anewperspective

Seven years later and I'm still baffled when my ABF disappears. This has been one of the longest-a week. This time, it's different though, for a few reasons. We have a baby together now, and he's been sick. Also, a dramatic events used to precede the disappearances-(fight, death, traumatic event). This time, and actually, the last two times, I don't know what the cause was.

I did receive a text after day two, pretending everything was okay-no apology, just telling me he was sick, sore, and tired. I've struggled with myself-did I react the wrong way by telling him that his disappearance negatively impacted us? I've come to terms with the fact that I was kind, direct, and honest to myself by not holding those feelings in. In any case, I haven't heard from him since.

I've set boundaries just recently-he's not allowed around us if he's been drinking. So I imagine escaping this world of responsibility is how he meets his needs. He doesn't "live" here but is welcome to spend time with us if he is not drinking. I've encouraged him to seek recovery but he's been inconsistent at best with it.

I know now, in my head, that his disappearing probably has very little to do with me or anything I have said or done. I see the pattern, the cycle. This is what he does. This time, he went a whole two months between disappearing, so I was encouraged, I guess? Even though I know in my head that it's not me, it still hurts my heart to be abandoned yet again. It hurts to here my son say "dada" and see his picture and not know when he will call or show again.

With the passage of time and some therapy and going to Al-Anon, I've learned to stop my part of calling and texting obsessively, driving to find him, leaving notes, etc. It still doesn't stop my mind from wondering, my heart from hurting, my dreams from being filled with him, missing him, being mad, sad, and angry, and crumbling a bit more as each day passes. Oh, and listening to the radio and crying at every other song

I'm thinking.....he wants to be let go. And for my sake, I should let him go. Just to deal with all the stuff that comes with that....and pick up the pieces.

Willybluedog

For that beautiful babies sake you should not only let him go but send him packing. You and your baby deserve better, I am glad you are in al-anon and therapy, I don't mean to be mean, but your baby is better off with no daddy than one who does not want to be sober and a constant part of his life.

You have the power to rise above this, to give your child the life he deserves, please make him the focus of your recovery.

Big hugs to you,

Bill

EnglishGarden

Oh how sad your post is. I am sorry you are so lost and hurt.

Please continue Al-Anon. It keeps you from folding in on yourself, helps with your constant thinking about him when he has disappeared yet again, eases the isolation you feel. Please keep going even if the group isn't perfect or it's inconvenient. You desperately need not to isolate.

Please continue therapy if you can afford it. Somewhere in your history you accepted the message from someone that crumbs of love are all you deserve. Find out when that happened and allow the therapist to gradually help you build a sense of self-worth.

You have a baby and that in itself is very isolating. Young mothers are often lonely. But most young mothers do not have partners who are alcoholics and disappear on them for several days at a time to get high.

You are a victim of emotional abuse. His abandonment of you, his indifference, his control: all these are classified as emotional abuse.

It is not your fault, it is his. You do not have to be nice and welcoming to anyone who abuses you and neglects and abandons your child.

You are strong enough to get help, that shows that you can find your way out of this and be a strong protective mother and a woman with enough dignity and self-respect not to allow a man to exploit her.

Continue getting all the help you are now receiving. You are not alone. The world is filled with spouses of addicts, who feel just as you do.

We are here whenever you need to post. Bless you and your baby. If you get healthy, your child will be all right.

anewperspective

Thank you all for your kind words. Getting pregnant is what actually started my seeking therapy, and I started going to Al-Anon when my son was only a few months old. I've learned so much since then. Being healthy is most definitely something that I am seeking to do in order to be the best parent I can be.


Somewhere in your history you accepted the message from someone that crumbs of love are all you deserve. Find out when that happened and allow the therapist to gradually help you build a sense of self-worth.

This is so true...I do continue to go to therapy, I make it a priority. I grew up in with an A father, so one of my fears is continuing the cycle;I'm trying fiercely not to do so. My bf actually called a few hours after this post; we are well on our way to ending our relationship. He had no excuses, realizes what he did was not my fault and that he is not in a place to make me happy. Honestly, I'd be relieved to not be in a relationship with him (after I get over the initial break-up, which honestly, I've already done a lot of that emotional work) What I need to work out in my head is how to manage the safety and care of my son, without infringing upon his right to form a relationship with his father. I can do this, though...

however REGARDLESS of WHAT it is or WHAT drives him, he is incapable of being consistent and present to his family. his demons, his chase, his battle. i'm sad to say that i am glad to hear he does not live with you.

Your words ring true...he can't be there like we need. I've stood my ground and not allowed him to live with me for this reason...I purposely keep our finances very separate. He has been consistent with helping to pay for daycare, but who knows how long that will last. I suspect he goes away to drink, but there could certainly be other addictions. He has no coping skills and avoids everything until it is too much to bear, then runs away.

Again, thank you for the support. I can't express what a help it is.

Willybluedog

Have you checked out the ACOA thread, there is lots of good advice and materials over there.

As an ACOA, your behaviors today are affected by growing up with an alcoholic father.

Best of luck and big hugs,

Bill