Eddiebuckle

RC,

I can't tell you what to say, but I will say this: the odds of success are not great that someone who initially manages to quit drinking/drugging will stay that way. He needs to focus on his sobriety - his life depends on it. If he doesn't get that (and his response to your reaction about marriage speaks volumes in that regard) - he's got some interesting times ahead of him before he can even think about being marriage material.

You are right to want to go slow; you would be wise to not "go" at all for 12 months. If he has half the insight and sobriety he claims, he will understand. If he gives you a hard time I would recommend you seriously reconsider having any relationship with him, because he clearly isn't ready for one.

If he can't wait or gives some wild story in response, you should pull back - it is pretty strong evidence that he's not now (and may never be) serious about his sobriety, and without that all you're going to get is another ride on the crazy train. Be very clear about that.

I know that might sound harsh, but addicts and alcoholics are masters of delusion of self and those they love. His insistence about marriage and strong negative reaction to your honest (and justified) reluctance should give you pause. And understand that emotional balance is one thing that gets whacked in early sobriety - that will pass after several months (4-6), but whether his stance on marriage is just muddled thinking or a blatant attempt to control is impossible to guess, but if it were my heart and sanity at play, I'd think long and hard before pusuing this.

Most of all - be good to yourself, RC. You've been through too much already.

RedCandle

Bill...can you help me think through the al-anon and therapy?

I have considered going many times...but then, this thought occurs:
"Why am I going to spend my Friday or Saturday night in al-anon or lose work time for therapy...when I could be spending time with friends, taking a walk...enjoying life. Don't go to these meetings...you're just devoting more of YOUR time to HIS problem."

Wow...that feels very selfish to write...but that's what goes through my head...as if dedicating time to MY therapy is giving in to HIS issue.

I'm sure that's totally backwards??

Eddie...he has always pushed marriage hard since we met and I just can't understand WHY. I don't know many guys as ALL who are dying to get married...but he seems VERY passionate about the idea. Is this a control issue? How do I know if it's genuine or if he just sees me as a possession?

Thanks everyone!

Eddiebuckle

RC,

There's an expression in "the rooms" (AA meetings) we say about ourselves: we don't have relationships, we take hostages. Obviously I don't know him, so I have no idea what to say about his insistence on marriage, but some people are in love with the concept of love as opposed to the reality of loving relationships (they take work!). It sure would give me doubts...

LostinBA

I had the exact same type of question "Why me, why do I need to go if my AW is the issue and she has left"... The truth is I have issues that I need to work through and so far all of the people on this board and in my Al-Anon group have understood... I wanted to hide my head in a hole and say it wasn't my problem, but it is also my problem. I made it my problem by being involved with an alcoholic and not understanding what it did to change me.... I'm glad I've been going, and it's only been a month for me... good luck on your decision.

Willybluedog

Red,

Do your friends understand what you are going through, can the really help, I know they are there for you, but when they say they understand, do they really understand or are they being sympathetic and empathetic to a friend?

The number one thing is for you to get better, focus on your recovery, this has nothing to do with his problem except in how it affects you.

I would bet that time with friends is to some degree escaping problems rather than facing them, escaping is ok, we all have to do it for our own sanity, but escaping for short periods is very different than running away from your problems.

Al-anon is like this board, lots of folks who have been in the same spot you are now, they know what you are going through, they really understand.

I was having a talk with my dad the other day and we were discussing my molestation by a stranger when I was 8, my dad actually had the audacity to compare it to when a gay man tried to pick him up, I was blown away, he was convinced he "understood" my pain, all the while he was minimizing it by comparing sodomy to flirtation!

Therapy is something you do for you, some days you leave and feel great, other days you leave exhausted, if you find the right therapist the walls come down and puzzles become easy to solve, I think it is well worth the time and effort, maybe others feel differently.

I believe in my heart that al-anon and therapy help, walks and friends help too, but you need all of them, no just one or two pieces.

I will be here to talk as much as you want, I want to help, I know I am not communicating this as well as I would like, I took my evening meds and they make me a little loopy (loopey, loopie, how the hell do you spell loopy), but I like many others here care very much about what happens to you, you are now part of the SR family.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

jamaicamecrazy

Go to Al Anon for YOU To work things out about how you feel about the relationship and to learn how to determine your boundaries and communicate them better. You deserve to be able to say no without guilt. Many of the questions you pose here on the board are things that are addressed in Al Anon meetings. Going out with friends is great. Have fun, Enjoy yourself but it is a distraction- a welcome one but Al Anon will give you tools to deal with difficult people and situations in your life. Starting with the A but certainly not ending there. Much luck to you.

BobbyJ

I welcome you to go to my profile and read my first 4 thread's that I wrote

You will read what I went experianced & learned in the beginning.
You will read, sadness, confussion, scared, madness

Hopefully, you will continue to learn to take care of yourself!

BobbyJ

Myths and Facts about Alcohol and Brain Damage

Go to this site. There is a chart on there (Table 1) - Im not saying this is true
for your's, but I know it was true for my xah....

When my husband was in rehab. We had family day, and the rehab showed educational movies about the brain and what happens to the brain while they are drinking and while they are beginning to get sober.

Now, almost a year later, I understand it...
Some call it the fog...They dont think straight!
What they said and what the movie showed, was the truth for mine...

They taught us and even alot of AA people will tell you, it usually takes one year to 18 months before they can really make clear decisions. Just like what was posted above


They suggest to them NOT to make major changes. But mine did.
He did, because he didnt follow the program, he was not ready to stop drinking. He packed up and moved away right after rehab.

Search the internet and read on brain damage, dry drunk, brains on alcohol, all of it, search whatever, educate yourself about alcoholism....

In the beginning, it was hard for me to know what the word's detach, let go
no contact meant, but I read and read and read, posted and posted and went
to classes after classes..I finally got it! My light went on.

Once I looked at it in a medical manner, it began to make more sense to me...

This was my recipe:
#1 Alanon was my first step to the beginning of my recovery.
#2 Researched, Read about the brain & alcoholism
#3 Posting on this site, with people who have walked the walk

And Im still working on it. It doesnt go away overnight. Just like them getting sober
doesnt make a perfect world the next day...

Hope this has helped!