Broken and angry and hurt and...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 19
Broken and angry and hurt and...
That is how I feel.
Instead of lurking I thought I would register and start posting and interacting.
I started going to meetings about two months ago in late July. They seem to be helping but I am so nervous to share my story so I don't interact much. I don't know if I feel what I am saying isn't smart enough or won't be of value or if I will just sound stupid. I went to support a friend he has a schedule conflict but I have continued to go. My alcoholic was behaving very well but I knew it wouldn't last. It never does. Every time he crashes it burns me even more. I just can't take it anymore. My life realy is unmanageable. That is easy to recognize.
He is highly functioning. You would never ever even know he was drunk. He drinks about 13- 18 beers a day. This is a lot of money. We...er I am always broke. He took his paycheck out of our joint account a while ago and just transfers what he wants for bills. He shorts me all the time...all the time. The result is I can either pay bills or buy groceries for our family. This makes us behind and then there are fee's. He doesn't see the connection that the shorting me just makes things worse.
He spends no time with us...us being our family. Our 3 year old and my two older girls. He works second shift so it is already tricky to find time but when he he is home he spends all his time in his man cave he plays music and thinks he is going to become famous. He wants fame and fortune and I want love, friendship and family fun. I don't understand how you put selfish desires before your children before your spouse who you promised to love honor and cherrish. I no longer feel he cares at all the love honor cherrish business. He can't even make it through a family dinner. He leaves when he is done even though no one else is...I guess he has better things to do than hear about what is going on in the house.
These behaviors make me angry. I don't understand not supporting your family and makeing sure that basic needs are met.
I am angry because I was a single mom for 16 years. I stopped dating because I didn't trust myself to pick a good man without an addiction. I waited so long for Mr. Right turns out I was so wrong. I feel so angry at myself too for making my standards a little lower and dating someone who drank and then getting caught up in feeling all those things I hadn't felt in so long. I had tiny doubts but I married him anyway thinking everything would be alright that love could concour all. It can't and everything isn't ok.
I'm lost, any self worth I had is gone out the window. Everything is a mess. Me, the house, the finaces, work. On the surface you would never know...well that is alie. If you know me you can see something is wrong I am withdrawn, worried, not as outgoing as I used to be. I have lost interst in things I am unsure of myself. I am broken and lost. I am sad. I am hurt then I go right back to anger because I have realized that I can only control myself.
Then my question turns into - but where to I start picking up all the peices?
Instead of lurking I thought I would register and start posting and interacting.
I started going to meetings about two months ago in late July. They seem to be helping but I am so nervous to share my story so I don't interact much. I don't know if I feel what I am saying isn't smart enough or won't be of value or if I will just sound stupid. I went to support a friend he has a schedule conflict but I have continued to go. My alcoholic was behaving very well but I knew it wouldn't last. It never does. Every time he crashes it burns me even more. I just can't take it anymore. My life realy is unmanageable. That is easy to recognize.
He is highly functioning. You would never ever even know he was drunk. He drinks about 13- 18 beers a day. This is a lot of money. We...er I am always broke. He took his paycheck out of our joint account a while ago and just transfers what he wants for bills. He shorts me all the time...all the time. The result is I can either pay bills or buy groceries for our family. This makes us behind and then there are fee's. He doesn't see the connection that the shorting me just makes things worse.
He spends no time with us...us being our family. Our 3 year old and my two older girls. He works second shift so it is already tricky to find time but when he he is home he spends all his time in his man cave he plays music and thinks he is going to become famous. He wants fame and fortune and I want love, friendship and family fun. I don't understand how you put selfish desires before your children before your spouse who you promised to love honor and cherrish. I no longer feel he cares at all the love honor cherrish business. He can't even make it through a family dinner. He leaves when he is done even though no one else is...I guess he has better things to do than hear about what is going on in the house.
These behaviors make me angry. I don't understand not supporting your family and makeing sure that basic needs are met.
I am angry because I was a single mom for 16 years. I stopped dating because I didn't trust myself to pick a good man without an addiction. I waited so long for Mr. Right turns out I was so wrong. I feel so angry at myself too for making my standards a little lower and dating someone who drank and then getting caught up in feeling all those things I hadn't felt in so long. I had tiny doubts but I married him anyway thinking everything would be alright that love could concour all. It can't and everything isn't ok.
I'm lost, any self worth I had is gone out the window. Everything is a mess. Me, the house, the finaces, work. On the surface you would never know...well that is alie. If you know me you can see something is wrong I am withdrawn, worried, not as outgoing as I used to be. I have lost interst in things I am unsure of myself. I am broken and lost. I am sad. I am hurt then I go right back to anger because I have realized that I can only control myself.
Then my question turns into - but where to I start picking up all the peices?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 19
one more
the other question really becomes do I keep fighting to save a marraige that doesn't really exist or just walk away. what am I fighting to even save...an idea? It is so hard cause he is a "nice guy" I know I am the only one who could answer this but I just don't know.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Tacoma, WA
Posts: 57
mefirst, sorry to hear of your situation but as they say life happens but that does not mean there is no hope. As for where do you start to pick up the pieces you start right where you are. Tell your husband the truth you can nolonger go on like this and want a divorce or seperation at the very least. You plan to stay in the home for the kids sake so he will need to make arangements to move. You will also probably need to recieve some sort of child support "you can bet he won't like that one". You have to be strong and remember this isn't just about you and him. It's also about the children to. You may also need to seek the advice of an attorney. You might be able to find some advice at United Way sometimes they might be able to point you in the right direction.
Anyway good luck it time to quit being a door matt
Anyway good luck it time to quit being a door matt
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
mefirst, Welcome. SR is a good place to start. You can find lots of support on these threads. Keep reading and posting.
It is totally up to you to decide when enough is enough. For your sake and the sake of your kids, hoping peace is in your very near future.
Start by formulating a plan. Baby steps. Do one small thing each day, that will empower you to decide if this is the way you want to continue to live. This horrible disease consumes families. You are the only responsible parent your kids have right now, it's up to you to get all of you to a better place. Have you tried Al-anon?
Keep posting you are not alone.
It is totally up to you to decide when enough is enough. For your sake and the sake of your kids, hoping peace is in your very near future.
Start by formulating a plan. Baby steps. Do one small thing each day, that will empower you to decide if this is the way you want to continue to live. This horrible disease consumes families. You are the only responsible parent your kids have right now, it's up to you to get all of you to a better place. Have you tried Al-anon?
Keep posting you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi mefirst and welcome to SR.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. I am however glad that you have decided to post. There's a lot of wisdom to be found here.
As for your question...only you can decide when you've had enough. You're asking the right questions though: what am I fighting for? It doesn't seem like your partner is fighting with you. Is this what you want out of life? Is this what you hoped for your daughters?
Your feelings of sadness, anger and frustration are all valid and normal. I remember going through that rollercoaster of emotions when I was considering leaving my XAH. What made me feel better was putting together a plan of action, so I didn't continue to feel paralyzed by emotion.
IMO, you could benefit from some individual counselling, so that you could begin to heal from this toxic marriage. Are there any community resources in your area?
Keep posting!
I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. I am however glad that you have decided to post. There's a lot of wisdom to be found here.
As for your question...only you can decide when you've had enough. You're asking the right questions though: what am I fighting for? It doesn't seem like your partner is fighting with you. Is this what you want out of life? Is this what you hoped for your daughters?
Your feelings of sadness, anger and frustration are all valid and normal. I remember going through that rollercoaster of emotions when I was considering leaving my XAH. What made me feel better was putting together a plan of action, so I didn't continue to feel paralyzed by emotion.
IMO, you could benefit from some individual counselling, so that you could begin to heal from this toxic marriage. Are there any community resources in your area?
Keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 19
I have been going to Al-Anon meetings and they do seem to be working.
I have most definatly had enough. A long series of events pushed it to far. I just feel very trapped as I cannot afford our mortgage on my own and I along with everyone else in the country is living in a home that might not be worth what I paid for it. I can't leave because the house is in my name which is good and bad.
Because I reached my breaking point I have been making some lists with my options. So I guess in reality that is the place I need to start it just helps writing things down. It helps being validated that this is not how a healthy relationship works. Along with a list of options last night when I got home from work I cleaned before I did anything else, it was nice to have clean surroundings. I also have been trying to make an action plan to take better care of myself.
I am just still trying to wrap my head around how it all happened as I was so strong before...or so it seemed. I do like the advice of start where I am.
I have most definatly had enough. A long series of events pushed it to far. I just feel very trapped as I cannot afford our mortgage on my own and I along with everyone else in the country is living in a home that might not be worth what I paid for it. I can't leave because the house is in my name which is good and bad.
Because I reached my breaking point I have been making some lists with my options. So I guess in reality that is the place I need to start it just helps writing things down. It helps being validated that this is not how a healthy relationship works. Along with a list of options last night when I got home from work I cleaned before I did anything else, it was nice to have clean surroundings. I also have been trying to make an action plan to take better care of myself.
I am just still trying to wrap my head around how it all happened as I was so strong before...or so it seemed. I do like the advice of start where I am.
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