Rocky5766

Hi everyone,

My name is Missy, a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober on and off for about a year. I had a bit of mild slip up this past summer for about a week, but I have been sober since July. I have been with my ABF for 11 years. we have had many problems and have split up twice. but ill get to that.

I'll give you a really short version of my unfortunate circumstace. I never was a drinker. I had gastric bypass in 2002. So basically- I couldnt eat large quantities of food anymore. Lost a lot of weight. went from over 300 lbs down to 150. But, this weightloss surgery didnt cure my problems so to speak. well, since i couldnt eat, i discovered drinking wine. well back then, because of the surgery, 1 glass and i was drunk! i drank for many years being a lightweight and enjoying being a social drinker. the AH as ill call him, drank daily. but i didnt mind. fast forward to 2005. i gave birth to my daughter. he didnt help at all! and in fact, it seemed that once she was born, he went into his "room" and drank alone- watched tv and let me be the caregiver. when he drinks, he drinks to get drunk. well. i started drinking more and more. i am ashamed to say so with a baby. now that i look back on it, having the baby was kind of like- the end of our closeness so to speak as all he ever did was work, come home, go right to his room, drink, get smashed, and go to bed (on the couch). no intimacy. granted- the baby did sleep in our bed for a long time, but i didnt see him fighting it or making a big deal about it. i think he didnt mind to tell you the truth.

fast forward- i continued to drink. i think the stress of a kid (she was taken care of- but once she went to bed it was like a free for all). in 2010 i lost my longtime job of 10 years. AH is drinking evey night in his room. a 12 pack plus 3-4 nips of malibu. i went nuts. i drank and enormous amount of booze and i mean hard liquor. I am suprised i didnt die of alcohol poisoning. so much so, that I am ashamed of much of what I did. driving drunk with the baby, passing out while she was awake, suicide thoughts. i lived in an almost 24/7 blackout for a few months. i received no support from him. in fact- he basically let me be. well, i was crying out for some attention, help, love, affection, anything!. once night apparently, (this is all a blackout) i cheated on him. couldnt tell you anything about it. I have no idea what I was doing those last 2 weeks before I got help!!

well- that was the beginning of the end. of course- i ruined the family. it was my fault for everything. my fault for him drinking. my fault. my fault. i am not condoning anything, but it is hard to feel badly for something that you dont know what happened! well i went to detox. i went to AA. he didnt. he drank. and drank. i was sober. I felt horrible, I felt remorse. I wanted better, I felt badly about what I did to my daughter and my family. finally after all of the fighting and him justifying how i was so much of a ***** apparently, I was sick of it, and i kicked him out.

he moved out and was gone for 3 months. well..me being a sucker..I took him back and we apparently "tried" to work things out. but nothing changed. i was unemployed. still stressed. still lonely. still being accuseed and ridiculed and called names and basically emotionally abused and whatnot. he was kind enough to not say anything in front of her...ha..but i stayed thinking, my daughter needs a dad. but he was never there.

i was sober. still. he slowly started getting worse and worse. blaming it all on me of course. graduating to going to bars which he never did before. and he started lying. he never did that before either. and staying out all night.

i go off to vacation this august for the weekend, and come back to him telling me that "its not wokring out" and that hes going to live in 'his room' which is basically in the garage. he started going out every night drunk- staying god knows where. found an unopened condom package in his car. he even brought some girl to a bar by our house and i saw the whole thing. condoms in the car (unopened)- and he tells me a bunch of bull about how he didnt do anything because they werent open yadda yadda. well. needless to say, I will not put up with that- and I kicked him out again. I think this is it. I am too beautiful of a person for this crap. And if he cannot treat me right- there will be someone out there that will.

Hes living with his friend. Its been almost a month. He has only seen his kid once. Needless to say he has been out of control. Everyday at the bar. I get his bank statements and he spends about 100 a day on booze. he was supposed to see his kid last week- but he got smashed the night before and overslept right through his visitation time. ug.

my daughter will be six in december. she is unfortunately (haha) too smart. she knows that daddy drinks. how, not sure. she knows he goes to bars. how! not sure! i dont think i say things! he doesnt seem the least bit concerned. he doesnt think he has a problem, he says he likes to drink and that he will not change even for her. that makes me so sad. he missed the first day of kindergarten. he didnt care. according to him there will be "plenty of other firsts". he doesnt see her at dance class. he doesnt go to her soccer games, all because hes too busy getting sloshed at the bar everyday. he says he loves her, but i just dont UNDERSTAND. i mean, it was ultimately my daughter that made me want to quit this crap. and it tears me u that he chooses friggin corona over her. and i dont get it. and thats ultimately why im writing today. i told you all of the other stuff just to let you know his mindframe as to the situation at hand.

please. maybe from a male (and ill take a female too) viewpoint. please tell me..is this normal alcoholic thinking? i am so crushed. i dont think i can ever forgive this behavior and quite frankly, she deserves a father who loves her more than corona. but maybe im expecting too much??

Frustriert

Alcoholic behavior is hard and ugly all around. Be a strong sober parent for your child. My son is only a little over a year old o he will hopefully never see my alcoholic behavior. Good luck, my prayers are with you.

suki44883

It's perfectly normal behavior for an alcoholic. At this point, the most important thing to him is his relationship with the booze. If you've done much reading around the Friends and Family Forums, you've seen how this is very typical behavior for an alcoholic.

What is keeping you from moving on with your life? You deserve better and your daughter certainly does. This guy can't give you anything.

CarolD

Welcome... back

I moved this over to the Friends & Family of Alcoholics Forum
Please take the time to read the sticky posts here.

Rocky5766

@suki I ask myself that more each day. I have/had classic codependent symptoms. We own a house together. 10 years together...or as he now would say 'i wasted 10 years of my life' jerk. you know the classic excuse...."but he really is a nic person when he doesnt drink"....crap. but its really true. but id die if i hold my breath any longer.

Rocky5766

oh thanks carol. I wasnt sure where to post that. since I myself am also a recovering alcoholic. confusing. thanks

suki44883

Find yourself an al-anon meeting and learn how to detach from his nonsense. At this point, he doesn't care about his daughter or you. He's off living with his new friend and drinking and he's perfectly fine with that. Quit waiting for him to become a responsible father. He isn't capable of that. Do whatever it takes to make a good life for yourself and your daughter.

marie1960

Rocky, i agree with Suki 100%. Your ABF has no desire or intention of being a father to your daughter. And no, you are not expecting to much. But I believe you chose a partner who is unavailable to be in any relationship at this point of his life.

It's time to make some healthy choices for you and your little girl. While it may seem overwhelming at first, you don't have to decide the rest of your life today.

You are looking for stability for your family, sorry to say this guy will not be able to provide that. Look to yourself, to give you and your daughter a good life. You both deserve more than he can offer.

Keep posting you are not alone. Sending you warm thoughts.

StarCat

You're more than welcome over here, you're what we call a "double winner," and many times the perspectives we receive from the "double winners" on this forum help so much.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Unfortunately, his reactions are pretty typical for an active alcoholic. Alcohol is the most important thing, and everything else can try and squeeze into whatever's left, which usually isn't much.


Congratulations on your own sobriety! Your daughter is lucky to have you in her life, one stable parent can make all the difference. As is said so often on this forum, it is far better to come from a broken home than to live in one.


I'm glad you found us.

Willybluedog

Hi Missy, so glad you are here, so sorry for all that you are going through.

As said above this is typical Alcoholic behavior, please take care of yourself and try to shield your little girl from as much of the bad as possible.

You need to get to an attorney and get custody and child support arranged asap, no reason for the two of you to do without when he is blowing paychecks on booze.

Please come back often and let us know how you are doing.

Bill

blwninthewind

Unfortunately this is typical from what I hear.

But you cannot cover for him.
She's going to ask ...why didn't daddy come see me...and your going to have to say...your going to have to ask him. You are only as sick as your secrets and you can't raise a little codie by protecting and hiding the truth from her as ugly as it is.

I don't mean spill all the details...I do mean don't lie...but don't bring it up either. You need to talk to a therapist about what is best for her ...I'm not an expert, thats just my opinion.

searchbug

I just want to give you a welcome too. And sincere good wishes for your continued recovery.
It's interesting to read from the point of someone who is in recovery themselves, and how that affects your capacity to see what might be going on, in his head.
I am sure that you do...but continue to count your daughter as the blessing she is. Knowing what YOU WANT for her, has to be such a huge motivation.
Daddy has to choose to figure this out for himself. The sad part is how many of them, NEVER make that choice.

bluebelle

You can't control his behavior. Right now, it looks like he is choosing to not take care of the needs for his child or for you. It sounds like you are not getting anything positive out of this relationship. I think the most important thing is your sobriety and you being there for your child. Have you been to counseling? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I have found that counseling is really helpful in helping me sort things out and in processing my feelings. The only thing you have control over is taking care of yourself and providing a stable environment for your child. Yes, it is good for a child to have a father, but it is better that the child is in a safe and secure environment. Do you have support from somebody else who can help you watch the child? Who took care of your child when you were having blackouts and the father was drinking?

garfiild

FWIW, I was in a similar position when my son was very young. As others here have said, you cannot make him be the father your child deserves. Trying to force it will just cause pain to both you and your child, because instead of "just" being ignored you (and child) will be actively rejected - over and over. Why put yourself or her through that?

Your child will learn what she sees. Teach her / show her how to be happy and independent, how to value herself and tend to her own needs. Teach her how to ask for help when she needs help, how to admit when she is wrong, and how to stand up for herself and demand respect in an acceptable way. If you have to, fake it until you feel it.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, especially these days. Teach her that her family - even if its just the two of you - is just as good as any other and better than many.

Rocky5766

Thnk you all. What a difference a day makes. I have uncovered more of his lies. I'll spare you the details. Lets just say...his denials...and excuses...are almost comical in a very sad way. "I didn;t rent that motel room! Someone must have stolen my debit card!"...right. I cannot do this anymore. I am sad, but can no longer deal with him. I think he has reached the level of psychosis. I think he believes the lies. And I can;t put my daughter through this. She can;t see me sad. she needs me to be strong. I've said all i can say to him..and im going to come here when I feel like quacking to him. I'm going to let him sit in silence from me. I am not going to give him fuel and excuses to blame me. thank you everyone for your support.

I also, sad to say, should know better, as my father was an alcoholic. so it seems I'm a triple winner. haha. But I'm glad that I am welcome in this forum as well.

GatorGirl99

Hi Missy,

I like your title - it is so appropriate. My daughter was about six when she realized her daddy was drinking. The term she called it was "un-serious". When I realized that my little girl had been forced to come up with her own term for basically "drunk" I knew it was time to leave, and I haven't regretted it since.

My daughter is now a happy and healthy 13 year old girl. Her father has been in and out of rehab, we don't really know how often. She loves her father and I encourage that love, but for her healthy upbringing, I could not allow him to be part of her every day life. The day-to-day upheaval (is daddy drunk today, is he in jail today....) is just not part of our world anymore, though we do love and care about him.

To relate this more to your story - both my husband and I had gastric bypass surgery in 2000/2001. Neither of us had any addiction or mental health issues prior to the surgery. We were both very successful professionals (engineer-myself and construction project manager-husband). Two years after the surgery the husband had become a complete alcoholic and I had become a complete wreck - taking any pill that would come my way. This didn't happen by accident though. I did go to the doctor - I didn't self-medicate. I felt funny (anxious, jittery, "wrong"). I told the doctor I'd had gastric bypass and asked if this could be related. He said Yes - and that I'd probably self-medicated with food and he'd prefer if I'd medicate with Effexor and Xanax. Are you kidding me? I refused to be a pill-popper - I knew something related to the surgery was driving this and it wasn't my "loss of my friend in food". Through research and trial and error I found out I should have been re-nourishing my body with things like vitamins, minerals, amino acids, proteins (things like magnesium .... that's what was causing the anxiousness and jitters....)

I believe that what is driving these addictions is the fact that the gastric bypass surgery is causing long-term nutrient deficiency. This long-term nutrient deficiency is causing a whole host of problems that leads people into thinking they need anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, alcohol, pain meds, etc. when what their bodies are really screaming for are the nutrients they can no longer absorb because their duodenum and jejunum have been bypassed.

I get emails almost on a daily basis. They have so many things in common, it often startles me. For the most part, they never had any mental health/addiction problems prior to gastric bypass surgery (and no I do not count being overweight as a food addiction problem contrary to the establishment - I think it's more of a lack in food quality problem). The majority of the patients with problems had the Roux-en-Y procedure (versus Lap-Band or Sleeve Gastrectomy). The onset of problems didn't happen right away. If one is truly mourning the loss of food as the coping mechanism, one would expect the "transfer" to the new substance to occur sooner rather than later. But most of the people tell me that the onset is between 14-20 months after the surgery. In fact I can't think of anyone who told me that it happened right away. And many times when people email that they have an addiction they also tell me they have anemia, or they chew ice constantly (a sign or anemia).

I now take a daily regimen of vitamins and self-inject B-12 weekly (methylcobalamin - most doctors use cyanocobalamin-not as absorbable) (much more than the daily multi-vitamin, calcium citrate and periodic B-12) that is the typical post-surgical RNY gastric bypass prescription. I also get weekly to bi-weekly Intravenous Micronutrient treatments (aka Myer's cocktail) as a backup just to make sure I never allow my body to become that vulnerable again.

Things are good, life is good and I know they can be for you and your little girl. Your are absolutely right. You both deserve better. This is not normal - and I'm pretty sure you know it's not. You are where I was 7 years ago. I won't lie to you. It's not easy. Raising a child on your own is never easy - but easier than raising a child and caring for an adult alcoholic. You will also need the time and space to take care of yourself to heal both inside and out.

If you ever have any questions let me know. Best wishes to your and your daughter.

Lisa

MTSlideAddict

Welcome.

His behavior is that of a typical alcoholic. Continue to be strong for you and your daughter. I encourage you to share whenever you would like; we are here for you.

Bernadette

my daughter will be six in december. she is unfortunately (haha) too smart. she knows that daddy drinks. how, not sure. she knows he goes to bars. how! not sure! i dont think i say things!

I knew too and have memories as early as 1st grade of my father's alcoholism and of what "drunk" was, what it smelled like, what effect it had on my mother, and my siblings etc. My dad could be out getting drunk with friends and I was at home and I knew!! Same way I know as an adult when one of my bros is active in their addiction again: I just have that gut feeling.

Young kids are actually way more tuned in than alkie/codie parents think!

Be honest with her - don't bad mouth him - just the facts - and blessings on YOUR sobriety, that is the most awesome good news for your daughter!!

Peace,
B