Karla Marmalade

Hello!

I am new here, but it is so very very cool to read your messages - so many of you have asked the same questions I have, and have described my partner again and again. Finding this forum is like turnign on a light switch and discovering you've been standing in a crowded room instead of standing all alone in the dark.

I came to this site because my partner is an alcoholic. He is still in denial but his drinking has caused serious problems in our relationship. Just after we moved in together he started getting black-out drunk, flying totally off the handle because of pretty inconsequential things, kicking me out of the house and throwing things at me or near me. Of course, every time after soemthing like this would happen, he would apologize profusely, claim that he was going to stop drinking and pretty much treat me like a wee goddess who was the most important thing in his world. Press repeat 6 or 7 times. I was finally near breaking point, I can't live with that kind of trauma or stress or uncertainty or emotional angst.

But before I could get the ultimatum - it's the drink or it's me - out of my mouth, he quit drinking. For real. I love him and I want to give him a chance, i want to believe him. This last declaration (I will quit drinking because you are more important than drinking) was on Nov. 2nd.
But he's slipped up 3, maybe four times since then. I suppose the first couple of times, I thought maybe it was just a slip up. The last time he got drunk he was in another city visiting family and says that he was away from me, so there is no problem. He's fine when I'm not around, and he doesn't drink because he dosen't want to to hurt anybody - which he doesn't when he's with his friends.

Does this sound familiar to anybody? How do I react? I don't want to be the bad guy or try to control him, but I do *not* want to live with him when he's drinking. I guess I don't know where the boundary is, never mind what to do with it. Any suggestions?

I have two other questions as well. Most of our friends drink. The people he works with are heavy (if not dependent) drinkers. His hobbies (football and music) revolve around a drinking culture. How can we still have fun without drinking - or being exposed to all the pressures to drink?

Lastly, what should I do? Do I also abstain from drinking in order to support him?

whew... there's a lot here, thanks for sticking with me. I guess all this has been building up for a while. Thanks so much for listening and I look forward to hearing from you!
hugs and snogs,
K

smoke gets in my eyes

Hello Karla!

Welcome to the recovery forums.

If an activity is no fun unless you're drinking, then the activity is no fun. The activity was only an excuse for the real fun... which is drinking. People often find that when they stop drinking they have to separate themselves from people and places that encourage that sort of thing. Surely there are other things you like to do together?

We've had a number of threads about whether or not it's okay to drink around a recovering spouse if you're a "normie". It's really very individual. Dino's doc was not alcohol, but as I've had some very unpleasant experiences with him drinking as well as using his real favorites, I can hardly stand the sight of alcohol. I had all but quit drinking because of a tendency of my own to party a little too hearty, and dealing with Dino just pushed me over the edge. Most days I wouldn't drink if you paid me. Every so often I feel the call of the wild.

You don't have to decide right away if the situation is tolerable. You can't really know if he's going to be able to stick it, or if these little forays are just going to turn him back to his former habits. If the uncertainty is making you insane, that's different. But if you are able to let go of worrying about what he's up to when he's elsewhere, you can take it a day at a time.

Have you thought about looking for an alanon group in your area?

I'm glad you found us.
Hugs,
Smoke

Daffodil

Karla

Welcome to Sober Recovery! So glad you found us...Take a look around, read the power posts at the top pf the forum...
You are not alone...we who live with the disease of alcoholism understand as prehaps few others can...
Alot of us found OUR recovery program by going to Al-Anon. I personally would not/could not live with the active alcoholic without the program of Al-Anon and the tools it has to offer me in learning not only what my boundries are but how to inforce them...
Keep coming back..
Love and prayers from one who cares,

Daffy

Karla Marmalade

Thank-you for your warm welcomes! I cannot emphasize enough how much better i feel just being able to speak about these things. I feel stronger and more equipped to deal with the difficulties my partner and I face.

Smoke - you said, "If an activity is no fun unless you're drinking, then the activity is no fun. The activity was only an excuse for the real fun... which is drinking" and I can see this may have been the case in the beginning, but there really are cultures that revolve around alcohol. I mean, my partner is Irish adn his entire family are heavy drinkers - never mind the social circles he grew up with. it's like his physical, social and mental boundaries are different. I'd go so far as to say that the things they value are effected by alcohol. I doubt alcohol was the original catalyst for a lot of his associations, but even if those associations have been replaced for straight up drinking, most of the people we know who share our musical tastes and world views tend to meet in bars, have parties and congregate around masses of alcohol... Going to the pub after the football game is an almost expected ritual. It's like there is a social world attached to drinking that seems to disappear when you're not.
I think this is one of the greatest barriers he faces, and I don't know how to deal with it or what to suggest. I suppose we need to do some pretty serious thinking about this, I'm just not sure where to start.

I will check out those threads about spouses drinking and for alanon meetings in my area.

And thanks Daffy for the welcome, it's a real pleasure meeting you both thanks so much for the suggestions.

hugs and snogs,
K