Crumbling marriage of 16 years
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Crumbling marriage of 16 years
Hello, I'm new here and am introducing myself. Nearly 16 years ago I married a handsome, fun, social man who was my best friend. We have four children together who are mostly teens. I'm 42 and he's 49. I have been a full-time mom all these years. We've had a pretty happy life together. I am grieving the loss of the super guy I married. I see glimpses of him here and there. I am having to face that fact that my marriage is probably over, despite the fact that I don't want it to be.
Our story is a classic one. My husband's occasional social drinking ratcheted up over the years. It crept up on me. I've been worried for 7 years, scared for 5, and have known for the past 2 years that I was in deep trouble. My husband never hit me, screamed at me, or blew money. It has just been a long, slow demise. My husband became angry at me constantly, finding fault in everything I did. He rarely touched me or said a kind word or smiled at me. He'd gripe about being the one to work, and wanted me to go back to work AND raise the kids and keep the home. I felt like I was going crazy. I was miserable.
The kids became very tense around him because he'd come home from work and just start in on them about stupid stuff (I realized later that he was drinking at work before driving home). No one looked forward to Daddy coming home at night anymore but rather dreaded it.
In May, I made the decision that I would no longer enable him and keep myself and our kids in such a toxic life and asked him to leave. This was after spending Easter Sunday by myself with the kids while he drank all day, and finding umpteen bottles of vodka stashed in our cars, sheds, and his office. I had had ENOUGH. He has been living separately since. It has been very tough at times but the peace I've felt without the cloud of his presence has been profound.
I love my husband very much, but not enough to let him pull me and our kids down into the pit with him.
We've been in counseling for over a year, both together and separately. My husband no longer drinks heavily or even daily, he still does drink alcohol. He attended one AA meeting but felt it was "below" him. Whatever! He admits he was way overdoing it and can now have just a beer. Yeah, right. He is adamant that he does not have a problem. He shifts blame for his drinking to stress about work, me, kids, me, me (did I mention he blames his drinking on ME?) Again, classic alcoholic. He is not allowed to have alcohol around me or the kids. Last week we went to the county fair, and when we passed the beer stands I could just feel him jonesin' for a drink. He was grumpy at me the rest of the evening. Funny, but the whole scene just further confirmed that he's an alcoholic.
My husband comes from a long line of major alcoholics. His father and grandfather drank themselves to death. Both of his brothers are severe alcoholics. His family calls it "the family curse."
I am attending Al-Anon and have educated myself a great deal. I consider myself pretty savvy about addiction. I've drawn a line and am holding it with my husband.
We own a business that has been financially very successful for us. My husband is the CEO. That also means my husband has no boss, very little accountability, and a lot of free time and flexibility in his schedule. It has made for an easy place to pre-drink before heading home, for sure, or to disappear to for hours on the weekends "to catch up on work" to drink and surf the web, or take a half or full day off to sit at home in our barn and "relax". I'm really struggling with is the alcoholic lying. I've been troubled by strange things in our business and have dug into them since we separated. I've discovered that my husband has run this corporation really shoddily. We sat down and agreed that some things needed to change. We pay for full family medical 100% (amazing, yes) for our employees and their spouses and kids. The cost is killing us --- I discovered we were $300k in the hole and that my husband had used our own personal $300k to plug that hole! My husband and I made the decision to cut the full-family medical and announced to the employees we'd be doing so in an afford to get into the black again. It was either this or do layoffs. The employees pitched a huge fit. I believe my husband was so scared they'd walk, he caved and retracted this cut ---- telling me casually after the fact. I was beyond livid and felt totally betrayed by him.
Of course I am getting good legal advice, and I'm smart, but beyond that, how do you content with the constant lying and deceit in an alcoholic?
Thanks for listening. This all sucks so much. I just want to feel sane again.
Our story is a classic one. My husband's occasional social drinking ratcheted up over the years. It crept up on me. I've been worried for 7 years, scared for 5, and have known for the past 2 years that I was in deep trouble. My husband never hit me, screamed at me, or blew money. It has just been a long, slow demise. My husband became angry at me constantly, finding fault in everything I did. He rarely touched me or said a kind word or smiled at me. He'd gripe about being the one to work, and wanted me to go back to work AND raise the kids and keep the home. I felt like I was going crazy. I was miserable.
The kids became very tense around him because he'd come home from work and just start in on them about stupid stuff (I realized later that he was drinking at work before driving home). No one looked forward to Daddy coming home at night anymore but rather dreaded it.
In May, I made the decision that I would no longer enable him and keep myself and our kids in such a toxic life and asked him to leave. This was after spending Easter Sunday by myself with the kids while he drank all day, and finding umpteen bottles of vodka stashed in our cars, sheds, and his office. I had had ENOUGH. He has been living separately since. It has been very tough at times but the peace I've felt without the cloud of his presence has been profound.
I love my husband very much, but not enough to let him pull me and our kids down into the pit with him.
We've been in counseling for over a year, both together and separately. My husband no longer drinks heavily or even daily, he still does drink alcohol. He attended one AA meeting but felt it was "below" him. Whatever! He admits he was way overdoing it and can now have just a beer. Yeah, right. He is adamant that he does not have a problem. He shifts blame for his drinking to stress about work, me, kids, me, me (did I mention he blames his drinking on ME?) Again, classic alcoholic. He is not allowed to have alcohol around me or the kids. Last week we went to the county fair, and when we passed the beer stands I could just feel him jonesin' for a drink. He was grumpy at me the rest of the evening. Funny, but the whole scene just further confirmed that he's an alcoholic.
My husband comes from a long line of major alcoholics. His father and grandfather drank themselves to death. Both of his brothers are severe alcoholics. His family calls it "the family curse."
I am attending Al-Anon and have educated myself a great deal. I consider myself pretty savvy about addiction. I've drawn a line and am holding it with my husband.
We own a business that has been financially very successful for us. My husband is the CEO. That also means my husband has no boss, very little accountability, and a lot of free time and flexibility in his schedule. It has made for an easy place to pre-drink before heading home, for sure, or to disappear to for hours on the weekends "to catch up on work" to drink and surf the web, or take a half or full day off to sit at home in our barn and "relax". I'm really struggling with is the alcoholic lying. I've been troubled by strange things in our business and have dug into them since we separated. I've discovered that my husband has run this corporation really shoddily. We sat down and agreed that some things needed to change. We pay for full family medical 100% (amazing, yes) for our employees and their spouses and kids. The cost is killing us --- I discovered we were $300k in the hole and that my husband had used our own personal $300k to plug that hole! My husband and I made the decision to cut the full-family medical and announced to the employees we'd be doing so in an afford to get into the black again. It was either this or do layoffs. The employees pitched a huge fit. I believe my husband was so scared they'd walk, he caved and retracted this cut ---- telling me casually after the fact. I was beyond livid and felt totally betrayed by him.
Of course I am getting good legal advice, and I'm smart, but beyond that, how do you content with the constant lying and deceit in an alcoholic?
Thanks for listening. This all sucks so much. I just want to feel sane again.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 120
Wow,
After reading your post I have absolutely no doubt you'll come through this. The sheer determination and resolve is fantastic.
You've done your part in the marital support, now it's your time. You've suffered enough, have a great head on your shoulders and are way to young to further suffer the indignities of a drunk, or the lack of compassion and love in your life.
You will gain control of that company eventually and will do what's right financially for the employee's and your children.
I'd say stay strong and good luck, but a person like you doesn't need that. They make their own.
Sometimes we all need a kind word.
After reading your post I have absolutely no doubt you'll come through this. The sheer determination and resolve is fantastic.
You've done your part in the marital support, now it's your time. You've suffered enough, have a great head on your shoulders and are way to young to further suffer the indignities of a drunk, or the lack of compassion and love in your life.
You will gain control of that company eventually and will do what's right financially for the employee's and your children.
I'd say stay strong and good luck, but a person like you doesn't need that. They make their own.
Sometimes we all need a kind word.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
Soaring Spirits, I contend with the constant lying and manipulation by expecting it. I tried to make it simple for me because of all the stress involved in dealing with the ranting and raving. Everything my STBXAH said, did and involved himself in was done to protect his disease and allow the drinking to continue. Everything. Knowing that made it easier for me to stop taking things so personal and, more importantly for me, to stop expecting him to do anything different. Every event he looked at through the prism of his disease (talk about beer goggles...) and everything he said was done to keep the disease happy.
I hear the pain in your post but I also hear tremendous focus and determination. One step in front of the other and you are on your way. Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to hearing more about your journey, keep us posted -
I hear the pain in your post but I also hear tremendous focus and determination. One step in front of the other and you are on your way. Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to hearing more about your journey, keep us posted -
Last edited by Leaping; 08-14-2011 at 01:52 PM. Reason: grammer
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: TX
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits 
Of course I am getting good legal advice, and I'm smart, but beyond that, how do you content with the constant lying and deceit in an alcoholic?
Thanks for listening. This all sucks so much. I just want to feel sane again.
Originally Posted by Leaping
I contend with the constant lying and manipulation by expecting it. I tried to make it simple for me because of all the stress involved in dealing with the ranting and raving. Everything my STBXAH said, did and involved himself in was done to protect his disease and allow the drinking to continue. Everything. Knowing that made it easier for me to stop taking things so personal and, more importantly for me, to stop expecting him to do anything different. Every event he looked at through the prism of his disease (talk about beer goggles...) and everything he said was done to keep the disease happy.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
SoaringSpirits, what you have done so far is amazing. It's hard enough to go through living with someone you love who's an alcoholic and have kids but when you also have other people relying on you your employees it takes tough decisions which are never easy in this recession. Keep going to Al Anon find a sponsor, and people who will hold you up maybe family and keep walking forward. Keep posting and my prayers go to you and your family.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
My charming, successful AH and his family (who are neither charming nor successful) call it the family curse too and laugh-- common theme here I'd imagine.
I don't know what to suggest about how to deal with the lying but the financial stuff you describe is huge and serious and you're very wise to be getting legal advice.
It's remarkable to read your story and see so clearly in what you write that your H is an alcoholic, and yet it took me an eternity and things getting violent before I was able to admit that my social drinker turned angry, judgemental husband was and has been an alcoholic for a long time.
I am sorry for you and your kids and you're in my thoughts.
I don't know what to suggest about how to deal with the lying but the financial stuff you describe is huge and serious and you're very wise to be getting legal advice.
It's remarkable to read your story and see so clearly in what you write that your H is an alcoholic, and yet it took me an eternity and things getting violent before I was able to admit that my social drinker turned angry, judgemental husband was and has been an alcoholic for a long time.
I am sorry for you and your kids and you're in my thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by Leaping
Soaring Spirits, I contend with the constant lying and manipulation by expecting it. I tried to make it simple for me because of all the stress involved in dealing with the ranting and raving. Everything my STBXAH said, did and involved himself in was done to protect his disease and allow the drinking to continue. Everything. Knowing that made it easier for me to stop taking things so personal and, more importantly for me, to stop expecting him to do anything different. Every event he looked at through the prism of his disease (talk about beer goggles...) and everything he said was done to keep the disease happy.
Thanks to everyone for your welcome and words of wisdom. I really appreciate the input and advice and knowing I'm not alone. Despite attending Al-Anon, I haven't quite gotten plugged in there. No sponsor and no desire to have one.
As a side note, in my darkest hours I find that having some sense of humor about all this helps me. My husband's late nights and disappearances made me think he might be having an affair (hoping, actually --- infidelity seemed an easier problem than alcoholism). Now I know he was having an affair with booze. I call her "Lady Beer" and sometimes when I'm really angry about what this disease has done to my family, I talk to Lady Beer and tell her what I think of her.
Last edited by SoaringSpirits; 08-14-2011 at 04:55 PM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
That is funny SoaringSpirits, I also had many names for XA first love. A night with Ms. Wiser was always more tolerable than if he chose to spend the evening Jackie D. I did end the relationship when I got tired of being the "mistress" in our relationship.
Am sorry to hear what you have been going thru, but it is so refreshing to hear that you are putting your health and your kids best interest first. I think you are going to do just fine.
Sending you strength, and I believe humor can be our best medicine sometimes...........
Am sorry to hear what you have been going thru, but it is so refreshing to hear that you are putting your health and your kids best interest first. I think you are going to do just fine.
Sending you strength, and I believe humor can be our best medicine sometimes...........
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