At a loss once again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4
At a loss once again
Hello. I'm new here and thankful to have found this site. I need some guidance with regard to my mother. I think she's an alcoholic. Here it goes.....Things with my parents have never been great. Good but not great. My father wasn’t around much when we were little. His idea of parenting was to be the breadwinner. At times especially as my sister and I got older and starting acting out he was extremely critical both of us and my mother. That in and of itself is a story. My father and I had it out a few times once I finally learned to stand up for myself. He’s not perfect nor am I but the one thing I do give him is it took a LONG LONG time but he’s trying now.
My mom and dad wanted to have kids. They couldn’t. Mom blamed my dad and at one point was unfaithful to my dad thinking that may help with her getting pregnant. It didn’t. My father found out about it because they had gone to see a priest for counseling and he slipped thinking my mom had already told my father. Mind you, my dad doesn’t know I know this and it has never been spoken about between him and me but I question if in fact it has anything to do with how he acts toward my mom.
My mom didn’t have it easy growing up, her dad was non-existent and her mom was a lackluster mother. At one point she boarded out my mom and her sister for a few months with strangers. I know my mom because of that has abandonment issues and always wanted to be a mom.
They ended up adopting J and me I guess in hopes of it getting better between the two of them, but all it did was make them play “happy family”.
Add in the other problem…I don’t remember much of it when my sister and I were young, but I can’t believe it came out of thin air, but my mom is an alcoholic. It got worse when J and I both had left for college and it was just my parents in the house. My mom blames my father for all that is wrong in her world and that is exacerbated by the drinking. It got ugly for a while.
J came back home from college and things were better but the drinking and the bitterness between them is always the pink elephant in the room. Over the years since then it’s a crap shoot as to whether things are going to be okay when I go home, whether she’s going to make an idiot out of herself, etc. The biggest challenge that both my sister and I face is that she’s a closet drinker. She’ll only drink at home or when she’s not driving – so the only people who really have experienced it are my sister, my father, my boyfriend (unfortunately) and a few others.
This past March my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I give my dad credit as he was quite supportive with her diagnosis and being there as much as he could. But I am sure even that wasn’t easy. I have to say it was infuriating for me when she had finished her treatments and went right back to drinking and smoking. (She had quit when going through chemo)
My sister moved out in December and it seems like things are back on the same downward spiral. Over this past Christmas my father has mentioned to my sister and me that he is contemplating leaving. That he is unhappy and lonely. He also told us that he is going to see a therapist.
At one point over the holidays he had asked me to help him move his computer desk and stuff into the guest bedroom. She went nuts when he wanted to throw something out. She attacked him about it. J and I sat her down and talked to her about what she was thinking etc. She has it in her brain that they can live like roommates. I don’t even know where to go with that one. I at one point had a horrible meltdown (at my birthday lunch with her nonetheless) and told her everything I was thinking and feeling about them and her drinking and her going to seek therapy and she made the same promises I hear d a million times before – she’s going to stop drinking and she’s going to seek therapy - and for some reason I thought they were real.
I had planned a trip home (we live in different states) last week for her birthday and the day before I left to come down my dad told me she’s still drinking every night. My deal with her was that if she didn’t stop she couldn’t come up and visit.
As it turns out I'm not home a few hours and she breaks out a bottle of wine at dinner. I explain why I'm upset and leave the house to cool down. I don't see her when I go to bed and the next day she never makes mention of why I was upset. I should know better than to make promises with someone with an addiction problem.
Irrespective.....I went with my sister to my dad's therapy appointment with him on Thursday and it according to her and all of us is now out of our hands to try and handle this on our own. She suggested that we have a sit down with my mom, mom's therapist and all of us about her going to treament. I don't like the word "Intervention", but that's exactly what it is. I'm going back home this coming weekend for it. Needless to say my anxiety is at an all time high.
Mom did come back with me and I've explained that she's not allowed to drink while at my house but she still asked the first night she was up and then proceeded to buy wine last night. I lost it and dumped it all out
I’m so saddened and so angry all in one. I know I have to take a stand but when you confront my mom on stuff like this she immediately goes into attack mode. She doesn’t see it as my cry to and for help for her but as a personal attack and she lashes back. She tells me that she's deserves a glass of wine and can control herself. If you can control yourself why did you hide the wine in the car and why did you lie to me about it?! I went to bed without speaking to her and then this morning it's once again like nothing happened. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.
My mom and dad wanted to have kids. They couldn’t. Mom blamed my dad and at one point was unfaithful to my dad thinking that may help with her getting pregnant. It didn’t. My father found out about it because they had gone to see a priest for counseling and he slipped thinking my mom had already told my father. Mind you, my dad doesn’t know I know this and it has never been spoken about between him and me but I question if in fact it has anything to do with how he acts toward my mom.
My mom didn’t have it easy growing up, her dad was non-existent and her mom was a lackluster mother. At one point she boarded out my mom and her sister for a few months with strangers. I know my mom because of that has abandonment issues and always wanted to be a mom.
They ended up adopting J and me I guess in hopes of it getting better between the two of them, but all it did was make them play “happy family”.
Add in the other problem…I don’t remember much of it when my sister and I were young, but I can’t believe it came out of thin air, but my mom is an alcoholic. It got worse when J and I both had left for college and it was just my parents in the house. My mom blames my father for all that is wrong in her world and that is exacerbated by the drinking. It got ugly for a while.
J came back home from college and things were better but the drinking and the bitterness between them is always the pink elephant in the room. Over the years since then it’s a crap shoot as to whether things are going to be okay when I go home, whether she’s going to make an idiot out of herself, etc. The biggest challenge that both my sister and I face is that she’s a closet drinker. She’ll only drink at home or when she’s not driving – so the only people who really have experienced it are my sister, my father, my boyfriend (unfortunately) and a few others.
This past March my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I give my dad credit as he was quite supportive with her diagnosis and being there as much as he could. But I am sure even that wasn’t easy. I have to say it was infuriating for me when she had finished her treatments and went right back to drinking and smoking. (She had quit when going through chemo)
My sister moved out in December and it seems like things are back on the same downward spiral. Over this past Christmas my father has mentioned to my sister and me that he is contemplating leaving. That he is unhappy and lonely. He also told us that he is going to see a therapist.
At one point over the holidays he had asked me to help him move his computer desk and stuff into the guest bedroom. She went nuts when he wanted to throw something out. She attacked him about it. J and I sat her down and talked to her about what she was thinking etc. She has it in her brain that they can live like roommates. I don’t even know where to go with that one. I at one point had a horrible meltdown (at my birthday lunch with her nonetheless) and told her everything I was thinking and feeling about them and her drinking and her going to seek therapy and she made the same promises I hear d a million times before – she’s going to stop drinking and she’s going to seek therapy - and for some reason I thought they were real.
I had planned a trip home (we live in different states) last week for her birthday and the day before I left to come down my dad told me she’s still drinking every night. My deal with her was that if she didn’t stop she couldn’t come up and visit.
As it turns out I'm not home a few hours and she breaks out a bottle of wine at dinner. I explain why I'm upset and leave the house to cool down. I don't see her when I go to bed and the next day she never makes mention of why I was upset. I should know better than to make promises with someone with an addiction problem.
Irrespective.....I went with my sister to my dad's therapy appointment with him on Thursday and it according to her and all of us is now out of our hands to try and handle this on our own. She suggested that we have a sit down with my mom, mom's therapist and all of us about her going to treament. I don't like the word "Intervention", but that's exactly what it is. I'm going back home this coming weekend for it. Needless to say my anxiety is at an all time high.
Mom did come back with me and I've explained that she's not allowed to drink while at my house but she still asked the first night she was up and then proceeded to buy wine last night. I lost it and dumped it all out
I’m so saddened and so angry all in one. I know I have to take a stand but when you confront my mom on stuff like this she immediately goes into attack mode. She doesn’t see it as my cry to and for help for her but as a personal attack and she lashes back. She tells me that she's deserves a glass of wine and can control herself. If you can control yourself why did you hide the wine in the car and why did you lie to me about it?! I went to bed without speaking to her and then this morning it's once again like nothing happened. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to Sr. Sorry that your situation led you here. But you will find a lot of comfort, support, and resources here so it is a good place to be.
That said, remember the three C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Pouring out alcohol won't get her to stop drinking. Threats, coercion, divorce, DUI's, even jail won't stop her. Only she can stop herself and it has to be her choice. And yes, some people can lose absolutely everything before they make that choice. Some never get to the choosing part.
Read as much as you can about alcoholism. Interventions are sketchy - some here have tried with total failure; others have been successful at it. Some are still trying. But know what you are getting into before you attempt this, and understand and accept the consequences beforehand. A good book to read is "No More Letting Go" by Debra Jay. the entire last half of the book talks of interventions.
Read the stickies at the top of our F&F home page. And consider a few Al-Anon meetings. The face-to-face support is also very helpful, as are the lessons to be learned through a 12 step program. For you. Not for your Mom.
Keep posting and keep reading. Education is empowering!
Take good care,
~T
That said, remember the three C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Pouring out alcohol won't get her to stop drinking. Threats, coercion, divorce, DUI's, even jail won't stop her. Only she can stop herself and it has to be her choice. And yes, some people can lose absolutely everything before they make that choice. Some never get to the choosing part.
Read as much as you can about alcoholism. Interventions are sketchy - some here have tried with total failure; others have been successful at it. Some are still trying. But know what you are getting into before you attempt this, and understand and accept the consequences beforehand. A good book to read is "No More Letting Go" by Debra Jay. the entire last half of the book talks of interventions.
Read the stickies at the top of our F&F home page. And consider a few Al-Anon meetings. The face-to-face support is also very helpful, as are the lessons to be learned through a 12 step program. For you. Not for your Mom.
Keep posting and keep reading. Education is empowering!
Take good care,
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4
Thank you. I appreciate the sentiment. I think part of that was just my anger at going through this again. This isn't my first trip to the rodeo when it comes to substance abuse. I dated a cocaine addict for 3 years before being able to admit to myself I couldn't sit by and love him to death. Sadly I never wanted to "see" my mom in the same category, but the more I sit back and think they are so very similar.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Ships,
Welcome to you, so glad you are here, you are in a crappy situation, one I am all to familiar with, our stories are almost identical except that both my parents were physically abusive, and my dad punished my moms cheating by becoming a serial cheater of epic proportions.
I can tell you absolutely nothing has worked with my mother, she was in the ICU twice in 18 months for alcohol related heart damage, cardiologist sat her down, one glass of wine a day max, any more will kill you and also will reneder your medication useless, she still spends $480.00 a month on madication that will not work because she consumes six bottles of wine a day and has for almost 40 years (she is 78).
Please go over to the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum and do some reading there, I have posted a list of books that my therapist recommends specifically for ACOA's, there is also a separate website Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc., this is an organization that grew out of ala-teen when those kids aged out of the program they wanted something more tailored to them than al-anon.
There are some al-anon chapters that specialize in ACOA issues but they are very limited.
I am in therapy again after many years, this time to deal with the rage and hate I feel at my mother for her abuse and alcoholism, and at my fathers enabling and abuse. I am learning to detach, and the more I detach the better my life is, I am not nearly as stressed as I was before starting therapy.
My dad teeters on leaving, as with your parents, mine are pretty much roommates, my dad is really threatening to leave after 60 years because of my moms chronic lying.
So anyway, read as much as you can stand, check out that book list and the stickies at the top of the page are loaded with resources.
If you would like to talk, we can chat here or you can send me a private message, please remember you are not alone in this, I will be here for you if you need me.
Big hugs and best of luck,
Bill
Welcome to you, so glad you are here, you are in a crappy situation, one I am all to familiar with, our stories are almost identical except that both my parents were physically abusive, and my dad punished my moms cheating by becoming a serial cheater of epic proportions.
I can tell you absolutely nothing has worked with my mother, she was in the ICU twice in 18 months for alcohol related heart damage, cardiologist sat her down, one glass of wine a day max, any more will kill you and also will reneder your medication useless, she still spends $480.00 a month on madication that will not work because she consumes six bottles of wine a day and has for almost 40 years (she is 78).
Please go over to the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum and do some reading there, I have posted a list of books that my therapist recommends specifically for ACOA's, there is also a separate website Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc., this is an organization that grew out of ala-teen when those kids aged out of the program they wanted something more tailored to them than al-anon.
There are some al-anon chapters that specialize in ACOA issues but they are very limited.
I am in therapy again after many years, this time to deal with the rage and hate I feel at my mother for her abuse and alcoholism, and at my fathers enabling and abuse. I am learning to detach, and the more I detach the better my life is, I am not nearly as stressed as I was before starting therapy.
My dad teeters on leaving, as with your parents, mine are pretty much roommates, my dad is really threatening to leave after 60 years because of my moms chronic lying.
So anyway, read as much as you can stand, check out that book list and the stickies at the top of the page are loaded with resources.
If you would like to talk, we can chat here or you can send me a private message, please remember you are not alone in this, I will be here for you if you need me.
Big hugs and best of luck,
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4
Bill,
Thank you for the suggestions. I have been reading and trying to soak up as much as I can. I know that the battle is going to be a tough one so as much of an "artillery stash" as I can stockpile, I am!
UPDATE:
Mom has been visiting as I said for the past few days. We began to chat last night about my feelings, not because she really gives a sh*t, but more because she felt that I "should be nicer to her" and I "don't appreciate her". I took her for a massage for her birthday and the receptionist mentioned a restaurant for after that made good sangria. I responded with "No sangria" and the converstation went on. Mom took this as my attacking her again. She said I haven't been nice to her since she came back with me. I calmly explained that twice now she has broken promises (I know but this is the way I need to couch it) and my feelings are still hurt. She told me to get over it and I'm too sensitive. Which then ensued back into a conversation about the "little bottles" of wine. She came to pick me up from the train station when she bought alcohol the other day and drank it outside the car waiting for my train to arrive. She has never once drank and drove but this scared me and I tried to explain that, all to no avail.
Sitting here typing this out, replaying the convo in my brain I realize how stupid I am. Once again I'm attempting to "rationalize" with the irrational.
Ugh.
Thank you for the suggestions. I have been reading and trying to soak up as much as I can. I know that the battle is going to be a tough one so as much of an "artillery stash" as I can stockpile, I am!
UPDATE:
Mom has been visiting as I said for the past few days. We began to chat last night about my feelings, not because she really gives a sh*t, but more because she felt that I "should be nicer to her" and I "don't appreciate her". I took her for a massage for her birthday and the receptionist mentioned a restaurant for after that made good sangria. I responded with "No sangria" and the converstation went on. Mom took this as my attacking her again. She said I haven't been nice to her since she came back with me. I calmly explained that twice now she has broken promises (I know but this is the way I need to couch it) and my feelings are still hurt. She told me to get over it and I'm too sensitive. Which then ensued back into a conversation about the "little bottles" of wine. She came to pick me up from the train station when she bought alcohol the other day and drank it outside the car waiting for my train to arrive. She has never once drank and drove but this scared me and I tried to explain that, all to no avail.
Sitting here typing this out, replaying the convo in my brain I realize how stupid I am. Once again I'm attempting to "rationalize" with the irrational.
Ugh.
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