Nancy777

Hi, I've been reading this site since November 2011 and it's really helped me understand everything I'm going through.
I'm 46 and married to an AH for 1 1/2 years. He's been an ah for about 20 years. When I meet him 3 years ago I asked all the questions regarding his drinking and he always said he could quit any time he wanted(and various other excuses) Anyway I believed it all. It wasn't till this Nov. when I actually came to terms with his drinking and started calling it what it is. An addiction. This site helped me get through it. Fast forward to today. He was diagnosed with end stage liver disease two weeks ago. We live with his brother. (a situation I've never liked) As every time I would come visit his brother had nothing good to say about my husband. Then I moved in and always the same thing putting my husband down to me every time my husband and I had a problem. Promoting himself as the good guy the one who always does the right thing. One time when he came outside to talk to me he told me that he really really liked me. So that's when I started to avoid him and not let him come between me and my husband. (hard as we live in the same house)
His brother has kidney failure and I've been more than helpful to him with this. To the point where he's taken full advantage of my kindness. I stopped doing certain things for him in November. This led him to start thinking that I don't like him. Point here is you can't live with family members for any length of time.
His brother just got back from a 2 week trip to their home town on Thursday. His brother has always gotten in the middle of my husbands business. So today hubby goes to work and I left to go for a bike ride and what does the brother do the minute I walk out the door but phone my husbands ex wife and tell her I'm an idiot and this is all my fault, because I like to drink rum. Nothing he said on the phone to her was positive about me. Just ran me into the ground.
Since I moved in here I've been telling my husband we need our own place. I called him at work and told him we needed to talk at lunch away from the house. He asked me why and I said "because M always listens in on our conversations" So he came home and M was outside, I started telling hubby that we need to get our own place. Of course M comes in the house in the middle of the conversation, listens. Then comes in the room and says "if you 2 are going to move you need to give me notice" Then all hell broke lose and I told him what I heard him talking about on the phone. He lied said he was talking to someone else and it goes on. M will say anything to come out ahead. It's funny M said lets deal with the truth here N. Did he tell the truth .....no. How do you deal with the truth when one person never does.
If my husband wont stand up for me and put me first before his brother and move out with me then I can't be here anymore.
I'm deeply hurt and sad. I've had all I can take with this living situation, but at the same time really don't want to leave him.

skarletstarlet

I think that's codependency at its finest there Hun. I also can't bear the fact I've left. How could I turn my back on my fiancé? How could I shun him from my kids and act like he means nothing.

It's because he has a disease. It's not something he is conscious of (and even if he is he cant "stop" alone). I have to swallow my feelings for a minute and admit that me leaving is the best thing I can be doing right now. It doesn't seem fair to uproot myself and my kids but we have no choice because daddy is acting like a child himself.

Your husbands alcoholism was talking when he told you he could quit at any time. He can't (or if he can it's very rare and I've never heard of it). He needs to hit rock bottom, admit he has a problem, and then go through a specialized program. Many people on here have said you can tell an alcoholic they have a problem until you are blue in the face but they don't get it. They don't see the problems they are causing. I hope at you get answers and I hope your husband quits drinking for good (hugs).

Nancy777

Thanks for your response. He did hit rock bottom. 17 days ago he was released from the hospital and told he had 3 yrs to live if he didn't get a liver transplant. The issue at hand is we live with his brother who always gets in the middle of everything. Who has since I've known him always run my hubby into the ground and said nothing nice about him. His brother has been doing it to me for sometime now and after over hearing his brother running me into the ground to my husbands ex wife today, that was my limit. I want to be their for him as he has stopped drinking since he was admitted to the hospital, but if his brother isn't going to be supportive and blame me for something that started 20 yrs ago. Then there is no hope.

skarletstarlet

My fiance's family also "interferes" and it drives me crazy! I couldn't imagine how you're doing living with his brother. I am also central to everyone's blame game. We have to accept that they aren't thinking clearly and it is their loss. We are good hearted, loyal people! We did NOT cause this. In my case, my fiancé says if I had cooked dinner more, cleaned more, etc he wouldn't have a drinking problem. I don't think so buddy. Please don't ever take on the blame. My mom did that with my dad and she started to drink beside him. I'm glad you are standing your ground. What is your brother in law like? Does he drink a lot too?

Carol Star

I was addicted to the drama and chaos because it is what I grew up in. It looked familiar. Then legal consequences started happening. He got a dui, he had to pay a bigtime lawyer, he refused treatment his job offered to pay for, he lost his liscense and job. He went to jail. He came out of jail very bitter blaming everybody else. I had to leave. I am so much happier now. I loved him- but love was not enough.

Nancy777

You know I get no support from my hubby or his brother. Everything in this house that happens I have to bear the brunt of it. When my husband left for work this morning he hugged me and said be good. Meaning get along with his brother. I just don't have the strength to do it all the time. When the **** hit the fan yesterday his brother said a few things and walked out of the room then came back in and said "lets deal with the truth" and I said ok what's the truth here M. What did he do ..... nothing but lie. He's nice to my face and when I'm not around he has nothing nice to say about me. I just can't deal with it. I don't know how to deal with it. No his brother doesn't drink daily, just a beer or glass of wine here and there.