worriedwife2

Hello,

I have been on here a few times. My AH is an alcoholic and was cheating on me. He of course, denied it, but I knew. I had the opportunity to check his phone Friday night and right there it was! The I love you's, etc. We have been married 12 years. This is what I wanted, but I'm not sure why I am so hurt. We have an 8 year daughter. He has been mentally and physically abusive towards me. I knew this was going on and so wanted to catch him. Why am I so hurt? Ugh!

He is still blaming me because I checked his phone! WTH? I have every right to, he is my husband. I know I'm rambling here, I just need to get it out. He asked me not to see an attorney that he won't screw me, but I know how that goes. He has lied to me so much. I am relieved, but very sad. I go see a counselor next week. I was really getting better in my recovery with codependency but this has pushed me over the edge and I feel back to square one.

Any words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated. I do have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow. I have had this set up for two weeks. I'm not telling him. He is staying at his "friends." I'm sure she's the friend.

Thanks for listening,
Worriedwife2

Florence

Girl, you just got set free of all the abuse and lies and everything else.

Of course it hurts. It hurts. Betrayal hurts! But this may possibly be the best thing he's ever done for you.

:hugs:

worriedwife2

Florence,

I know you are so right. I just need to get that through my thick head! I have been thinking of leaving for so long and now this is my ticket out. It just stings knowing I've always been there for him through so much, alcohol, pain pill addiction, a prior affair four years ago, etc.

Wow, just typing that makes me realize this is for the best. I just have to start believing it.

Thanks.

wavygreensea

Hi worriedwife,

I am new here and in a similar situation in that I have been married to my AH for almost 9 years (together almost 10) and we have an 8 year old and a 2 year old together. I have suspected my AH has cheated before but have no proof. I often wondered how it would make me feel if I got it. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I think you are taking the right steps in that he is out of the house and you are going to see an attorney. I remember when I went to see an attorney once and it was very empowering to know my rights and what I was entitled to in the event I filed for divorce. Depending on the laws of your state, you may be entitled to a lot more than you think, especially if you don't work. Sometimes I've found going through the motions and doing what I know I have to, even if I don't want to or feel like it, gets me through and is a powerful healer. I plan to attend my first Al-Anon meeting tonight and hope you will think about going if you haven't already. Lots of (((hugs)))

worriedwife2

I do work and have a great set of supportive coworkers and family. I actually make more than he does but with all of our debt (because he thinks money grows on trees), I'm not sure if I can afford my house with just my income. I guess I'll find out what my rights are tomorrow.

Thanks for the replies.

LifeRecovery

For me it hurt when I found out about the affair my ex had because the bandaid of denial was ripped off. I was under the impression that his drinking would get better if I tried the best I could, and this showed me that with or without the alcohol in many ways the situation was unlivable for me.

I had "tolerated" the drinking behavior for so long that it became second nature. I was not backing down on this one, finally started using my own voice when I found out etc.

As much as it hurt, the affair in many ways was the best thing to have happened. I think he and his new wife did me a big cosmic favor....it forced me to get out of a situation that was not working for me.

Cyranoak

I can't imagine how much pain you are feeling from this, but given the mental and physical abuse it's possible that in the long run this is a very good thing. There is no scenario where that is appropriate.

See an attorney and also your counselor. For both yourself and your children. Don't forget how manipulative alcoholics are-- you need an attorney to protect you and your family.

One thing I will share with you to consider in your future relationships, and it's my opinion only and no offense is intended whatsoever, is that being married does not give a husband or wife the right to read each other's mail, check each other's phones, etc. If a woman brought this belief into a relationship with me it would be a very short relationship.

Perhaps this exact situation may have justified it this one time, but overall if my wife were to check my phone or read my mail I would be livid. I would consider it an extreme invasion of my privacy and I also consider it just plain wrong. I've never checked her phone or her mail (even when she was drinking). Everything I needed to know was blatantly obvious anyway and the last thing I needed was more evidence-- all the evidence I needed was right there if I just decided to see it (and I finally did after many years-- slow learner).

I also believe I don't have the right to read my daughter's diary just because I'm her dad. It's just so very wrong.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak


Worriedwife2[/QUOTE]

likealion

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I wish my mother had had the courage to leave my father when I was young. I'm almost 30 and she's just now getting her ducks in a row to leave him. For so many years, I grew up thinking that the reason he spent so much time away from home was because I wasn't good enough. Sounds like you will spare your daughter from that.

Best of luck to you.

sesh

Hi, sorry for your hurt. I know what it feels like. It takes time to recover but please try to remember his cheating has nothing to do with you. It is all about him being unable to act like an adult, to take responsibility for having a family. It is not about you not being enough but about you being more than enough, and he can't handle that. You stand for normal life, responsibility, moral and decency, being an A he can't handle that. So he runs away, many of them do.
I know it hurts like hell. I know you feel betrayed, but it is helpful to try and keep a perspective: you did the best you could, what happened was out of your control. Life often does that to us, but we learn from it and than slowly we heal and move on with our life. We're never the same again, but often we end up being better.
take it slowly, one step at the time, one day at the time.
Eventually the pain will go away, and you'll reach the point when none of it will matter, as you'll know better. take my word for it.
HUGS

worriedwife2

Thanks so much everyone for your replies, it means a lot :-) I went to the attorney this morning. It went well. It'll all depend on how he wants to go about this. I'm not going to be crazy, just want out. We have nothing to gain as we have no real assets. Hopefully he won't be too bad because he is now staying with the woman.

This betrayal is very tough to deal with. The alcohol is one thing, but the woman. WoW. UGH! Oh well. Sesh, I love the way you put it that I'm am the moral one and he can't handle me!

Thanks again,
Worriedwife2

wanttobehealthy

I'm so sorry And he's an a$$ in my opinion for yelling about your checking his phone when he is CHEATING! My stbxAH did the same thing the 2 times I looked at his phone (after being told go ahead and look, there's nothing I am hiding) and when I called his bluff I found info I wished I never had. That said, now that you know you know and there's no going back. As much as it must hurt right now, you were going to find out sooner or later and now that you have, you can start the process of grieving and moving fwd for your sake and your child.

Again, I am so sorry.

worriedwife2

Thanks wanttobehealthy, he has said that before too about checking his phone. And so I did, and well now he's mad. I never checked it until I was suspicious. I am not like that, but I just had a terrible gut feeling. I just posted about the rollercoaster of emotions. It almost feels like there is a death in the family :-(

Thanks again everyone. You guys are the best!!!

tryintosmile

Hi Worried - I am (right now) and in the past have been, in the same situation you are in and it just plain makes you crazy. Don't worry about having checked his phone and don't allow him to try to turn the blame around on you for that. That's what they do - to try to make YOU feel like the guilty one, taking the onus off themselves for what THEY are doing to sabotage the relationship. We don't do this kind of stuff unless we are given reason to believe that we are being deceived and can't get to the truth any other way. You had reason, you wanted proof and you checked.

Now you have your answer - and while you wanted an answer - you didn't want THAT one, and YES - that truth hurts.

The problem with the A-cheater is that he wants both of you. He's not going to be truthful because he's got the woman who knows and puts up with him for who he is and enables him (which is important to him) AND the woman who believes he's an awesome guy. He's able to be himself to you - and be the person he wants to be 'perceived as' - with the other woman. His cake and eat it too - if you will.

From my experience, I'm going to tell you why it hurts SO much. This person who abuses you - and you take it - for all these years - doesn't think you're good enough. After ALL that! Wow! You put up with all that crap and he needs to find someone else - who (right now at least) he wouldn't DARE treat that way. How unfair is that? YEP - but remember - she doesn't know the other side of him yet, but once you're out of the picture, it will start surfacing. You see how keeping you is so important? Unless he were to work on himself and get healthy, he's not going to change overnight - just because he's found another woman. Doesn't happen.

That's the way it is for people who are emotionally unhealthy. Your sickness - like mine - is in believing that if we're there for them through the insanity, they will never find another like us. We believe that once we took on that 'doormat status' it put us into an elite group.

Unfortunately, while I can't give you advice on what to do in this situation, I will say that given your situation (good job, support system, etc.) you are in an EXCELLENT position to GET OUT! Much better than some people. If you don't want to go through 12 more years of this treatment, the sooner you get going, the sooner you can get healthy again in your life. I know it's hard - I really do. I hope you make it out and don't look back. That would really inspire me

celticgenes

Honey, let him go. Let someone else take the lies, the drinking, the abuse. Of course he gave you s**t about the phone, you caught him!!! Your daughter will thank you. My response to my Mom (when I was 10) when she told me she threw my Dad out, was "what took you so long?" And yes, see an attorney. Alcoholics are incapable of NOT lying. Stay strong!!

choublak

My dad has been cheating on my mom for the past 3-4 years. And he isn't even an alcoholic.

My mom is just now being firm about her decision that she doesn't want him back, she spent quite some time kicking him out and taking him back. It's difficult to make that final decision.