Why am i still here???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
Why am i still here???
I ask myself, why I am drawn back to this site.
I constantly read stories from those who are in the mess, far deeper than I am. He isn't my husband. We didn't live together. He isn't my child. All it takes for me to walk away, is to say "it's over, and I'm lucky I got out when I did".
Much of me remains in a level of pure disbelief, at the way things were handled (and are being handled). For varying reasons, I've been slammed the last few years by allowing myself to invest trust in someone, and it blowing up in my face. Not all by husband/romantic relationships, and not all around alcohol. I sense myself becoming bitter, and stuck. I DON'T WANT THAT, but can't grab onto the means of stopping it.
I see DRAMA everywhere I look, and DON'T WANT to get trapped in it. In the last few months, I came to realize that xabf was complaining about the constant chaos, at the same time as it almost appeared to me that he was almost LOOKING for it. It seemed that drama itself was becoming a drug to him and an addiction. There were many times that xabf claimed that I was his "safe" place, to get away from all of it...at the same time as he resented me, if I tried to point out that much of it was because he chose to involve himself. Obviously, I am being a bit of a hypocrite on that, because I have not detached myself completely from my own emotional hanging on.
I am desperate for clarification and understanding of the lies, manipulation, being played/used, etc. The thread about what do they do to the next girl, is especially gut wrenching. I know the next "target" and she does not deserve being lied to.
Intellectually, I DO GET IT. Emotionally, is SO another story.
And I keep asking myself, if I am not keeping myself in it, simply by being here. God, I am a mess.
I constantly read stories from those who are in the mess, far deeper than I am. He isn't my husband. We didn't live together. He isn't my child. All it takes for me to walk away, is to say "it's over, and I'm lucky I got out when I did".
Much of me remains in a level of pure disbelief, at the way things were handled (and are being handled). For varying reasons, I've been slammed the last few years by allowing myself to invest trust in someone, and it blowing up in my face. Not all by husband/romantic relationships, and not all around alcohol. I sense myself becoming bitter, and stuck. I DON'T WANT THAT, but can't grab onto the means of stopping it.
I see DRAMA everywhere I look, and DON'T WANT to get trapped in it. In the last few months, I came to realize that xabf was complaining about the constant chaos, at the same time as it almost appeared to me that he was almost LOOKING for it. It seemed that drama itself was becoming a drug to him and an addiction. There were many times that xabf claimed that I was his "safe" place, to get away from all of it...at the same time as he resented me, if I tried to point out that much of it was because he chose to involve himself. Obviously, I am being a bit of a hypocrite on that, because I have not detached myself completely from my own emotional hanging on.
I am desperate for clarification and understanding of the lies, manipulation, being played/used, etc. The thread about what do they do to the next girl, is especially gut wrenching. I know the next "target" and she does not deserve being lied to.
Intellectually, I DO GET IT. Emotionally, is SO another story.
And I keep asking myself, if I am not keeping myself in it, simply by being here. God, I am a mess.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I am still here because there were things about my belief system and thought patterns, experiences and behaviours that led to me staying in a relationship with an alcoholic waaaayyyyyyy past the point when it would have been best to step away.
Coming to this board doesn't mire me further in the drama of that, it grounds me, helps me develop the tools to explore the reasons why I did it, so that I am much less likely to do it again. There have been times when I can't read the "newbie" threads, I became wound up on their behalf, or overcome by the pain and drama, or deafened by having heard similar stories so many times before that I overlooked the real pain and experience of the individual, and could only see the repetition of the pattern on a board-wide scale and responded in a judgemental way. Soemtimes I need to step away for a bit and use other resources.
But reading and sometimes writing here mostly helps me. At least some of my issues predate me meeting my AXH (otherwise I would never have got together with him)
Coming to this board doesn't mire me further in the drama of that, it grounds me, helps me develop the tools to explore the reasons why I did it, so that I am much less likely to do it again. There have been times when I can't read the "newbie" threads, I became wound up on their behalf, or overcome by the pain and drama, or deafened by having heard similar stories so many times before that I overlooked the real pain and experience of the individual, and could only see the repetition of the pattern on a board-wide scale and responded in a judgemental way. Soemtimes I need to step away for a bit and use other resources.
But reading and sometimes writing here mostly helps me. At least some of my issues predate me meeting my AXH (otherwise I would never have got together with him)
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
Sometimes I'm here to so I don't forget.
Sometimes I'm here to support those who are going through it.
Sometimes I'm here to find insight, support and new perspective.
The alcohol is gone but I'm still here.
Sometimes I'm here to support those who are going through it.
Sometimes I'm here to find insight, support and new perspective.
The alcohol is gone but I'm still here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
You are not a mess! SR is full of support. I also am not married to my A nor do I live with him. I originally came here to understand how to relate to him when he came out of rehab and returned to work and my daily life. He's no longer going to be a part of my daily life, as it turns out, but I find myself still coming here to keep learning and understanding why I was so affected by his alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by searchbug 
What I see, at 2-3 in the morning, unable to sleep or turn off the thoughts, is another story.
You will get there too eventually. I promise!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I have definitely been there. Through the principles of Alanon and connecting with others in recovery from codependency, I have learned to quiet those thoughts and actually sleep!
You will get there too eventually. I promise!
You will get there too eventually. I promise!
As one of the old timers said at a recent al-anon meeting, I will keep coming as long as I fell better walking out than I did walking in.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You are here for you. And that's the right reason. Stay as long as you want, and keep asking good questions just like this one. It'll help you as you continue through life, and may help inform how and why you choose the people you choose to be in your life.
You take care,
Cyranoak
You take care,
Cyranoak
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
i dont think i will ever leave this place too...and of course AL ANON...its my life...its my sanity place and its MINE....
welcome back...as always...
always welcome with the valleys and the lows....
welcome back...as always...
always welcome with the valleys and the lows....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
