jessiec

Update: I had broken up with my AB. He begged and pleaded and promised and I'm not quite ready to give up on him and us. The last week has been much better ... of course, I still can't completely relax, trust, etc. (and wonder if I ever will be able to). I'm strongly considering going to Al-Anon. That said, I'm feeling -- is the word resentful? Yes, resentful that I feel I need to go to a meeting because of someone else's problem (of course, I am sure I will find out there that I have all kinds of problems too!). Just wondering if anyone else ever felt that way? I'm so scheduled up with work and the last thing I want to do in my limited free time is attend any kind of meeting. Also, I'm nervous -- I have a high profile job in my community and I really hate the idea of airing my dirty laundry.

Thanks for letting me vent.

He was going to AA and stopped before he fully joined. I will definitely tell him that I am going to Al-Anon. If I'm spending time working on me/us, I think he needs to know about it. I'm doing the work -- I hope he will join me.

wellnowwhat

Yup, at first I was pretty resentful. But now I am glad. It has given me so many tools to deal with all situations in my life, not just AH.

I think I've become a better parent to my adult children. I've become a better friend. I know how to ground myself quickly when I feel the day isn't going well. I have more compassion for everyone, including me! I can let go of people and situations that aren't healthy for me, and not feel guilty about it. I don't feel the same urgency to fix everyone and everything. I can actually relax! I can feel grateful for what I have, instead of bitter for what has gone wrong. (This started as a post and it's turning into a gratitude list, and that is cheering me up!)

If you do go, do it for you, not as an example for him to follow.

Wishing you well.

p.s. You don't have to share if you don't want to. There's a lady in my group that hasn't, but she comes regularly and you can tell by looking at her she is feeling better. I didn't share for 6 months. Now I do. I find it helps. And sometimes I share to offer E, S & H to newcomers.

mindOFmensa

i understand where you're coming from. my ab is in treatment now; has been for a few weeks. i'm new to this site (just joined today), but can assure you that i've learned a lot from the little i've read. i went to my first al-anon meeting last week. it was AMAZING! everyone was so welcoming and authentically glad i was there. i'm sure you'll find a similar situation if/when you decide to go. i'm a "double winner" - a recovering addict and a codependent. if you're not comfortable going to a meeting, i'd recommend melody beattie's books - "codependent no more" is a fabulous tool to help you with what you're feeling. you don't even have to be codependent to benefit from her wisdom! i encourage you to do whatever you're comfortable with. if this (spectacular!) website is what fits your comfort level, then so be it. it's incredibly beneficial to know that you're not alone in your struggles. it's comforting to know that this is a network that will support & encourage you on whatever path you take. there's a lot of wisdom here. best wishes on your journey...

namaste

NotSoSmart

Oh boy... i was *furious* about attending Al Anon. At the time I went to my first meeting, my partner was not in any form of recovery and I was carrying the entire load for everyone, financially and otherwise. I looked at it as another way I had to take on someone else's responsibility; I gotta come here b/c you won't go there (AA).

Almost everyone I've talked to in program had felt that way walking into the rooms of Al Anon. I sat and listened and after awhile I realized that I recognized a lot of their stories in mine. I wasn't alone and there were people out there that could understand what I was dealing with. I found a meeting with some long timers and healthy folks and it was inspiring to see that people can be happy and at peace, whether they lived with an active A or not. I wanted their serenity, and I wanted it BAD.

At that point I was no longer going for "so and so" who wasn't doing her part. It wasn't so much about that other person and what she was/wasn't doing. It was about me and trying to attain that serenity I so desperately wanted.

I hope you give it a shot; try a few different meetings if you can. I'm fortunate to live in a large city with an abundance of meetings, so I followed the recommendation to try at least 6 different ones before deciding anything. It took me about 3 groups before I found my home group.

m1k3

Jessie, boy did that statement jump out at me. I can fell a lot of anger in that sentence. I was filled with anger when I found this site and started Al-Anon.

So, a couple of things. As for your boyfriend. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. He will either get better or he won't. Doesn't matter what you do because you have no control over that.

I found Al-Anon to be a great place where I could learn how to make me better. Not us, me. I got the tools and support I needed to start working my own recovery and begin to make myself sane again. Al-Anon is has a tradition of anonymity and besides his problem is his, not yours. I found that there was no reason for me to feel embarrassed or upset by my AWs behavior. I didn't need to own that.

The tools have really turned my life around and I find myself using them in many places that have nothing to do with my A. My life is simply much better because of my participation in Al-Anon.

Your friend,

LifeRecovery

I finally went to Al-anon after some extenuating circumstances beyond just alcohol use. When I decided to go I told my loved one who said something along the lines of...oh yeah go so you can see that I don't have a problem.

I knew it was for me, but I had been working my own recovery for a long time and I resented the fact that I needed an additional form of recovery for myself when he was not working any recovery. I went regularly for about 4-5 months and struggled with those feelings again.

I am so glad I went and kept going (18 mths now). I am a better person because of it and in many ways it is the whipped cream and cherry on top of my recovery (and affordable). I no longer resent the meetings, but am grateful for my loved one that got me through the door (though we are no longer together).

I hope you find yourself feeling similarly. That is how I feel about SR too!

Oh yeah I am finding Al-anon especially has helped me with more than just healing from addiction, but with life in general with detachment etc.

Cyranoak

Alanon is for you. Sharing is optional. He's on his own-- give him the dignity of being responsible for his own life.

Good luck and take care,

Cyranoak

blwninthewind

[QUOTE=Cyranoak;3141725] He's on his own-- give him the dignity of being responsible for his own life./QUOTE]

This is huge. Needed to hear it.

thank you!!

Portia123

OMG, your post jumped out at me. I spend 2 hours a week at a lunch hour Al-Anon meeting and one hour in family counseling with my RAH. This doesn't count the time spent when he slips and it's "in the house". I express my resentfulness all the time about how much time this disease chews up my life.

With this said, I'm 2 years in Al-Anon and I'll never regret going. I've learned so much about myself and about the disease. Just remember: You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it.... In Al-Anon you learn as much about the disease as you can while learning to take care of yourself such that you do not CONTRIBUTE to it.

They say try 6 meetings at least before deciding whether the program is worth it for you.

Take what you like and leave the rest........Good luck and God bless!!!

29yearsago

Jessiec...thanks for your post. It finally got me off my butt and to a Al anon meeting. I thought I was the only one who felt resentful that I had to go to meetings because he (AH) has an alcohol problem. He's been quacking all day and I was really stressing out from trying to keep detached from it all. After reading all the posts, I looked on line and found a meeting that started in 7 minutes....only 5 minutes away. I'm really glad I went. Thank you!

fourmaggie

this is what resentments are for me:

Resentment is something for myself out of my own resentance to accepting something I can NOT change....

just my 2 cents.....

lillamy

Yes. I felt that way. And then I realized, like Cyrano said, that HIS life was HIS. That I wasn't going to Al-Anon to learn how to make him stop drinking. I was going to Al-Anon to unlearn the coping behaviors I had developed while living with a person whose drinking was out of control. I went to Al-Anon to learn from other people who had managed to have a life in the midst of the chaos alcoholism is.

And all of a sudden, I wasn't going for him. I was going for me. And I've kept going for me even when AXH is no longer in my life.

Chino

I don't remember feeling resentful, but I do remember whining and feeling like I was 5 years old (if I didn't clean my room I couldn't play).

winnie1202

I. too. felt resentful when I first started going. My now RAH was still an AH pretending he was a RAH (going to an outpatient program that he wasn't taking seriously). Alanon taught me to let him be responsible for his life and when I did he finally realized that he had to get into a 28 day program. He has been home for a month and is an outpatient followup, back at work and also going to AA.

Will be stay doing the program? I hope so. I am still going to my Alanon (trying out a new one near my home tomorrow). As others have said it has helped with other aspects of my life as well.

jessiec

I really appreciate everyone taking time to answer and sharing your words of wisdom. I will be attending a meeting this week. Thanks so much!