My ex is slipping
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 86
My ex is slipping
I moved to San Francisco a month ago. It was the last time I communicated with my ex in person. Shortly after I moved here the communication stopped. So I let it be.
Yesterday on Facebook she posted that she is now in a relationship with her ex again, the toxic one. She wrote that she is going to help him get sober, that together they will have an amazing life. She's still under 90 days of sobriety. I felt crushed. It was a bad sign. I muted her updates and I freaked out.
What I have come to learn is that in spite of all my pain, confusion, woe, and anger that I am on the sidelines in her life reacting to her choices and actions. Everyone gets let down when the home team messes up. She let us all down. Me, her mom, the treatment center, her counselors, and herself most importantly.
That is where my al-anon tools come in. Watching her is not participating in my own life, it is reacting. So I regretfully take a step back into my own reality. It seems very lonely at times. I like being in her corner. I like telling her that I love her, that I am here for her, that I will be here through her recovery, because its all true. It doesn't mean that she cares. She doesn't care at all.
Yesterday on Facebook she posted that she is now in a relationship with her ex again, the toxic one. She wrote that she is going to help him get sober, that together they will have an amazing life. She's still under 90 days of sobriety. I felt crushed. It was a bad sign. I muted her updates and I freaked out.
What I have come to learn is that in spite of all my pain, confusion, woe, and anger that I am on the sidelines in her life reacting to her choices and actions. Everyone gets let down when the home team messes up. She let us all down. Me, her mom, the treatment center, her counselors, and herself most importantly.
That is where my al-anon tools come in. Watching her is not participating in my own life, it is reacting. So I regretfully take a step back into my own reality. It seems very lonely at times. I like being in her corner. I like telling her that I love her, that I am here for her, that I will be here through her recovery, because its all true. It doesn't mean that she cares. She doesn't care at all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
thank you, rorty for the reminder that, so often when we want them to care, they simply don't.
i hope you can get back to participating in your life and enjoy your weekend. san francisco, huh? i bet there are TONS of neat things to do there that will lift YOU up.
i hope you can get back to participating in your life and enjoy your weekend. san francisco, huh? i bet there are TONS of neat things to do there that will lift YOU up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 86
I was just taking a personal inventory of my own feelings and thoughts.
I feel vulnerable admitting that my ex scares me right now. I'm afraid of her calling me. I feel very emasculated by her actions. I would not know how to speak to her neutrally and authentically without professing my frustration and pain. I feel like that makes me a failure as a friend and an ex-boyfriend. I love her but I am considering disappearing.
Probably the only emotion that needs explaining are the feelings emasculation. I feel like she did not choose me or her sobriety or both. How can I possibly talk to her in the wake of her actions? I feel shame.
I feel vulnerable admitting that my ex scares me right now. I'm afraid of her calling me. I feel very emasculated by her actions. I would not know how to speak to her neutrally and authentically without professing my frustration and pain. I feel like that makes me a failure as a friend and an ex-boyfriend. I love her but I am considering disappearing.
Probably the only emotion that needs explaining are the feelings emasculation. I feel like she did not choose me or her sobriety or both. How can I possibly talk to her in the wake of her actions? I feel shame.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
We have all felt like this at some time, it's not easy when you're down to think clearly and make the right decisions. You may feel like you have lost something big in your life, but one thing you must not lose is self respect.
Have a good weekend without your ex in your mind-things will begin to change when you allow them too!
Have a good weekend without your ex in your mind-things will begin to change when you allow them too!
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Sometimes it is necessary to evaluate your feelings, and it is hard to think about the disappointment that our loved ones have shown us time and time again. It saddens me to hear that she has chosen to walk such a path, blindfolded, with possibly new found codependency and the Beast teetering so close behind ready and willing to be embraced.
When you fully leave your position of sideline onlooker behind and stop watching the home team’s losing streak you will be given the opportunity to play first string in your own game of reality. You do have the right tools and the right idea to step back. That being said, it may be wise not to associate with her through any social connections. Detachment may be your only option into keeping your focus in your own game.
Hugs from me.
When you fully leave your position of sideline onlooker behind and stop watching the home team’s losing streak you will be given the opportunity to play first string in your own game of reality. You do have the right tools and the right idea to step back. That being said, it may be wise not to associate with her through any social connections. Detachment may be your only option into keeping your focus in your own game.
Hugs from me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
A couple of things to keep in mind...
1. That's a strange thing to put on a Facebook status.
2. She's struggling to stay sober herself (or so she would like people to think), so how can she possibly help someone else stay sober?
1. That's a strange thing to put on a Facebook status.
2. She's struggling to stay sober herself (or so she would like people to think), so how can she possibly help someone else stay sober?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hugs rorty,
When I added XABF to the Ignore list my life improved ! any time there was contact of any kind I ended up feeling pain, anger, impotence etc etc.
You are already healing, trust your process... no need to judge feelings ... no need to judge yourself as a failure of any kind... the one who is failing, is this woman who seems to be suffering a great deal... she is failing herself.. that is her issue and not yours
As Freedom says, other people´s actions are reflections on them.... you have nothing to do with it.
If you really want to stop suffering go No contact. Well - it worked for me-
Hugs, its a rollercoaster but you can end it anytime, yes you can.
Many active addicts slip, active addicts lie, active addicts relapse, active addicts struggle, active addicts let down others, active addicts hurt others, active addicts hurt themselves, active addicts flirt with recovery but never really recover for good. She is in her own process just as you are.... stop being surprised of her actions, you know she is not stable nor healthy right now.
I finally got tired of unmet expectations, that is no way to live, you deserve a different life rorty, and her life right now is just more of the same. She does not care about herself right now, how can she care about others? Its impossible.
When I added XABF to the Ignore list my life improved ! any time there was contact of any kind I ended up feeling pain, anger, impotence etc etc.
You are already healing, trust your process... no need to judge feelings ... no need to judge yourself as a failure of any kind... the one who is failing, is this woman who seems to be suffering a great deal... she is failing herself.. that is her issue and not yours
As Freedom says, other people´s actions are reflections on them.... you have nothing to do with it.
If you really want to stop suffering go No contact. Well - it worked for me-
Hugs, its a rollercoaster but you can end it anytime, yes you can.
Many active addicts slip, active addicts lie, active addicts relapse, active addicts struggle, active addicts let down others, active addicts hurt others, active addicts hurt themselves, active addicts flirt with recovery but never really recover for good. She is in her own process just as you are.... stop being surprised of her actions, you know she is not stable nor healthy right now.
I finally got tired of unmet expectations, that is no way to live, you deserve a different life rorty, and her life right now is just more of the same. She does not care about herself right now, how can she care about others? Its impossible.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 9
Rorty
One thought... if she ever does find recovery perhaps she will one day appreciate the strength you had to let her go.
Also the Bay area has a very strong recovery community. (D12 Alanon - San Francisco, D13 Alanon - Peninsula, and D15 - East Bay)
If you want to hit a meeting sometime, pm me. I mostly go to D13 meetings.
Also, there are a million things to do in SF to have fun, but on a weekend like this one (perfect weather) just stepping outside is a good first step.
-Brian
One thought... if she ever does find recovery perhaps she will one day appreciate the strength you had to let her go.
Also the Bay area has a very strong recovery community. (D12 Alanon - San Francisco, D13 Alanon - Peninsula, and D15 - East Bay)
If you want to hit a meeting sometime, pm me. I mostly go to D13 meetings.
Also, there are a million things to do in SF to have fun, but on a weekend like this one (perfect weather) just stepping outside is a good first step.
-Brian
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