nowhere else to turn...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: california
Posts: 2
nowhere else to turn...
I am new to this site and hope that I can get some advice. I have been with my fiance for almost three years and love him so much but his drinking is getting out of control. He is never abusive in any way, he just drinks way too much. He only drinks on the weekends and not during the week.
I try to talk to him about this but he just says what he thinks I want to hear and never does anything to slow his drinking. What pushed me over the edge today was finding bottles of liquor hiding in the bedroom.
It hurts me so much that he drinks so much and I just don't know where to go from here. I cannot have a relationship like this but I'm so in love and things are so great during the week when he isn't drinking.
Am I stupid to think that things will ever change? Would it be bad to talk to his sister or something? I feel like I'm in this by myself.
please help
I try to talk to him about this but he just says what he thinks I want to hear and never does anything to slow his drinking. What pushed me over the edge today was finding bottles of liquor hiding in the bedroom.
It hurts me so much that he drinks so much and I just don't know where to go from here. I cannot have a relationship like this but I'm so in love and things are so great during the week when he isn't drinking.
Am I stupid to think that things will ever change? Would it be bad to talk to his sister or something? I feel like I'm in this by myself.
please help
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Am I stupid to think that things will ever change? Would it be bad to talk to his sister or something? I feel like I'm in this by myself.
No, scaredandconfus - not stupid not all. But unrealistic? Probably.
He is exhibiting some pretty classic signs of a serious drinking problem. Alcoholism is progressive - it never "gets better." The only way to stop the progression is for the alcoholic to choose sobriety and work on their own recovery. Unfortunately that's a difficult road for alcoholics to choose - and we can't make them do it.
So just ask yourself - can you accept him 100% as he is today? Is a fun/good relationship 5 days a week enough for you? And are you being honest with yourself? Is it really fun those 5 days when you know what is looming on the upcoming weekend? It is not normal for people to get wasted every weekend and it is not normal to hide booze. So can you accept all that? And you plan to marry him so can you accept that and how much worse it will get over time in the years ahead?
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
And you can't cure it.
Glad you're here! You are NOT alone and you are NOT stupid. It is very sad and tragic to love an A, it can rally put you through the ringer - usually because we hope that they will change - meanwhile they use all the tricks and insanity that an alcoholic uses and pretty soon we can end up as sick as they are.
Stick around - read some of the Classic Stickies at the top of the first page of this forum - a wealth of great info in there!
Peace-
B
No, scaredandconfus - not stupid not all. But unrealistic? Probably.
He is exhibiting some pretty classic signs of a serious drinking problem. Alcoholism is progressive - it never "gets better." The only way to stop the progression is for the alcoholic to choose sobriety and work on their own recovery. Unfortunately that's a difficult road for alcoholics to choose - and we can't make them do it.
So just ask yourself - can you accept him 100% as he is today? Is a fun/good relationship 5 days a week enough for you? And are you being honest with yourself? Is it really fun those 5 days when you know what is looming on the upcoming weekend? It is not normal for people to get wasted every weekend and it is not normal to hide booze. So can you accept all that? And you plan to marry him so can you accept that and how much worse it will get over time in the years ahead?
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
And you can't cure it.
Glad you're here! You are NOT alone and you are NOT stupid. It is very sad and tragic to love an A, it can rally put you through the ringer - usually because we hope that they will change - meanwhile they use all the tricks and insanity that an alcoholic uses and pretty soon we can end up as sick as they are.
Stick around - read some of the Classic Stickies at the top of the first page of this forum - a wealth of great info in there!
Peace-
B
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
very sorry to say....but, if you are finding empty bottles hidden in your home, things are probably much worse than you think. we alcoholics are very good at saying what we know people want to hear and hiding what we dont want you to see. he may or may not be drinking only on the weekends. only he knows for sure. one thing you can count on...it will get worse if he is an alcoholic. and, i dont know anyone who hides empties that is not an alcoholic. you two are new in this relationship (3yrs) and times are probably still "all good". the bad...no....horrible times come when pressures of life increase. if you love this man...and he loves you...sit him down and tell him what you can and cannot live with. see if he is willing to walk away from alcohol or if he is engaged to it as well. then...you decide. best of luck .... best of love...mags
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: california
Posts: 2
thank you both so much for your responses. I will check out those stickies too. The thought of losing him to something like this is so frustrating and its a shame that it sounds like a lot of people go through the same thing.
I will sit down with him tomorrow and give him an ultimatum....and I guess all I can do is hope that he will pick me. *tears*
I will sit down with him tomorrow and give him an ultimatum....and I guess all I can do is hope that he will pick me. *tears*
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I will sit down with him tomorrow and give him an ultimatum....and I guess all I can do is hope that he will pick me. *tears*
I cannot live with someone who abuses alcohol. I will not have alcohol in my home. I cannot keep finding bottles in my bedroom.
As to him 'choosing' well .................................. right now it sounds like King Alcohol already has him in his grip and he may have to reach more of a bottom than just you not being in his life, before he himself WANTS to do something about it.
Please keep reading on here. Check out Alanon in your area. You will find some really great Face To Face support in those meetings.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much!
Feel free to vent, rant, rave, cry, and yes even laugh as we do understand.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
An ultimatum is making him behave in a way to suit you (e.g. you must stop or you must leave), which will breed resentments.
Here we've learned to have boundries, e.g. "I will not be in a relationship with or marry an active alcoholic or anyone with less than one full year of recovery." You are indicating what you feel is healthy for you. His actions are his, either way, but you know what you have determined is good for you. You don't even have to announce them, but if you do, be sure you are going to live up to them.
For what it's worth, if I had known my AH was going to become an alcoholic, I would never have married him.
Sending you kind thoughts.
Here we've learned to have boundries, e.g. "I will not be in a relationship with or marry an active alcoholic or anyone with less than one full year of recovery." You are indicating what you feel is healthy for you. His actions are his, either way, but you know what you have determined is good for you. You don't even have to announce them, but if you do, be sure you are going to live up to them.
For what it's worth, if I had known my AH was going to become an alcoholic, I would never have married him.
Sending you kind thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
((((((((scaredandconfus)))))))))
You don't have to put yourself up in a contest vs. booze and face elimination. You could take the initiative- based on REALITY (he has a drinking problem) and say - I cannot honetly give my heart to an active alcoholic. I need some space from this relationship to sort out what I want in my life! Then go and take your space and take all the time in the world to see what YOU really want - not whether he wants you more than booze!
Be prepared if you do give him an ultimatum he may lie. He may say - "Darling of course I choose you - I am done with drinking!" But you know what? Alcoholics lie. Ask any recovered alcoholic - they will tell you that they lied all the time. That's just what alcoholics do. Accept that or maybe think twice about a relationship with an alcoholic!
They lie because nothing gets in the way of their drinking. So if they have to hide bottles and AOB (alcohol on breath) - they will hide bottles and brush their teeth constantly - if they have to keep a good job and a wife so they maintain an appearance of success so they can keep on drinking, then they will maintain that appearance. If they have to lie to the people who love them and go to a few AA meetings to get everyone off their back so they can keep drinking then that's what they will do.
I know this can sound harsh what I am saying - but try not to take it personally - it is just what alcoholics do - they don't do it TO us they just do it. It is the nature of their problem!
And the nature of MY problem when I was sick in my codepenndent mind was: I thought I could help by helping! By giving my A brothers articles to read, and books on getting sober, and by engaging in long drawn out heated arguments, conversations, phone calls, bail outs, late night rescues on the street, financial help etc etc etc. It exhausts me just remembering it all! They have both had several wonderful girlfriends who thought the same thing - who thought they could help and who thought my bros would choose them over alcohol. It just doesn't wotk that way.
My bros need to choose themselves over booze before they can ever choose the girl!
And I need to choose MYSELF and my sanity over someone else's problems, no matter how much I love them, they are a black hole of charming handsome lies and misery!
Peace - I know it all sounds heavy but breaking free of denial is the first step in seeing how the power is all in your hands to choose the joyful life YOU want!
Peace-
B
You don't have to put yourself up in a contest vs. booze and face elimination. You could take the initiative- based on REALITY (he has a drinking problem) and say - I cannot honetly give my heart to an active alcoholic. I need some space from this relationship to sort out what I want in my life! Then go and take your space and take all the time in the world to see what YOU really want - not whether he wants you more than booze!
Be prepared if you do give him an ultimatum he may lie. He may say - "Darling of course I choose you - I am done with drinking!" But you know what? Alcoholics lie. Ask any recovered alcoholic - they will tell you that they lied all the time. That's just what alcoholics do. Accept that or maybe think twice about a relationship with an alcoholic!
They lie because nothing gets in the way of their drinking. So if they have to hide bottles and AOB (alcohol on breath) - they will hide bottles and brush their teeth constantly - if they have to keep a good job and a wife so they maintain an appearance of success so they can keep on drinking, then they will maintain that appearance. If they have to lie to the people who love them and go to a few AA meetings to get everyone off their back so they can keep drinking then that's what they will do.
I know this can sound harsh what I am saying - but try not to take it personally - it is just what alcoholics do - they don't do it TO us they just do it. It is the nature of their problem!
And the nature of MY problem when I was sick in my codepenndent mind was: I thought I could help by helping! By giving my A brothers articles to read, and books on getting sober, and by engaging in long drawn out heated arguments, conversations, phone calls, bail outs, late night rescues on the street, financial help etc etc etc. It exhausts me just remembering it all! They have both had several wonderful girlfriends who thought the same thing - who thought they could help and who thought my bros would choose them over alcohol. It just doesn't wotk that way.
My bros need to choose themselves over booze before they can ever choose the girl!
And I need to choose MYSELF and my sanity over someone else's problems, no matter how much I love them, they are a black hole of charming handsome lies and misery!
Peace - I know it all sounds heavy but breaking free of denial is the first step in seeing how the power is all in your hands to choose the joyful life YOU want!
Peace-
B
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I'm not in favor of ultimatums either. I was giving them for years, never anything good came out of it. It just made me feel even more frustrated, even more in pain. As I figured he was choosing alcohol over me. In the sense he was but there is much more to it, mainly he was chosing alcohol over himself, I believe that to be a bigger issue. He didn't mean to hurt me, he was too busy lieing to himself, convincing myself he has it under control, and I was just echoing that voice inside his head he was trying to silence. I was just adding the pressure, pressure he was not ready to deal with. I don't think any A choses sobriety because they feel pressured to do so.
I tried any single thing you can think of to make my RAH stop drinking, never achieved anything with it except from making my life even more miserable. He stopped drinking only when he was ready, and at that point I was out of his life for months. What made him stop - I have no idea. We speak about it and still I don't understand what was different this time as opposed to all previous times, I just know this for whatever reason this time he was ready. He had his own path to follow, take enough number of steps to get where he is today. It has nothing to do with me, just him.
As for me all I could do was decide what is acceptable for me and what is not, and eventually act on it.
So my opinion on your question: he'll change only when and if he is ready, and there is not a single thing you can do about it. ( you dind't cause it, you can't control it, and more than anything you can't cure it).
I hope what I said doesn't sound harsh, just wanted to share my experience hoping it might be helpful
Take care and stick around, read as much as you can, you can learn a lot about alcoholism here, the more you learn the eaiser it will become for you to see things clearly and make decisions
HUGS
I tried any single thing you can think of to make my RAH stop drinking, never achieved anything with it except from making my life even more miserable. He stopped drinking only when he was ready, and at that point I was out of his life for months. What made him stop - I have no idea. We speak about it and still I don't understand what was different this time as opposed to all previous times, I just know this for whatever reason this time he was ready. He had his own path to follow, take enough number of steps to get where he is today. It has nothing to do with me, just him.
As for me all I could do was decide what is acceptable for me and what is not, and eventually act on it.
So my opinion on your question: he'll change only when and if he is ready, and there is not a single thing you can do about it. ( you dind't cause it, you can't control it, and more than anything you can't cure it).
I hope what I said doesn't sound harsh, just wanted to share my experience hoping it might be helpful
Take care and stick around, read as much as you can, you can learn a lot about alcoholism here, the more you learn the eaiser it will become for you to see things clearly and make decisions
HUGS
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