caughthiminject

I just saw a post by ZRX in another thread and wow, those words impacted me that addicts choose us codependents. My AXBF had a girlfriend before me that he did every drug in the world with. He said that he had to break up with her because she was always high and violent and embarrassing to be with. Coming from someone who embarrassed me quite a lot, it was hard to imagine there was a girl he couldn't cope with. I don't have any vices apart from too many chocolates, and his family adore me. They say the last girl was horrible. They told me that he must want to change if he dumped her and found a nice clean girl like me. But now that I saw that post - I get it. They can't live with someone as messed up as themselves because there's no one to clean the house, do the errands, put food on the table, make them go to work, etc. It makes perfect sense. Parasites and hosts.

Freedom1990

That's why they say addicts don't have relationships; they take hostages.

searchbug

The irony is sometimes overwhelming.
My post mentions an ex, who was at my abf's place. One reason for her visit, was that she and her current person..had been arrested a few nights prior, him for falling down in the market, and her presumably for public intoxication. On her way over that evening, she complained about having been "forced" to urinate in what she "thought" was behind a bush, but turned out to be the drivethrough at the pharmacy. She almost got arrested for that one.
Part of their discussion (while I was there) was bewildering...the two of them were patting themselves on the back, BECAUSE BOTH OF THEM HATE HAVING DIRTY DISHES UNDONE. I publicly admit here... I don't always get my dishes done immediately.
And I stood there, with my jaw dropped.. that somehow I was a "bad person" for not being spotless with housework, while they grabbed another beer from the fridge.
As much as he claims to be disgusted with her (when she isn't there)..the fact remains, that the two of them will get along, as long as there is a supply of alcohol and they have someone to drink with.

akrasia

Dear Searchbug,

I read your other post as well. I know we're not supposed to be directive here but I don't care. Someone needs to tell you this: Please for the love of God don't spend any more time with these people. You did not spend 60 years living so that you could then have your golden years trashed by these lowlifes.

MTSlideAddict

This makes complete sense. I ALWAYS was the strong one in mine and my AH's relationship. At least I thought I was being strong, but it turned out to be complete codie behavior. I cleaned up so many of the messes, called in sick for him, took him to the hospital when he felt 'ill', and paid the bills amongst other things. I neglected my needs and wants, because his 'needs' were more and priority. Boy was I naive.

LifeRecovery

I don't think this is the case for everyone. It is just my ESH.

I know that for me I needed to have a relationship with someone struggling with addiction. The codie behavior was in place long before the relationship on my end.

I needed it to learn the lessons I needed to learn, to clean out the old stuff from growing up (thought I did not grow up with active addiction).

What is my responsibility now is to learn from this experience, grow and blossom in the realization that I don't have to behave that way with people I love.

I am not necessarily grateful for the experiences that got me here, but I am grateful for the lessons that I am learning from them. We can't expect more than that from ourselves.

Thlayli

ESH? I keep seeing that one but can't figure out what it means.

LifeRecovery

ESH-Experience, Strength and Hope

wanttobehealthy

Just had to reply to Searchbug's post about being judged for dirty dishes while two A's discuss their respective antics.

That excessive judgement is something I got so so so sick of at the end of my r/s with my AH. I left a few remnants of confetti in the yard after D6's bday a few weeks ago and got lectured about how I didn't clean up after myself, was lazy etc... all the while AH neglecting that he did not help clean up bc he was plastered (at a kids bday party) and proceeded later that night to drink 30 beers. Yeah, I'm the problem for leaving kids confetti in the grass.

TakingCharge999

Ah me too, very similar things happened,

Its all distractions, and they know housework, body image are things most women feel insecure about.

Energy vampires.

I wonder what the hell I was thinking. Gladly I no longer tolerate such people in my close circle. I spend alone way more time now but it is still 100 times better than living with huge energy vampires.

sugarbear1

As a codependant, I always chose someone who needed to be taken care of.

hadenoughnow

Add parenting to that list. I had all sorts of criticisms thrown at me regarding what a poor parent I supposedly was. I didn't really believe him but years of it wore me down.

Ironic from a man who drank daily in front of our son and had his visitation cut for not taking DS to school!

I was expected to be perfect in every way but it is ok for him to screw his whole life up because he has "problems".

caughthiminject

Oh I have had that thrown at me before. I'm about 30 pounds overweight but I was like that when we met. He would often pick at my weight and compare it to his drinking. I said my extra 30 pounds doesn't get me thrown in jail for driving under the influence of chocolate.