tryintosmile

It's not an argument with him. It's emotional and verbal abuse - and he goes on and on and on and on. I'm late for his family gathering. I don't go out often and miscalculated on how long it would take me to get ready. I was running 20 minutes late.

Everything we do - which isn't much - is associated around the alcohol. He drinks hard from about 6:00 - 10:00 p.m. (and longer on weekends) so when we HAVE to go somewhere he gets extremely agitated. He wants to be home for his 'happy hours'. He also finds socializing extremely hard because he can't drink and he just wants to be home at his special time. So his brother invites us for 4:00 p.m. - which he complains about. That means we've got to get there early, so we can get home. He keeps bothering me - 'when are you going to be ready - we're already late', etc.

It gets so bad that I tell him to go ahead and have some drinks while I finish, and I'll drive. In case we don't get home in time for the 'real' drinking, at least he'll have some 'in him'. Since I know you can't control the active A's drinking - I thought it might make things more tolerable and he'd leave me alone. I don't normally 'promote' it.

Wrong - Didn't matter - he just got agitated that we were going to be late. All the way there (an hour) he ranted and raved while I drove. I told him it wasn't going to be the end of the world if we were late. That's how he acts. It drives me insane. I get so angry I just want to smash the car into a pole or something - just to make it stop. Before I met him, I never would have had thoughts like that. It's terrible.

So we're a little late. Everything is fine. We eat and then we're out the door. Yep - he has to get home. He's fine on the way home, like nothing happened. When we get home, I'm supposed to join him in the 'drinking room' - the enabler that I am. He NEEDS me there while he drinks himself into a stupor. I tell him that I'm not coming - that I'm angry and I can't stand him. He pleads. I can't stand the pleading so I appease him. I realize that I am addicted to this scenario. After all - it's the same routine - every night.

I tell him that his behavior is awful and abusive and he tells me he agrees, but that I was really the abusive one for being late. He doesn't even understand abuse. What's the point? It's a sad, sad state of affairs. I am waiting for something to break the pattern, but I can't muster the courage for it to be my decision. I'm just so relieved when the abuse is over. This behavior wears me out so much that I really cannot think, much less take action. I'm expected to forget it, and I've learned how to do that - most of the time, but I know it builds up inside me over time. One day I will explode. 'Oh - every couple argues' he likes to say so smugly. This is NOT an argument. This is downright abuse and I know it. I'm confused at how strong I am that I can take it, but so weak that I can't leave it.

I don't think this man is deserving of my time, interest or even love. This cycle of abuse happens daily. There's no building up to it over the course of days. He's mean and nasty. Then he's briefly nice. Then anything can trigger him and he's mean and nasty again. There's no lovey, dovey period. It's just constant mean - sorry - mean - sorry. 'Sorry' and 'I love you' are now just words with no meaning.

I dunno - just needed to rant in order to feel sane in my insane world ...

MeredithD1

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3119161

Our brain chemistry changes when we are loved ones of alcohlics/addicts. This article was posted here at Sober Recovery, in Friends and Families of Substance Abusers by cynical one.

It's called The Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One by Lori Pate, B.A. Psychology, University of Texas at Austin, and it made a huge impact in me. That is why I share it with you.

I wish you the best.

boomerlady

Many of us, including myself, know what you are going through. We've been through this emotional and verbal abuse from our actively drinking partners. Get yourself to some al-anon meetings in your area, and get your strength back. Dealing with his uncalled for drama everyday is draining so no wonder you are tired. Let him drink but save yourself. You didn't cause his problem with alcohol, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Al-anon is not magical and requires some work and looking at yourself, but stick with it and you'll learn that you don't need to be addicted to the addict. I'm praying for you and this is the right place to be, post and learn by reading.

laurie6781

Maybe it is time for you to contact your nearest Domestic Violence Center, because DV is not only physical abuse, it is emotional and mental abuse.

Talk with them, go see one of their counselors. They may be able to help you to 'break' this cycle and get you on the road of your own recovery.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

frances2011

Tryingtosmile, wishing you peace.

Meredith, thank you so much for that link. So so so helpful and another piece to my puzzle. (((((GRATITUDE)))))

dollydo

You can leave anytime you want to. This is a game you are playing with him, a twisted game that only hurts both of you. Many codies become addicted to the drama, the mind games, the turmoil.

Meetings have been suggested to you, are you going? What about therapy?

Get some help, work on getting yourself healthy, nothing will change until you do.

I wish you the best.

choublak

You guys have a "drinking room" in your house?

m1k3

Two little sayings that helped me.

1. Let go or be dragged.

2. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I agree with the other posters about al-anon. For me it was a life saver. I am in a so much better place since I started the program.

Your friend,

tryintosmile

Choublak - Doesn't everyone? - yes - it's all VERY organized ... sadly the pattern is etched in stone.

Thank you so much for the link, Meredith, and thanks everyone for your support. I knew this was happening with me. I was even diagnosed with Adrenal Fatigue 8 years ago. I remember the first incident where I could feel my whole being - becoming stretched beyond what I ever thought I could handle or would except. I felt myself becoming numb as these situations continued to occur, and it was if I wasn't associating with them any longer. It's as if I'm telling my stories as though they are happening to someone else. I'm not aware of the gravity of my situation and am sometimes strangly surprised at the responses I get, when I explain the abuse. Yes - I know it's abuse, but somehow I've come to be able to intellectualize and verbalize it, but not to take action to move away from it. I feel that when there is some relief, it doesn't seem so bad. I sometimes think that I'm overdramatizing the whole issue and must pull back. I don't have a gauge any longer. That's why this support is so important to me. You're all my gauge - and someday I'll get it ...

choublak

I take it you never invite people to your house?

Tuffgirl

Awareness is a great step...next is action! So what's next?

PS: You are doing great with your self awareness.

Bernadette

The past is gone. You are free in THIS moment.

tryintosmile

I'm afraid to make the wrong decision. I know that by making no decision - it's a decision. The only difference is that it's not as much a conscious choice and sometimes it seems easier to let the cards fall where they do ...

I know - not a very good answer, but truthful.

Pelican

Oh my, that was me!

I could make a grocery list based on what we were low/out of at home. I would go to the store with my list and then second guess myself on the items I wrote on the list. I had zero confidence in myself, and did not trust myself to make healthy decisions.

I found confidence in my ability to make healthy decisions for my life through Alanon, Self-improvement books, and SR support.

One of the self-improvement books I read (and re-read) taught me an affirmation: I approve of me.

So often, I would doubt myself. So many times, I would kick-my own butt and think I should have done x, y, z instead of a, b, c. I was always doubting my decisions.

So I taught myself to say: I approve of me. I taught myself to say it at least as many times a day as I had been doubting myself previously. (try approx 100 times a day for starters). It worked.

I believe in your ability to make healthy decisions for your life!

You can do it!

choublak

Is he afraid to drink alone because that would further confirm that he is indeed an alcoholic?

NYCDoglvr

There's a wonderful line in the movie "Thelma and Louise":

Thelma, you get what you settle for. If this is what you want for yourself, you stay. Otherwise it's time to work on yourself. Alanon is a great place to start because you must learn that there's nothing you can do or say to change anyone but yourself.