m1k3

You know, one of the hardest things I have had to do is to learn to think in the first person. I always thought we and us when it came to doing anything. I never considered just doing something for myself even though she had no problems and going and doing stuff on her own.

It was strange as first thinking what do I want to do rather than what should we do or what would she like to do.

I had been drowning in my own relationship with my AW.

Your friend,

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

It is amazing how they are all the same. They have it sooo toughhh and work so hard yada yada yada It is called friggin LIFE!! Put the bottle down and DEAL with it!!

I get so tired of it. I finally realized that this whole experience has taken a peice of me and NOW I want that peice back. I should have never let it happen but I slowly let my happy go lucky self disappear in this FOG i lived in for too long. I am not blaming him because I am a big girl and should have taken action a long time ago. I kept wishing and hoping that the latest sobriety would last even though it never did last more than 6 months.

I am finally realizing that mine is just a negative person. He always says if he did not have bad luck, he would not have any luck at all. Now looking back he says alot of negative things to himself and about life in general. Wow wonder why you feel your life sucks! I have an idea, stop telling yourself LIFE SUCKS and maybe it wouldn't!!

Let's start a list of what are A's perceive as such a tough life!! Let's see your were blessed with 2 healthy kids and a women that loved you. A roof over your head and steady work. A body that is healthy for the msot part but you still choose to look at the negative in life and dwell on that. Well that helps to keep the drinking going for you, doesn't it?

Ok, I will stop rambling now. I do not know what just got into me??

GettingBy

I did it.

I went to the second counselor's appointment... and I let fly. I said what I meant, I meant what I said, and I didn't say it mean.

I was clear, concise... and told him/her that I was done living with AH. I told her about the abusive crap he pulled Friday night. I explained that was completely unacceptable to me. And that as long as he and I are living together, and he has not willing to stop drinking and work a recovery program... I will be subjected to that crap. I explained how I have worked very hard to detach and not engage, walk away, yada-yada-yada... and he just keeps coming at me. And that's enough. She asked me what I needed and I said, "To not live with him anymore."

She told him that our marriage is in a crisis right now (ah, duh, ya think?!?) and that he HAS to stop drinking. He balked and said, "Fine, but I don't have a drinking problem." She said to me, "Shannon, if he agrees to stop drinking, would you agree to stay living together?" I said, "No, because I don't trust him to stop drinking. He has given that empty promise many times in the past - never to follow through. He is not WILLING stopping drinking. I don't believe he will stop until HE decides he needs to stop."

The session went on for a while longer, she talked to him alone for a bit... at which point I believe he explained to her that his grandfather passed away yesterday, and *thats* why he's so upset and not able to talk today. OH, of course, there's always an excuse!! It's always somebody elses fault!!!

When I came back in the room, it was very clear that 1) she disagreed with me bringing up any of my grievances today given AH's recent loss and 2) she was trying to negotiate me down into letting us continue to live together.

I didn't budge. Maybe I have built a wall and maybe I'm being unreasonable as she seemed to insuate... or maybe, just maybe, I'm a bit more educated on addiction and am not buying anymore of his manipulation.

Maybe my timing sucks - pulling the rug out from under him the week his grandfather passed away... or maybe, just maybe, that's life. If I continued to wait for "the perfect" time... I may have wasted another 10 years of my precious life.

What I do know is that I have drawn a line - and there can not be any waivering or back sliding now. I MUST move forward else I lose credibility. I need all the support and prayers you folks can send. PLEASE HELP ME to stay strong.

GettingBy

As a follow up - he has agreed to live away from me for the next week (he scheduled another appointment for next Tuesday). I am going out of town for work tomorrow and Thursday, possibly Friday - so that separation is easy. He's going out of town Friday/Saturday for his grandfather's funeral/burial.

It's a funeral - there will be lots of drinking, by all of his family (huh, surprise!). So, you won't catch me in a 100-mile ******* radius of that ****.

The counselor told him that there is to be absolutely ZERO drinking between now and next Tuesday (ha! yeah, that will work!!).

She told me that I am being too cynical. How the **** can I not be at this point? I told her that for me, there is a fine, fine line between hope and denial. And that while I thought I had spent the last 10 years hoping for change - I now feel that it was probably more likely that I spent the last 10 years in denial.

She said, "Well, he's here... willing. So that's a good sign right? That's something hopeful." I couldn't say a word... I'm too ******* jaded and burned at this point.

LaTeeDa

GB, just a reminder that this is a person you have hired as a marriage counselor. Regardless of her expertise in addiction, you and your AH have made it her job to try and save your marriage. Her fallback position will always be compromise because that is what you have hired her for.

Didn't I read a thread not long ago that you had hired a counselor for you? Individually, I mean?

L

GettingBy

LTD... You are 100% correct. As I was talking to my sponsor afterwards, she reminded me that very same fact. That I need to keep the counselor words in perspective to the job/role that she is responsible for. Yes, she (the counselor) is working to save "us." She did request my AH find another counselor for himself... to which he replied (of course!), "No, I'm fine!"

I do have a counselor for me. We had an appointment for this Thursday that I have to cancel. I am doubling up on my Al-anon meetings and reaching out/leaning on my F2F support alot right now.

wanttobehealthy

Getting By- I think the counselor sounds like she doesn't know what she's doing. Telling an alcoholic they HAVE to stop drinking and hearing them say okay and expecting you to go "oh, okay well not that that's resolved" is just plain idiotic for a T.

I think you're right about there never being a good time to tell them to leave. If it wasn't his grandfather it would be bc it was a Tuesday or bc the sun was shining or bc it was raining. There will always be a problem with the timing just as with my AH there is always a problem with how i say things... Whatever.

Good for you for speaking up in T.

wishin4change

Thanks for posting this. I am working towards true detachment and it is very confusing to me that I havent reached it yet. You are another person who has described it as a moment that you just knew you were DONE.

I really look forward to that moment. My AH has been on best behavior for a few days becuase he knows I am doing this, but all that confirms to me is that he is doing the manipulative game as usual.

Thanks for sharing, Im learning so much on SR.

FindingPeace1

The therapist must not have experience with alcoholics.

Trust YOU.

Continue to trust you.

They say marriage counseling with an addict is an act of futility.

Besides, it sounds like you are pretty done.

Good luck.

p

StarCat

How true this is.
How right you are.
Thank you.