1982mel

My family is so broken right now.




Hi everyone, I'm new to al anon. My husband has been and opiate addict for the past four years. The last two years have been the worst. He just finished up his 21 day stay in a rehab facility. Before he came home i told him that i wanted him to stay at our condo and our two daughters (6, and 3) here at our house for the first few weeks so we can try and work on healthy communication and bringing our family back together slowly in a healthy manner and not with mom and dad fighting around the kids right away. We own our condo but have been renting the house we are staying in from my family. While my husband was using he started to pawn everything and has stolen from my family and his. Now that he is out my family will not allow him to come back to the rental house. This time apart was only going to be for a few weeks and then our lease here is up and we were going to have to move back into the condo as this house has been sold. My husband has been out of rehab for 24 hours. And decided to have two guys from rehab move into our condo with him ( living in our kids room and sleeping in there beds). Our six year old and i are extremely upset and hurt. The condo is our one place to be as a family and start spending time together in a healthy way. How can we try and build up our family and spend time together with two strangers living in my kids room. My daughter and i have both expressed to him how upset and hurt we are that he is doing this. My husband is 32 and the two others are just 18 and 22. They have a very different life then we do. And im extremely concerned that them all living together isnt a healthy situation. My husband told me on his way home from rehab that he felt one of them was already going to relapse and that the other one is homeless because his family wont let him back home. Its like he is so worried about saving these two kids and not looking at the big picture of our family's needs too. He said well i need to put my sobriety and me first. I said yes you do above all else is your sobriety but these kids having nothing to do with him sober. And in the mean time the kids and i are on the back burner again. Please give me some incite on this!

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am happy you found us, but sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. Are you active in Al-anon in your community?

I hope you are able to get face-to-face support in addition to the encouragement and support you will receive here.

I know it sounds hard, but can you detach from his actions? He is doing what he is doing for himself, not at you. Yes, he is not thinking of your future together right now. However, if you see this differently; he is not doing this to you, but doing this for himself - you may be able to remove yourself from being a victim of his actions. As long as I feel like a victim, I am unable to move forward. I feel stuck.

He is doing what you asked by moving into the condo after rehab. That was a good idea, in my opinion. yet it looks like the addict is still being self-involved and doing what he wants and today that involves surrounding himself with younger addicts that may look up to him as a role model.

Whatever the reasons for his actions, you are powerless to change him.

What can you do today to make plans for yourself and your two children? Plans that do not depend on his actions.

I encourage you to keep reading and posting as much as needed. The sticky (older, permanent) posts at the top contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom.

This is one of my favorite:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

1982mel

I guess my biggest struggle is people saying let go and make plans for you and your girls. I feel like that's saying give up on your marriage and not fight to keep your family together. His addiction has pulled us apart for the last 4 years and now that he is on the path to recovery it still continues to be all about him. I conpletly understand he needs to focus on him, but honestly im a mess to but i still have to focus on the kids and my issues. I just want to cry and scream when will the kids and i come into the picture of whats important anymore. My 6 year old is so heart broken right now. i dont know what to do for her. :rotfxko

TakingCharge999

Hi 1982

It seems this man is selfish, active or otherwise. Besides its still too early to consider him recovered... in the AA circles someone starts recovery after 1 year of sobriety, if I recall well...

What happens now? you can't move back to the condo and he won't be telling the new rehab "friends" to move away, so what is the plan B for you and your kids' living situation?

What do you think about a man that does not care if his family has a roof over their head? sorry to be so blunt, I do not mean to be hurtful, but this is the man you are describing here. To me it seems that he is the one who is giving up on his marriage and failing his family, not you.

theuncertainty

I'm so sorry, Mel, that you and your family are going through this. Addiction is such a nasty, selfish disease. I can't answer your question about when you and the kids will start moving up the priority list for your AH. My XAH sincerely thought him having an affair was him providing for DS. It takes years, not days, for the thought processes of an addict to .... normalize, for want of a better word.

I know that one thing that helped both DS and I when we first left XAH, was a routine. (DS was 3, he's now 7) We both knew what to expect of the day, the week; after living with the chaos of life with an active (abusive) alcoholic, that was pretty close to heaven.

I started trying to answer DS's questions as honestly as I could, in an age appropriate manner. I was done covering up for XAH. It surprised me that DS had a pretty good handle on what was going on; it didn't hurt him less when his Dad no-showed, but he pretty much knew. If I didn't know why, I told DS that: "I don't know why, sweetie." I let DS know he had every right to be angry and hurt, helped him find healthy and safe ways to express what he was feeling.

We set aside time for just us, to play, to paint, color or draw, to read, to bake or cook together for fun... not doing chores, not texting or e-mailing others, just him and I together.

Please remember to take care of yourself through all of this. Sending hugs.

Learn2Live

Mel, I am so sorry this is happening to you and your little girls. Opiate addiction is horrible. 21 days is not very long, he is only just coming out from rehab, and although I know you would like for him to work on the family, it does not sound like something he wants to do right now. I would strongly suggest not taking the girls over to the condo with the other men there. Whether or not it is healthy or good for HIM to be living with two young guys from rehab is not what worries me, it is where will you and the little girls live when the lease on the house is up? (((hugs)))

Pelican

Go ahead and scream and cry. Seriously!

It is better to feel those emotions and let them out than to try and stuff them farther down where they eat away at you from the inside.

I had to learn healthy ways to express anger that did not harm others. I also needed to teach that to my children.

Some things that work for me:
Getting in the car with the stereo cranked and scream.
Hitting the car seat beside me.
Punching pillows and cursing.

And crying, oh my yes!

Here is a tip a social worker gave me about crying as an adult with children in the house: Do it! Do it as loud as you need too. Teach your children that adults get sad and cry!

I am not suggesting you end your marriage. I am encouraging you to do the next right thing for yourself and your children. Take control of your lives, and your recoveries from the chaos of addiction while allowing the addict the dignity of their recovery. (referred to keeping our sides of the street clean). As the sober, responsible parent - it falls on us to make the healthy decisions for ourselves and our children.

Hugs and peace to you.

1982mel

So my husband went to a meeting last night and then sent me a test message asking me to read this. its chapter 25 in the sober living book.


whats this mean for us? Isnt having two guys move in and push your family away a huge change and cause for emotional entanglement.


24 Steering clear of emotional entanglements

Falling in love with your doctor or nurse or a fellow patient is an old romantic story. Recovering alcoholics are susceptible to the same fever. In fact, alcoholism does not seem to bring immunity from any known human condition.
Sorrow is born in the hasty heart, an old saw goes. Other troubles, including an alcoholic bout, can be, too.
During our days of bottles, cans, and glasses, many of us spent a lot of time concerned about intimate personal ties. Whether we wanted temporary partnerships or a long-term "meaningful relationship," we were often preoccupied with our deep involvement—or noninvolvement —with other people.
A great many of us blamed our drinking on lack of affection, saw ourselves as constantly in search of love, drinking as we prowled from bar to party. Others of us apparently had all the emotional ties we needed or wanted, but drank anyhow. Either way, alcohol certainly did not ripen our comprehension of mature love, nor our ability to enter into and handle it if it did come our way. Rather, our drinking lives left our emotional selves pinched, scraped, bent, and bruised, if not pretty firmly warped.
So, as our experience shows, the first non-drinkmg days are likely to be periods of great emotional vulnerability. Is this an extended pharmacological effect of the drinking? Is it a natural state for anyone recu¬perating from a long and severe illness? Or does it indicate a deep flaw in the personality? The answer doesn't matter at first. Whatever the cause, the condition is one we have to watch out for, because it can tempt us to drink faster than the eye, head, or heart can realize.
We have seen such relapses happen in several ways. In the early relief and delight of getting well, we can whip up enormous crushes on new people we meet, both in AA and outside it, especially when they show genuine interest in us, or seem to gaze up at us in admiration. The giddy rapture this can bring makes us highly susceptible to a drink.
An emotional opposite can also be the case. We may seem so numb that we are almost immune to affection for a while after stopping drinking. (Clinicians tell us it is common for people to have no interest or very much ability in sex for many months after stopping drinking—but that problem straightens itself out beautifully as health returns. We know!) Until we are assured that the numbness will pass, going back to drinking appears an attractive "remedy," which leads to even worse trouble.
Our shaky emotional condition also affects our feelings toward old friends and family. For many of us, these relationships seem to heal promptly as we pursue recovery. For others, there arrives a period of touchiness at home; now that we're sober, we have to sort out how we actually feel about spouse, children, siblings, parents, or neighbors, then reexamine our behavior. Fellow workers, clients, employees, or employers also require such attention.
(Often, our drinking has had a severe emotional impact on those closest to us, and they, too, may need help in recovering. They may turn to Al-Anon Family Groups and Alateen [see your telephone directory]. Although these fellowships are not officially connected with AA, they are very similar, and they help nonalcoholic relatives and friends to live more comfortably with knowledge about us and our condition.)
Over the years, we have become strongly convinced that almost no important decisions should be arrived at early in our sobriety, unless they cannot possibly be delayed. This caution particularly applies to decisions about people, decisions with high emotional potential. The first, uncertain weeks of sobriety are no time to rush into major life changes.
Another caution: Tying our sobriety to someone we are emotionally involved with proves flatly disastrous. "Ill stay sober if so-and-so does this or that" puts an unhealthy condition on our recovery. We have to stay sober for ourselves, no matter what other people do or fail to do.
We should remember, too, that intense dislike also is an emotional entanglement, often a reversal of past love. We need to cool any overboard feeling, lest it flip us back into the drink.
It is easy to consider yourself an exception to this generalization. Newly sober, you may earnestly believe that you have at long last found real love—or that your present attitude of dislike, persisting even into sobriety, means there always was something fundamentally wrong about the relationship. In either instance, you may be right—but just now, it's wise to wait and see whether your attitude will change.
Again and again, we have seen such feelings change dramatically in only a few months of sobriety. So, using "First Things First," we have found it helpful to concentrate first on sobriety alone, steering clear of any risky emotional entanglements.
Immature or premature liaisons are crippling to recovery. Only after we have had time to mature somewhat beyond merely not drinking are we equipped to relate maturely to other people.
When our sobriety has a foundation firm enough to withstand stress, then we are ready to work through and straighten out other aspects of our lives

Willybluedog

Mel,

IMHO it's ok to be mad, my therapist is working with me on getting to a decent place in my head with my sexual abuse issues. She has told me I have every right to be mad at my abusers, to feel what I feel. Nobody has the right to tell you how to feel, what to feel or what not to feel.

I cannot tell you to fight or give up, only you can make that choice, but, it takes two people working hard every day to make a marriage work!

Please protect yourself and your children financially, physically, and emotionally, since he invited these guys to live there it may take a court ordered eviction to get them out.
(it does herein MO)

An hour of a divorce lawyers time does not mean you are divorcing, it just means you are preparing for the chaos your husband has brought into your lives, if you can't afford a lawyer you can go to Legal Aid, United Way, or a Womens and Childrens Center.

I wil say a prayer for you and your family, I hope very much that this works out for you.

If you need to talk, vent, need a shoulder, or some propping up I will be here for you.

Big big hugs,

Bill

Pelican

What's this mean?

Maybe he sent it because he relates to the part about being numb.
Mabye he sent it because he wants to introduce you to Al anon.
Maybe he sent it because the sky is blue......

Trying to figure out someone else's motivation (especially an addict) is exhausting and unhealthy to my recovery.

What are you doing for you today?

Pelican

I agree with the above poster - get legal advice.

Most attorney's offer free consultations.

Speaking with a lawyer helped me. I was able to put a stop to my awfulizing when I understood what my rights were. I was able to make healthy plans for my future when I understood what my options were according to my state laws.

Speaking with a lawyer does not mean you are taking legal action. It means you are accessing information that can help you to help yourself.

1982mel

To me its just like there is being numb and there is being vindictive and hurting his kids and his wife.

you can be numb and not sure about us, but the two guys in my home is just childish and hurtful to our family.

Pelican

A lawyer can advise you on steps you can take to get the childish addict back to the care of his momma so you and your children can occupy your home.