Dealing w/unsupportive family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 23
Dealing w/unsupportive family
My RABF and I had broken up over a year ago (after two years together), but have recently reconnected and rekindled our relationship. In the time apart, he went to treatment and is now sober-although in the early stages of recovery. We've been taking things slow and have had excellent communication: lots of talk of priorities(his recovery for him, working on myself for me), boundaries, rediscovering eachother, etc. At this moment, I consider our relationship to be the healthiest that it's ever been.
So although things are going extremely well with him, I've been stressed out and worried about my family. My family is extremely against my being with him. Although he never was abusive in any way, shape or form, they have told me that I'm 'better off without him' in many ways. I normally am very open with my family, but I have not yet told them that am seeing my bf again (partly because I wanted to just see how things went at first, but now that they are going great....). Comments that they have made recently when he is brought up prove that although they really like him, they feel that he is not worth my time regardless of if he is actively drinking or sober. Although I know that there are 'risks' of dating a RA, I feel that he is worth taking the risk for. I have been attending Al-anon, he's active in AA and treatment after-care. We both did a lot of working on ourselves during our time apart. Boundaries have been set and communication is open. I feel like I am going about making this decision in a mature way.
So, my question is not whether or not I want to be with him, it's how to deal with unsupportive family. I know that parents want to protect you from being hurt, but how can I tell them that I feel like I'm making the right choice (let alone old enough to make this choice) And how do I get my family to see the man that I see and not just the alcoholism?
Does anyone have any experience or input on this?
So although things are going extremely well with him, I've been stressed out and worried about my family. My family is extremely against my being with him. Although he never was abusive in any way, shape or form, they have told me that I'm 'better off without him' in many ways. I normally am very open with my family, but I have not yet told them that am seeing my bf again (partly because I wanted to just see how things went at first, but now that they are going great....). Comments that they have made recently when he is brought up prove that although they really like him, they feel that he is not worth my time regardless of if he is actively drinking or sober. Although I know that there are 'risks' of dating a RA, I feel that he is worth taking the risk for. I have been attending Al-anon, he's active in AA and treatment after-care. We both did a lot of working on ourselves during our time apart. Boundaries have been set and communication is open. I feel like I am going about making this decision in a mature way.
So, my question is not whether or not I want to be with him, it's how to deal with unsupportive family. I know that parents want to protect you from being hurt, but how can I tell them that I feel like I'm making the right choice (let alone old enough to make this choice) And how do I get my family to see the man that I see and not just the alcoholism?
Does anyone have any experience or input on this?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
And how do I get my family to see the man that I see and not just the alcoholism?
The same way you get an alcoholic to SEE that they need to sober up and find recovery!! Pretty much an impossible task!!
Leave your family to its feelings. Try the "Hunh" approach to what they say (I just say "Hunh."..or "I see" when my family is saying things that get my Irish up).
By focusing on you and your own personal growth more will be revealed. And if your beau continues in recovery etc then maybe your family will feel differently but you can't control that. I mean you could ask them "I prefer if you not speak so negatively about BF, I have heard you loud and clear and understand how you feel about him." then if they keep up the negative chatter and you can't stand it you have the choice to leave.
In the beginning of my recovery from codependency - when i still believed I could change people - I was so uncomfortable with the realization that I had choices in what to tolerate. As I got to know myself and understand that I can only change myself it actually became enjoyable and empowering to exercise my freedom of choice - my freedom to choose peace of mind and joy.
peace-
B
The same way you get an alcoholic to SEE that they need to sober up and find recovery!! Pretty much an impossible task!!
Leave your family to its feelings. Try the "Hunh" approach to what they say (I just say "Hunh."..or "I see" when my family is saying things that get my Irish up).
By focusing on you and your own personal growth more will be revealed. And if your beau continues in recovery etc then maybe your family will feel differently but you can't control that. I mean you could ask them "I prefer if you not speak so negatively about BF, I have heard you loud and clear and understand how you feel about him." then if they keep up the negative chatter and you can't stand it you have the choice to leave.
In the beginning of my recovery from codependency - when i still believed I could change people - I was so uncomfortable with the realization that I had choices in what to tolerate. As I got to know myself and understand that I can only change myself it actually became enjoyable and empowering to exercise my freedom of choice - my freedom to choose peace of mind and joy.
peace-
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 23
Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately my parents can be extremely stubborn and close-minded...this is likely to be a fun ride. Good reminder that I can only change myself---funny how the steps work in other aspects as well, isn't it? 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
funny how the steps work in other aspects as well, isn't it?
Yeah it is uncanny. I think that's why they work at all - because they are deep and universal concepts that help bring us back to square one: our own selves and ownership of our own choices!
Not easy to deal with family - keeping my focus on me and keeping my side of the street clean is the best I can do - the rest I just gotta let it go!
Peace
B
Yeah it is uncanny. I think that's why they work at all - because they are deep and universal concepts that help bring us back to square one: our own selves and ownership of our own choices!
Not easy to deal with family - keeping my focus on me and keeping my side of the street clean is the best I can do - the rest I just gotta let it go!
Peace
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Why do you have to tell your parents? Is it completely necessary?
Your recovering boyfriend has to earn people's respect, both yours and your family's. Actions are much more important than words.
Your recovering boyfriend has to earn people's respect, both yours and your family's. Actions are much more important than words.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 23
I am currently living with my parents due to financial issues. This is going to be the arrangement for the next 2 years, unfortunately. They seem to think that although I'm 27, the 'youre living under my rooof' rule still applies.
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