Advice?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 2
Advice?
My husband is an alcoholic, has been as long as I've known him. He started drinking at 15. His parents were alcoholics, too. I came from a home where both my parents were drug addicts so it didn't occur to me that his daily drinking was a problem.
He quit drinking (at least I think he did, he probably just cut back) when I asked him to leave in 1998. He came back 6 months later. He kept it cut back for about a year and then went back to full time drinking. I didn't ask him to leave again because he manipulated me into thinking I hurt him so bad he was suicidal and it would happen again. So, feeling like the lowest human being on earth, I accepted the verbal abuse he was dishing out.
I withdrew from society basically, I never went anywhere, didn't talk to people. I'm not even sure how I managed to maintain gainful employment.
Fast forward to 2009. He gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech" and I found out he was having an affair. He left.
During that time, I found Marriage Builders and was working the program to stop the affair. Yeah, it didn't work. Turns out nothing works when the spouse is an alcoholic.
This year, after many false recoveries to our marriage I "woke" up. I realized my withdrawal was due to the many abuses (never physical). I got stronger, I know what I want now and am reading books on verbal abuse and trying to take back my life.
The problem is him. He won't stop drinking. He verbally abuses the entire family while he's drinking (he thinks we don't know he's drinking because he keeps his bottles in his truck) and refuses to leave. I don't have the option to leave because I'm buying a house in my name and I'll be damned if I'm just going to give it to him to live in while leaving me and my 3 kids homeless.
His doctor put him on Antabuse, but it doesn't work. When he does try to make it seem like he's trying and takes it, he just gets sick, throws up and then drinks more.
He's called AA before, but never follows through. I've taken steps in asserting myself and calling him out when he's being abusive and explaining to the kids about WHY their father is like this but I'm desperate for peace now. I don't love him anymore and I can't figure out how to get him to leave, or enter a recovery program and TRY to restore my love.
Any advice?
He quit drinking (at least I think he did, he probably just cut back) when I asked him to leave in 1998. He came back 6 months later. He kept it cut back for about a year and then went back to full time drinking. I didn't ask him to leave again because he manipulated me into thinking I hurt him so bad he was suicidal and it would happen again. So, feeling like the lowest human being on earth, I accepted the verbal abuse he was dishing out.
I withdrew from society basically, I never went anywhere, didn't talk to people. I'm not even sure how I managed to maintain gainful employment.
Fast forward to 2009. He gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech" and I found out he was having an affair. He left.
During that time, I found Marriage Builders and was working the program to stop the affair. Yeah, it didn't work. Turns out nothing works when the spouse is an alcoholic.
This year, after many false recoveries to our marriage I "woke" up. I realized my withdrawal was due to the many abuses (never physical). I got stronger, I know what I want now and am reading books on verbal abuse and trying to take back my life.
The problem is him. He won't stop drinking. He verbally abuses the entire family while he's drinking (he thinks we don't know he's drinking because he keeps his bottles in his truck) and refuses to leave. I don't have the option to leave because I'm buying a house in my name and I'll be damned if I'm just going to give it to him to live in while leaving me and my 3 kids homeless.
His doctor put him on Antabuse, but it doesn't work. When he does try to make it seem like he's trying and takes it, he just gets sick, throws up and then drinks more.
He's called AA before, but never follows through. I've taken steps in asserting myself and calling him out when he's being abusive and explaining to the kids about WHY their father is like this but I'm desperate for peace now. I don't love him anymore and I can't figure out how to get him to leave, or enter a recovery program and TRY to restore my love.
Any advice?
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
There are lots of free resources available to those who have been abused, regardless of the level of abuse. This includes free legal counsel over the phone, to investigate your options. If you call one of the numbers for your area, and tell them how you're looking for advice about your house, they can tell you the appropriate phone number to call.
And of course, if you just want to talk, they're available to listen, too.
I don't have any advice from personal experience.
In my case, XABF didn't know that technically he could have fought to remain in my apartment. His legal address was still his mother's house, and his name wasn't on the lease, so he assumed incorrectly that I could legally change the locks on him and he'd have no course of action. (I am fortunate that his daughter the lawyer decided not to correct his false assumptions. She disapproved of the whole dynamic between the two of us, and how I handled some things, and chewed me up royally about it to the point where I know it's no good for my health to talk to her - but she backed me up where it really mattered, and I am forever grateful.)
And of course, if you just want to talk, they're available to listen, too.
I don't have any advice from personal experience.
In my case, XABF didn't know that technically he could have fought to remain in my apartment. His legal address was still his mother's house, and his name wasn't on the lease, so he assumed incorrectly that I could legally change the locks on him and he'd have no course of action. (I am fortunate that his daughter the lawyer decided not to correct his false assumptions. She disapproved of the whole dynamic between the two of us, and how I handled some things, and chewed me up royally about it to the point where I know it's no good for my health to talk to her - but she backed me up where it really mattered, and I am forever grateful.)
Originally Posted by ICU 
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Perhaps it's time to consult with an attorney, and explore all you legal options. Your house seems to be the "glue" which is keeping the two of you together. Can you legally separate and have him removed from the home?
I am sorry to hear what you are living, sending you strength................ All my best to you.
I am sorry to hear what you are living, sending you strength................ All my best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 2
There's no legal separation in Florida. Also, in Florida, it doesn't matter that the house and mortgage is in my name only, if I file for divorce, the court can make me sell the house, because marriage automatically gives him legal right to it.
I've seen him sober. I love him sober, but he's killing himself now and making sure to go out with a bang. His friends rarely contact him anymore and it doesn't even matter as they all have drinking problems, as well.
How can you make someone enter recovery? He's spent a week in rehab and only calls AA the morning after I start packing bags. I have no family that can help (I'm the only one without addiction issues).
I already consulted a lawyer and they weren't helpful. All they did was warn me that recording our conversations (when he's being abusive) is a felony and Florida law says that because we're married he has right to everything of mine. He has enough of the medications from rehab to go to court completely sober and make me look like a crazy person.
So I have proof of his abuse that I can't use, and if I file for divorce, I'll lose my home.
I've seen him sober. I love him sober, but he's killing himself now and making sure to go out with a bang. His friends rarely contact him anymore and it doesn't even matter as they all have drinking problems, as well.
How can you make someone enter recovery? He's spent a week in rehab and only calls AA the morning after I start packing bags. I have no family that can help (I'm the only one without addiction issues).
I already consulted a lawyer and they weren't helpful. All they did was warn me that recording our conversations (when he's being abusive) is a felony and Florida law says that because we're married he has right to everything of mine. He has enough of the medications from rehab to go to court completely sober and make me look like a crazy person.
So I have proof of his abuse that I can't use, and if I file for divorce, I'll lose my home.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
As they say around here let go or be dragged.
You get to decide what is worth more, a house or the total well being and welfare of you and your kids............... I am sorry, this awful disease continues to destroy families.
May you find peace.........
You get to decide what is worth more, a house or the total well being and welfare of you and your kids............... I am sorry, this awful disease continues to destroy families.
May you find peace.........
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: INDIANA
Posts: 39
I have no expierence with divorce in the state of Florida, so I have nothing to share on that. I don't know how you can get him to leave legally.
I am sad that you are facing this situation. If him verbally abusing the entire family inclueds the three kids, you may call Family Services in your area. They may be able to help you if the children are being abused. You can always call annonmously and ask questions.
In my expierence, you can not get an A into recovery. They have to want it and do it themselves. If you are ever fortunate enough to meet someone who knows how to make an A get into recovery, please message me. You can sometimes make them attend recovery meetings and AA (for a time), but I have not met anyone who can "get them into recovery" Also in my expierence, if he gets into recovery that does not guarantee you will be able to restore your love.
What I do know, is that Alanon meetings, working steps and a sponsor have helped me to find some peace and serenity in my life wether the alcholic is drinking or not. If you have not tried Alanon, i highly recomend it. I too was isolating myself socially from friends and family. I too was trying to make my A get help. This all left me exhausted and depressed. But the Alanon program is helping me to realize I will be Ok and I can be happy and live my life weather the A drinks or not.
Take Care of Yourself, Amanda
I am sad that you are facing this situation. If him verbally abusing the entire family inclueds the three kids, you may call Family Services in your area. They may be able to help you if the children are being abused. You can always call annonmously and ask questions.
In my expierence, you can not get an A into recovery. They have to want it and do it themselves. If you are ever fortunate enough to meet someone who knows how to make an A get into recovery, please message me. You can sometimes make them attend recovery meetings and AA (for a time), but I have not met anyone who can "get them into recovery" Also in my expierence, if he gets into recovery that does not guarantee you will be able to restore your love.
What I do know, is that Alanon meetings, working steps and a sponsor have helped me to find some peace and serenity in my life wether the alcholic is drinking or not. If you have not tried Alanon, i highly recomend it. I too was isolating myself socially from friends and family. I too was trying to make my A get help. This all left me exhausted and depressed. But the Alanon program is helping me to realize I will be Ok and I can be happy and live my life weather the A drinks or not.
Take Care of Yourself, Amanda
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by ticktock
I'm desperate for peace now. I don't love him anymore and I can't figure out how to get him to leave, or enter a recovery program and TRY to restore my love.
Any advice?
Any advice?
Enjoy.
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