S0Confused

I have been dating a woman for a little over a year. She is 27, I am 35.

She has a beautiful 4 year old and they have been living with me for the last 5 months. Recently I have discovered that she is an alcoholic and although she was never obviously drunk, it became a huge deal for me due to the lies and betrayal.

She has entered into rehab (on her own will and wants to change and get this under control, so she says) for a 30 day treatment with her daughter and has finished about 10 days of it. I have only talked to her 3 times for a very short time during.

My question is this:

I am a young, financially retired man, who likes to socialize, travel, play golf, etc... and many of these things involve social drinking. How would my current lifestyle possibly fit into the life of a recovering alcoholic?

I hope I dont come off as sounding selfish, but after a year with this woman (who has lied and hid this from me from day one), I dont KNOW her and it hurts me so badly. First of all... what are the odds that she does stay straight? Secondly, how will a life of leisure and travel be good for someone in this situation?

She has not had to work. We spend every day together.

Is sticking around a BAD thing for her? If I love her, do I stay with her and help her.... or do I recognize this situation as something that is out of my hands and damaging for her and walk away (which would completely tear my heart out).

I have worked very hard to enjoy a certain life and I do not feel that COMPLETELY changing my life for someone of whom Ive known for a year and also who has been deceitful during that time would be fair to me OR her.

This has got to be one of the most difficult things I have gone through because we have become so close (as a family), but life as we ALL know it will have to change and I am just confused.

I HATE that I feel guilty for being selfish because I have always been one to put others problems before mine, however... this is a HUGE deal.

Can anyone... PLEASE give me some input?

Thank you so much

Bc

S0Confused

BTW,

She tells me that she loves me and that I am everything to her and that she wants to make this right. She cries. She tells me that "Nothing I can say will bring back this trust, but I swear I will prove it to you..in time". She and I are so close, but then again, how close are we when she can lie to me and betray our bond.

I just dont know what to do. Leave her because its not fair to me or her due to my lifestyle..... OR stay with her and change my life WITHOUT knowing for sure that she can stay sober. UGH... So lost

TakingCharge999

Hi welcome to SR,

If she has lied, how can you trust her? you can't.
Promises are meaningless without solid, constant actions.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.

"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. YouÇll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"

But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.

Some people here distance themselves from their partners, at least for a few months, or ask for a 1 year AA chip before talking to them again. That seems like a healthy boundary. The ones who truly want to change take months, even years, and they are aware of their daily actions and how it affects others around them. A month in rehab does not prove much. Around here they say to mute the words and see the actions, there you have reality.

Its great you are placing yourself first.

And no, I wouldn't want to miss events or parties because my partner has an issue. I would resent him. Or I would be anxious and walking on eggshells every.single.time there is alcohol available. Or wondering if he is saying the truth or not.

That is no way to live. Perhaps take some time off would help.


Check out the Sticky section on top of the page! lots of useful articles.

Welcome again, this is a great forum where much healing takes place every day.

S0Confused

Thank you for that TC999. Your response stings me a bit because that is already what I was fearing. It is very hard to walk away from someone in such pain and I have one of the biggest hearts around, however due to soo many people taking advantage of my kindness (friends, family, girl friends) I have learned to TRY and tough out my gut feelings and leave when that little voice tells me to.

One of the hardest things to do is not only leave my new loving clan, but walk away from one of the most precious little girls I have ever met. Do I have to walk away from them completely until more has been proven by my AGF or should I choose to stay in their lives and try to be a positive support system without enabling?

Oh how this hurts.

I need to say this: 9 years ago she got addicted to cocaine and for the last 6, she has not touched it once (so she says, but this I actually do believe).

Obviously she has an addictive personality and will battle these demons for the rest of her life. Why does it seem or fee that Alcoholics have been given a death sentence? I am supposed to just walk away because she has a problem and I am supposed to put my life first. It makes me feel so sad for her and her daughter! There is nothing i can do and on top of all of that, the life we started and loved is no more and never will be again. That is tough.

Is this the end of us? Are there other options that are realistic? Should I pick up the shattered pieces and just move on?

TakingCharge999

Yes ...I know how much it hurts

I had an XABF just like that. I still miss him as a friend. Mourning an active alcoholic was the most difficult thing I did. This man keeps being in denial, it has been 3 years. But you know what, he is still who he is. I would have wasted and waited 3 years for him to wake up. My life has improved since I started looking into why I chose emotionally unavailable partners.


I recommend the following books by Melody Beatty:

"Language of letting go"
"Codependent no more"
"The grief club" (talks about dealing with change, there's a chapter dedicated to losing an alcoholic)

I will say what has helped me take better choices:

-A therapist with experience in addiction and codependency.


It is totally worth it and I am healing in many other ways, not only about the Ex. I realized why I have been a doormat all my life. As usual I was looking for my dad, his acknowledgment and approval. He has always been cold and distant. So what else than an alcoholic, cold and distant to try to gain acknowledgment and approval this time? we keep repeating the same story, what we learned as kids.

Only in therapy have I learned about the why's behind my actions, and finally stopped suffering, started to say "No" (FEELS GOOD!) and stopped trying to get bread from the hardware store.

Supposedly a partner has to give you all of what you are willing to give him/her.
There has to be balance, usually between alcoholic and enabler, there is a selfish one that takes, takes and takes more, and an enabler who is giving, giving, giving until exhaustion.... or until death.

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Eight Ball

Being compassionate, supportive etc are great values to have, but as long as it is done in a healthy way. I know that I have not been very healthy in my heart, head or soul. I have stayed with my AH way past what was healthy for me.

You dont sound selfish to me, you sound healthy. Healthy people put themselves first, not in a selfish way but in a way that they know they are doing the right thing for themselves, maintain healthy boundaries and only accept healthy behaviors or people to surround them.

My best friend always tells me 'we only live once and we need to make the most of it'. Its a saying we all know but I know I never 'lived' by it.

LifeRecovery

Selfish to me is not the same as self care. I struggle at times to differentiate between them though and often think I am being selfish when in actuality I am just filling up my own glass.

The part that helps me in all of this is that I cannot be a supportive, loving person without my glass filled up. When I am giving so much of myself that I don't replenish myself I am usually harming everyone in the situation.

I agree with all the info above. I have also found a lot of support from Al-Anon and reading about addiction in general has been incredibly helpful, as has joining and posting here.

dollydo

That is exactly what you should do, take care of yourself. Living with an alcoholic is a rocky road at best. The disease takes prisoners, not only the alcoholic, but, those who have a relationship with them.

This will be a life long battle for her to fight. There is no cure for this disease, it is only a matter of whether she is sober and in recovery, or not.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this, yet, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, use it, you already know the answer.

Take care!