WendyOWilliams

I broke up with him in november, just before Thansgiving. I'd been supporting him for almost 2 years while he tried to recover and find a job. He went to rehab butwhile he came home sober,, he was also blaming me for 'being controlling' and calling me a vulture. So I kicked him out. How much bs can one woman take already?

I wish I could stop thinking about him. I'm going through the motions to do so - I moved to the place I always wanted to live, I've been taking care of myself, doing things with friends, got my hair done, work is great, etc. But still every morning when i wake up I have him on my mind. My heart tells me leaving him was a big mistake. Huge. But I know intellectually that's just stupid. He was a lame partner for a dozen reasons.

I wish I could get him out of my head. My life is so good now but I miss his companionship so badly.

Pelican

You have completed the physical and geographical removal from the relationship by relocating.

Can I ask what steps you are taking to work on recovering from the mental/emotional aspects of the relationship?

I moved away from my AXH when we divorced. I found a new career and started a new life for myself and children. I also continued to work on healing my life.
I had to look within to find out why I allowed unacceptable behavior in my life. I had to find my self worth again.

WendyOWilliams

I guess I felt the changes I've made were the mental/emotional changes I needed. Clearly I need something more. I've tried to date but it doesn't feel right - the people I meet feel strange. I think i'm going to have to abanda social group I enjoyed a lot cause they always seem to bring him up somehow. I suppose some therapy might be in order but talking about him more seems like a backward approach to forgetting him ... Ugh my heart hurts.

transformyself

Hello! Your title caught my attention. I lived this way for so long. I know your pain Sister.

Pelican is giving you great advice. After you ferret out the source of your obsessive pain and address it, you can move forward.

There's a sticky at the top called "wondering when the pain will stop?" or something to that effect. It's great, helped me a lot, despite not fully remembering the name.

For me, I needed to recognize that my little girl, the part of me that was trashed from literally never being loved by alcoholic, abusive parents, was running the show. She freaked out when I left alcoholic abusive husband because what if he suddenly wanted me back and I ruined everything and look what you've done now and all that CRAP, that programming from my childhood was running amok.

But I didn't know it. I thought it was reality. I bought a book everyone was reading here and it taught me how to parent that little girl, give her what she never got and be a bit more sane. I've posted it already here today, here it is again.

Good luck to you Wendy. If I can do this, you can!!!

How to heal Abandonment Heartbreak & Self Sabotage - Susan Anderson

Pelican

I don't have insurance that covers counseling, so that was not a viable option.

I did have Alanon in my former community, and I also found a group in my current community. Alanon is free.

I found through Alanon the tools to work on being a better me. We did not talk about our A's specifically, but talked about our reactions/responses to life. We were focused on taking care of ourselves so that we can be okay no matter what the people around us are doing - or not doing.

I know from talking with a friend who is a social-worker, our coversations don't focus on my A, but on my emotions instead. Maybe you would find counseling more focused on you than him as well.

I also used self-improvement books to help me retrain my brain.
Two that continue to stay within arms reach:
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie
"You can Heal your Life" by Louise Hay
(plus alanon literature)

You can also keep posting here with your feelings.
We understand.

WendyOWilliams

I did read codependent no more but I should do it again I suppose, as well as do some other reading. I have to be honest that I've never found therapy that useful. I understand my issues, their origins, my own role in them, the roles of others, etc. That doesn't wave a magic wand and make the pain go away. Maybe learning to live with certain pain is the lesson. Some people have to accept some physical pain in life. Maybe this is similar.

ODAT63

reading this helped me a lot. Link is below:

release your past, make peace with it; take the gift of conscious awareness of what the truth is, and what is necessary and get on to your self-healing in regard to creating Real Love…

Then…It’s time to learn about what Real Love looks like, how to start it, how to be it to yourself, and where you need to be within yourself before creating it, and how it feels when you meet it for real…

If you don’t, you will simply be living the same painful, unfulfilling version of your love life over and over again.

It always comes down to choice.

Yes, you can keep doing the old-fashioned way – grieving, crying, suffering self-esteem issues, suffering survival, life and security fears, and feeling totally disconnected from life, love and living for extended periods of time. Some women grieve and don’t recover for years, decades or quite frankly ever…

OR

You can untangle the illusions, see the truth, own it, accept it, and get moving into the creation of your real life, and working diligently on yourself in order to create True Love.

I’d love this because it would make my job much easier, as we wouldn’t be spending hours of time going over and over the same stuck ground, and we could get moving into creating the inspiring, awesome and powerful stuff.

Which is….Warmth, safety, peace, truth, support, loyalty, togetherness, commitment, teamwork, integrity, feelings of knowing and the being at peace within yourself first, and then a man and a relationship that you can trust, and experiencing a love which adds solidness and security to your everyday life experience.

These goals are about moving forward, they are not about staying stuck!



The Confusion of Attraction and Love | Narcissism & Relationships Blog by Melanie Tonia Evans

justrae83

I am going through the EXACT SAME THING...my ex and I split early jan of this year and I AM STILL CRYING EVERY SINGLE DAY 6 times a day. I wake up and he is on my mind and i start crying, i never want to wake up. Everything in my life seems sooooo dull now. I tried dating but it didnt seem right, they never gave me the high he did. I think it may have been easier to move on if i knew he wasent already in love with somone else. I blame myself everyday becuase I loved him so much and i threw it away, i guess i wanted him to fight for me for once, not the other way around.

If anyone has advice how to move on, how to stop the tears, how to stop the pain from losing my best friend and companion..i need it too. Someone told me to journal my thoughts down and I have been doing that, dont know if it is helping yet cuz i have only been doing it for a few days....still crying even as i type now. I cry out to God to take away my pain and to let me get over this and be ok alone, but for these past few months, hell on earth is the only way to describe it.

Wing

Dear justrae, please stay strong. I wish if we could have recovery house for both us to stay together and stay strong. I have 4 week 'no contact' and start to get better... Even though right now, I'm in bed trying to get him out of my mind.

*hug*

Wing

We are fighting for ourselves now. They are toxic to us. When we wish that they could fight against the addiction for a happy ever after life, we actually can't ensure it'd happen, no matter how hard we try; how much we care for them; how much tear we shed.

Now, we have to put the hope and faith on us instead. We fight against our addiction to these toxic relationship with A. If we spend years dreaming that they could get rid of addiction, why not just focus on ourselves and fight for ourselves? We've been attacked by the demon too, we are the victim instead. Better wish for ourselves instead of for them.

Mavis1

wendy, you'll find someone else someday that is so much more worthy of you. you are a strong person to be able to see the situation for what it was. you are in a sense grieving, you are tramatized by what went on and going thru a breakup. I have had the same thing happen to me. it gets better in time, it really does, a day at a time, work the steps, the program really works if you work on it. pray if you do, meditate, don't glorify and remember the good stuff, push that out and remember the trama, that is what I did after awhile, don't beleive everything your brain tells you, you are better off, you said so in your message. keep moving onward and upward, you'll be okay, just dont' fall back into that pit of dispair, you dn't deserve it dear.

all the best, m

skarletstarlet

Is getting over an alcoholic partner a life long journey? I have 2 of his kids. I don't want to be this angry for life! I am only 22!

theuncertainty

Wendy, for me, when I left XAH, what I really (honestly, truly) missed was not XAH's companionship, but the IDEA of a healthy relationship with him. What we could have had, NOT what we actually had. Or I missed the (few and far between) days when I thought we had a good relationship; the days when he would agree to go to the park with DS and I instead of sitting on the couch and drinking until he passed out. The days when we would go out to eat together and he would NOT get a margarita or beer (or a few). It took a long time for me to realize that what I missed was something I could never truly have with XAH.

I ended up writing out a list of what I wanted my home to feel like. Then I sat and re-read it and wrote another list: everything that living in a home with XAH entailed, the good, the bad, the boring, the ugly, the scary. Oh, I know that life is going to be full of ups and downs, relationships take work, they can be challenging: disagreements about where to send the kids for daycare, keep the current car or buy a more reliable one, etc. But I was amazed at how many 'downs' I was able to write up regarding life with XAH and how the 'ups' were becoming less and less frequent.

The overall picture of life with XAH was NOTHING like what I wanted Home or our relationship to be.


I don't think getting over an A is a life long journey, but, unfortunately having to deal with him is going to last a while longer since we have a child together. There are days where I don't think of XAH and everything I went through with him, the days turn into weeks... But then there are days where it comes back, where it sits front and center and demands that I acknowledge it.

It does take time and it does take work. Looking at myself and why I chose XAH, and why I chose to stay with him, is hard and painful work, but it's something I need to do.

SoaringSpirits

Make a list of "good" things about him.
Then make a list of "bad" things.

When you are missing him, look at this list. The bad column will be much longer, I guarantee you. This is what I do whenever I am missing my AH. It always puts things in perspective!

Marytherboo

Posted in wrong place..sorry

LifeRecovery

I had to branch out with different types of therapy other than straight cognitive behavioral for similar reasons to what you expressed. I knew my "stuff" intellectually, but was very disconnected from being able to know it emotionally etc. For me that was part of my history with trauma and it kept me stuck.

Some different "types" of therapy include:
-EMDR/EFT (I have not done extensively)
-Hakomi
-Body work (it woke a whole bunch of stuff up for me)
-Equine therapy (I was shocked what I learned about myself)
-A mindfullness mediation class (not therapy, but it linked in pretty good with it).
-IMAGO work (again I have not done extensively)
-Somatic pyschology work

Don't get me wrong I still need the cognitive stuff every few weeks for the pieces to come together, but a number of the pieces above have moved way more stuff for me than traditional work alone could do. For me my relationship with my ex recreated my family of origin. Looking at it has allowed me to work on healing from the trauma and drama of both.

itsmylifenow

First, I will say I'm happy to have found this forum.

Second, let me say it sucks to be able to relate to such a horrible thing as verbal abuse, dealing with drug addicts and alcoholics. Not what I see in my life.

I, too, feel addicted to my verbal abusing, alcoholic ex-bf. From day one the red flags were all over the field. Everything I have read so far mirror the same relationship I experienced.

And, I don't get it. I don't get why he could say mean things to me, get drunk and talk about other women, manipulate me, control everything I did, who I talked to, who I was friends with, put blame on me for the things he said and did, was so demanding of my time....and yet I can say that I love him? Really? I don't get it. What part of me is not right inside?

We get to a point of breaking up and him finally walking away for good and I come right back with the I love you's and it starts all over again. I get obsessive over what he's doing, look at pics of him at events I know he's at, check dating sites to see if he's back on them or not....WHY??? Because he said he loved me??? Because having him hold me in his arms was the only place I felt warm and safe? Even though that came with a price.

What is it about these relationships that continue to keep us going back and trapped in them? I need OUT FOR GOOD. Not a few weeks, not a month, but forever. But, I can't pinpoint what is keeping this addiction to him alive in my head. Why do I allow it when I know...I KNOW...he is absolute poison....

FindingJoy

We are addicts to...we are addict to them.

I left my ExAB Dec26th 2011 and went no contact Feb 13th.
There are days or moments where I want a "fix" of him.

Part of our cycle was him trying to win me back after I flipped out and said I was done...during this period of the cycle he is super sweet, loving, thoughtful, generous, affectionate, etc... That is what I want a fix of...like an initial drug high. But I remind my self of what follows next in the cycle:

After about 5 days of the above behavior or until I've opened my heart a crack he then takes his foot off the gas and isn't very thoughtful
...Sabatoge type behaviors, lies, not as affectionate, forgetful....as soon as he has me back where he wants me he pushes me away again.

So I ask my self is that I itial high worth the mean hurtful abusive aftermath. That a BIG FAT NO.

I dont miss him I miss the high.

Wing

FindingJoy,

I could totally relate! Similar story for me. Went No Contact since 11 Feb.
& before this, the cycle took 2 weeks, and then 5 days, & finally 1 day. I also asked "are u just trying to test my limit and push me away?" He said no; but the action is a "yes"

Got off the merry-go-around but sometimes I also want a fix. But I'm getting better.

No Contact is very essential

ODAT63

It has been almost two years since my now XAH left, one year since I last saw him, he moved an hour away, which I am so grateful for, he is still in my head, my demons love to talk to him and made illusions of what could of been.
However; meetings, reading and praying does help. It will get better.