123bertie

Hi everyone, this is the first time i've posted so i apologize in advance if its lengthy. Basically, im 17 and i've grown up with an alcoholic father. Due to my dad being an alcoholic my parents divorced in 2005 and me, my sister (19) and my brother (10) lived with my mum. My dad was still in our lives but was in and out due to his drinking. My mum was great to us she gave us such a happy childhood and would do anything for us until she met this one man D. D was 20 odd years older than her, a friend of my dads and a horrific gambler and drinker. Everyone warned my mum of him but she never listened. During the 3 years of being with D i had never felt so low in my life my mum would stumble in at the early hours of the morning completely drunk and sometimes half dressed. During them times our dad was stable and was good to us and always supported us through my mums rebellious stage! Thankfully she realised what it was doing to her 3 kids and ended things with D and things started to get better but she was still drinking quite heavily. Sadly last year my dad died at 47 due to cirrhosis of the liver due to his drinking. It was such a hard time for us all and we'd been through so much together it was tragic and im still struggling to cope but have to be strong for my brother and sister. After that i thought how could things get any worse than loosing my dad but things just got worse and worse.

My mum behaviour just went downhill she wasnt there for us emotionally to help with the loss of our dad and was too busy complaining about her own life. My mum is an alcoholic She wont admit it and has become a different person. I used to have so much respect for her but its hard to when shes like this. She puts her boyfriends before us and bad mouths us to all her friends claiming we made her life like hell and meeting my dad ruined her life. She doesnt know how it feels to hear the one person in our lives making us out to be monsters. I dont feel like i can talk to my mum about anything, especially her drinking. My sister and my mum have just stopped talking completely and my sister always says how she will have nothing to do with her ever again this is how bad its gotten. She makes me feel its our fault for her drinking and tells us how shes so alone and unhappy, but arent we enough for her and shouldnt we be enough for her to stop drinking? 6 nights out of 7 we argue in this house and she says some very nasty things but the next morning shes convinced me and my siblings attacked her and so goes and slags us off to people. We have no support with this and are at wits end. Theres so much more to this but i dont want to go on anymore but if anyone can give me advise on what to do it would be much appreciated.

MsPINKAcres

((123bertie))

Welcome to our SR family - first let me say, please accept my sympathy in the loss of your father and the way that the disease of alcoholism has taken your mother out of your life right now.

Also, may I share this recovery fact with you . . .

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

Your Mom may be an alcoholic, but it's NOT your fault - regardless of how many times she says it or how many people she tells it too.

If you have the opportunity to attend some Al-Anon or Alateen meetings - these may also help you to heal from the affects of having parents with drinking problems.

Please continue to read here, post and look for help - It has been a great resource for me to heal from the pain and scars I have from several alcoholic/addict family members.

PINK HUGS,
Rita

TakingCharge999

Dear 123, I am sorry you have gone through so much.

My dad has been absent most of my life due to his work, a divorce and a marriage to another woman. My mom has been a physical presence but she has been depressed all her life, an isolated existence.

I have been healing this huge absence reaching out to healthy role models. Who else do you have in your life ? any teacher, counselor, friend´s parents that you can trust or would be able to open up with ? does your school have counseling ? building a support system in real life is very important. Otherwise the loneliness becomes unbearable. I was there many months, just cried and kept to myself. That is NO way to live...

You have a new set of wonderful friends that get you.. US
We care about you, keep posting, let us know how you are doing.

If you were my little sister I would recommend Alateen, have you checked if there is one in your area? have you talked to your older sister about Alateen? perhaps you could go together..? there is an online group also

Welcome to Alateen Chat


Could you get some distance away from your mom? take a walk... or go to your room ... ? do you have any neighbors you can trust.. ?
Words can hurt more than anything, hurtful words pierce our hearts. But healing is possible.

Sending you hugs.

painterman

What a mature and understanding 17 year old you are. How crazy it seems for your mum to expect you to solve her problems when you are the one who should be getting help and support. I have a similar situation with my partner, when she drinks it's always someone else's fault, then next day depressive silence. We have two teenage daughters who have had to witness all sorts of crap, but thankfully they are both stable, intelligent people who, like yourself, have an understanding of the situation. I am new here also, I think if you keep talking here and follow the advice on groups etc you will get through this. NONE of this is your fault, you are the sane one-always remember that, and try not to get drawn into irrational arguments.

FindingPeace1

You may feel like you are falling apart, but the maturity it takes to look at your situation like you have and see it, takes wisdom.

I agree with googling/searching in the paper for alateen in your area (or even alanon if there is no alateen), as well as going to your school counselor. Counseling can be expensive, but if your school provides it, take advantage!
A trusted teacher or adult friend is a second choice.
Find someone to talk to, for sure. It is a comfort and the main thing is it is a reminder that YOU are not crazy or bad. You have parents that have/had addictions and it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
To remember this takes work, given all the gunk your mom is saying.

Your work now at 17 is beginning to realize your mom is dysfunctional, and even though she is saying you have ruined her life, she is responsible for her life. Similarly, you are responsible for yours and you have the opportunity to develop a life that is fun and peaceful and interesting and happy. You don't have long before you graduate...one more year? Then you can get some space. I know your little siblings are still at home, but take it one day at a time. Work on taking care of you today and being kind to yourself.
We are here for you.

finding peace

123bertie

thanks everyone for your advice
and to answer some of your questions no i dont talk to anyone about it nobody has any idea. When my dad died we told everyone (school, friends ect) that his heart gave up because we were ashamed of his alcoholism. I tried counseling but i found it didnt help me personally but i have a boyfriend who i've been with for 2yrs who also lost his dad recently so we have eachother for support. Thanks again everyone glad i found this place!