What do we do AFTER treatment?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 12
What do we do AFTER treatment?
I am still with my ABF - he has been in treatment for a month - he will be there another 11 months - it is a faith-based recovery program. I only get to see him about once a month. He is already growing and learning so much...but what do we do in 11 months when he is out? I want to continue counseling together...he wants to start over somewhere new...and away from the influence friends had on him...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Do you need to decide the fate of your relationship by 8 p.m. tonight?
Based on my personal experience with recovery, I would not commit to anything said this early in recovery. In my recovery, the alcoholic fog was clouding my thoughts for about 30-60 days.
Then there was the period of adjustment as I began to feel my feelings instead of drowning them.
Then there was the period of adjustment as I learned to respond instead of react to situations.
I think one of the best alanon slogans for my impatience is this:
Be Patient, More will be Revealed.
Based on my personal experience with recovery, I would not commit to anything said this early in recovery. In my recovery, the alcoholic fog was clouding my thoughts for about 30-60 days.
Then there was the period of adjustment as I began to feel my feelings instead of drowning them.
Then there was the period of adjustment as I learned to respond instead of react to situations.
I think one of the best alanon slogans for my impatience is this:
Be Patient, More will be Revealed.
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
When my wife was in treatment I took the time to get my own affairs in order. I found I had a whole lot of growing to do and her absence presented an opportunity to make some headway unchallenged. The reunion certainly was most challenging but it would have been disastrous if I had not done the work beforehand.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
When I have one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, I'm in perfect position to p*ss all over today.
He's got 11 months to go, almost a whole year.
This much I can tell you. If you do not seek a program of recovery for yourself like Alanon, the relationship will be doomed.
He's going to learn a whole lot about himself if he stays the course.
Now's the time for you to start your journey of 'self.'
Alanon has been a lifesaver for me in all areas of my life.
Get back in today. Seek recovery.
Just my two cents.
He's got 11 months to go, almost a whole year.
This much I can tell you. If you do not seek a program of recovery for yourself like Alanon, the relationship will be doomed.
He's going to learn a whole lot about himself if he stays the course.
Now's the time for you to start your journey of 'self.'
Alanon has been a lifesaver for me in all areas of my life.
Get back in today. Seek recovery.
Just my two cents.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I agree, al-anon is a life saver. My AW is currently working recovery again, third or fourth time. She is still very early stage and based on past efforts I am not going to get my hopes up. I am not giving up either. Since we are separated I have the space to work on me, she has the space to work on her. It will go where ever it goes. I am willing to be patient and let things happen. She did not get serious about getting better until I had been gone for several months and our daughters would not let her see our grand children until she shows improvement.
Whatever happens will be ok because of al-anon and this site. I am in a much better place than I was 5 months ago and I know I will be even better when I think it's time to look at where our relationship is going. Either way its a win for me.
Your friend,
Whatever happens will be ok because of al-anon and this site. I am in a much better place than I was 5 months ago and I know I will be even better when I think it's time to look at where our relationship is going. Either way its a win for me.
Your friend,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I wouldn't worry about him and his recovery for the next 11 months, I would work on me, my issues.
Are you going to Alanon? Have you read Codependent No More? I'd suggest that you do both.
Don't plan your life around him, focus on you. This will be a lifelong battle for him, relapse is common place, you cannot project or worry about what will happen in the future.
Are you going to Alanon? Have you read Codependent No More? I'd suggest that you do both.
Don't plan your life around him, focus on you. This will be a lifelong battle for him, relapse is common place, you cannot project or worry about what will happen in the future.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
thegf, I am not saying this to be cruel.........
1. There is no guarantee that this rehab is going to be his salvation. He says he wants to move when he get out, to start over.......... but........ Where ever you go, there YOU are. That addiction is mobile too.
2. He is 22, so I am guessing you are around the same age. You are under no obligation to sit on the porch and wait for him for the next 11 months. If you were my daughter I would strongly suggest for you to move on. You are allowing his addiction to control your life. That is unacceptable. Take this time to explore, live YOUR life. You have so many options, please do not allow yourself to live in the shadows of this disease.
3. There is always the chance he is going to meet someone in rehab. I have read countless testimonials of this right here on SR.
4. In eleven months when he gets out of rehab, there is a real good chance, he will have become a stranger to you. He will not be the same guy you fell in love with. In reading these boards I have learned they come out of rehab frustrated, short tempered, no zest for life, etc........
5. Try to live in your "today"......... You are putting the cart before the horse, and if you are not careful You are going to end up getting really hurt. If I remember correctly, you guys have not been a couple for that long. Why invest so much into a new relationship????
6. Spend more time with friends and family. Go out with your friends, take your life back, I do not think this is a " And they lived happily ever after" story.
1. There is no guarantee that this rehab is going to be his salvation. He says he wants to move when he get out, to start over.......... but........ Where ever you go, there YOU are. That addiction is mobile too.
2. He is 22, so I am guessing you are around the same age. You are under no obligation to sit on the porch and wait for him for the next 11 months. If you were my daughter I would strongly suggest for you to move on. You are allowing his addiction to control your life. That is unacceptable. Take this time to explore, live YOUR life. You have so many options, please do not allow yourself to live in the shadows of this disease.
3. There is always the chance he is going to meet someone in rehab. I have read countless testimonials of this right here on SR.
4. In eleven months when he gets out of rehab, there is a real good chance, he will have become a stranger to you. He will not be the same guy you fell in love with. In reading these boards I have learned they come out of rehab frustrated, short tempered, no zest for life, etc........
5. Try to live in your "today"......... You are putting the cart before the horse, and if you are not careful You are going to end up getting really hurt. If I remember correctly, you guys have not been a couple for that long. Why invest so much into a new relationship????
6. Spend more time with friends and family. Go out with your friends, take your life back, I do not think this is a " And they lived happily ever after" story.
Gone In
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by marie1960 
...they come out of rehab frustrated, short tempered, no zest for life, etc...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 12
Oh when I ask this I'm not expecting a proposal out of rehab! I'm a few years older than him, a professional educator, I just like to be prepared-kind of just wondering what the possibilities are! I am reading my alanon books, I'm going out with friends (moving in with my best friend this weekend!), live in the same town as my family so I see them more than I care too (ha), and he is at an all male center so hopefully he doesn't find someone (again, Ha), or I don't know why he was barkin up my tree 
I've been trying to relocate for 5 years so I'm on the same page as him (moving-wise). We speak nightly, so we are keeping in touch. But I don't feel my life has changed any other way. Still working like crazy and socializing when my jobs allow!
I've been trying to relocate for 5 years so I'm on the same page as him (moving-wise). We speak nightly, so we are keeping in touch. But I don't feel my life has changed any other way. Still working like crazy and socializing when my jobs allow!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I agree with the others. I also want to add that deciding that getting back together with him after may not be best for you ...doesn't make you a bad person.
You get a say in this. You can decide that you don't want this kind of life. I'm not trying to tell you what to do...ok yes I am. I'm telling you that you need Alnon. The fact you mentioned your a few yrs older...he's pretty young himself...and your standing by him through this does say something.
It tells me, (I could be wrong but I'm just an outsideer looking in) that you have some need to be known as a 'good gf' and that you may just have a need to save him from himself.
I can tell you that although I ultimately ended up married to an alcoholic (was raised by one too) that I walked away from FOUR different men who I had what could have been seen as serious relationships due to their use of drugs/alcohol. I didn't want to go through what I was going through daily for the rest of my life. I made that choice.
I don't regret it for a minute.
I think....and again...just an opinion....Alnon and maybe a counselor (faith based or otherwise) can help you work out what YOU want and where you need to be.
Age, financial status, education....none of it matters when your a codie. We come in all shapes and sizes so to speak.
I'm not so worries about him as I am you.
My goal here is to help someone else and i hope that our stories will cause someone who is contemplating their relationship to make informed decisions and positive steps to have a good and healthy life.
Please...keep reading....and try to picture yourself in some of these scenerios...sometimes that can be eye opening and help give you the motivation to seek additional help and maybe veer your life in a new direction. Good luck to you!!
You get a say in this. You can decide that you don't want this kind of life. I'm not trying to tell you what to do...ok yes I am. I'm telling you that you need Alnon. The fact you mentioned your a few yrs older...he's pretty young himself...and your standing by him through this does say something.
It tells me, (I could be wrong but I'm just an outsideer looking in) that you have some need to be known as a 'good gf' and that you may just have a need to save him from himself.
I can tell you that although I ultimately ended up married to an alcoholic (was raised by one too) that I walked away from FOUR different men who I had what could have been seen as serious relationships due to their use of drugs/alcohol. I didn't want to go through what I was going through daily for the rest of my life. I made that choice.
I don't regret it for a minute.
I think....and again...just an opinion....Alnon and maybe a counselor (faith based or otherwise) can help you work out what YOU want and where you need to be.
Age, financial status, education....none of it matters when your a codie. We come in all shapes and sizes so to speak.
I'm not so worries about him as I am you.
My goal here is to help someone else and i hope that our stories will cause someone who is contemplating their relationship to make informed decisions and positive steps to have a good and healthy life.
Please...keep reading....and try to picture yourself in some of these scenerios...sometimes that can be eye opening and help give you the motivation to seek additional help and maybe veer your life in a new direction. Good luck to you!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
YOU WROTE: a professional educator, I just like to be prepared-kind of just wondering what the possibilities are! I am reading my alanon books.
I WROTE:
Educate yourself on Alcoholism.
Go to Alanon Classes.
Read our stories
He is no different..He is an alcoholic
Run like hello.
I WROTE:
Educate yourself on Alcoholism.
Go to Alanon Classes.
Read our stories
He is no different..He is an alcoholic
Run like hello.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I'm wondering if.... he is breaking rules by calling and being in a relationship? My friend was in a year long faith-based male program. Contacting women, having relationships was verbotten (although he told me many did). Different places may have different rules though. He stayed in touch for 4 months then that was that, it was time to buckle down and take his program seriously; meaning, so long babyblue.
11 months is a long time. It isn't summer camp. He is going to grow and change and the most loving thing you can do is give him his room to do this. I dunno, something about your post troubled me in that he still has a dependence on you when he is there to learn to do things on his own and love himself.
He didn't get to a year program unless he had some major substance/alcohol issues and has to rebuild his life... rebuild it from the ground up so be prepared if he pulls away for a while. Or rather, he should pull away to do his work if the two of you are going to have any chance of succeeding.
My friend is just about done with his program, slooooowwwly emerging, but still not able to be in a relationship. Which serves him well since I love him enough to let him go and focus on his sobriety, not on me. Don't know what the future holds but it took me months of soul searching to be able to let go with love. Something to think about....
11 months is a long time. It isn't summer camp. He is going to grow and change and the most loving thing you can do is give him his room to do this. I dunno, something about your post troubled me in that he still has a dependence on you when he is there to learn to do things on his own and love himself.
He didn't get to a year program unless he had some major substance/alcohol issues and has to rebuild his life... rebuild it from the ground up so be prepared if he pulls away for a while. Or rather, he should pull away to do his work if the two of you are going to have any chance of succeeding.
My friend is just about done with his program, slooooowwwly emerging, but still not able to be in a relationship. Which serves him well since I love him enough to let him go and focus on his sobriety, not on me. Don't know what the future holds but it took me months of soul searching to be able to let go with love. Something to think about....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
He is in a great place. How fortunate to be in a year-long program of recovery & healing! What a wonderful opportunity for you to take care of you while he is taking care of him! Take it one moment, one breath, one day at a time. . .
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