tryingtohelp2... What to do...or not do?

Old 09-25-2011, 08:51 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: wildwood NJ
Posts: 17
Question tryingtohelp2... What to do...or not do?





Hi...I have been reading a lot of posts here..and I definately think I am in the right place


I have a dear long time friend who I have become very close to...at times maybe too close. In had tried desperately to get him into rehab for well over a year. In the last few months, I had watched him spiral downward fast! He had isolated himself from everyone EXCEPT me and wanted me with him 24 7. In the last few weeks he claimed to be in love with me....I quickly told him he was confused..but he insisted he was not. He called me to take him to the hospital and I held his hand as he was admitted and went through medical detox. He then went away to an inpatient facility and came out determined to stay sober and regain his life. The first few weeks of his recovery went great. We talked and had fun together quite a bit. I told him how proud I was of him and he told me he was grateful to me for saving his life. Recently, things have changed. He barely talks to me anymore and is kind of distant when we are together. He had an intense 3 week relationship with a girl he met in rehab and know is having another with a girl he has yet to meet in person. I want him to be happy with whomever he chooses. I love him unconditionally and his sobriety and happiness are what I pray for. I am just having a bit of a problem seeing where I fit in now. He used to spend hours curled up in my arms crying hysterically ( He suffers from depression also ). These days he won't share anything. How do I adjust to this new phase in our friendship? I am thrilled he is no longer that helpless, but kind of feel shut out at times. Is this a normal phase of recovery? or his way of realizing he only wanted me around when he was drunk and desperate? I want to be a good friend to him and will do anything to support his recovery. I just don't know what to say or do...or what not to say or not to do anymore
tryingtohelp2 is offline  
Old 09-25-2011, 09:08 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
No..you are not alone at all on this. I am also pretty new here. I met someone earlier this year, and we seemed to hit things off faster than people would consider wise. Honestly, I was vulnerable..and even though I frequently told him that HIS feelings were rushing things, he insisted how much I meant to him, etc etc. I finally chose to trust in what he was saying..ok, I WANTED TO believe it.
I knew he "drank". It didn't take long to find out how much. At first, he insisted he wanted to slow down..for me..he DIDN'T WANT to blow this chance. The first fight was (of course) when he was drunk..and the next one..and it soon became clear that his resentment was stronger than any intent to keep the drinking under control.
I was blindsided by the next time, when it went from caring to hostility in the blink of an eye. I guess it became a mix of denial, buried guilt (if he could recognize that?) and figuring out that I REALLY didn't want the drinking, and the resulting conflict.
And, you guessed it, he has moved on. The last time I was at his place..he spent 5 minutes trying to convince me about how he hoped we could start over..then 20 minutes, gushing about how comfortable he is with the woman across the hall.
I gave up being "jealous" in my 20s. What aggravates me is the hypocrisy and dishonesty. And HOW FAST his undying love turned to maybe a sense of obligation, but he really wants to be with someone who (apparently) is willing to enable him, and not be concerned with his drinking.
He just turned 63..and has been drinking his entire adult life. If I tried to figure it out, it seems pretty clear that the brain function as to what a normal relationship is, has been damaged, long before I met him.
Yes, it hurts. I am far from being strong enough to tell you that it doesn't.
searchbug is offline  
Old 09-26-2011, 09:26 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
In a nutshell? Alanon. Alanon saved my life. Please consider checking into Alanon meetings in your area.

Get your hands on the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Amazon sells used copies pretty darned cheap.

Another book you might benefit from is "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be supportive, that is, if you are taking care of you first and foremost.

Welcome to SR and I hope you continue to post!
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 09-26-2011, 09:39 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
So you are wondering where you fit in? Let's see, he just got out of rehab, met a girl there, has another one waiting in the wings, and he's an alkie who suffers from depresion.

This guy is emotional unavailable on any level. He should be working HIS recovery, you cannot do this for him. We can only support recovery if they are actively trying to recover.

I commend you for being a good friend, but he is not in any condition to reciprocate that friendship. Perhaps now is a good time to take a step back and get on with your life.

Wishing you the best......
marie1960 is offline  
Old 09-26-2011, 10:43 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Welcome to SR! You are definitely in the right place to find support! The RA in my life is a long-time friend and coworker and I came here when he melted down and entered rehab. At the time I expected him to return to work and I did not know how I might fit into his recovery, so it was important to me to learn how to support him and to sort out how I felt about the whole situation and our friendship, as well. We had always talked and shared much, but he stopped communicating with me for quite a while during his very early days before and after outpatient rehab, and it was confusing to me because I took it personally.

I learned that early recovery is not an easy time and A's do need to focus on themselves first, and not to have any expectations from him. He eventually did reconnect with me when he was ready to do so. As it turns out, he's no longer going to be my coworker, so my role in his life is changing. I do suspect that because we no longer have daily contact, we are going to drift apart, but I think we will maintain a friendship on some level, but it's definitely not going to be the same. I will continue to support him and be his friend, but I also have accepted that our relationship has changed as a consequence of his alcoholic behavior, which cost him his very good, long-time job, and which has nothing to do with me.

I agree that it's confusing and hurtful to feel shut out, especially given the circumstances you posted about. You can offer him your support and let him know you are there for him, but there's not much else to do now except see where his recovery takes him and focus on yourself in the meantime. Please continue reading here at SR; in addition to these threads, I also found that reading the Newcomers to Recovery threads was very helpful. Sending you strength!
bonami is offline  
Old 09-26-2011, 12:48 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Willybluedog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Dear Tryingtohelp,

I am so sorry for all that you are going through, I wish I had so advice on how to handle the situation but I don't.

Please take care of yourself mentally and physically, and come back often.

Peace be with you,
Willybluedog is offline  
Old 09-26-2011, 01:20 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
m1k3's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I am going to echo what Freedom said. Al-anon has been a life saver for me as well. I have gotten the tools and support that allowed me to move from a very dark place in my life to where I am now. That is I am happy and centered and comfortable with letting my wife work her own recovery. I understand that I can't help her with this. It is her journey to make on her own.

Your friend,
m1k3 is offline  
Old 09-27-2011, 07:19 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: wildwood NJ
Posts: 17
Wow!! Thank you for the replies, advice, and support..I clearly see I am NOT alone! I decided to take some of the advice and back away a bit. I did not contact him for 3 days at all. He message chatted with me on FB and I gave him short non probing answers. He called yesterday...I did not answer and did not call back. He called today and I answered...when he asked if I was ok...it wasn't like me not to call or answer...I said I was fine and was giving him the space he needed to deal with his "crap" on his own. We ended up talking for over an hour ( something that has not happened since rehab ) and I hung up feeling like we had both expressed our fears and concerns and genuinely understood one another's feelings.

By backing off and not hovering, he came to me and some meaningful questions were answered. By no means do I think that everything is perfect...and I know he will have his good days and bad days....but I know I am neither responsible nor accountable for his choices. I can offer my support but he has to do the hard work himself. Expressing myself felt good and I think I understand where he is a bit better. I am thinking of going to alanon to help me with perspective. I still take his words and actions too personal at times, so I am hoping understanding what he is going through will help with that as well.

Thank you to all for the kind words of encouragement.....please keep them coming
tryingtohelp2 is offline  
Old 09-28-2011, 08:38 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Glad you heard from him and were able to express your feelings. I think sometimes just not being able to communicate how you feel is the hardest part, so it helps when you get the chance to do that. At least I know it helps me. Keep working on trying not to take all of his behaviors personally; that helps, too.
bonami is offline  
Old 10-15-2011, 02:40 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: wildwood NJ
Posts: 17
Update.......My friend was doing SO well...He was sober for 48 days...and came down to visit me quite a bit.....brought his small kids .....had some great weekends...then...Kaboom! I dropped him off on a Monday...3 hours later he wash plastered..lasted through thursday...went through detox on friday...and wants to come down and stay for a week on monday. I am scared! He has never drank here....with or without his kids....he says he is at peace here and that is what he needs....I don't know how to hide my sadness over his relapse....I do believe in him and intellectually know this is part of the process....but it hurts to watch the train wreck!
tryingtohelp2 is offline  
Old 10-15-2011, 06:32 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Sounds like your "picker" might be broke. He does not sound much like a prize to me. My picker is broke. My Dad was real dysfuntional so those are the kind I take hostage so I can fix- to somehow fix my past. It never worked.
Carol Star is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:30 PM.