Just4me

So my A went out of town this weekend. I took full advantage and yesterday I moved the rest of my stuff out of our place and into my new apartment. I did good yesterday, but then I was busy most of the day putting stuff together cleaning.

Last night (still at the house) I was crying. I'm so sad that it has come to this, that I have to move out because I can't be around drinking or alcohol. I miss him so much already. He's a wonderful person with a problem, and I can't help but feel I'm bailing on him. He's trying to stay sober, but without a real program he slips up once or twice a week. It's too hard for me to watch.

I've explained to him that it's not that I want to break up (at least not now anyways), but I need to know that when I come home there wont be alcohol or a drunk person there. THAT is why I've gotten my own place. I don't know if he understands my reasons.

He told me that if I leave I may never be able to come back. That makes me so sad and scared to go, as he is a wonderful person who as always treated me right, but is an alcoholic.

Regardless, I packed the last of my belongings this morning. There is nothing in the house I want that isn't already at the new place. I will be coming back next week to gather what I left to donate. I will be staying at my new place tonight.

Tears swell in my eyes as I type this. This decision has been so incredibly hard for me. I'm scared for my future, alone and with my A. I'm sad, hurt, and mourning our relationship. I guess these are all normal feelings, but they aren't fun to feel.

I know I can't control his drinking, nor can I make him stop. I know he will drink regardless of if I'm here or not. I know that when he wants to quit (if he quits) he will have to do it for him. I'm not his mother nor his babysitter.

So, today I'm starting a new chapter in my life. Time will tell if my A can be a part of it or not. I'm trying to be strong, put on my brave big girl face, but all I want to do is curl up in the corner and cry. This is soooo hard and soooo unfair.

Thank you for listening. I know it's best for me and my sanity, but that doesn't change how hard and sad it is for me.

Freedom1990

It's okay. I have a quote written down in the front of my big book...heard it from the director of the rehab I went through.

"Tears are for the soul what soap is for the body."

It's so true. It's okay to cry, to be afraid, to be uncertain of the future.

This too shall pass!

Sending hugs of support!

lillamy

Big hugs to you. It's a big, brave step you're taking for your sanity and health, and a good one.

You don't have to make all the decisions today, or fix your entire future in the next ten minutes. All you have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. And what path you want to walk will be much easier to determine now that you only have yourself to take care of and worry about when you get home every day.

It's not fun. But staying would have been less fun. Keep talking.

dollydo

It is just fine to grieve, I did it, and, the process was just what I needed to move forward with my life.

After it was all over, I had such a sense of relief that I had regained me, my life.

Pamper yourself tonight, go with the flow.

kmangel

You are a very brave person and have done exactly IMO the right thing by stepping aside and letting your husband face the consequences of his behavior on his own. What you have done may be the very thing he needed to experience (the loss of you), but regardless what he decides to do, you keep firm in your resolve to leave him be. He needs for the people who soften his falls to get out of and stay out of the way.

danielleinto

I'm leaving within the next year and I'm anticipating that guilt. That's what's going to be the hardest for me to deal with. I have no answers for you. I guess it's something we just need to work out on our own. What I do realize here is that my husband did this to himself. I can't stay because he can't handle the thought of being alone. I'll have to keep telling myself that he was never here for me when I needed him and staying to protect his feelings was destroying me. We deserve to be happy.

I love what Freedom posted. It's o.k. to be sad, it's normal - another thing I'll have to remind myself of.

m1k3

What you have done is incredably brave. Courage is not the absence of fear but rather it is doing the right thing inspite of the fear. You should feel pride as well as grief.

Your friend,

masuhanley

I am in your exact position right now and totally feel your pain. Ours has been a long, painful relationship with moments of happiness. Should be the other way around, right? I do still love and miss my A but have finally come to realize that he WILL NOT give up the bottle to be with me. Sure he has said many, many times that he will; that I mean so much more to him than booze, but they are just words. He cannot follow it up with action. I have given everything to help him get well so we can have the relationship that we both want. He has given nothing. The final straw came this week. I cannot and will not give anymore. He has no possessions left in my home and I have blocked every number I can think of for him to call me from. If that doesn't work I have every intention of changing my number. Breaking of no contact (by phone calls, voicemail, texting) has been my downfall in our past splits; it won't be this time. Good luck to you and stay strong!

Peace.

Maureen

bonami

Moving on is definitely hard, and you are very brave to follow through with it. Lots of luck and strength to you.

fourmaggie

we deserve respect and deserve the worthiness of a good healthy relationship...

yep and i am sticking to that ^^^^

I am grieving too over my A, he left me last June...because i stopped enabling HIS ways, his behaviours, his actions, his attitudes and well, his issues....

I DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT gosh darn it!!....but still grieving...and healthy...