cmjames84

So I relocated for my ex who is an A. Because we loved God and the Bible, I overlooked way too many red flags. For one, this man is divorced and clearly was not over his ex wife (who left him for the same reason: alcoholic). Also, he would say if the drinking bothered me I was judging him.

He also would tell me he didn't deal with "feelings" and how I was a "killjoy" when he wanted to get wasted.

Basically. I moved out 2 weeks ago and he returned the engagement ring. It is hard because I miss him and keep believing him. Last night, he ended up telling me supposedly he wrote some letter for me. I had blocked his email and he figured it out. I think it was a tactic for him to unblock me.

Anyhow, I need help/advice/anything.

I have peace but then when we talk I lose it. I break down crying. This is like so bad. I am SO glad I left.

The hardest part was not wanting to admit I messed up. Also, I kept listening to his promises.

I am proud I left but he keeps putting blame on me. On top of it, goes on about how I was depressed. I was so depressed because of our relationship. The man drank until 8am not working or doing anything. I would go to college and spend my days alone and so lonely.

Gosh the more I type even, the more I realize.

And I see now with more clarity how he manipulated me. Not only that, I am about to turn 27 and he is 41. I feel like he played on my age too. But then I make excuses for him. Help! lol

cmjames84

Even rereading this post it is all over the place. lol

By the way, I am codependent if you could not tell.

kiki5711

seems you just answered your own question.

lazy beer belly drunk, emotional vampire.

XXXXXXXXXX

I relate to your post. I too moved to be with my now EX. The life he promised when I sold my house, quit my job, and relocated was not the one I got. Bait and switch.

"This is not what I signed up for."

After almost a year I gave my ring back too, only a couple of weeks before the wedding date. I'm starting over and it feels right. I miss mine too. I miss the promise of the life I signed up for. Good luck to you. You know what is right.

Linkmeister

Same story here. Moved cross country (in denial, hoping that my presence would help) and lived the insanity up close and personal. Binge, anger, verbal abuse, countless tirades, my co-dependency- begging, pleading, the whole nine yards.

In spite of that, I went out, made friends, took a lot of courses, found a good Al-Anon group and that only worsened things for him as I was actually living recovery, not paying lip service to it.

Long story short-I dumped him a while back and am finding out that like Mary Tyler Moore, in her old series, "You're gonna make it after all."

Sure, I miss him, I grieve for the dreams of the life we were supposed to have but I am working through that.

It feels good, it feels right and while I have had weak moments, I know I made the right choice.

lillamy

Hi and welcome! And yeah, boy, can I ever relate.

I've learned that the person married to an alcoholic often dies before the alcoholic -- that being in a relationship with an alcoholic breaks down not only your emotional health (I was on antidepressants the last 8 years of my marriage -- haven't needed a single pill since I left) but also your physical health.

A bunch of years ago, I was praying that God would make my AH stop drinking. I figured out that God doesn't make anyone do anything. He created us with the ability to make choices for ourselves. And just like you have a choice whether to live with an alcoholic, the alcoholic has a choice to deal with his disease.

It probably sounds wrong, but I want to congratulate you on making the choice to save yourself from the fallout of alcoholism. I didn't: I had children with my AH, and by that choice, put other people (the children) through the hell of living with an alcoholic.

We're not supposed to give advice, but I think if you read your own post, you see what helps you:
So -- logick would have it that if talking to him makes you lose it, avoiding talking to him might be a healthy thing for you.

The guilt trips are endless with actively drinking alcoholics. If I were to believe my AXH, everything bad is my fault. From the fact that he needs new winter tires to the economic recession. Probably a couple earthquakes and volcano eruptions, too.

Keep posting. Read the stickied posts at the top. Many of us have been where you are.

mcfinn

Love yourself for the wonderful person you are. Personally I would rather get use to being alone then being with someone who hurts me and stops me from being happy in this gift of life. Just my 2 cents for what its worth.

lillamy

And I really know how to spell logic. I swear.

cmjames84

Wow, thanks everyone. I know in my heart this is what I need to do. Your support means so much to me.

Thumper

The biggest favor I ever did for myself was to go no contact. I did have some contact because we have kids but it was only email and I only responded to child related questions. Even then I ignored the ones that were meant to hurt, blame, guilt, manipulate. Consider ending all contact for awhile. No phone calls, texts, don't listen to the voice mails or emails. It is truly a gift.

Seren

Hello cm, Welcome to SR!

This is a great place for support and shared experience!

Probably this is the most truthful thing the man told you:
These aspects of his personality are part of the whole package. IMHO, it sounds as though you are making the right decision for your own future and happiness.

Prayers for you and for his recovery...whenever that may be.

HG