I'm baack!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I'm baack!
Hi, it has been awhile since I posted here. I've been reading on occasion but thought I was 'done' with the A in my life. After minimal contact for a year, he phoned me the other day. I was shocked but happy to hear from him. He is struggling a bit but we did a mostly 'catching up' conversation. Nothing too intense or deep. Our first real conversation in about 8 months.
I really care about this person. Deeply. And I find myself creating my own fantasies (again) about what his motive was to call me. He didn't say, I didn't ask. I don't really have a question but I find myself thinking again about him, a lot. Just when I thought I had it under my belt.
I want to stay in touch as friends but it is challenging because of the strong feelings I have for him. How can I be a true friend without motives or expectations? That is the friend I want to be, someone supportive and understanding but I have BIG Feelings for this guy.
And why do you suppose he called after so long?
I really care about this person. Deeply. And I find myself creating my own fantasies (again) about what his motive was to call me. He didn't say, I didn't ask. I don't really have a question but I find myself thinking again about him, a lot. Just when I thought I had it under my belt.
I want to stay in touch as friends but it is challenging because of the strong feelings I have for him. How can I be a true friend without motives or expectations? That is the friend I want to be, someone supportive and understanding but I have BIG Feelings for this guy.
And why do you suppose he called after so long?
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Hi, BabyBlue! So good to hear from you.
I am bad at guessing A's motives, and who knows why he called. He could be testing waters, just curious, lonely, bored... You know you can't draw any conclusions from it and you may or may not get another phone call within the next year.
I'm sure you've come so far with minimal contact and your own recovery, so I wouldn't risk going back to that place of pain and confusion. That place of giving your all and receiving mere scraps of attention in return.
You say he is still struggling, and he may always struggle. Many do. I've noticed that recovery does mean squat when it comes to the success of these relationships.
Maybe you should start casually dating some other people (although I did this and the guy was SO clingy I had to dump him after 3 weeks, so be careful because that's the last thing you need). Go out and have fun. Hell, if you were in my city I'd say let's go out, have fun, and maybe meet some cute men together! I'm so glad you're back!
I am bad at guessing A's motives, and who knows why he called. He could be testing waters, just curious, lonely, bored... You know you can't draw any conclusions from it and you may or may not get another phone call within the next year.
I'm sure you've come so far with minimal contact and your own recovery, so I wouldn't risk going back to that place of pain and confusion. That place of giving your all and receiving mere scraps of attention in return.
You say he is still struggling, and he may always struggle. Many do. I've noticed that recovery does mean squat when it comes to the success of these relationships.
Maybe you should start casually dating some other people (although I did this and the guy was SO clingy I had to dump him after 3 weeks, so be careful because that's the last thing you need). Go out and have fun. Hell, if you were in my city I'd say let's go out, have fun, and maybe meet some cute men together! I'm so glad you're back!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Hi Wicked! Hi Nicam!
I am going to go easy on my heart. It went through a lot last year and I have come to a real place of peace. I am actually seeing someone else (not seriously though) and my exRABF is in the back of my mind a lot. I don't have the same chemistry or draw towards the new one that I had with the ex.
I left the door open for him to call me and he did likewise so I guess I could call him but not now, not until I am in a better headspace. Like I said, I want to call him as a friend, not as a person still in love with him.
I think he called because he was lonely and he was testing the waters a bit.
I am going to go easy on my heart. It went through a lot last year and I have come to a real place of peace. I am actually seeing someone else (not seriously though) and my exRABF is in the back of my mind a lot. I don't have the same chemistry or draw towards the new one that I had with the ex.
I left the door open for him to call me and he did likewise so I guess I could call him but not now, not until I am in a better headspace. Like I said, I want to call him as a friend, not as a person still in love with him.
I think he called because he was lonely and he was testing the waters a bit.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Glad to see you back.
They sure know how to play with our emotions don't they? I got a similar call from my AH a few months ago. We had a wonderful our long conversation. And as he usually does, he goes into hiding again. I find that reaching out to him is not healthy for me. I want to do it too much and start to focus on him and us instead of me and what is best for me.
He is still struggling. Who knows why he called. Don't spend your time trying to get in his head and his motives.
I have tried to take each encounter with my AH as just that one moments in time. Enjoy a good encounter without reliving the past and not projecting into the future. Sounds like neither one of you is ready to try the relationship thing yet.
They sure know how to play with our emotions don't they? I got a similar call from my AH a few months ago. We had a wonderful our long conversation. And as he usually does, he goes into hiding again. I find that reaching out to him is not healthy for me. I want to do it too much and start to focus on him and us instead of me and what is best for me.
He is still struggling. Who knows why he called. Don't spend your time trying to get in his head and his motives.
I have tried to take each encounter with my AH as just that one moments in time. Enjoy a good encounter without reliving the past and not projecting into the future. Sounds like neither one of you is ready to try the relationship thing yet.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Glad to see you back.
They sure know how to play with our emotions don't they? I got a similar call from my AH a few months ago. We had a wonderful hour long conversation. And as he usually does, he goes into hiding again. I find that reaching out to him is not healthy for me. I want to do it too much and start to focus on him and us instead of me and what is best for me.
He is still struggling. Who knows why he called. Don't spend your time trying to get in his head and his motives.
I have tried to take each encounter with my AH as just that one moment in time. Enjoy a good encounter without reliving the past and not projecting into the future. Sounds like neither one of you is ready to try the relationship thing yet.
They sure know how to play with our emotions don't they? I got a similar call from my AH a few months ago. We had a wonderful hour long conversation. And as he usually does, he goes into hiding again. I find that reaching out to him is not healthy for me. I want to do it too much and start to focus on him and us instead of me and what is best for me.
He is still struggling. Who knows why he called. Don't spend your time trying to get in his head and his motives.
I have tried to take each encounter with my AH as just that one moment in time. Enjoy a good encounter without reliving the past and not projecting into the future. Sounds like neither one of you is ready to try the relationship thing yet.
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