JillGorges87

So, my husband was pretty much in a blackout this entire weekend. So sad. Anyway, I told him that there will be no more alcohol in this home. He can drink if he so chooses, but he has to go elsewhere. Not to leave to drink, and come home drunk. He can come home when he is sober. If he will not leave the house and chooses to drink then I am going to take myself and my kids to stay with my mom.

Here is my question: there is still some left over alcohol from what he brought home this weekend. Since I said there is to be no alcohol in this home, can I now go and throw it out? I know it does no good to throw away the alcohol when they continue to drink because they will just go buy more. But now that I have established a clear boundary this goes past just throwing out alcohol to try and stop the drinking.

Obviously if I don't toss it then there is still alcohol in my home which goes against my boundary.

Cyranoak

May I suggest two things? The first is that this is only a boundary if you will follow through on it. If you will, awesome. If not, this isn't a boundary it's a bluff.

Secondly, I had the same alcohol in the house question several years ago. Somebody suggested to me that she'll just hide it anyway, so that I instead set a boundary around that as well. So, my boundary was that if she were drunk at home, if I found alcohol at home, or that if she came home drunk I would leave her and divorce her.

She did and I did.

Take what you want and leave the rest. Good luck.

Cyranoak

Sotiredofitall

When I made that boundary for my home I realized that HE had to deal with the alcohol left in our home. He said he wanted to quit so I let him deal with it. It took him a few days of his program to decide to dump what was left. That was a good sign for me that he actually *got* what I had been saying. That was a turning point for me in the relationship. For ME, leaving it in the house left it for him to decide what was more important to him. He knew I would leave if a decision was made differently. But then, he wanted to keep the relationship with me. I don't know where your husband's mind is. Good luck. It took me almost 30years of insanity to finally come to my breaking point.

JillGorges87

Thank you both for your comments. I see where you are both coming from. I have set "boundaries" in the past that I almost never followed through with. I would set them but I was still unsure of myself. Today I am fully prepared to follow through, and the best part is I FEEL OKAY AND AT PEACE WITH IT. I know the decision I am making is right for me and my children. I contacted my mom last night to ask her if it was alright for me to go there if I need to leave the house. Of course she said yes. So I now have a plan in place should I need to act.

When I read this the light bulb went off in my head. If I am trashing it, wouldn't that just be another way for me to control his decisions and behaviors? My answer is yes. I cannot continue to pick up the pieces in his life. The last time we talked about it he still maintains the claim that he does not have a problem. He feels the only problem is that I have a problem with it. That used to **** me off so much! But today, I am in acceptance. It feels really good too. He has the choice to live his life the way he wants, and so do I. I told him that at some point down the road, I cant just keep leaving with the kids when he decides to drink in the house. My son is in school and since we are in the military we are 2 hours away from my moms house. Thank god we are even within driving distance! My point is, if I had to leave during the school week he would most likely miss school and that is not fair to him. I will have to consider other options such as living apart and divorce. I have not made the threat to leave because I am not at that point yet, but he knows that it will be something I am willing to consider if he decides he will not get sober

MyBetterWorld

I used to tell my XAh no booze in the house. So, of course, he kept it in his car, kept finding reasons to go out and drink in the driveway. When I called him on it, he said "what? you said no drinking in the house, so I am drinking in the driveway out of respect for you"

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW

Willybluedog

Nothing like addict logic, it is just like raising kids and dealing with lawyers, always looking for the freaking loopholes to slip through.

laurie6781

Me, I'd take all of it, line it up like soldiers outside, by the door he always uses, that he would have to trip over to reach the door, with a sign, GET THIS OUT OF HERE AND OFF THE PROPERTY NOW.

If he did not, then I would feel free to pour it down the drain and throw the empties in the trash.

I would not have thrown it out, he could have that honor if he chose to, and I was getting it out of my house, and off my property.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

onlythetruth

I'd hardly say that the practice of law can be equated to being childish or having an addiction.

Practicing law requires knowledge, judgment, and a great deal of logic. Show me a child or an addict who operates that way!

Drinking in the car instead of in the house "out of respect"...that's plain ol' crazy!

JillGorges87

oh my god, I'm sorry but when I read this I just died laughing. The active alcoholic is soooo insane that I honestly have to just laugh at it sometimes. If I didnt I would probably loose my mind.

JillGorges87

Holy **** no kidding! My AH pleaded and begged today for me to "compromise" with him on my boundaries. Looking for another chance. I honestly had to try so hard not to laugh...and then as he kept pushing and pushing I just had to end the convo. Boundaries are NON NEGOTIABLE. And guess what, I did it! He decided to drink today and I am now at my moms. It was not even hard to leave, IT WAS ONLY TRAGIC to watch him cry and beg. So sad.

bless5

Good for you JillGorges87. One step at a time, one day at a time! Now, think of the next step. Not that you will have to take it. What will you have to do to create a peaceful, joyfilled life for you and your children. I finally realized each step of the way that I had to know what my plan was for the next step. Either, find an apartment, move in with my parents, whatever it was, I had to have a plan that wasn't based on emotions. And I told my husband what the next step was for me in a none emotional state. He was "warned" and I think shocked that I had really thought it through, and he finally knew I was serious and I would take that step. That's when he finally sought recovery.

Prayers for peace and joy for you and your family! Stay strong~

GirlFromCO

Question for you, do you think having a drunk for a Dad is really all that fair to your son?

Also, you're right, you don't need to "keep leaving with the kids when he decides to drink in the house." You only need to leave once.

I think you did a good thing, Jill. You are super strong and I am proud of you All my best to you.

JillGorges87

Of course I don't think it is fair to either of my kids. This one main reason why I am where I am tonight.

and Bless5 I totally agree, each step I take the next step becomes clear. I have taken care of what I have control of in my life today, and let go of the rest. Tomorrow brings new situations, that I will not anticipate today, but deal with in the present tomorrow. My husband has never been given a reason to even want to get sober, let alone really look at his problem. I hope that through me standing by my word and no longer enabling him will help give him a reason to choose sobriety. If it doesn't, thats okay and I can accept it. I think my husband was really shocked that I actually took the steps that I have today. I will not know until tomorrow how he feels because I told him that I would not speak with him unless he was sober, which obviously today he wasn't.

GirlFromCO

You rock. You're a great Mom!

bless5

Your ROCK!!!!

Sounds like you are on the path to recovery for you and your children. Now, you will have to see what path he takes and it sounds like you are ready for either and that's EXACTLY where you need to be. You are a strong women and a fantastic mother. YOU GO GIRL!!!

JillGorges87

Thank you!! I will be honest, half way through the day today it started to hurt like hell!!!! BUT I know I am doing the right thing, and I am allowed to feel hurt. I am comfortable feeling uncomfortable emotions and because of this I know that I will keep pushing forward. Today my husband at this point is no where near ready to get sober, even with me being gone the last 2 days. Does that suck? YES. Is it sad? YOU BET. But that is his choice for his life, and I choose mine to be a happy and healthy one. Not miserable and sick

bless5

Again -

BobbyJ

One of the things that I have learned and that helped me alot was this...

I use to say, he wont or i cant do this, when he is drinking....

BUT

I can or say or do this, when he is sober....

BUT........Until, the alcoholic is truely, really, sober *RECOVERED*...It's all the same crazy thing. Running like a hampster on the wheel, over and over....

I use to think,...he drank on Monday (he was drunk), but he didnt drink on Tuesday (so he is sober).........WRONG THINKING!! That was my fault for thinking like that...

When alcoholics continue to poor the crap down their throats, everyday or every other day...they are NOT sober....The pickle is still floating in the jar...

Mine crashed into me on a motorcycle..I asked him, before we walked out the door.."You havent been drinking, have you?"....OMG..I believed he was sober on Tuesday...

Knowing and understanding the principles and medical facts of alcoholism sure helped
me. Listening and talking with alcoholics themselves (RECOVERING) alcoholics that is, has been a world of enlightenment to me also.
I cherish and admire their hard work and honesty. I have met some of the best people
ever in my life, in a AA or Alanon class...
Im so addicted to honesty right now, for I have lived so many years without it. Within
myself and within my marriage....

True recovering alcoholics, dont even compare to your husbands, Ass Quacks!

The denial of an active alcoholic is one, that I can not endure or stomach...

He needs to find his own "recovery" program..Momma dont need to wipe his hiney anymore....do you?... NOPE..Your movin on and movin up!!!!!!