How is the best way to support a RA?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 23
How is the best way to support a RA?
I'm hoping that I can get some feedback from you. Let me give you some background on mine and my RA bf's story:
I started dating him about 3 years ago. I saw red flags immediately. We dated long distance, so I only saw him on the weekends and so when he drank, I chalked it up to him 'relaxing'. Well, over the next two years, things between us became very serious, but his drinking got more and more out of hand as well. I finally told him that I wasn't going to stick around and watch him drink himself to death, wasn't going to marry someone and have children with someone who was an alcoholic. He denied having a problem, used every excuse in the book, etc. I left, but we still stayed in contact. Things got better, he went to AA, stayed 'sober' for a few months and I decided to give him another chance (I later found out that his idea of staying sober was to 'cut back'). Well, surprise, surprise, not even a month after getting back together he went on a week long binge and didn't return phone calls, emails, texts-nothing. When he finally called back, I told him that he'd blown his chance and that I was done. I broke up with him, broke all ties and didn't speak to him for nearly a year. It was awful. I struggled with guilt, anger, sadness, and I really missed him.
During the year apart, there was minimal contact. There was an occassional email sent in a moment of weakness (from both of us), but nothing more than the 'hi, how are you's'. I found out that he had signed up to go to a 3 week treatment and was ready to get his life turned around. A few weeks ago we re-connected on a larger scale. He said that he had been working on himself, was coming up on 2 months sober under his belt--completely sober this time, and had had a few more consecutive months sober prior. We talked and I discovered that he seemed like a new man. He seems to view his alcoholism completely different, has obviously done a lot of self-discovery, and is active in support programs-He talked about treatment, aftercare, AA, how he enjoyed being sober. He asked about starting over and we have since started seeing eachother again, and are (trying to) taking things slow...I still love him--especially the new and improved version, so whehter or not to be with him is not the issue.
So to the main reason for my post: My main concern is how to best support him in his recovery. He is 'newly' 'recovered'-for lack of better terms, and I realize that there will be ups and downs and lapses and more recoveries, but I am not leaving this time. What have you/your A found to be most helpful in your communication of the disease, support during recovery and also in relapse? I'm worried about being supportive without being smothering, about saying the right/wrong thing, etc.
Help!
I started dating him about 3 years ago. I saw red flags immediately. We dated long distance, so I only saw him on the weekends and so when he drank, I chalked it up to him 'relaxing'. Well, over the next two years, things between us became very serious, but his drinking got more and more out of hand as well. I finally told him that I wasn't going to stick around and watch him drink himself to death, wasn't going to marry someone and have children with someone who was an alcoholic. He denied having a problem, used every excuse in the book, etc. I left, but we still stayed in contact. Things got better, he went to AA, stayed 'sober' for a few months and I decided to give him another chance (I later found out that his idea of staying sober was to 'cut back'). Well, surprise, surprise, not even a month after getting back together he went on a week long binge and didn't return phone calls, emails, texts-nothing. When he finally called back, I told him that he'd blown his chance and that I was done. I broke up with him, broke all ties and didn't speak to him for nearly a year. It was awful. I struggled with guilt, anger, sadness, and I really missed him.
During the year apart, there was minimal contact. There was an occassional email sent in a moment of weakness (from both of us), but nothing more than the 'hi, how are you's'. I found out that he had signed up to go to a 3 week treatment and was ready to get his life turned around. A few weeks ago we re-connected on a larger scale. He said that he had been working on himself, was coming up on 2 months sober under his belt--completely sober this time, and had had a few more consecutive months sober prior. We talked and I discovered that he seemed like a new man. He seems to view his alcoholism completely different, has obviously done a lot of self-discovery, and is active in support programs-He talked about treatment, aftercare, AA, how he enjoyed being sober. He asked about starting over and we have since started seeing eachother again, and are (trying to) taking things slow...I still love him--especially the new and improved version, so whehter or not to be with him is not the issue.
So to the main reason for my post: My main concern is how to best support him in his recovery. He is 'newly' 'recovered'-for lack of better terms, and I realize that there will be ups and downs and lapses and more recoveries, but I am not leaving this time. What have you/your A found to be most helpful in your communication of the disease, support during recovery and also in relapse? I'm worried about being supportive without being smothering, about saying the right/wrong thing, etc.
Help!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 23
I had gone to one al anon meeting around the time that I broke up with him last. I didn't find it especially helpful, but I am going to go again tomorrow night to give it another chance. I like hearing other people's stories, but I want advice/guidance. We will see how tomorrow's meeting goes.
I agree that it is HIS recovery, I just want to be there the best that I can. He has come leaps and bounds in the last year and I'm so proud of him.
I agree that it is HIS recovery, I just want to be there the best that I can. He has come leaps and bounds in the last year and I'm so proud of him.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((button))) - welcome to SR!!
FWIW, I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and a recovering codependent (codie) who has/had addict loved ones.
As an RA, the support I need is mainly from other RAs. From my friends/family, who don't really have a clue of what recovery is about? I need no enabling - let me deal with my consequences and do NOT tolerate using.
Relapse is not a part of recovery, it's a part of addiction, and yes, I did relapse once. I totally blew the trust I had built up and had to start all over. I'm waaaaay past the age of needing to live at home, but I do because of the financial/career consequences of my using. I had to let my family know where I was, account for my time, work, pay bills, and help out around the house. At times, I felt like I was a teenager, again, but I realized I'd bought this distrust on myself.
The best way to help him is take care of yourself. Set boundaries, such as "if you drink, I will....". You can't control him, but you can let him know what you will accept or not. Recovery is a lifelong thing. We're never cured from addiction.
Go by his actions - they speak WAY more than words. I'm not saying he can't make it - I'm going on 5 years in recovery. It's a daily choice I make, and nothing anyone said or did got me to this point. I had to reach the point where I was done, and that's just not something anyone else could do. It did help, though, that my loved ones allowed me to feel the consequences of my actions. Had they not, I'm pretty sure I'd be in jail or dead.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and a recovering codependent (codie) who has/had addict loved ones.
As an RA, the support I need is mainly from other RAs. From my friends/family, who don't really have a clue of what recovery is about? I need no enabling - let me deal with my consequences and do NOT tolerate using.
Relapse is not a part of recovery, it's a part of addiction, and yes, I did relapse once. I totally blew the trust I had built up and had to start all over. I'm waaaaay past the age of needing to live at home, but I do because of the financial/career consequences of my using. I had to let my family know where I was, account for my time, work, pay bills, and help out around the house. At times, I felt like I was a teenager, again, but I realized I'd bought this distrust on myself.
The best way to help him is take care of yourself. Set boundaries, such as "if you drink, I will....". You can't control him, but you can let him know what you will accept or not. Recovery is a lifelong thing. We're never cured from addiction.
Go by his actions - they speak WAY more than words. I'm not saying he can't make it - I'm going on 5 years in recovery. It's a daily choice I make, and nothing anyone said or did got me to this point. I had to reach the point where I was done, and that's just not something anyone else could do. It did help, though, that my loved ones allowed me to feel the consequences of my actions. Had they not, I'm pretty sure I'd be in jail or dead.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by button21 
I had gone to one al anon meeting around the time that I broke up with him last. I didn't find it especially helpful, but I am going to go again tomorrow night to give it another chance. I like hearing other people's stories, but I want advice/guidance. We will see how tomorrow's meeting goes. .
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Hi I'm sort of in the same situation as you except my boyfriend who I don't know if I should call an addict or a recovering addict (to drugs not alcohol) relapsed after 10 months ... And now I'm struggling with what to do
Like you, I want to stand by him - and although I know he has to be the one to manage his recovery; Im having such a hard time hearing everyone telling me there is nothing I can do but look out for myself.
But there's a lot I'm learning on this site. It's opening my eyes and making me question a lot of things. I went to a meeting one time months ago and found it not so helpful also; but I think it takes time.
I hope that you can find a balance in your relationship that will allow you to support him but also care for yourself. It seems the latter part is the most difficult and dangerous.
Hugs
Like you, I want to stand by him - and although I know he has to be the one to manage his recovery; Im having such a hard time hearing everyone telling me there is nothing I can do but look out for myself.
But there's a lot I'm learning on this site. It's opening my eyes and making me question a lot of things. I went to a meeting one time months ago and found it not so helpful also; but I think it takes time.
I hope that you can find a balance in your relationship that will allow you to support him but also care for yourself. It seems the latter part is the most difficult and dangerous.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I put off going to Al-anon for a very long time. I was really ready to go when I went, and for me it was a puzzle piece sliding into place.
I think I put if off for such a long time though because during that time I was not ready to hear that Al-anon was not about how to make my loved one better....it was how to make me better, regardless of what he/she did. I was not ready to hear that.
I am not saying that is what you are doing, just my Experience Strength and Hope on the matter. The only regret I have about Al-anon is not getting to a meeting about five years sooner.
I think I put if off for such a long time though because during that time I was not ready to hear that Al-anon was not about how to make my loved one better....it was how to make me better, regardless of what he/she did. I was not ready to hear that.
I am not saying that is what you are doing, just my Experience Strength and Hope on the matter. The only regret I have about Al-anon is not getting to a meeting about five years sooner.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 23
Thanks everyone for the input. I went to my 2nd alanon meeting tonight and liked it immensely better than the first. Plus, I think it helped that we focused on the first step-which just backs up all of the input from you wonderful people.
Impuurfect: What you said about RA's finding support in other RA's is exactly what he has told me. I plan to just focus on myself and let our relationship evolve from there.
Anvil: Good reminder that this is HIS recovery. Boundaries have been set and my primary focus will be, from here on out, myself and I actually like the fact that he doesn't NEED my help-so no need to speak gently
The part of being willing to let go is a little harder, but i've done it before-if I have to do it again for the last time, I will.
Kelley: I'm sorry you're going through that. I had dated my ABF for nearly 2 years (realizing in hindsight that he had been an active alcoholic the entire time, it just got really bad the last year) and I finally just had to break it off and leave. It was seriously the hardest thing I'd ever done, even though it was what was best for me at the time. Hugs!
Life-Recovery: I know what you mean. I feel like I'm in a completely different mind set than I was last time I attended a meeting. The readings seemed to click just so this time and I had several 'a-ha' moments during. As much as I would love for there to be an instruction manual on what to do or say, there isn't. We can only control ourselves, right?
Impuurfect: What you said about RA's finding support in other RA's is exactly what he has told me. I plan to just focus on myself and let our relationship evolve from there.
Anvil: Good reminder that this is HIS recovery. Boundaries have been set and my primary focus will be, from here on out, myself and I actually like the fact that he doesn't NEED my help-so no need to speak gently
The part of being willing to let go is a little harder, but i've done it before-if I have to do it again for the last time, I will.Kelley: I'm sorry you're going through that. I had dated my ABF for nearly 2 years (realizing in hindsight that he had been an active alcoholic the entire time, it just got really bad the last year) and I finally just had to break it off and leave. It was seriously the hardest thing I'd ever done, even though it was what was best for me at the time. Hugs!
Life-Recovery: I know what you mean. I feel like I'm in a completely different mind set than I was last time I attended a meeting. The readings seemed to click just so this time and I had several 'a-ha' moments during. As much as I would love for there to be an instruction manual on what to do or say, there isn't. We can only control ourselves, right?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
I'm not in AA so I don't know this for a fact, but I've heard that they recommend that you don't start a relationship for the first year that you're in recovery. You could ask him...you should ask him why he's anxious to jump into a relationship so soon.
Speaking about something I do know more about: My wife got out of rehab and really took working her program very seriously. Daily meetings, aftercare, marriage counseling, individual counseling. Very focused, very serious. Partly to support her, partly to heal myself I started (and continue) Al-Anon.
They describe that initial period as "being on a pink cloud." At the 90 day mark, she was irritable, depressed, feeling helpless and hopeless. She got past that, and is doing very well now. I'm very proud of her. But it wasn't easy.
The thought that she continues to share with me is that her sobriety is the most important thing in her life...because without her sobriety she has no life. Maybe literally...alcoholism really is a life and death struggle.
A lot of people on this forum talk about actions speaking louder than words. Usually, they'll be referring to the alcoholic. But lets flip it around: If you really love him, show him. Tell him he's not ready for a relationship yet and that he needs to focus on himself. Tell him to come back in 10 months and you'll talk to him then. Better yet, tell him that when he comes back he'd better have a note from his sponsor saying it's ok to start a relationship.
That's my advice: Take what you like and leave the rest.
Speaking about something I do know more about: My wife got out of rehab and really took working her program very seriously. Daily meetings, aftercare, marriage counseling, individual counseling. Very focused, very serious. Partly to support her, partly to heal myself I started (and continue) Al-Anon.
They describe that initial period as "being on a pink cloud." At the 90 day mark, she was irritable, depressed, feeling helpless and hopeless. She got past that, and is doing very well now. I'm very proud of her. But it wasn't easy.
The thought that she continues to share with me is that her sobriety is the most important thing in her life...because without her sobriety she has no life. Maybe literally...alcoholism really is a life and death struggle.
A lot of people on this forum talk about actions speaking louder than words. Usually, they'll be referring to the alcoholic. But lets flip it around: If you really love him, show him. Tell him he's not ready for a relationship yet and that he needs to focus on himself. Tell him to come back in 10 months and you'll talk to him then. Better yet, tell him that when he comes back he'd better have a note from his sponsor saying it's ok to start a relationship.
That's my advice: Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Button, after a 36 marriage to my AW, multiple rehabs, detoxes, relapses and the works I have set a boundary for myself that I will never have a relationship with an alcoholic again, recovering or not. I have had enough "fun" for this lifetime.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Yes, let him be. It's his program and those who can help him the most are other recovering alcoholics. Understand that it is extremely difficult to get sober and recovery is a process that takes a lifetime.
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