traceydixon

Background - AH was sober from 2005-2011. He decided at the start of 2011 that he was not, in fact an alcoholic, but a victim of his mother's Al-Anon cult programming (his father is also an alcoholic, sober 35+ years). And he started drinking again.

2011 was AWFUL.

I confronted AH the morning of November 17. He has not drank since.

However, nothing's been said or done with regard to the abuse I sustained during 2011. Not. one. word. I've been meditating recently, and it seems to have uncovered this serious anger I am feeling. I do not know what to do.

I doubt he even remembers most of 2011. I remember every single minute of it. Every word. Every insult. Everything.

And I do not know what to do. I think I'm going to have to start seeing a therapist. I know for certain that I have PTSD.

neferkamichael

I doubt he even remembers most of 2011. I remember every single minute of it. Every word. Every insult. Everything.

You confronted him about the drinking, know question him about the abuse. You don't deserve to be abused because he's a drunk.

Willybluedog

Welcome Tracey, so glad you are here, I strongly reccommend therapy, it really helps me deal with my hurt and anger.

Recently before I started with this new therapist I decided to write a time-line of all the damage done to me, rather than having her tease it out over multiple sessions I wanted her to have something to work from.

Putting all that pain on paper was incredibly liberating for me, I just felt like I purged a huge amount of poison. Maybe this would be a good way for him to understand how much he had hurt you.

If you need to talk I will be glad to listen.

Big hugs and best of luck to you.

Bill

Wing

"I doubt he even remembers most of 2011. I remember every single minute of it. Every word. Every insult. Everything."

He wouldn't remember. Addicts loses their memory. I've been being so angry too. I explained my feeling when my ex was sober and when he initiated the talk. But, he said that he couldn't remember all these...

Please look foreword ... Work on your healing and don't look back. It's the best for us...

LifeRecovery

I am living and working on my recovery from PTSD.

Al-anon has been great for dealing with the recovery for me from living with an alcoholic. The PTSD stuff I have worked out with a therapist.

Recovery is possible though.

jessiec

I started seeing a wonderful therapist in Nov. and love it -- learn so much and look forward to each appt! Is it possible to go to some couples counseling too? sounds like there are issues both of you could use guidance on. Best of luck!

CAPTAINZING2000

I was told, you can't wear the serenity prayer out early on ..
I know this is hard to accept but, it is a disease.

You have to concentrate on you if you're to find any peace at all in your life!!

mattmathews

Are you working on your own healing?
They say that the disease of alcoholism affects the alcoholic and an average of 3 other people. I believe it. You just went through it, and that anger you're feeling is an after effect. Living with an alcoholic makes us crazy, and it takes time (and effort) to heal.
When you called Al-Anon a cult, I couldn't tell if you were just repeating what your husband said, or if you believe it yourself. All I know is that Al-Anon helped me. I highly recommend it...it's a gentle healing program.

akrasia

One thing that might help is knowing that you are free to decide that it's already been too much for you, and you don't want to be in the relationship anymore.

It's okay to leave him. That is a perfectly viable option. You don't need his permission or understanding, you don't need the permission of anyone else.

Knowing he had a problem with alcohol, he chose to start drinking again. Now he's chosen to knock it off again--that's nice, that really is. And there is nothing that will ever bring back that YEAR of your life you spent experiencing verbal abuse, financial uncertainty, cleaning up unspeakable messes, etc. If you lost your head and were an absolute swine to someone for a year, would you expect them to then turn around and be your everloving companion with the flip of a switch?

He can get sober on his own--there are oodles of resources for alkies out there.

You may or may not decide to stay in the relationship. It's okay to not know right now. But knowing that you are perfectly justified in just leaving, might make the anger easier to take.

PHIZ007

Gosh I really needed to read this all today myself and akrasia thank you so much for your knowledge and wisdom.....I really needed to read that it is ok to leave as this is something I am really struggling with at the moment myself.

"If you lost your head and were an absolute swine to someone for a year, would you expect them to then turn around and be your everloving companion with the flip of a switch?" - I really really needed to read this too.

Thank you to all at SR for their knowledge, support and words of wisdom....I am off to write a few things down now myself as I think that will help me today.
All the best Phiz

sesh

If he remembers everything and appologize to you, would that be enough?
IMHO the simple truth is no matter what he does or doesn't do right now he can't take away that year.
It is a year of your life, in which you accepted something that is not acceptable for you.

I know it is hard to find peace with something like that, and it is process that takes time. It is you that needs to let go of it, not because of him, not because his hurting you doesn't matter, but because it doesn't matter enough to ruin your present.

You might find out staying with RAH is not the option for you, or you might find out you can let go to the point when staying makes sense, you're the only one that can answer that question. The only person that can resolve your anger is yourself. I think therapy is a good way to go right now.

Your RAH doesn't hold the solution to your problem, only you do. At least that was the case in my experience.

EnglishGarden

I think therapy is vital for you.

It does not matter, in my opinion, the reason someone has abused us. We experienced the abuse. We suffered it, it broke us, and we are left in pieces.

You are a victim of traumatic abuse--and the worst kind of abuse is that which comes at us from someone we love.

I do hope you will find a therapist very soon, who has experience treating abused women, so you can get well.

And in my opinion, eventually, he needs to hear from you a detailed account of what he did in 2011 and he needs to be accountable. That is what recovery is: being accountable for the destruction.

But to do this without the guidance of a therapist will be to put yourself in harm's way, I think. There is a time and place for these confrontations to deal with the wreckage of the past. Let a therapist guide you. Your mind is still in chaos. And his is still an addict mind.

2012 will be your healing year.

traceydixon

I thank you all so kindly for taking the time to respond. All of your words have made me feel so much better.


To clear things up, the reference to "the cult of al-anon" was quoting him; one of his myriad of reasons why it would be okay for him to resume drinking. I do not, at this time, have a solid opinion about al-anon. however, given his feelings about it; it has potential to do more harm than good at this time. Which is why I am considering one-on-one therapy. (RAH is a Psychologist himself).

You've made me feel like it's okay to be angry. I have a hard time being angry at one who acted out of a disease. I feel guilt for being angry at one who cannot even remember what he did. And I feel an inordinate and disproportionate sense of power in that whatever I say happened, happened... as he cannot remember. It's an unfair situation for both of us.

EnglishGarden

Highly educated alcoholics are the most masterful manipulators of all. I know, I was once married to an alcoholic university professor and scholar.

It can mess up your mind. I hope you get the support you need. You deserve it.

inpieces314

I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend. Although I doubt he has ever been sober for 3 months since he started drinking. So he is trying to be sober, and I am trying to forgive him for his past transgressions with me because he has done some really f-ed up ish to me (2011 was absolutely horrendous for me as well). I am also very very angry at him for what he has done. We have fought about it, broken up over it, I have hit him for it, kicked him out of the house, he called the cops on me, you name it. All while he has been drunk and I have been sober. So he remembers none of it. And I have come to the realization that I am going to have to forgive him eventually, if I ever want this to work. Yes, he needs to stop drinking in a big way, but it is not fair to him if I don't forgive him. I am not saying forget about it. I am saying that what he did is in the past, and I do believe that it will actually come out to help me more than him spiritually anyway.

So. We continually fight and argue about what he has or has not done, what I have or have not done as a result, all because of his drinking. "We" have agreed (although he doesn't know this, but he knows something is different) that as long as he takes responsibility for the fact that he needs to stop drinking and he is an absolutely horrible person while he is drunk, and he has done many things that he may or may not remember, but I always will, and that needs to be good enough if we are ever going to move on. Personally, he has been mean and rude and ignorant and every other word you can think of, but it was my choice to stand by him while he did it. If I want him to quit drinking, I need to stop harping him about it, because I think if I were him, I would go back to drinking just to escape me as well (I get very loud and very mean when I get angry).

However, he DOES know that he cannot continue to tell me that these things never happen, or that I am "psycho" or "schizo" or whatever the insult is that day (I am a psychology major, so I get double offended when he calls me that-not only am I NOT insane, but I know what it takes to be.) because he thinks I am making stuff up. Nope, it really did happen, you really did treat me like ****, you are really that ignorant and stupid when you drink. See why I don't like it? Because even if he really doesn't remember, he already hurt me once, every time he did whatever it was he did, and I remember every single time, because I don't forget anything, and I hold grudges like it's my job. But when he says it didn't happen, it's like it is happening to me all over again, and I can't deal with that.

So this is the deal. He accepts responsibility, I forgive. It is very hard to do, and I am still very angry at him a great deal of the time, but he knows that, and I try not to lash out at him like I have been. Oh, and he doesn't drink. It's a work in progress, and it's been like, 4 days. But a whole 4 days without fighting is a miracle around here. So we will see. And like I said, regardless of whether or not things work out with him, I need to forgive him for my own mental health. In his defense, he really doesn't know what he did, at all. It's not fair to treat him like some evil beast because of what he did when he was drunk. We need to blame the alcohol, he needs to not drink, and he needs to make sure he never treats me like that while he is sober so he doesn't have the alcohol for an excuse. Other than that, I really don't know, but we will see.

Tuffgirl

It took me a long time to let go of my anger and find forgiveness. A long time, a separation, anti depressants, and personal counseling. Oh, and Al-Anon and posting here at SR.

But over time, and with more positive consistent behavior from my RAH, I was able to find that place of forgiveness. Now, sometimes I remember those moments you describe above. I can get myself really worked up over them, too. He has made amends, but like your A, I don't think he remembers a lot of the horror that I acutely remember.

One book I read over and over again was "Anger and Forgiveness" by Earnie Larson. It really helped me...because carrying around all that anger and resentment made me a toxic person.

Try to be gentle with yourself - it is normal to feel these emotions.

nicam

Definitely seek professional help for the abuse and PTSD! I have PTSD from years of abuse and am on medication, which is helping tremendously. It did not go away on its own, only got worse as I left it untreated. I finally HAD to get help, my life depended on it.

Anger? I can tell you about anger! Mine is so powerful it's making me act irrationally, seek revenge, etc. I think we need to be angry, it's natural after waking up from the denial. It's good that you recognize what he did to you is unacceptable.

Alanon is not for everyone, so find help in alternative places. Find a specialist that deals with abuse/addiction/trauma. It's interesting that your A abused you only while drinking. They say abuse and addiction are 2 completely separate issues and I know mine was an abuser sober or not (although I can't say he ever had enough time sober to really tell).

Do what you have to do to get better. If you want to go to alanon, go. Don't let his opinions dictate your recovery.

EnglishGarden

It is important not to confuse Recovery with Roller Coaster.

It is a very common pattern for addicts and their codependent partners to go through crisis cycles again and again and again:The Roller Coaster.

In the Roller Coaster, there is commonly first a Betrayal of some kind. Which leads to a Crisis in the relationship. Which leads to a Separation of some kind. Which leads to an emotional Reunion. (This is when the apologies and forgiveness are quite thick). Followed by the Pink Cloud of Delusion that everything is now and will be well.

There is a period of calm.

Then there is a Betrayal of some kind.............and it's back onto the Roller Coaster.

The 9th Step--made direct amends-- of the 12 steps of AA can only be meaningful when an addict has worked the first 8 steps.

Working the first 8 takes a long long time. It is a spiritual journey with no shortcuts.

When the Recovering Addict finally meets the 9th step, he then lists the wrongs he has done and offers what he wants to do as amends. He also asks the person he has wronged if that person needs to share with him any other wrongs the recovering addict may be unaware of and so allow him the opportunity to right those wrongs.

It is essential this happen, this clearing away of simmering resentments of the codependent and the buried guilt of the addict. If this is not done, the buried guilt festers, poisons the addict's self-worth, and increases the chance he will drink or drug again to numb the psychic pain.

An addict who is not working a vigorous program of recovery and who simply cycles through periods of Betrayal and Crisis and Confrontation and the seeking of Forgiveness is not a person who truly wants forgiveness, in my opinion.

What he wants is for nothing to change and for you to get off his back.

When people abuse others, no matter the reason, amends must be made. The disease will thrive otherwise. It feeds on guilt and anger.

naive

thanks so much english garden. brilliantly expressed.