Thinking about leaving the love of my life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 3
Thinking about leaving the love of my life
Just a little background - My wife and I have been married for 7 years and she is the love of my life. She is the most kind, considerate and loving person I have ever known...when she is sober. When she drinks she is a completely different person.
She has always drank but I wouldnt say to excess until a few years ago and she has progressed to the point that she binge drinks, straight Vodka and a lot of it. She has reached a point that she is either drunk or sick from it.
I have tried everything to get her to stop, you name it, I've done it and I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do or say, she continues to drink.
Thank God we dont have children in this situation. I feel a lot of things including, sad, angry, alone. I see no change in sight. She will not admit that she has a problem.
I have decided that I will not live the rest of my life like this or watch her end hers this way because I'm sure she will die of alcoholism with the amount she drinks. She wont even listen to reason when I point out to her that she has had two friends die from alcoholism and they didnt drink near the amount that she does.
I'm tired of banging my head against the wall. The problem is, she has no income or a way to support herself, I cannot support two households and I have a hard time putting her in the street. I do still love her, I always will. This is like a death to me.
I'm sure others are in the same situation as me. Any advice?
She has always drank but I wouldnt say to excess until a few years ago and she has progressed to the point that she binge drinks, straight Vodka and a lot of it. She has reached a point that she is either drunk or sick from it.
I have tried everything to get her to stop, you name it, I've done it and I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do or say, she continues to drink.
Thank God we dont have children in this situation. I feel a lot of things including, sad, angry, alone. I see no change in sight. She will not admit that she has a problem.
I have decided that I will not live the rest of my life like this or watch her end hers this way because I'm sure she will die of alcoholism with the amount she drinks. She wont even listen to reason when I point out to her that she has had two friends die from alcoholism and they didnt drink near the amount that she does.
I'm tired of banging my head against the wall. The problem is, she has no income or a way to support herself, I cannot support two households and I have a hard time putting her in the street. I do still love her, I always will. This is like a death to me.
I'm sure others are in the same situation as me. Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi bem and WELCOME to SR. I'm glad you found this place; there's a lot of support and good humour to be had here.
Have you considered going to Al-Anon in order to get some face to face support? Sadly, a lot of people have been where you are now, and it may help you to hear their stories, and possibly share yours.
As for your wife, let me post for you the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it
It's so hard when you love someone to just detach emotionally, but there truly is nothing you can do to convince your wife to stop, nor can you control what she does. What you can control is YOU, your life and how you choose to live. From reading your post, it seems clear that you've reached YOUR bottom and are ready to move on. I would strongly suggest speaking to a lawer (or 3) about separation and see what your responsibility will be towards your AW (alcoholic wife) financially speaking. She is a grown woman and if she wants help, she will find it.
Keep reading and posting as much as you like. SR is always open.
Have you considered going to Al-Anon in order to get some face to face support? Sadly, a lot of people have been where you are now, and it may help you to hear their stories, and possibly share yours.
As for your wife, let me post for you the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it
It's so hard when you love someone to just detach emotionally, but there truly is nothing you can do to convince your wife to stop, nor can you control what she does. What you can control is YOU, your life and how you choose to live. From reading your post, it seems clear that you've reached YOUR bottom and are ready to move on. I would strongly suggest speaking to a lawer (or 3) about separation and see what your responsibility will be towards your AW (alcoholic wife) financially speaking. She is a grown woman and if she wants help, she will find it.
Keep reading and posting as much as you like. SR is always open.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Bem, I used to be in your situation. I had to let go. The wonderful, kind, loving guy, was consumed with a disease. He would not acknowledge it, had no desire to quit drinking, the only problem we had was me complaining about his abuse of alcohol. (in his head)
I became a prisoner in my own home. We stopped going out together because he would get all bagged up and be an ass. We didn't have friends over anymore because he would get drunk and ugly. His actions and behavior were dragging me down.
I did not share what was going on with any of my family or friends, as I was quite embarrassed to have allowed myself to get involved in such a toxic relationship.
You are correct when you say, nothing you say or do will make your wife quit drinking. It is her choice. Seems the more I voiced my opinion regarding the drinking, the more he clung to the bottle. The bottle did not deny him, the bottle was always there, the bottle did not judge him.
Your wife is responsible for her actions. She is responsible for her recovery. As sad as it is to say, she has the right to continue to drink, but you DO NOT have to witness this.
We all have a breaking point. Sounds like you have arrived. You have the right to have peace and tranquility in your life. You cannot save her, so save YOU.
She is an adult woman, you are not responsible for keeping a roof over her head. Let here figure that out for herself. Seems alcoholics have all the answers, and turn into "know-it-alls" when they are drunk, allow her to sink or swim.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it's only going to get worse. Give yourself permission not to live like this for one more day. You are not alone, keep posting we are here for you.
I became a prisoner in my own home. We stopped going out together because he would get all bagged up and be an ass. We didn't have friends over anymore because he would get drunk and ugly. His actions and behavior were dragging me down.
I did not share what was going on with any of my family or friends, as I was quite embarrassed to have allowed myself to get involved in such a toxic relationship.
You are correct when you say, nothing you say or do will make your wife quit drinking. It is her choice. Seems the more I voiced my opinion regarding the drinking, the more he clung to the bottle. The bottle did not deny him, the bottle was always there, the bottle did not judge him.
Your wife is responsible for her actions. She is responsible for her recovery. As sad as it is to say, she has the right to continue to drink, but you DO NOT have to witness this.
We all have a breaking point. Sounds like you have arrived. You have the right to have peace and tranquility in your life. You cannot save her, so save YOU.
She is an adult woman, you are not responsible for keeping a roof over her head. Let here figure that out for herself. Seems alcoholics have all the answers, and turn into "know-it-alls" when they are drunk, allow her to sink or swim.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it's only going to get worse. Give yourself permission not to live like this for one more day. You are not alone, keep posting we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 117
Hi bem1277,
First post here for me too. I was just thinking how I could have written exactly what you have above. Although I am not living in the same house as the person I have been involved with for the past three years, I can totally identify with what you are experiencing.
I am watching a beautiful woman essentially kill herself. I have tried just about everything I can to stop this. No matter how many accidents she has, how much trouble she causes, how many times she is in court due to her alcoholism... she just doesn't get it. It's heart wrenching to watch.
I also can't get the message across. She refuses to admit she has a problem. When I try to talk to her about this, it ends in a huge argument and I have to leave. The next evening I get a phone call that she has fallen and broken her leg, or has been arrested for something or other.
It's taking me a long time to learn this... I seem to like banging my head against that wall too!
This website it littered with such sad tales like this. Sometimes I can't even bare to read them. The sad fact is, there is nothing we can do to stop another person from doing this. We aren't completely powerless though. We can do something ourselves and our involvement in a particular situation. It's difficult, I know. And I find it hard to admit this. But for me, I have to walk away. I can't do it anymore. From what I have been reading around here and other places, it's probably best to remove oneself from the madness and insanity and heartache.
I'm sorry you are in a similar situation. It's so tough. It's sad watching the tragedy unfold isn't it? I'm trying hard to learn something about myself from this all. Maybe you can do the same? I'm quickly learning what codependency is all about...
First post here for me too. I was just thinking how I could have written exactly what you have above. Although I am not living in the same house as the person I have been involved with for the past three years, I can totally identify with what you are experiencing.
I am watching a beautiful woman essentially kill herself. I have tried just about everything I can to stop this. No matter how many accidents she has, how much trouble she causes, how many times she is in court due to her alcoholism... she just doesn't get it. It's heart wrenching to watch.
I also can't get the message across. She refuses to admit she has a problem. When I try to talk to her about this, it ends in a huge argument and I have to leave. The next evening I get a phone call that she has fallen and broken her leg, or has been arrested for something or other.
It's taking me a long time to learn this... I seem to like banging my head against that wall too!
This website it littered with such sad tales like this. Sometimes I can't even bare to read them. The sad fact is, there is nothing we can do to stop another person from doing this. We aren't completely powerless though. We can do something ourselves and our involvement in a particular situation. It's difficult, I know. And I find it hard to admit this. But for me, I have to walk away. I can't do it anymore. From what I have been reading around here and other places, it's probably best to remove oneself from the madness and insanity and heartache.
I'm sorry you are in a similar situation. It's so tough. It's sad watching the tragedy unfold isn't it? I'm trying hard to learn something about myself from this all. Maybe you can do the same? I'm quickly learning what codependency is all about...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
I can relate to much of your story. I've been married to my AW for 30 years, and she refuses to acknowledge that she has a drinking problem. I have managed to detach emotionally, but I haven't worked up the courage or a strategy for getting out of the marriage.
She is now 4 days into another alleged sober period... our daughter confronted her again and apparently threatened to move out if she didn't stop...again. Of course, AW grumbles behind daughter's back for trying to control her. I don't expect it to last; we've been down this road before.
AW doesn't want to stop, doesn't think she needs to stop, so she resents anyone telling her what to do. The last time she promised to stop, it lasted two weeks. We'll see.
You'll get lots of good advice here, from people who've been through what you're now experiencing.
Best of luck, and keep posting.
She is now 4 days into another alleged sober period... our daughter confronted her again and apparently threatened to move out if she didn't stop...again. Of course, AW grumbles behind daughter's back for trying to control her. I don't expect it to last; we've been down this road before.
AW doesn't want to stop, doesn't think she needs to stop, so she resents anyone telling her what to do. The last time she promised to stop, it lasted two weeks. We'll see.
You'll get lots of good advice here, from people who've been through what you're now experiencing.
Best of luck, and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 23
Your story sounds like mine except I'm not married. When my XAGF wasn't drinking she was beautiful, kind, loving and my best friend. As time went on things got worse and I couldn't look away no more. It got to the point that I starting to think this isn't a phase, she wouldn't grow out of it. I tried everything. I even tried pouring my heart out to her several times and the conclusion was that she would stop drinking. A week would go by and then she would start drinking again. Then the closet drinking started. I still can't believe she thought I didn't know when she was drunk. The lies were so blunt and stupid I still don't know what she was thinking.
7 weeks ago I finally got fed up and have been staying at my mom's house. The separation has helped me think with a clear head. I miss her (the good her) alot but it is what it is. She says that she is getting help but there are times I'm not so sure. At the time of the break up she also had no income, I decided that since our lease is up soon I would stay at my moms and give her time to figure out her next step.
I feel bad about this but I truly believe that she needs to hit rock bottom until she starts to help herself. I can't keep enabling her like I have for 8 years. I also don't want to be a jerk because I know she is a good person so I figured I could clear my guilt by allowing her to stay for 2 months, if she can't get on her feet within that time frame then it's her problem. Since I left she has been attending AA meetings and not drinking, but I kind of feel like she is saying all the right things in order to get me back. On a positive note she said she found a job and maybe an apartment.
I guess I'm rambling. All I can say is if you leave make sure you are 100% sure and stay strong not to go back. I reached out to this site asking people if I should go back after two weeks of moving out. Everyone said it was a bad idea and now that it's been 7 weeks they were absolutely right. If I went back I don't think anything would change and leaving a second time would be a lot harder.
Stay strong and use this site for support and to learn about the disease.
7 weeks ago I finally got fed up and have been staying at my mom's house. The separation has helped me think with a clear head. I miss her (the good her) alot but it is what it is. She says that she is getting help but there are times I'm not so sure. At the time of the break up she also had no income, I decided that since our lease is up soon I would stay at my moms and give her time to figure out her next step.
I feel bad about this but I truly believe that she needs to hit rock bottom until she starts to help herself. I can't keep enabling her like I have for 8 years. I also don't want to be a jerk because I know she is a good person so I figured I could clear my guilt by allowing her to stay for 2 months, if she can't get on her feet within that time frame then it's her problem. Since I left she has been attending AA meetings and not drinking, but I kind of feel like she is saying all the right things in order to get me back. On a positive note she said she found a job and maybe an apartment.
I guess I'm rambling. All I can say is if you leave make sure you are 100% sure and stay strong not to go back. I reached out to this site asking people if I should go back after two weeks of moving out. Everyone said it was a bad idea and now that it's been 7 weeks they were absolutely right. If I went back I don't think anything would change and leaving a second time would be a lot harder.
Stay strong and use this site for support and to learn about the disease.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You won't be putting her on the street...
...she'll be putting her on the street. For most alcoholics, until their warm place to sleep, money to buy alcohol, and all other enabling behaviors disappear they don't look inward, don't take responsibility for their own behaviors, and don't know what it is to suffer the consequences of their choices.
Some never do, but the ones with enablers that continue enabling have an even worse chance of finding sobriety and recovery. A lot worse.
My wife found sobriety when I stopped protecting her, stopped cleaning up after her, and stopped taking care of her. Previous to that was 12 years of drunkenness.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranaok
Some never do, but the ones with enablers that continue enabling have an even worse chance of finding sobriety and recovery. A lot worse.
My wife found sobriety when I stopped protecting her, stopped cleaning up after her, and stopped taking care of her. Previous to that was 12 years of drunkenness.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranaok
Originally Posted by bem1277 
Just a little background - My wife and I have been married for 7 years and she is the love of my life. She is the most kind, considerate and loving person I have ever known...when she is sober. When she drinks she is a completely different person.
She has always drank but I wouldnt say to excess until a few years ago and she has progressed to the point that she binge drinks, straight Vodka and a lot of it. She has reached a point that she is either drunk or sick from it.
I have tried everything to get her to stop, you name it, I've done it and I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do or say, she continues to drink.
Thank God we dont have children in this situation. I feel a lot of things including, sad, angry, alone. I see no change in sight. She will not admit that she has a problem.
I have decided that I will not live the rest of my life like this or watch her end hers this way because I'm sure she will die of alcoholism with the amount she drinks. She wont even listen to reason when I point out to her that she has had two friends die from alcoholism and they didnt drink near the amount that she does.
I'm tired of banging my head against the wall. The problem is, she has no income or a way to support herself, I cannot support two households and I have a hard time putting her in the street. I do still love her, I always will. This is like a death to me.
I'm sure others are in the same situation as me. Any advice?
She has always drank but I wouldnt say to excess until a few years ago and she has progressed to the point that she binge drinks, straight Vodka and a lot of it. She has reached a point that she is either drunk or sick from it.
I have tried everything to get her to stop, you name it, I've done it and I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do or say, she continues to drink.
Thank God we dont have children in this situation. I feel a lot of things including, sad, angry, alone. I see no change in sight. She will not admit that she has a problem.
I have decided that I will not live the rest of my life like this or watch her end hers this way because I'm sure she will die of alcoholism with the amount she drinks. She wont even listen to reason when I point out to her that she has had two friends die from alcoholism and they didnt drink near the amount that she does.
I'm tired of banging my head against the wall. The problem is, she has no income or a way to support herself, I cannot support two households and I have a hard time putting her in the street. I do still love her, I always will. This is like a death to me.
I'm sure others are in the same situation as me. Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I had to let go of my AXH. Go to Alanon and it will help you with detaching and it will educate you. It is sad. It is hard. We are powerless over this hideous disease. If you get between someone and their bottom they will land on you. We can't love them well. It has to come from her. If everything is taken away from her she may wake up. Enabling her will only prolong her disease. She is grown. Stop helping her and her problems become who's ? Hers. Alanon and SR. Glad you are here. We have been there. 
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