Need help understanding the alcoholic
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
msgrace - 10 years ago i was married to a very nice man....we lived in a very nice little house, had a nice little life, both with good jobs, financially solvent (but not wealthy by any means!), two newer model cars and two utterly wretched dogs. all the elements for happily ever after right?
not quite. see we were both in recovery, we met when he had 3 years clean and sober and i had just over one...we were together a total of 14 years, the latter 7 married. at about 7.5 years sober, the straight life lost it's appeal....FOR ME. it had absolutely NOTHING to do with anything or anyone in my life, BUT ME. i was still searching, incomplete and i'd lost sight of why i ever got sober in the first place.
so i started drinking again. kept it as much of a secret as a i could, altho i wasn't nearly as sneaky as i hoped. i just couldn't GET back to that point of wanting to be sober more than i wanted to drink.
and ultimately, i left. for me and for him. he'd signed up for a sober partner. so off i went on my journey...thru lots of twists and turns and growth and setbacks, including a 4.5 year stint as a crack addict...
today i share my life with a singularly wonderful man, who i call my husband but isn't (i'm 52 and boyfriend sounds ridiculous), who i call my best friend and is. we live in a funky-styled older home which we bought 4 years ago, on a picture perfect little lake, with two newer model cars in the drive, good jobs and two dogs that i adore. on paper those two lives sound so similar and yet couldn't be farther apart. this house is my HOME, the last one was my own prison.
not quite. see we were both in recovery, we met when he had 3 years clean and sober and i had just over one...we were together a total of 14 years, the latter 7 married. at about 7.5 years sober, the straight life lost it's appeal....FOR ME. it had absolutely NOTHING to do with anything or anyone in my life, BUT ME. i was still searching, incomplete and i'd lost sight of why i ever got sober in the first place.
so i started drinking again. kept it as much of a secret as a i could, altho i wasn't nearly as sneaky as i hoped. i just couldn't GET back to that point of wanting to be sober more than i wanted to drink.
and ultimately, i left. for me and for him. he'd signed up for a sober partner. so off i went on my journey...thru lots of twists and turns and growth and setbacks, including a 4.5 year stint as a crack addict...
today i share my life with a singularly wonderful man, who i call my husband but isn't (i'm 52 and boyfriend sounds ridiculous), who i call my best friend and is. we live in a funky-styled older home which we bought 4 years ago, on a picture perfect little lake, with two newer model cars in the drive, good jobs and two dogs that i adore. on paper those two lives sound so similar and yet couldn't be farther apart. this house is my HOME, the last one was my own prison.
Thanks so very much for sharing your story. You may be interested to listen to some lyrics/songs by Scott Stapp of Creed. Seems he has suffered from addiction issues. The words are quite powerful, especially for us having suffered as addicts and loved ones.
Seems he even has made amends at concerts to the fans, asked for forgiveness and apologized. my own prison, torn, one last breath ; songs you may want to check out
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Thanks Grace...
...my apologies for not making it clear that the questions were rhetorical and were for your consideration as you travel this road we all share. They are the same questions I learned to ask of myself.
That said, your response makes clear that Grace is not just a name for you as your responses and writing style are, in fact, full of grace.
Take care,
Cyranoak
That said, your response makes clear that Grace is not just a name for you as your responses and writing style are, in fact, full of grace.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by MsGrace
You are correct of course. This all happened just a couple months ago...so I'm pretty raw with it still, and I am doing the Al Anon work, and I STILL want a better understanding. I so appreciate what Anvil has courageously shared...it really does help to understand the mechanism of the disease. It helps to de-personalize it. It helps.
Now for your questions: Why did you choose a recovering alcoholic? I chose the person...and not understanding the disease at all, assumed 13 years of sobriety meant that he was "cured". I just didn't understand the disease.
Why were you unaware and in denial he was relapsing? I did not understand the disease....I had no way of understanding what a relapse would look like. I didn't understand until I actually discovered the real alcohol. Once I understood that a relapse had occurred...I started Al Anon right away in crisis. You see...it seems he was VERY clever at hiding. I've heard this is pretty common.
Why do you think logic or love applies in this situation? It clearly doesn't. I did not understand the disease. I married for love and was totally devoted. My only regret now is that I would have gone to Al Anon a few times before marriage...or educated myself about the disease prior to marriage. I may have made different decisions. I find the disease completely mysterious...
Why, after all your years in recovery, is any of this a surprise to you? I am not alcoholic and have just been going to Al Anon 2 months. This entire conversation is brand new. I have not been in recovery for years. I did not understand the disease. I'm learning now.
What are you going to do? I'm doing what I need to do: I'm learning about the disease. I attend Al Anon every week. I have a sponsor. I have a counselor. I'm working the steps myself. I'm here on this forum to continue to learn about myself and how to get better. I want to be able to ask tough questions without being judged. It is this that helps.
That's all
Now for your questions: Why did you choose a recovering alcoholic? I chose the person...and not understanding the disease at all, assumed 13 years of sobriety meant that he was "cured". I just didn't understand the disease.
Why were you unaware and in denial he was relapsing? I did not understand the disease....I had no way of understanding what a relapse would look like. I didn't understand until I actually discovered the real alcohol. Once I understood that a relapse had occurred...I started Al Anon right away in crisis. You see...it seems he was VERY clever at hiding. I've heard this is pretty common.
Why do you think logic or love applies in this situation? It clearly doesn't. I did not understand the disease. I married for love and was totally devoted. My only regret now is that I would have gone to Al Anon a few times before marriage...or educated myself about the disease prior to marriage. I may have made different decisions. I find the disease completely mysterious...
Why, after all your years in recovery, is any of this a surprise to you? I am not alcoholic and have just been going to Al Anon 2 months. This entire conversation is brand new. I have not been in recovery for years. I did not understand the disease. I'm learning now.
What are you going to do? I'm doing what I need to do: I'm learning about the disease. I attend Al Anon every week. I have a sponsor. I have a counselor. I'm working the steps myself. I'm here on this forum to continue to learn about myself and how to get better. I want to be able to ask tough questions without being judged. It is this that helps.
That's all
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
thank you Cyranoak...these questions, as painful as they are ARE the right questions...especially going forward and not ever wanting to be naive about addiction ever again. How I wished I'd gone to ONE Al Anon meeting before agreeing to marry. Cannot change the past...but can change now, and certainly change how I behave in the future.
Thank you for your kindness....
Thank you for your kindness....
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