to hide a partner's actions and addiction from friends and family, in the hopes of keeping their opinion of that person "intact" in those people's eyes. It's a trap you're creating for yourself. It's simply not your job to make your fiancé look good in the eyes of others while he nose dives into the bottle on a regular basis. He is doing a fine job at destroying his own life and it's not your responsibility to clean up after his messes.

IMO, it's time to rely on the support system you have and let the people who love you help you. Perhaps some distance away from your alcoholic fiancé (AF) will give you perspective on what needs to be done next.

I hope you keep posting and reading lots. SR is a great place to be.

Cyranoak

...that you are going to lose this:

• he binge drinks, and lies and doesn't care about anything (not me, not his personal safety) except his next drink.
• he makes promises that he does not keep.
• He said he was going to buy me pain meds from the drug store and returns two hours later, drunk and spent the rest of my money on buying drinks
• And you feel like it's right to lie to his family about his behavior and protect him from accountability.

What?

silkspin

Keep reading around here; you will hear this same story over and over like a broken record. This is addictive behaviour and it will repeat unless you choose something different, as it's unlikely he will. Boy, I can't tell you how many weekends I had just like that. Drink, get angry, make promises to be better, makeup, rinse, repeat next weekend. Part of the equation that keep this cycle going is our participation in it - our anger at them absolves them of the guilt of the episode, burdens you with their problem and opens the door to drink again. If you read up on addiction it will help you understand this a bit more.


In relationships with addicts, we start taking on much more than we bargained for. Somewhere along the line, likely because we see them in trouble and we're not, we start feeling that we must up our efforts and in doing so, will help them. This is an illusion. You see it yourself from the continued broken promises - nothing you do currently is effective because you are trying to control something that you cannot. Dump out one bottle, it gets replaced. It's a show, drama, you think it may have an impact, really show him you mean business, and really the efforts fall on deaf ears. The best way to help this situation is to shift where you are placing your control - from him to you. When you empower yourself you stop feeding the dynamic that perpetuates the conditions for his drinking. When you stop feeding it, you feel better because it means you have started taking care of yourself and you're letting him feel the full consequences of his behaviour which could increase the chances of him getting help (although never guaranteed).

It's funny how we feel we must protect them like this; I did the same. One important thing I heard that I took to heart was that 'someone else's poor behaviour is not a reflection on me'. This is very hard when it's your partner. It's more about us feeling like we don't want to be judged for selecting someone that others would feel is a loser. I learned to let go of this because it harmed me. My AH is his own person and if he does it, he can own it. It's not up to me to keep him looking good to others, and I also need to let go of feeling judged by others (who aren't perfect either) for my choices of spouse or anything else. If we're protecting them in this way then we're essentially again trying to control something that isn't our place to control.

If you're able to find an Al Anon group, I encourage you to go, and to learn about addiction. It will give you a much better understanding of what this disease is all about, and may help you make some important decisions for your well-being.

celticgenes

Welcome, and sorry for your troubles. You seem smart, and have answered many of your own questions. I have a question for you-why in the world are you protecting your friend's opinions of him?

I have been in your shoes, not wanting to let my family or friends know that my fiance was an alcoholic. Reflected pretty poorly on my decision making! But I resolved with myself to just try to tell the truth. So when people ask why we split, I have one of two versions, the polite (and true) one, "he chose to resume his substance abuse career", and the not so polite, but true, one, "he went full-metal as$hole on me".

Embarrassing for me to admit I went so far as to plan a wedding, far less embarrassing than actually MARRYING HIM!!!

Good luck, trust your instincts.

bailey17

my heart certainly goes out to you. this is a tough situation you have been put in. keep posting here, you will find the strength and wisdom to make the right decision. remember, focus on YOU. your sanity, happiness, needs, and wants. not his. is this life making you happy?? because i can promise you one thing, it will only get worse from here. it may seem to get better for a little while, but eventually it will all crumble. alcoholism is progressive. it will NOT get better while he is an active drinker, no chance.

TakingCharge999

alr

I was with a similar boyfriend

Broke up 3 years ago, today? he is the same jerk and he is the same addict. I know because I work with him and I can overhear his drinking plans.

In my opinion, from different therapies and different therapy groups, visits to AA as a listener, and these years reading hundreds of posts here..and from life and my own experience.... real, consistent change comes from within, takes constant work and takes YEARS if not decades.

If I were you I would cut my losses. Why would you deserve this kind of companionship? you don't. I know many men marry just so its easier for the woman to stay and put up with things. You are still in time to revise why you found this person attractive, and to keep walking in life with people able to love themselves and able to love you... with a partner that deserves the title.

Alcoholism is chronic and progressive.