onlyforher

Sitting here wondering what to do, hoping I can get some advice/direction. My daughter 22 moved back in with us when she revealed she was pregnant. We thought we could help her get on the right foot, save some money, get out on her own after the baby was born, etc. My granddaughter, now 17 months - the love of my life for sure is in the middle of what do we do next. My daughter is an alcoholic, I can finally admit to now, denial has passed. She has lost her job due to alcohol, she has 2 DUI's, we drive her everywhere. To get her license back until the court date, she underwent an evaluation, they only required 40 hours of group therapy. After last night, I am convinced she needs more intense treatment. We told her if it happens again she will have to find another place to stay, we cannot take anymore. She says she has no place to go. She is a cutter also to add to the list of problems. I know she loves her daughter very much, but she is an addict, I don't know what to do. If it weren't for my grandchild I would have kicked her out a long time ago and not put up with her lies and manipulation. She uses my granddaughter against me, because she knows that is my weak spot, my granddaughter has become my life and I try and protect her from all of this craziness. I have become an enabler because of my granddaughter. What is best for my grandchild? To live with us or stay with her mother. It scares me to death knowing I may be raising another child at 46, is that fair to my granddaughter. Do I make her go through this with her mother like a women's shelter? It would break my heart to take her away from the place she is comfortable with and calls home, my home. Scared, confused and at a loss of what to do and do not want to lose my granddaughter or my husband for that matter. My husband love his granddaughter, but he also is emotionally and financially spent on this whole situation. Any advice what to do next?

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I recommend reading in the permanent posts located at the top of this page. Some of our stories are there, and loads of wisdom from others that have walked the same path you are now walking.

I suggest you consult with a family lawyer to see what your rights are concerning your grandchild. You may need to let the child go with the mother and live at a shelter. Not too many "friends" are going to let her couch surf with a toddler. It may take your daughter landing hard on her bottom with a child in tow to realize her lifestyle needs to change.

I would like to share with you based on experience what my parents helped me do.

I am a recovering alcoholic.
I was actively drinking while my children were small. I enjoyed socializing on the weekends with friends. I really liked it when my parents offered to watch the kids for the weekend. It gave me a chance to do what I wanted - drink.

Watching my children wasn't helping me face my addiction. It enabled my addiction.

Please stick around and keep reaching out.
I'm sure others will be along later to share their personal experience and offer you support. (weekends can be rather quiet).

blwninthewind

I respectfully disagree w/ the above poster.
I really feel that an innocent toddler should NOT be left in her mothers care if she is an active alcoholic.
We had an incident in my city where a mother actually walked off and left her child in the parking lot of a convienence store...forgetting she drove there w/ the child...in Aug. the child was not found for hours. she died.
Had someone stepped in and said this childs best interests are not being looked after by her mother she would still be alive.
But no one wanted to take her baby away...
I understand but now she's gone forever. Mom is in jail and even if she gets over her addictions she will never forgive herself for what she has done.

I say take the baby.
So what if your daughter gets pissed off...maybe losing her child will push her to see the light and if it doesn't ...well not much else will.

If not...your only 46. You can do this. One day your granddaughter will thank you for it.

suki44883

I posted this on your other thread...

I am so sorry to hear about this. It is always so much harder when children are involved. I suggest you make an appointment with an attorney to find out exactly what your rights are in this situation. It is evident that your daughter isn't able to properly care for her child. It is possible that you could secure temporary custody for a period of time to see if your daughter gets help for her problems. If she does, and can prove that she is able to properly care for the child, she could regain possession. If not, then you could assume permanent guardianship.

Many grandparents are raising their grandchildren these days, and many of them are much older than you. The main focus should be what is best for the child, and living with grandparents is far better than living with an addict and self-abuser. Thank God this little child has you to look out for her.

Edit to add: Is the childs father in the picture at all?

MyBetterWorld

File for custody. If for some reason I wasn't around (dead) I would hope to high heaven that my mom or dad would file for custody rather than have my girls in the precarious position of having their "father taking care of them"

Is this sweet baby's dad in the picture at all?

naive

get to a lawyer and see what your rights are.

begin documenting to prove your case.

nodaybut2day

I have to agree with Naive. Get a lawyer. Get three. Get informed and find out what it would take to get custody of this child all the while removing your daughter from your home. Your grand-daughter deserves to be raised in a sane environment, just as she deserves a healthy and happy caregiver, be it you or her biomom. Since her biomom is currently not ready to care for the child properly, IMO, it's your responsibility to do so.

It totally sucks and I'm so sorry you have to face this, but I am SO relieved that you are thinking of what's best for the baby.

m1k3

I have no experience to share about your granddaughter.

What I can share is the even if your daughter isn't working a recovery you can. I strongly recommend go to Al-Anon. It gave be the tools and support I needed to get my life back together after I separated from my alcoholic wife of 36 years. It was literally a life saver for me. I was in a very dark place. Now I am sane, happy and serene, well at least most of the time.

I strongly recommend going to more than 1 meeting as they each have their own flavor. Also I recommend going to at least 6 meetings before you decide that it is not for you.

Another thing we learn here is the 3 c's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

Your daughter will get better when she is ready to get better and not one second sooner.

Dealing with an alcoholic is very traumatic so take care of yourself. A saying I like is "if I won't stick up for me, who will?".

Keep coming back as there is tons of wisdom and support to be found in this forum.

Your friend,