veryregretful

Sorry this is long. Once I start typing I just keep going.

It was hard but I did it. I gave my lawyer a retainer for my divorce!

He doesn't know anything about it as he is living in the basement of out house actively drinking and smoking pot and not sure what else. I'm afraid to ask him to leave so I'm going to have papers to order him out from the court.

He has basically verbally abused me for a long time and an alcoholic since I've know him. We have been married 20 years and together 23 and have two 16 year olds.

In the last 3 years he has left 4 times and I always take him back thinking things would work out. But it never does. It is fine for a couple weeks then back to what it was before. The last time he left was the beginning of June. Was gone two weeks and we talked and how this time was going to work, blah, blah, blah.

He has been telling my kids awful things about me. He even told them he was going to have me arrested for spending his SSDI money that was deposited in our joint account. All of it he says. Which I do admit I spent some but not all. I caught up on bills, bought the kids some things, etc. He told them I took the money and hid it and that I could go to jail for 2 to 5 years. He said to me he wanted them to know he is right and I'm the wrong one.

So the reason i decided on a divorce was my daughter. My sweet 16 year old who is much wiser than her years. She told me you have tried so many times with him. You are not happy. Me and my brother are suffering because of what's going on. Divorce him already and you need to be happy. I knew what I needed to do but was scared. She giving me the little push was all that I needed!

For some reason that was an eye opener. I got the wheels rolling. I had a consultation with a female lawyer and boy, is she a spitfire. My STBXAH is going to be indimidated by her. I love it!!!!

We are also going through bankruptcy. I got my date to see the trustee so he will be served the afternoon after we see the trustee.

He does not want to quit drinking. He is actively drinking. I don't know how much because I don't go down the basement to check. I'm all done with checking how much he drinks.

I asked him to go see his doctor about depression and other things but he said no! I don't want to be on pills like you and act like a zombie. I take an antidepressant and anxiety medication to help me sleep. Anxiety cuz I'm always walking on eggshells and trying to keep peace in my home. Hopefully, once he leaves and my life is not chaos I would like to get off the meds.

Throughout the time we have been together I have been verbally abused. Blamed for everything. Hours on end I would sit there listening to him belittle me and of course I would argue back. Worrying about him driniking and driving. Accusing me of cheating. Saying I'm selfish, etc. I think you all know the drill.

I knew I should have left earler or not had him come back the first time but I thought I could fix him and thought I needed him.

I remember one time he got arrested for slashing next door's tires and I called his cousin. I told him I wanted to leave my AH. I was afraid I couldn't do it alone. He said, "you have been doing it alone the whole time". That thought has been in my head since. MY STBXAH has really not worked a steady job the whole time we have together. He is in construction and worked under the table mostly. There was always an excuse about not working. Boss is a jerk, can't find work, too cold out, etc. So I worked fulltime, took care of house and everything else.

For the past three weeks, he is texting me everday something negative. I have the texts from the beginning of June. He said our marraige was over on Sunday. Then next day texts nice then negative again. Just get over it buddy and realize I can't take care of you anymore.

Since I have decided on divorce I seem to feel a weight off my shoulders. I'm talking to the kids more. laughing with them. I went out a couple times with my friends. I'm talking to more people. Even though he is still in the basement I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

I know it's going to be an emotional roller coaster the next few months but I think for me and my kids we will be much happier and I'm hoping I still will be able to guide them in the right direction as the last few years it has been tense in the house and my focus was on not upsetting my STBXAH instead of being there more for them.

I don't know the five stages you go through. I know I have been through denial, anger and depression. I don't know the other two. I'll have to look that up.

I posted this because I never thought that I would be strong enough to divorce him and to stop being selfish myself and realize I have two kids I brought into this world that need me more than my STBXAH does.

There is no way I'm going back. I absolutley see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to living with just me and the kids and the dogs. I can't wait!!!!!!

Good luck to all who are struggling with thier alcoholic person. There is light at the end somewhere.

Thank you for reading.

Tally

I believe the other two stages may be acceptance and grief, but you'd be better checking, that's just off the top of my head.

Just wanted to say good luck. I haven't been this happy in years since my exrabf left. The house is full of music and laughter and my daughters friends...it's great! Not an eggshell in sight!

veryregretful

Thank you,

I think I've accepted the fact he won't change unless he wants to. And I've accepted the only person I can control is myself.

Does the grief part come after? I don't think I've felt grief.

I can feel the happiness and laughter coming on!!!!!!!! I look at each day as a new beginning. Somedays are harder than others but for the most part they are better than before. I can look forward to something.

Freedom1990

Bargaining and acceptance are the other two stages of grief. I'm glad you are moving in a positive direction for you and the kids!

Sending you hugs of support.

veryregretful

I understand the acceptance. But would be the bargaining? Maybe it's in one of the stickies. I'll have to go check.

Thank you

OnMyWay11

Perhaps you have already done the bargaining. If you quit drinking.....I will.....
The stages can be sequential, but not necessarily. Bargaining may have been the first stage for you.

GettingBy

Bargaining for me was going on and I never consciously realized it until I paid closer attention to my thoughts. I wasn't outwardly bargaining with my AH, but I was with myself! My wishful thinking... looking for signs of hope, that I then used to prolong the process. The whole, "Maybe I was wrong! Maybe I don't have to go through with the divorce." The whole "Wait and See" process.

Bargaining, for me, has kept me stuck. I am working very hard with my sponsor to overcome the bargaining thoughts that keep me from really recovering. So, now that I have stalled on our divorce - I'm taking the time to focus solely on me and my recovery and getting myself/mind into a healthier place so I can follow through on my boundaries!

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

StarCat

After breaking up with XABF, I sat down and wrote out my processing through the stages of grief. It was a good exercise, it helped me figure out where I was with things.
I'm posting it here now, in the hope that it helps you.

I realized today, through a post on SR, that I have been working through the stages of grief. I thought it would be a good idea to sit down and right my thoughts, so I can determine where I stand.

Denial
This was back in the stages of "XABF can't be an alcoholic" and where I felt like I had to support him and keep everything from him so that he wouldn't feel the need to drink. I used to hide his drinking from everyone, and blame myself (he'd blame me, too) when he fell short and started drinking again.
This is also when I believed that he could detox himself without help, that he could stop on his own simply because he wanted to. Did he really want to stop, though? I don't know the answer to that.

Anger
I went through this stage fairly quickly... I am sure the guy next to me at work remembers this stage, because I would yell at XABF on the phone when I had too much of his verbal abuse. I started to truly hate the drunken him, and glare at him with this evil look on my face. I resented him and everything he stood for.
My anger dried up the night I kicked him out, when I actually used my pent up anger and finally tried to hit him. I truly believe he was not expecting that and, even though I missed, it caught him off guard enough that I was able to get to work without him even trying to stop me.
It felt like I had "thrown" my anger with my swing at XABF, and while it's come back since then, it's been weaker each time it returns.

Bargaining
I believe I went through this stage before the "Anger" stage. I would constantly try to bargain with him about how to "help him stop."
It's possible, too, that my "bargaining" stage was while he was in rehab. I know I was in denial still about the full impact of things, because I kept believing he would get better - but he kept calling me. I backed down the amount of calls I would accept, and then I stopped answering entirely, but nothing ever seemed to be good enough, nothing helped, and I know I realized this the day after I visited him.

Depression
This stage I am still getting through. I am almost there, but I don't eat like I used to. (Although this is closer to my normal appetite). I am also having difficulty getting up in the morning, and I am usually a morning person. Still, Peaches the kitten helps a lot, and the distance has helped a lot, and I will be fine.
I've passed through this stage, now. Still not getting up in the mornings, but I don't think that's depression, that's me deciding to take my time and go into work when I'm ready. My job is flexible, to a certain extent, so I come in late when I want to or leave early when I want to, because that's healthy.
My eating has returned to normal, which is still sporadic sometimes, but it's my normal. Sometimes I want to eat lots of meat, sometimes I just want a salad and some vegetables, but it rounds out to a full course balanced meal by the end of the week!

Acceptance
This is where I am approaching. I recognize that things will never be the same again, and it's a good thing. I didn't cause this problem, and I can't cure it, it's not my fault, and it's out of my hands. His things are gone from the apartment, and it's time for me to rebuild my life now.
And I have been rebuilding it. It takes time, but it's so worth it.


This was a helpful exercise for me, in learning to let go, and in moving on. It was also a good refresher, going back and re-reading it, so thank you for that. I hope me posting this has helped you!

nodaybut2day

Just wanted to pop in and wish you luck. You're on your way mama, and before you know it, you'll be waking up everyday, smiling (and you may decide to give up eggs altogether just to avoid those damn shells :P )

veryregretful

Your posting absolutely helped me.

I'm past denial. I'm not covering for him. Making excuses. Telling people its not that bad.

Anger - done. I'm past yelling at him. I don't give him dirty looks, etc. Actually, I'm not even mad at him. I just feel sorry for him.

I have done the bargaining. Giving him ways to stop and fix us. I'll do this if you do that.

Depression - I think I'm pretty much through that. I self-medicated during that time. Now I am on the road to recovery myself so alot of depression has lifted. I want to hang out with my kids. I want to out with my friends. I want to cook dinner. I want to clean house. I do not want to stay in bed all day or on the couch all day. I think I have a little but nothing a little sunshine can't cure.

And acceptance - I have finally accepted that I cannot fix him. He does not want to help himself. I've accepted that how can he love me if he can't even love himself. I've accepted that I have my two children that will love me unconditionally and are the greatest gifts I got. I've accepted that I can only control me.

I think I'm definately ready for the divorce. I feel relieved that people know all. I feel relieved that I can and will be happy again! I already see that coming out. here and there.

I am comfortable with my decision. No regrets and no looking back. I understand it will be tough but want to move forward with my life.

Pelican

Oh my, I'm so glad the only eggshells in my life now are the ones that go in the trash after cracking one open for cooking! The trash is the best place for eggshells!

I found a chapter in Codependent No More by Melody Beattie on the stages of grief. I like her style of writing (conversational, not complicated) and it helped me to recognize my feelings as they showed up.

And they do show up! Sometimes all in the same afternoon!

We're here to support you along the way (((hugs)))

LifeRecovery

Thanks for this.

I am a year out from living on my own and 9 months from divorce.

I have been through the cycle once and am moving through it again (for different reasons though, and it is not as intense as it was). The first go round was about his use of substances and his affair, this time though I seemed to have skipped the bargaining and denial part I have been struggling off and on with anger and depression about hte loss of dreams, lying, trusting myself etc.

This has only been my experience but it was really helpful for me to look up and read that the cycle does not go in order and that you can cycle through more than once. It has helped me to not in addition to the grief cycle struggle with thinking I was crazy.

veryregretful

Thank you,

I don't remember which order I went through them, but I know I did. I am at peace with my decision.

The only thing I'm struggling with is do I tell him to leave I'm divorcing you or wait until he is served papers to leave.

I am nervous about what he would do if I told him to leave. I'm divorcing you. He won't physically hurt me. I know there will be words thrown at me. Can't be any worse than what he has already said. I really don't know know what I'm afraid of. Maybe it is his words because I don't want to listen to them again and bring me back to where I was say one year ago.

Maybe I'm afraid of hurting him. But why? He has hurt me so much and the kids. That shouldn't bother me.

That is the only thing that is bothering me. And also, we see the trustee for bankruptcy in the morning and he will be served that afternoon. That may be a little too much but he needs to leave. That date is still 3 weeks away.

Uuugghhh

Freedom1990

You are not hurting him. He has hurt himself through his continued active alcoholism and the effects it has had on you and the kids.

He is responsible for his pain, not you, even when he has to leave. That is a direct consequence of his own actions.

veryregretful

Thanks Freedom. I needed that

Freedom1990

You are very welcome dear! It's easy for us to take on pain that isn't ours to own when it comes to an active alcoholic.

It's his pain, not yours! You and the kids have enough pain to deal with as it is!

Sending you hugs of support.