Need advice on dealing with old addict friend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 9
Need advice on dealing with old addict friend
Hi - I originally posted this in the AA Steps forum and while I got some great feedback there, someone suggested I post here as well. Please let me know if you have any advice. Thank you!
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I'm seeking advice regarding a potential Step 9 situation. My ex-bf emailed me a few weeks ago and said he wanted to "talk and make things right". We have not seen each other in 6 years. We had been close friends for 10+ years and dating (on and off) for 4. Towards the last two years of our relationship, he started drinking a lot, doing coke, taking a lot of pills and basically was just spiraling out of control. After he got a DWI, I left him because I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who had a drug/drinking problem and I deserved to be treated better than he was treating me at that time. I never did hard drugs with him (or anyone) and do not have a drinking problem myself. But I was obviously somewhat of an enabler/codependent in the relationship and had my own "issues" as to why I put up with him at all during those times…mainly because I was seeking drama to avoid my own problems (thankfully, I'm no longer a drama seeker). For the majority of those 10+ years, he was a very important person in my life. We had a great friendship and I truly loved him. During the bad drug-alcohol fueled times he was disrespectful, hurtful and did a few really awful things to me. He also borrowed money from me which was never repaid. His worst years as an addict definitely happened after our relationship ended.
After we parted ways, I felt very angry and resentful towards him for several years. Those feelings have since faded and were replaced with compassion and hope that he would get better. I had a lot of sadness over the loss of the friendship and worry/anxiety that something really bad would happen (OD). While I'd "closed the door" and never thought I would hear from him again, I've never gotten over the loss of the relationship. Fast forward to the present…his message came as quite a shock. I have a few friends who have gotten sober and have been told his message sounds like classic Step 9. I also have reason to believe he is in some type of program. I responded and told him I would contact him after the holidays so we could talk. I've spent a little time reading on this forum to try to prepare myself. I've had a flood of emotions since he contacted me and it's a little overwhelming.
In order to "make things right" he would need to apologize for his behavior - generally speaking and also for a few specific incidents - as well as pay me back the money. I realize that making amends doesn't necessarily mean apologizing, but he was never one to throw around empty "I'm sorry's" and honestly I deserve an apology. If we can make amends, I don't know what kind of relationship I would want or could have with him if any. I realize that he may have gotten over it, is just wanting to clear his conscious and might want nothing to do with me once he's done so. The whole situation has me so confused, so I'm trying not to get attached to any "outcomes". I also realize that's he's probably on a really tough road right now. I'm here on this forum just looking for any advice on how I can navigate this situation. There are a zillion things I want to ask/discuss with him..some highly personal/emotional. But I don't really know what's appropriate in this situation and I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about reconnecting with him after six years. I appreciate any knowledge, wisdom, advice you can offer!
...
I'm seeking advice regarding a potential Step 9 situation. My ex-bf emailed me a few weeks ago and said he wanted to "talk and make things right". We have not seen each other in 6 years. We had been close friends for 10+ years and dating (on and off) for 4. Towards the last two years of our relationship, he started drinking a lot, doing coke, taking a lot of pills and basically was just spiraling out of control. After he got a DWI, I left him because I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who had a drug/drinking problem and I deserved to be treated better than he was treating me at that time. I never did hard drugs with him (or anyone) and do not have a drinking problem myself. But I was obviously somewhat of an enabler/codependent in the relationship and had my own "issues" as to why I put up with him at all during those times…mainly because I was seeking drama to avoid my own problems (thankfully, I'm no longer a drama seeker). For the majority of those 10+ years, he was a very important person in my life. We had a great friendship and I truly loved him. During the bad drug-alcohol fueled times he was disrespectful, hurtful and did a few really awful things to me. He also borrowed money from me which was never repaid. His worst years as an addict definitely happened after our relationship ended.
After we parted ways, I felt very angry and resentful towards him for several years. Those feelings have since faded and were replaced with compassion and hope that he would get better. I had a lot of sadness over the loss of the friendship and worry/anxiety that something really bad would happen (OD). While I'd "closed the door" and never thought I would hear from him again, I've never gotten over the loss of the relationship. Fast forward to the present…his message came as quite a shock. I have a few friends who have gotten sober and have been told his message sounds like classic Step 9. I also have reason to believe he is in some type of program. I responded and told him I would contact him after the holidays so we could talk. I've spent a little time reading on this forum to try to prepare myself. I've had a flood of emotions since he contacted me and it's a little overwhelming.
In order to "make things right" he would need to apologize for his behavior - generally speaking and also for a few specific incidents - as well as pay me back the money. I realize that making amends doesn't necessarily mean apologizing, but he was never one to throw around empty "I'm sorry's" and honestly I deserve an apology. If we can make amends, I don't know what kind of relationship I would want or could have with him if any. I realize that he may have gotten over it, is just wanting to clear his conscious and might want nothing to do with me once he's done so. The whole situation has me so confused, so I'm trying not to get attached to any "outcomes". I also realize that's he's probably on a really tough road right now. I'm here on this forum just looking for any advice on how I can navigate this situation. There are a zillion things I want to ask/discuss with him..some highly personal/emotional. But I don't really know what's appropriate in this situation and I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about reconnecting with him after six years. I appreciate any knowledge, wisdom, advice you can offer!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Dear cagirl,
Just wanted to say welcome to you, lots of good information here, check out the stickies (permanant posts) at the top of these forums.
I am sure there will be folks along with more experience than I, you may find al-anon beneficial.
Best of luck,
Bill
Just wanted to say welcome to you, lots of good information here, check out the stickies (permanant posts) at the top of these forums.
I am sure there will be folks along with more experience than I, you may find al-anon beneficial.
Best of luck,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 32
Hi,
There is no right or wrong this to do here. My suggestion is to go with whatever your gut tells you to do. It is more reliable than following your heart,though I would consult that too. There are people like this in my life who I would be open to hearing from and others with whom it would simply be too painful. Only you can know the potential for pain and how much you might be willing to dredge up by doing it.
I think that if it were me and I would be willing to connect I would do it by phone at a time and in a place where I am able to feel centered and safe. Definately with a friend available to hear the immediate debriefing after whatever happened. I would listen to what he has to say. Not talk.Listen. You have projected yourself into a whole scenario from soup to nuts which might have no thing to do with his reasons to want to talk to you. The reasons he wants to reconnect could be any number of things. You are just going to have to live it to find out...if you are up for that. My experience is that these sorts of things never turn out to be whatever I have conjured up in my head.
You can also ask him directly by email why he wants to talk to you before you agree to do it. Direct is good,especially with an addict.
I contacted my ex-AH after 15 years of no contact (for a good reason I won't go into). We had 2 short and pleasant conversations and I was feeling really good about the reconnection. Then he emailed me some crazy angry abusive drunk stuff. I now know that I will never be in contact with him again.The experience made me very very sad (for him) but also made me feel good to know absolutely that I had made the right decision for myself in leaving him. My life is in a whole other place. His is in the same old same old one. Mixed bag experience. Not sorry I did it.
You don't owe him anything nor should you feel guilty if you decide that you do not wish to speak to him. Part of the process of making amends includes respecting those who want nothing to do with one ever again. If he has been honest and has a good sponsor he has been told to repay any money he has borrowed. He would only need to get your address to do so.
Good luck!!
There is no right or wrong this to do here. My suggestion is to go with whatever your gut tells you to do. It is more reliable than following your heart,though I would consult that too. There are people like this in my life who I would be open to hearing from and others with whom it would simply be too painful. Only you can know the potential for pain and how much you might be willing to dredge up by doing it.
I think that if it were me and I would be willing to connect I would do it by phone at a time and in a place where I am able to feel centered and safe. Definately with a friend available to hear the immediate debriefing after whatever happened. I would listen to what he has to say. Not talk.Listen. You have projected yourself into a whole scenario from soup to nuts which might have no thing to do with his reasons to want to talk to you. The reasons he wants to reconnect could be any number of things. You are just going to have to live it to find out...if you are up for that. My experience is that these sorts of things never turn out to be whatever I have conjured up in my head.
You can also ask him directly by email why he wants to talk to you before you agree to do it. Direct is good,especially with an addict.
I contacted my ex-AH after 15 years of no contact (for a good reason I won't go into). We had 2 short and pleasant conversations and I was feeling really good about the reconnection. Then he emailed me some crazy angry abusive drunk stuff. I now know that I will never be in contact with him again.The experience made me very very sad (for him) but also made me feel good to know absolutely that I had made the right decision for myself in leaving him. My life is in a whole other place. His is in the same old same old one. Mixed bag experience. Not sorry I did it.
You don't owe him anything nor should you feel guilty if you decide that you do not wish to speak to him. Part of the process of making amends includes respecting those who want nothing to do with one ever again. If he has been honest and has a good sponsor he has been told to repay any money he has borrowed. He would only need to get your address to do so.
Good luck!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Missg offers terrific advice (above). Doing it on the phone would be ok IF you care to hear him out. Let go of expectations and hope this means he's changed or that there can ever be a relationship between you. The reason a recovering alcoholic does an amends is to deal with the wreckage of the past so they don't drink again. Simply listen, acknowledge his words and then let go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 9
Thanks for your input everyone! I know I'm projecting way too much and this was a much needed reality check. Hopefully all this projecting allowed me to examine my true feelings, but now it is time to come back down to earth and let go of expectations.
"My experience is that these sorts of things never turn out to be whatever I have conjured up in my head."
^^ This happens to me a lot.
What I've realized is that what I'm really afraid of *is* the possibility of closure with him and having to let go because I do still miss him after all these years, but I just need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.
"My experience is that these sorts of things never turn out to be whatever I have conjured up in my head."
^^ This happens to me a lot.
What I've realized is that what I'm really afraid of *is* the possibility of closure with him and having to let go because I do still miss him after all these years, but I just need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.
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