beingpatient

Hi - I'm writing about my husband, whom I've been married to for 9 years, have known for 15, and have two young kids with.

First of all, I'd just like to say that he's a very sweet guy. Wonderful with me and the kids when he is sober. Never any abuse. I love him very much. However, he has always drank, as long as I've known him. He admits to having no control when it comes to drinking, and knows how I feel about it. I am very clear about my disgust when he's drunk.

About two or three months ago, I quit having my one glass of wine at night due to health problems, and suggested that he give up his average 4-6 beers too. To my amazement, he agreed. And, it's been wonderul. He does still have a drink or two when we go out to eat, but he's been really good about controlling it, and we've been clear about not bringing it home, which has worked great too. I felt like we were starting to reconnect in a great way, like I was starting to trust him again to be in control. He's even expressed revelations that he prefers sobriety over drunkenness.

However, over the last week or so, he's gotten fairly drunk three times. We had friends over, he stopped by a friend's place, he had a bad night, all the excuses are starting up again, and I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I can handle backsliding to the way things used to be. I told him tonight that he'd had too much at our neighbor's and got called a bitch. Nice. Anyway, although overall I feel like he's gotten better, I'm worried about the future. I'd love to hear any advice about how to steer him back to the promised land and away from danger. I know that there are no magic words, but what should I do? Continue to press the issue? Or does that make it worse? Thank you, truly.

Cmslind

Your post resonates with me very much. How to be assertive about the drinking while avoid being labeled the nag? I've tried it all . . . Walking away, subtle hints, straightforward complaint . . . Nothing works if the alcoholic does not buy in. I'm now learning how to set my own boundaries but disappoint myself more than I am disappointed by him i think. The worst thing about living with an alcoholic is losing track of your own boundaries and expectations. It is the elimination of self. Don't let it happen to you.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

How do you respond to his drinking?

I tried detaching from the actions of the drinker. I also tried boundaries "I do not want to engage with an active drinker" I learned how to respond with detachment by reading here and attending Alanon meetings.

There are some sticky (older, permanent) posts at the top of this forum. They contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom. There are steps for detaching, tips on setting boundaries and information on alcohoiism in those posts too.

This is one of my favorite posts:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

beingpatient

Thanks very much, I appreciate your responses. I did let him know this morning that I would not be interacting with him when he is drinking - I'll read through the posts to see how best to continue to set these kinds of boundaries. He has promised to get control again, we'll see how he does at Thanksgiving, it's not going to be easy.

Thanks again, it's nice to know there are people out there that recognize that even functional alcohol abuse isn't normal or ok.

akrasia

He drinks too much and then calls you a bitch? That's not a sweet or wonderful guy.

beingpatient

he's a different person when he's drinking. when he's sober, he's the guy I married.

akrasia

Yeah, but when he's sober, he doesn't say, "Huh, my wife doesn't deserve that crap, I'd better stop drinking altogether."

Pelican

Panther has mentioned a valuable resource in educating self about alcoholism. I learned the facts about how alcohol affects every cell of the person struggling with addiction by reading that book.

We have excerpts from the book posted on this website. Here is the link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I recommend reading the excerpts and the entire book. I thought my AH should read this and understand his alcoholism too. It doesn't work that way, however. I left the book in our bathroom where he would do his reading. He read the intro and a bit of the beginning of the book.

He said it was informative.

He continued to drink.

The information is for you to better understand what alcoholism means, how it affects the mind, body and soul of the addicted. It helped me to understand that I was dealing with something more powerful than myself.

I also learned that I could not seperate the two people living in that one body. The sober and drunk/angry guy were one and the same. The drunk/angry guy was getting more time on stage as the dis-ease progressed.

Keep reading and posting, you are not alone!

beingpatient

thanks to everyone.

I'm sure I have a lot to learn about alcoholism, and I know that I am in the company of many experts of circumstance. But I am not playing the part of the dutiful wife who looks the other way when he's being a *******. When I say that he's a "different person" when drunk, it isn't that I blame the drunk version and forgive the sober one, I know they are one and the same person. That his personality has different traits in the two states is just a fact. In fact, it gives me hope that we can be happy together, since I adore him when he's not drunk.

Anyway, it's beside the point. Mostly I was looking for advice from recovered alcoholics about the roles that their spouses play, and to what degree I can influence his progress in the right direction (yes, I know that he has to ultimately decide...). I appreciate the constructive comments. Thanks for the book reference, I will certainly check that out.

caughtup

Only you can decide what you are willing to live with and forgive and for how long. I wish it were easy and some magic answer, if there were none of us would be here. Just keep on posting reading and getting support. Its all any of us can do.

Pelican

Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.

I am also in recovery from a 14 year marriage to an active alcoholic,
and I am working on my codependency issues.

When I post in the F&F (friends and family) forum, I try to base my posts on my experience of living with an alcoholic spouse. When appropriate, I share about my own history of alcoholism.

I read about alcoholism in "Under the Influence" and it changed my life. However, it did not change my husbands life.

I lived with active drinking in my home, from my life partner, after I got sober. I did not have his support, encouragement or understanding. It was the polar opposite. He was resentful of losing his drinking partner.

I learned about the 3 C's of his alcoholism/addiction here at SR:

I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it

His addiction belonged to him. I was powerless over alcohol and our life had become unmanageable. I could not fix him, but I needed to heal me. Alanon and SR have been invaluable in my recovery.

Stick around, let us know how we can help you!