quitforme79

The short of things is that I recently left my boyfriend because he started drinking after a very long stint of sobriety. Then, I went on a binge for about a month. Hippocritical I know. I'm in therapy and working on myself, trying to get thru childhood stuff (I'm an ACOA) and trying not to accept responsibility for my ex going back to drinking. The child in me has come out and I keep thinking "If I would've done x,y,z differently would he not have relapsed? If I hadn't had a couple glasses of wine that night with friends when he was at work would he have not relapsed? (He was ok with me doing that now and then by the way). However, I mentioned these feelings of guilt to my therapist tonight and she said that his sobriety didn't matter to me if I had a few drinks with friends. Really? Because long before he started drinking he was smoking weed a few times a day and I was left in the background. In other words, he relapsed way before he ever picked up the drink. Anyway, I just can't get over how sad I am, how much I miss him. He will send me messages every couple of weeks about how much he loves and misses me and that this is one of the biggest mistakes of his life. When I ask if anything else has changed, he says no and that he wants to be alone to figure himself out (which I see as aka drink). I let him know that I don't drink anymore at all because I want to be healthy, have clarity and not turn into an alcoholic which I definietly have the possiblity of becoming if I would've continued with my latest pattern. I was so depressed and lonely I just didnt care. Now, I do care. Alcohol has ripped so many people from my life , even almost myself. It makes me sick when I think of it. How do I make this guilt go away? Can someone actually cause someone else to relapse? When will I stop missing him?

Tuffgirl

No, people relapse because of their own stinkin thinkin.

Yes, over time you will stop missing him. You are grieving, it is normal to feel this way, and time will heal your wounds.

P.S. Let go of the guilt - that's your own stinkin thinkin!

Stay strong...this too shall pass.
~T

chronsweet

Haha Tuff Girl,

I think I like that phrase, "Stinkin' Thinkin'"

sesh

Just want to second what TuffGirl said
he will drink regardless of what you do! If you had the power to make him drink you'd aslo have the power to make him stop, don't you think?
Missing someone is hard, but at the end of the day it is not about missing someone it is about doing the best thing for yourself. Life consists of tough choices. I wish it was different but it is not.
Hang in there you're doing a right thing.
Also, if you're asking for advice, mine would be: find another therapist. As the one you have .... I mean, really?
Also, I know what it is like to deal with ACOA issues while dealing with an active A partner. IN my experience the best you can do is concentrate on your own healing.
One step at the time
HUGS

quitforme79

Thanks so much sesh, your words are very comforting and right on point. I know...what my therapist said is a little ridiculous. It's like going back to when I was a child and thinking if I dumped the liquor down the drain my parents would never drink again. Life and alcoholism is not that concrete. And yes, if i could make him start to drink then I certainly could make him stop which obviously is not the case. That thought really helped me. I guess I have to just go thru the grieving process and still keep doing positive things in my own life. If I take away this whole situation of loss, my life really isn't terrible. I have a good job, a roof over my head and wonderful friends. Thanks so much for all your support...definitely helped start my day on a positive note

likealion

Absolutely not your fault. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. These are the 3 C's and they are written in my heart.

You didn't cause it
There is nothing you did that caused your boyfriend's alcoholism. His drinking is not your fault.

You can't control it
There is nothing you can do to control his drinking. Just like you said, pouring all the booze down the drain isn't going to stop someone from drinking. There are no magic pills, no crazy ritual, no rain dance, etc that you could do to keep him from drinking.

You can't cure it
This one is obvious. Only the alcoholic can make that choice (and even then there is no cure for alcoholism -- just life-long recovery). This is the most frustrating one because when we love people, there's almost nothing we wouldn't do for them to help them get better when they're sick. Unfortunately, the choice isn't up to us. It's up to them, and they'll either choose to get better, or they won't.

I wish you happiness and healing -- keep taking care of yourself. Come here for support.

Cyranoak

Your therapist is a codependent douchbag with absolutely no understanding of alcoholism and addiction. What a **** face, and how dare he lay the issues of another upon you. Guck that fuy!

Time for a therapist with a background in these issues-- the one you have now is not only ignorant, but also irresponsible in that they have clearly not educated them-self in this arena which is NOT OK for a therapist.

Cyranoak (recovering codependent douchbag)

Smallsteps

That's douchebag, Cyrano.

Otherwise, I completely agree with you


---Smallsteps, having a weird humor sort of day.

steve1840

hi-

i agree with everyone, you had nothing to do with his relapse. i went through all that guilt stuff myself for months. even the addict in my life said, there was nothing i could have done to have prevented anything. but the good news is you caught yourself from slipping into your own thing. the grieving sucks, but as you said, keep doing positive things and you'll get there.

quitforme79

Cyranoak thank you so much!! You have me laughing but it really is true about the therapist ..Oh and he supposedly does have a "specialty" in addiction! HA!!! Scares me how people can be licensed to practice sometimes. I mean, I cried all frigging night after leaving that douchebag's session! Wow, felt really liberating to say that LOL @ steve1840, my ex has told me numerous times that there's NOTHING i could've done to prevent him from relapsing, guess I should believe him huh? And yes, I am so proud/grateful that I am choosing the high road for myself and not turing to alcohol. Thank you all soooo much, you have made my night

wicked

And this, written above made my night. Thank you QFM79.

Beth

NYCDoglvr

You have no control over him drinking. Alcoholism isn't a disease of the elbow ... he DECIDED to pick up a drink. You are only responsible for your own behavior.