brownhorse

Be prepared for a good laugh!

So, I am dealing with the drama of divorcing my RA minus the R goes to AA maybe every few weeks. I am done with the roller coaster.

A few nights ago I came home from an Al-anon meeting, some of his visitation is at my house right now, I forgot about my son's therapy appoinment. RA was upset he thought I stopped therapy, he did not have gas to get him there, and I was not their only parent. Well, this turned into a discussion about life. He is sick of "watching" the kids while I go to Zumba and Al-anon. He does not like the person I am becoming. I am like a wall. So, he is changing the days he has kids. (He gets them every other weekend and up to 4 hours twice a week.) And he says he sees them more than me. Well, ok this is the funny part. Which in his eyes I can see why he thinks this, therapist said, hard to be an alcoholic without a codependent.

Anyway, funny part, right out of the mouth of my RA...."AA is for selflessness, Al-anon is for selfishness!"

Clap your hands if you're selfish and you're sure!

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I will take selfishness any day! It sure beats all that FOCUS I use to give the AH and his behavior. I love using that energy for me and creating a much healthier life!!

So go ahead, call me SELFISH!! It is about time I took care of me!!

fourmaggie

LMAO!....keep doing what you are doing....moving forward!

TakingCharge999

Ohh someone calling me selfish would be a sign I am recovering from codependency! I would be thrilled

Keep moving forward!

brownhorse

I believe him and it feels good now. That was a bad day and I have to figure some things out so I can keep doing things that make me happy and sane, but it feels good.

It must be really hard figuring out someone's not going to follow you around and pick up the pieces any more. I feel good. Now, just 4 more months and a final divorce.

EnglishGarden

Funny how they hate Al-Anon until their alcoholic wife or brother or mother or son or daughter gets the third DUI, or ends up in ICU, or nearly kills one of the kids driving drunk and the counselors and/or judges say, "Go to Al-Anon. Now."

So then the A is sitting in three or four meetings a week, the selfless ones and the selfish ones. It sometimes takes a lot to crack that ego.

You're doing great, brownhorse.

FindingJoy

I was taught at a very young age that Selfish=very bad girl

Of course I carried this through my life and overcompensated to ensure I was NEVER selfish. We all know how that ended up.

So I'm proud to say " yes mom I am a selfish spoiled brat at age 4 and 34!"

Whoooo hooooo

CanfixONLYme

Hi brownhorse! Yay! Very happy that you are not letting RA's comments get to you... that you are actually laughing at the absurdity of his manipulative comments! Awesome, awesome, awesome!

I love positive posts like this, and I love the people who have commented with encouragement to your progression in recovery. That just makes my heart sing. Here's to more positive growth in all our lives and thanks again for sharing this with us.

Good on you! Hugs!

oh and ps...

brownhorse

One step at a time. Literally! First was making him responsible for kids and custody, it is a work in progress but most of the time I do well. second, Detach with love. This is getting easy. He words really make me laugh and feel sorry for him. They do not hurt any more. Next, bills and getting stuff out of my house. Divorce final in May. That is my goal. Thanks everybody. I finally feel like this is getting easier!

blwninthewind

I would say you've just learned some VERY valuable information that if needed can help you in your divorce.

1) RAH (and I use that term loosely) is trying to plan his visitations when your son doesn't have therapy..as why should he use HIS gas to take him. I mean it's not like he's his PARENT or anything...LOL...schmuck!

2) He doesn't value the time spent with them, being that he thinks he is just babysitting his own kids. This is something that CAN be changed...his own lack of self worth and self esteem is getting in the way of seeing what an important part he plays in their lives. Be sad for him about this one...

3) He believes your the selfish one because YOU...their MOM wants/needs/deserves some ME time. But yet...he comes and goes at will. It shows that he believes you to be the stability in their lives and is confused why you would want/need to spend some time developing your own interests outside of your children. This is all his thoughts about motherhood and his own mama issues...not about you at all.

4) He is willing to mess up his OWN plans in order to prevent you from building a new life. This reeks of selfishness and JEALOUSY. Ignore him...he's just being difficult because he can.

Remember just because he says something doesn't make it true! He's going to keep coming with zingers because he isn't getting the reactions he used to and expects. The RAH really does escalate to all new lows in what they say, threaten and even sometimes believe. I would say tell him to worry about his recovery and stay out of yours.

Tuffgirl

Thanks for the good laugh, brownhorse. Like English Garden says - it takes a lot to crack the ego of the alcoholic.

And to second blwninthewind above - telling him to stay on his side of the street is a good idea. If he is going to AA enough - he'll hear the lingo.

It feels good to be selfish...I enjoy the heck out of it!