Struggling - need your input
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
But the better he is doing I'm getting more and more resentful, angry, ... it is hard to explain that feeling. I'm distancing from him emotionaly, he can see it, but he is respectful in that regard too, he is not making it hard, he is just giving me the space he thinks I need. We didn't speak about it, as honestly I don't even know what would I say, I have no idea why do I feel this way.
That said, you have a right to to any feeling. It helps to keep in mind that feelings operate separately from our rational mind. "Should" is irrelevant. No one knows what you'll think, need and feel in a month; it's best just to take it one day at a time, let him pursue his recovery while you deal with yours.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
I too journaled a lot of my anger out and it helped me not to vent on others. As for moving forward with working on myself, my journalling seemed to come to a standstill.
I then discovered Melody Beattie's "Make Miracles in Forty Days" and I can now do some journalling that is moving me forward in my thinking. I haven't quite defined my miracle or maybe I am afraid to define my miracle but I consider myself to be miraculously doing better than I was a month ago.
Alanon helps a whole lot too.
(((HUGS))) to you. May you find those peaceful moments amid your struggle.
I then discovered Melody Beattie's "Make Miracles in Forty Days" and I can now do some journalling that is moving me forward in my thinking. I haven't quite defined my miracle or maybe I am afraid to define my miracle but I consider myself to be miraculously doing better than I was a month ago.
Alanon helps a whole lot too.
(((HUGS))) to you. May you find those peaceful moments amid your struggle.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Oh, naive, running away from it all is ever so tempting, at least for one moment. I do take care of myself, and I have fun, I have great GF's that I travel a lot with, they make my life so rich. I'm not missing on good times or on enjoying my life.
Thank you NYCDoglvr and Anvilhead, what you said is so true and I know it. You have both reminded me of some very important things that have slipped my mind recently.
I did some writing, a lot actually. I feel much better. I put my rational mind aside and I just wrote my heart out. I first started with how I am angry with myself but later switched to being agree/raging with him.
It felt good to pour all that out, without rationalizing the whole thing, without taking into account all those things I say on these boards often: it is not personal, he was not doing it to you, it is the nature of the disease, and the rest.
I just let my raw emotions take the best of me, and my God, so much anger was there. I swore and cursed him, and myself too.
I was suprised by the amount of anger, but at the end it felt so therapeutic, and I feel so much better.
I don't feel the need to share any of this with RAH, as in the process I understood I am not angry with who he is now, but with who he was. Is that going to remain separate (past him/present him) is left to be seen in the future. But for right now I still have respect for what he is doing right now, and I can see him as another human being who is struggling.
Lately I've been reading a book suggested by LTD called the Shadow effect, it is giving me a lot to think about, and I believe what I have read there has proved to be a great help in the things I was dealing with today. This book has given me a gift of understanding I don't have to be perfect, and I should aknowledge all my urges and emotions, without always trying to do the right thing or judging myself when I don't.
For awhile now I was thinking my recovery is a done deal, I'm there completely, I have it all figured out. Today I learned I still have a long way to go, and that is fine. I feel relieved, as if that was the case, if I was truly a done deal, than it is not so great, the fact there is a still room for growing and improvement is so great, as that means it can get much better than this.
PS. I wrote so much in my own language today, I feel drained now, so it is very hard for me to write in English right now, so I appologize if I didn't make much sense in this post.
Thank you NYCDoglvr and Anvilhead, what you said is so true and I know it. You have both reminded me of some very important things that have slipped my mind recently.
I did some writing, a lot actually. I feel much better. I put my rational mind aside and I just wrote my heart out. I first started with how I am angry with myself but later switched to being agree/raging with him.
It felt good to pour all that out, without rationalizing the whole thing, without taking into account all those things I say on these boards often: it is not personal, he was not doing it to you, it is the nature of the disease, and the rest.
I just let my raw emotions take the best of me, and my God, so much anger was there. I swore and cursed him, and myself too.
I was suprised by the amount of anger, but at the end it felt so therapeutic, and I feel so much better.
I don't feel the need to share any of this with RAH, as in the process I understood I am not angry with who he is now, but with who he was. Is that going to remain separate (past him/present him) is left to be seen in the future. But for right now I still have respect for what he is doing right now, and I can see him as another human being who is struggling.
Lately I've been reading a book suggested by LTD called the Shadow effect, it is giving me a lot to think about, and I believe what I have read there has proved to be a great help in the things I was dealing with today. This book has given me a gift of understanding I don't have to be perfect, and I should aknowledge all my urges and emotions, without always trying to do the right thing or judging myself when I don't.
For awhile now I was thinking my recovery is a done deal, I'm there completely, I have it all figured out. Today I learned I still have a long way to go, and that is fine. I feel relieved, as if that was the case, if I was truly a done deal, than it is not so great, the fact there is a still room for growing and improvement is so great, as that means it can get much better than this.
PS. I wrote so much in my own language today, I feel drained now, so it is very hard for me to write in English right now, so I appologize if I didn't make much sense in this post.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
sesh, i don't believe anyone would have ever guessed that english was NOT your native tongue!
most of the time I feel I'm talking rubbish and not making much sense. And I very often feel frustrated I can't express myself well.
And also sometimes I read threads and I can't figure out what people are talking about, especially when there is some argument going on, (like the thread Can they be sober without AA, that's on the board now - I get what most people are saying, but there was a bit of argument there, and I have no clue what that is about...)
Anyways, thank you, it is a great compliment.
BTW I'm Bosnian
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
It feels I'm missing something and I can't figure it out.
I suspect what you are 'missing' is the adrenalin rush from all the chaos you lived in for so long. The roller coaster is gone. No drama per se any more. And yes, we codies can become 'hooked' on the 'drama', the roller coaster ride, etc
So how about trying to journal about the 'differences' between then and now. That may give you a place to start in your journal and give you some perspective. It may also show you that somewhere in the back of your mind you are 'still waiting for the other shoe to drop.'
Just some ideas that might help with your journaling, and what I found out for me. I was having a real hard time, dealing with the peace and serenity after having lived in chaos and drama for so many years.
Hope that helps a bit.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thanks Laurie.
When I first read what you wrote I thought to myself: No, that is not true, I know better than that. But thinking about it some more I realize it has nothing to do with what I do or do not know. It is not about my rational thoughts but my emotions, and the gap between the two.
Thinking about the whole thing I see I haven't lived a peaceful life for some 20 years now, since I was 19, or ever actually, as my father was an A, and he started getting sick when I was 12, and until I turned 25, when he died, he'd end up in hospital every 6 months, close to dieing (you wouldn't believe all the diseases this man had). When I was 19 the war started in my country, I stayed few months and than fled to UK on my own, where I lived for 6 years as a refugee - working hard and feeling very lonely and scared.
At 25 I returned to Bosnia, met my RAH, had my DD at 26, my dad died, and two weeks after his death my mum was diagnozed with cancer. I was her support for the next few years of chemo and radiation, making sure she gets out of bed and finds a will to fight it...
When she started getting better, RAH started to drink heavily, we went through the whole madness of his alcoholism that led to its big finale of him ending up in hospital with liver cirrhosis, with doctors saying he stands no chances to survive; that was almost 2 years ago. He survived and stayed sober for 4 months and than he started drinking again. We separated and since he has found his way to sobriety. He is sober for some 10 months now, and we are back together for 5.
So when I see the things in this light ( I guess I needed to write it all down) I realize it would be extremely strange if I actually know how to live a stress free life, as looking at my life in black and white it is plain to see I never had that before, so I never learned how to.
But as they say: there is no time like now, so it is time I start learning, which is much easier said than done, as I don't know where to start.
Journaling feels like a very good idea, as since I wrote all that last night (and all this now) I do feel better.
Also, I'm thinking maybe it is good to take few steps back, and stop rationalizing everything, as that leads me to accepting life for what it is, which is of course a good thing, but not so much if I'm not there emotionally. So maybe I should put my ratio aside and deal with my emotions, let myself get angry with everything and everyone or let myself feel whatever other emotion I keep bottling up.
So, that is kind of a plan.
Thank you all, you have given me so much in this thread.
Do you have any more ideas how should I go about this whole thing?
Oh, one more thing that just came to my mind: When thinking of recovery I always had this image in my mind - a long horizontal line that leads to the other side, but now it is being replaced by different image - it is not horizontal but a spiral line, on which it is needed to revisit same parts of the circle, but each new time with a bit of a new perspective. Does that make sense to you?
When I first read what you wrote I thought to myself: No, that is not true, I know better than that. But thinking about it some more I realize it has nothing to do with what I do or do not know. It is not about my rational thoughts but my emotions, and the gap between the two.
Thinking about the whole thing I see I haven't lived a peaceful life for some 20 years now, since I was 19, or ever actually, as my father was an A, and he started getting sick when I was 12, and until I turned 25, when he died, he'd end up in hospital every 6 months, close to dieing (you wouldn't believe all the diseases this man had). When I was 19 the war started in my country, I stayed few months and than fled to UK on my own, where I lived for 6 years as a refugee - working hard and feeling very lonely and scared.
At 25 I returned to Bosnia, met my RAH, had my DD at 26, my dad died, and two weeks after his death my mum was diagnozed with cancer. I was her support for the next few years of chemo and radiation, making sure she gets out of bed and finds a will to fight it...
When she started getting better, RAH started to drink heavily, we went through the whole madness of his alcoholism that led to its big finale of him ending up in hospital with liver cirrhosis, with doctors saying he stands no chances to survive; that was almost 2 years ago. He survived and stayed sober for 4 months and than he started drinking again. We separated and since he has found his way to sobriety. He is sober for some 10 months now, and we are back together for 5.
So when I see the things in this light ( I guess I needed to write it all down) I realize it would be extremely strange if I actually know how to live a stress free life, as looking at my life in black and white it is plain to see I never had that before, so I never learned how to.
But as they say: there is no time like now, so it is time I start learning, which is much easier said than done, as I don't know where to start.
Journaling feels like a very good idea, as since I wrote all that last night (and all this now) I do feel better.
Also, I'm thinking maybe it is good to take few steps back, and stop rationalizing everything, as that leads me to accepting life for what it is, which is of course a good thing, but not so much if I'm not there emotionally. So maybe I should put my ratio aside and deal with my emotions, let myself get angry with everything and everyone or let myself feel whatever other emotion I keep bottling up.
So, that is kind of a plan.
Thank you all, you have given me so much in this thread.
Do you have any more ideas how should I go about this whole thing?
Oh, one more thing that just came to my mind: When thinking of recovery I always had this image in my mind - a long horizontal line that leads to the other side, but now it is being replaced by different image - it is not horizontal but a spiral line, on which it is needed to revisit same parts of the circle, but each new time with a bit of a new perspective. Does that make sense to you?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
yes, i have the same visual of this journey...like a spiral going up a mountain to the summit...and just when you think you're done with something, there it is again...and you think, oh, this again...but you are now standing on a different part of the spiral, so it's not the same...it's the same thing but you aren't the same anymore...
regarding what we were talking about yesterday, forgiveness and mercy for ourselves, what helped you prior in feeling your emotions was to imagine that it was your daughter going through what you've experienced...
just wondering if it might be helpful for you to journal how you feel if your daughter had lived through the list you just wrote here on your last post...it might help you find forgiveness/mercy for yourself...
regarding what we were talking about yesterday, forgiveness and mercy for ourselves, what helped you prior in feeling your emotions was to imagine that it was your daughter going through what you've experienced...
just wondering if it might be helpful for you to journal how you feel if your daughter had lived through the list you just wrote here on your last post...it might help you find forgiveness/mercy for yourself...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Speaking from, well, personal experience.....
From my early codie perspective, it was all about the recovering A not "needing" me anymore. In some really twisted way, I felt abandoned because the person in my life did not need me to clean up the messes. That, imho, can generate a lot of anger and hurt feelings.
From my early codie perspective, it was all about the recovering A not "needing" me anymore. In some really twisted way, I felt abandoned because the person in my life did not need me to clean up the messes. That, imho, can generate a lot of anger and hurt feelings.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thanks naive, that sounds like a very good idea. It did help me in the past. I'll try doing it again.
Hydrogirl, I thought about what you said, and I don't think that is the case with me. As I really dislike it when I feel he needs me. I don't think he actually does need me to do anything for him, but sometimes I notice I start behaving in the way as he does (like I used to do in the past) and I get resentful, as that is not the role that fits me any more.
I don't want him to need me, to depend on me, I want him to love me and respect me and keep his side of the street clean.
We had a slight change in our dynamics today, and I believe it is good. We are both people peasers to an extent, and we don't get into arguments with people in general. In our relationship we have always tried to please the other (back in the time he wasn't drinking, at least not a lot, and even when he was he did the same thing in some twisted way), so we used to put our own needs aside in order to make the other one content. For the past 5 months we have slipped into that same dynamics, but for the past few days, with the way I was feeling I've stopped doing it. He wasn't saying anything or changing his behavior, but I could see he was confused.
But today, he changed his bahavior too, the same way I did.
It felt so good and fresh. Like we are both finally being ourselves, not worring how is that going to affect the other one.
I guess we both did a bit of growing.
Today, unlike yesterday I'm not thinking wether I still love him or not. there are sides of him that I love, there are side of him that annoy me, there are times when I get him and times I think he is being an idiot. It is all part of the package, no one is perfect. But I guess what counts is that today it felt good to be around him, to have him in my life.
So that is some progress.
Hydrogirl, I thought about what you said, and I don't think that is the case with me. As I really dislike it when I feel he needs me. I don't think he actually does need me to do anything for him, but sometimes I notice I start behaving in the way as he does (like I used to do in the past) and I get resentful, as that is not the role that fits me any more.
I don't want him to need me, to depend on me, I want him to love me and respect me and keep his side of the street clean.
We had a slight change in our dynamics today, and I believe it is good. We are both people peasers to an extent, and we don't get into arguments with people in general. In our relationship we have always tried to please the other (back in the time he wasn't drinking, at least not a lot, and even when he was he did the same thing in some twisted way), so we used to put our own needs aside in order to make the other one content. For the past 5 months we have slipped into that same dynamics, but for the past few days, with the way I was feeling I've stopped doing it. He wasn't saying anything or changing his behavior, but I could see he was confused.
But today, he changed his bahavior too, the same way I did.
It felt so good and fresh. Like we are both finally being ourselves, not worring how is that going to affect the other one.
I guess we both did a bit of growing.
Today, unlike yesterday I'm not thinking wether I still love him or not. there are sides of him that I love, there are side of him that annoy me, there are times when I get him and times I think he is being an idiot. It is all part of the package, no one is perfect. But I guess what counts is that today it felt good to be around him, to have him in my life.
So that is some progress.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Originally Posted by sesh
Oh, one more thing that just came to my mind: When thinking of recovery I always had this image in my mind - a long horizontal line that leads to the other side, but now it is being replaced by different image - it is not horizontal but a spiral line, on which it is needed to revisit same parts of the circle, but each new time with a bit of a new perspective. Does that make sense to you?
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