bless5

My RAH has been sober for 2 1/2 years now. We have been slowly rebuilding our 27 year marriage, but how do you have a social life? My RAH has a hard time being around much drinking and most of our family are big drinkers. We are new empty nesters, so don't have the kids events to get out and about anymore. We were talking today about some alcohol related issues some family members are having and he mentioned he missed watching football on sundays with a group. To those that have had long term recovery, does it get better? Is there hope for a social life after sobriety?

AmericanGirl

Bless,

I understand your concern-- as a former drinker I know recovery has affected not only my social life but also my spouse's. Does your husband have any non drinking social support, or attend aa? One solution could be to expand your social circle to include non drinkers. Another thing that has changed in my social life is I now instigate more daytime activities, since there is generally less alcohol consumption around daytime things. A 20 months sober, I find it is not too difficult to be around drinkers as a non drinker, but it can be very tedious. What are your husband's reasons for wanting to avoid the group? It is unclear to me whether he fears relapse, fears other people's opinions, or if it is something else. Regardless I do think it is wise for anyone in recovery to set boundaries about when they will or will not be exposed to drinking.

Good luck!

Seren

This is an interesting question to me because most of the socializing Mr. HG and I do is without drinking. We go to hockey and baseball games, we watch them at home, we travel, go to museums, dine out with friends, all without drinking. Drinking and socializing to me aren't intrinsically linked.

Perhaps learn something new together in order to get out and about and make new friends? We tried ballroom dancing, but we are both hopelessly clumsy!

Best of luck!

Programmatic

I've never been to a hockey or baseball game where there wasn't alcohol abounding. It usually manages to get spilled onto me. The ads are omnipresent. The behavior of the drunks is reproachable.

That said, I love going to hockey and baseball games. Those folks' behavior is really none of my business except when it gets spilled on me. I'm not going to let other people's behavior prevent me from doing the things I enjoy.

Family is a different story. That's why I went and found sober social circles for those types of things. Family events are pretty closely monitored with several escape plans made.

AA and Al-Anon offered me a substantial sober social circle.

bless5

My RAH attends AA, but other than that EVERYONE drinks in our family and social circle. How does one expand their social circle to non drinkers at age 50? I'm not sure where to start. We do more morning activities and such with his family. His dad is always drunk in the afternoon and evening so we try to call or visit him on saturday or sunday morning only. RAH can be around drinkers for a little while, but it's obvious he's ready to go home very early. I never question him and always just follow his lead. I think he fears other's opinion more than relapse at this point, but I think both are an issue. His family drinks beer and wiskey like its water every single day and most have issues with alcohol, althought they would not agree.

bless5

In our town & family, drinking and socializing are one in the same. Restaurants that don't serve liquor are non-existant because people won't go there. We did just join a gym together and start on Monday. I'm hoping we can lose a little weight, get in shape and maybe meet some new people.

bless5

He doesn't see his AA friends socially and I haven't meet any of his AA friends except for after the few Al-anon meetings I have attended at the same time as his AA meeting. I go to an Alanon meeting at another location on a different night, as I like the "feel" so much better. He has a meeting tonight, so maybe I'll ask him about doing something with some of them.

nodaybut2day

Excellent idea! Usually, physical activity doesn't involve booze...so yoga/meditation, martial arts, or dance classes (I'm not biased at all, but whenever I go tango dancing, there isn't any booze...costs too much for the milongas to get the liquor license). Also, hiking clubs, craft clubs, skiing clubs, swimming clubs, ...book clubs, museums memberships, volunteering activities..

Thlayli

Most if not all of my friends drink but we don't drink every time we go out. I'm sure if I invited friends over and specifically asked that alcohol not be involved they would comply. Is that a possibility with your friends?

Seren

Glad to hear about the gym!

lol....and just because restaurants serve cake, doesn't mean you have to order it either...

My point, I guess if I even have one, is that drinking is not a requirement for going to a sporting event or for dining out or any other activity.

NYCDoglvr

I've been sober 20 years and have a full life. I hung out with people from AA in the beginning and my family (none of them drink) because it really is dangerous being around people who drink a great deal. But I still had to do something and make friends. What helped was "Meetup" where you can find others in your area who have similar interests and get together with them. I loved my hiking club and others, like the Italian cuisine and political groups. I met people I'd never otherwise meet in natural settings.

lillamy

The gym idea is great! My social life revolves around exercise and outdoors stuff, and didn't involve alcohol even when I was married to an A.

WMaxwell

My RAH is only a few months clean and he frequently feels sorry for himself due to his limited social circle. We have begun going to church on Sundays and he has bonded with some of the guys in his NA groups. My social circle never included drugs or alcohol; my social circle is mostly fellow church goers. We have a limited (like ONE) amount of couples we spend time with (his RA Sister and her RA boyfriend). I sometimes feel left out because I am the only normie in our small group, but I don't mind

bless5

My family doesn't drink much so they it's not an issue around them, but his family ALWAYS drinks ALOT and won't go anywhere they can't drink. There is no drinking at our home anymore and some will honor that and others, not so much.

I know it's not a requirement, but for my RAH, it is what he's always done since he was 15 years old. At 48, i'm sure it's going to be a long transition for him to get comfortable, and sometimes he's okay with it and sometimes, we just don't go. I just follow his lead.

I think he knows he can't be around excessive drinking and all his family (who we used to do a great deal with) drinks a ton. I mean so much that it's not unheard of for his 50 & 54yo brothers to get in a fist fight....... or screaming match over something stupid. I'll check out "MeetUp" and see what I can find! Thanks for the tip!

Thanks all for the responses guys. I think part of the issue is his recovery and "leaving behind" some relationships with family and friends that are no longer healthy; and then there's the empty nest.

The recovery process is so long and sometimes just a bummer.

onlythetruth

I quit drinking 13 years ago and if anything, my social life is BETTER now than it was when I was drinking.

I do not fear alcohol. It has no effect on me unless I drink the stuff myself--other people's social drinking doesn't bother me. I go to parties, ball games, dinners; I travel; I do whatever I want.

That said, I wouldn't want to spend my time with a bunch of people who were drinking like fish and acting like idiots. Not because I'd be triggered to drink, but because it would be boring and obnoxious--a terrible way to spend my valuable time. Sounds like that's really the situation you're in: it's not that you can't have a social life, it's that your social life could stand some improvement.

bless5

[QUOTE=onlythetruth;3238700]I do not fear alcohol. It has no effect on me unless I drink the stuff myself--other people's social drinking doesn't bother me. QUOTE]

That's fantastic! My RAH is not "there" yet, but I hope he gets there. And, you are right, his families drinking has escallated over the last few years, and it's not fun be be around them at all. Now to find NEW friends, that is the challenge.

Ursula745

What about something where you begin to host things at your house and maybe he can invite over some AA friends? and your friends that you know don't drink but you create the social activity? Game night, Sunday/Monday football games, movie/pizza night, weekly dinners out, etc.

Seren

People that the two of you meet at the gym are probably not likely to be drinkers....maybe if you get to know some folks there, you can get together for other things, too? Might be a way to start until he becomes more comfortable in situations where alcohol is "on the menu" so to speak....

skippernlilg

I've found social circles from reaching out in the community and volunteering my time. When I do something I believe in, that I'm passionate about, the time gets swallowed up in pure joy. Being around others who like the same things in clubs or organizations just makes it more fun.

RUKIDDINGME

Hi, I'm new here and just wanted to say thanks for this thread!!

I have an alcoholic son. He does not live at home(thankfully). When he is around do I make sure not to have any alcohol in the house, if we go out to dinner with him, do I not order anything to drink? It breaks my heart not to be able to help him in some way.
I'd walk through fire if I thought it would help.

He's 21 and my husband and I threw him out of the house this past summer because of his drinking and he'd steel booze from us along with any cash we had if we left it where he could get at it.