He's "cured" of his alcoholism? Not a relapse unless he's getting drunk?
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He's "cured" of his alcoholism? Not a relapse unless he's getting drunk?
Hi all. So, my brother is an alcoholic, but of course, it took him almost two years of making everyone's lives miserable before he finally faced this fact. During that time, I became the evil witch in the family, because I insisted he had a problem. My dad was in denial, my eldest brother was HORRIBLE to me. Meanwhile, my brother ran around driving drunk, made comments about killing my cat, and was very (passive/aggressively) angry with me, and I basically feared for my safety and it was just a horrible time.
I desperately tried to find a job so that I could move out, but YAY, horrible economy! I did get a part time temp. job, but didn't make enough to move out, so I decided to apply to graduate school. I got in, moved about four hundred miles away, and no longer have to deal with his BS. But I still get to hear about it, and it STILL gets to me, especially since I fear I'll have to move back in with my dad after graduating next year.
So, here's the history: My brother started drinking heavily in 2007. He got a DUI in 2009, in which he got his license briefly suspended, a day in jail, and an ignition interlock device put in his car. My dad and I had to bring him to the ER several times, in which his alcohol levels were dangerously high. Last September, he finally went to an in-patient rehab for a month, and seemed to be doing well after that.
But this July was his high school reunion, in which he announced that he would most likely drink, because he could control it now. Even his therapist told him, "Maybe in a few years you'll be able to drink again without it being a problem," so he wanted to prove to EVERYONE that he could do it sooner, and that he was CURED. So, he went to his reunion and drank, but it doesn't count as a relapse because he didn't get drunk don't you know! (Or so he says; he did choose to spend the night at the hotel where the reunion took place.)
I spoke to my dad last night on the phone, and he told me that my brother is drinking, but isn't getting drunk, and "is doing good so far!
"
I'm so angry about this. I mean, he isn't CURED, right? Does an alcoholic have to get drunk to relapse? My thinking is that if drinking is SO important to him that he has to have alcohol in his life, he is still a very sick man. But my whole family treats me like I'm a hysterical idiot. It's incredibly frustrating.
Sorry for sounding so mean and nasty. I just hate how alone I feel about this whole thing, and how sad and frustrating it is.
(PS: I have been to al-anon. I went regularly while I was still living at home, and am probably going to a meeting tonight since I'm all riled up.)
I desperately tried to find a job so that I could move out, but YAY, horrible economy! I did get a part time temp. job, but didn't make enough to move out, so I decided to apply to graduate school. I got in, moved about four hundred miles away, and no longer have to deal with his BS. But I still get to hear about it, and it STILL gets to me, especially since I fear I'll have to move back in with my dad after graduating next year.
So, here's the history: My brother started drinking heavily in 2007. He got a DUI in 2009, in which he got his license briefly suspended, a day in jail, and an ignition interlock device put in his car. My dad and I had to bring him to the ER several times, in which his alcohol levels were dangerously high. Last September, he finally went to an in-patient rehab for a month, and seemed to be doing well after that.
But this July was his high school reunion, in which he announced that he would most likely drink, because he could control it now. Even his therapist told him, "Maybe in a few years you'll be able to drink again without it being a problem," so he wanted to prove to EVERYONE that he could do it sooner, and that he was CURED. So, he went to his reunion and drank, but it doesn't count as a relapse because he didn't get drunk don't you know! (Or so he says; he did choose to spend the night at the hotel where the reunion took place.)
I spoke to my dad last night on the phone, and he told me that my brother is drinking, but isn't getting drunk, and "is doing good so far!
"I'm so angry about this. I mean, he isn't CURED, right? Does an alcoholic have to get drunk to relapse? My thinking is that if drinking is SO important to him that he has to have alcohol in his life, he is still a very sick man. But my whole family treats me like I'm a hysterical idiot. It's incredibly frustrating.
Sorry for sounding so mean and nasty. I just hate how alone I feel about this whole thing, and how sad and frustrating it is.
(PS: I have been to al-anon. I went regularly while I was still living at home, and am probably going to a meeting tonight since I'm all riled up.)
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I can tell you are very upset about all of this, since it seems obvious to you that your family doesn't understand the magnitude of the problem.
But a lot of what you are talking about is what MAY happen. He MAY go back to full-blown alcoholism. You MAY have to move back in. It MAY be a problem.
However, none of that is carved in stone. Life in today's world is so very stressful - please don't wear yourself down with what MAY happen.
Perhaps you could do some personal networking while you are at school? Find 2 or 3 other graduate students in your class who may have to face a tough job market and maybe share an apartment? Don't give up your hard earned serenity to anxiety and the "what ifs"! We have all been there - worrying about everything, all the time. It just gets you an ulcer.
And at least you have Al-Anon - and that is available in almost every area of the world. You have friends you didn't know you had as soon as you walk in the door!
Stay strong!
But a lot of what you are talking about is what MAY happen. He MAY go back to full-blown alcoholism. You MAY have to move back in. It MAY be a problem.
However, none of that is carved in stone. Life in today's world is so very stressful - please don't wear yourself down with what MAY happen.
Perhaps you could do some personal networking while you are at school? Find 2 or 3 other graduate students in your class who may have to face a tough job market and maybe share an apartment? Don't give up your hard earned serenity to anxiety and the "what ifs"! We have all been there - worrying about everything, all the time. It just gets you an ulcer.
And at least you have Al-Anon - and that is available in almost every area of the world. You have friends you didn't know you had as soon as you walk in the door!
Stay strong!
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
I can sympathize with you. I went so much craziness with my husband that. And, in my mind, there is no way my husband can drink again without relapsing.
And it does bother me if a younger guy comes along who has suffered from alcoholism and says that there are able to still drink, but they only drink moderately at this point. My husband is 39 years old, and he has been drinking since college. Perhaps there may be more hope for a younger person who overcomes their addiction to drink moderately for the future. But in humility, I do feel most alcoholics who truly want to recover end up focusing on their sobriety--which is what AA is all about.
And your brother could have a really bad relapse in the future. My husband had really bad relapses after job losses and other stressful events that happened in the past couple of years.
And it does bother me if a younger guy comes along who has suffered from alcoholism and says that there are able to still drink, but they only drink moderately at this point. My husband is 39 years old, and he has been drinking since college. Perhaps there may be more hope for a younger person who overcomes their addiction to drink moderately for the future. But in humility, I do feel most alcoholics who truly want to recover end up focusing on their sobriety--which is what AA is all about.
And your brother could have a really bad relapse in the future. My husband had really bad relapses after job losses and other stressful events that happened in the past couple of years.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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I agree with purple squirrel. I'm sure you can find a way not to have to move back home if you really put your mind to it. I'm also sure you're not the only one out there who needs help getting a place to live. Post a note on the school bulletin board for roommates. Check to see what ads are already there looking for roommates, too. Ask around and check newspaper ads. You have options, but you may need to dig around a little to find them all.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Try to allow it to move farther and farther back down the list as a priority in your mind everyday to manage his life, his drinking, his addicition, and allow your own life to continue creepig up and taking its proper place at the top of the list.
Hey, If your dad thinks he is doing great so far, then let him have at it.
You are far away living your life.
If you worked hard and tended to his health more than he did and he was ungrateful and now is potentially squandering his hard work towrd health, that is his problem.
I agree, try to take the what ifs out of the picture, limit contact (or at least Brother updates) with family.
If he falls back to that awful life, it is his doing and only he can lift himself up again.
I will say this: His making the conscious beforehand decision to drink at a reunion does not sound like recovery, and also people who have alcohol problems drink to get drunk, not to be social, or they would have a ginger f*c*ing ale.
Hey, If your dad thinks he is doing great so far, then let him have at it.
You are far away living your life.
If you worked hard and tended to his health more than he did and he was ungrateful and now is potentially squandering his hard work towrd health, that is his problem.
I agree, try to take the what ifs out of the picture, limit contact (or at least Brother updates) with family.
If he falls back to that awful life, it is his doing and only he can lift himself up again.
I will say this: His making the conscious beforehand decision to drink at a reunion does not sound like recovery, and also people who have alcohol problems drink to get drunk, not to be social, or they would have a ginger f*c*ing ale.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Dealing with your brother must be frustrating.
Dealing with your family's denial must be infuriating.
Neither will recover, until they do.
You are on your way to recovery. Keep working on it. And yes, I think I would ask your family to limit their discussions on your brother and I think you should find a way to stay elsewhere when done your program.
Wishing you the best.
Dealing with your family's denial must be infuriating.
Neither will recover, until they do.
You are on your way to recovery. Keep working on it. And yes, I think I would ask your family to limit their discussions on your brother and I think you should find a way to stay elsewhere when done your program.
Wishing you the best.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by sarahsnow 
So, he went to his reunion and drank, but it doesn't count as a relapse because he didn't get drunk don't you know! (Or so he says; he did choose to spend the night at the hotel where the reunion took place.)
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: boston ma
Posts: 70
This is such a frustrating disease! I will try not to give advice, but just let u know I've been in that head space before. Its so hard when you feel like you know what is true and what is really going on. It sounds like you love your brother and genuinely want what's "best" for him and your family.
However, we can only make the best choices for our own lives. Even if u do have the perfect solution or plan, you can only control things in your life. You sound so smart, and together. Moving so far and starting grad school ( and getting in, congrats!!) are such great moves for you and your life.
One of the hardest things when I separated from AH was stopping that obsessive need to tell him and inlaws about the drinking, how serious it was, etc. But it just does not matter. You voiced your opinion, and now your brothers and your dad each have their own path. Each with their own choices! Even if we all agree with you(which I am sure we would. Lol), your family may not. If it gets you "riled up" and angry to worry, then do all you can to make your life happy and peaceful. You so deserve that!
So, I guess that did come off As advice, lol. But just take care of you. After all, that really is all we can do.!!! But yes, just sitting with that is very frustrating.
Good luck!
However, we can only make the best choices for our own lives. Even if u do have the perfect solution or plan, you can only control things in your life. You sound so smart, and together. Moving so far and starting grad school ( and getting in, congrats!!) are such great moves for you and your life.
One of the hardest things when I separated from AH was stopping that obsessive need to tell him and inlaws about the drinking, how serious it was, etc. But it just does not matter. You voiced your opinion, and now your brothers and your dad each have their own path. Each with their own choices! Even if we all agree with you(which I am sure we would. Lol), your family may not. If it gets you "riled up" and angry to worry, then do all you can to make your life happy and peaceful. You so deserve that!
So, I guess that did come off As advice, lol. But just take care of you. After all, that really is all we can do.!!! But yes, just sitting with that is very frustrating.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Hes getting hauled off to the ER for being excessively drunk yet he thinks he can drink normally? Yikes, not very likely. He has been in trouble with law also due to his drunkeness. It's a 1 in 1000 chance that he will be able to drink normally. Yet most alcoholics (myself included) seem to think that we are that 1 in 1,000 person who can moderate. We can't and that alcoholism.
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Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Sarah,
Sounds like quite the circus. But how is that your concern? I get that you are concerned about your brothers well being, but how is it your responsibility?
Obviously, your brother has done a fantastic job of convincing himself he's aok. And that therapist should be embarrassed if he/she actually made that statement... or it's just as likely your bro cherry picked her words and gave himself that permission. But that is the nature of alcoholism - it's survival based on the delusion that things are normal and fine. Until your brother comes to the conclusion that things are neither normal nor fine, nobody is going to be able to get through to him. But if he's an alcoholic (and it sure sounds that way from your post) there will be plenty of evidence coming his way if he continues to drink.
My advice is to get to that meeting, have a great time in grad school, and get busy with your career and your life once you graduate. This is your life - not a dress rehearsal. Others may choose to spend their lives in the insanity of addiction, and that's their choice. Even though every other person in your family may choose that insanity, it has no bearing on your choice. So choose well, and be good to yourself. When your brother comes to his senses, you can make an effort to help. Right now, that's a waste of time and heartache.
Sounds like quite the circus. But how is that your concern? I get that you are concerned about your brothers well being, but how is it your responsibility?
Obviously, your brother has done a fantastic job of convincing himself he's aok. And that therapist should be embarrassed if he/she actually made that statement... or it's just as likely your bro cherry picked her words and gave himself that permission. But that is the nature of alcoholism - it's survival based on the delusion that things are normal and fine. Until your brother comes to the conclusion that things are neither normal nor fine, nobody is going to be able to get through to him. But if he's an alcoholic (and it sure sounds that way from your post) there will be plenty of evidence coming his way if he continues to drink.
My advice is to get to that meeting, have a great time in grad school, and get busy with your career and your life once you graduate. This is your life - not a dress rehearsal. Others may choose to spend their lives in the insanity of addiction, and that's their choice. Even though every other person in your family may choose that insanity, it has no bearing on your choice. So choose well, and be good to yourself. When your brother comes to his senses, you can make an effort to help. Right now, that's a waste of time and heartache.
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