My Mother and Driving
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
My Mother and Driving
My Mother and Driving
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was very close to calling the cops
over the weekend. My mother severely endangered my life when she was so blind-drunk that she thought my car was her car. She wrestled the keys off me whilst I was trying to tell he that this was my car. It was a manic episode with her punching me, yelling, calling me the most hurtful things. I fought because I didn't want her on the road at all! I eventually threw myself out of the car on the highway as I was so terrified. The pain in my heart is indescribable. I will have the cops on speed-dial for the next time!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was very close to calling the cops
over the weekend. My mother severely endangered my life when she was so blind-drunk that she thought my car was her car. She wrestled the keys off me whilst I was trying to tell he that this was my car. It was a manic episode with her punching me, yelling, calling me the most hurtful things. I fought because I didn't want her on the road at all! I eventually threw myself out of the car on the highway as I was so terrified. The pain in my heart is indescribable. I will have the cops on speed-dial for the next time!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
One thing we learn as loved ones of alcoholics, when we embark on OUR recovery, is that we are not responsible to cover for or take the consequences for anyone else's poor decisions. We are also never required to put ourself in harm's way in order to shield the alcholic from the natural consequences of their behaviors.
We also have every right to warn authorities if we believe the alcoholic is endangering someone else.
We also learn that alcohol ingestion is not any sort of excuse for abusive behavior - unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, regardless of the origin.
It is not our job, to protect them from themself. It is their job to seek help, or to face the consequences of their behaviors.
Please stick around and join our community, we will support you in this very confusing, extremely painful journey of making your way separate from your loved alcoholic and her chaos and consequences. It takes step by step method, and is much better accomplished with support!
CLMI
We also have every right to warn authorities if we believe the alcoholic is endangering someone else.
We also learn that alcohol ingestion is not any sort of excuse for abusive behavior - unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, regardless of the origin.
It is not our job, to protect them from themself. It is their job to seek help, or to face the consequences of their behaviors.
Please stick around and join our community, we will support you in this very confusing, extremely painful journey of making your way separate from your loved alcoholic and her chaos and consequences. It takes step by step method, and is much better accomplished with support!
CLMI
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
A good starting point is to read around the forum and Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents, volumes of information at your fingertips.
I would also suggest getting to Alanon meetings and read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Physical abuse should never be acceptable to anyone, under any circumstance. I agree call the police next time she drives drunk or attacks you.
Keep posting, it will help.
A good starting point is to read around the forum and Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents, volumes of information at your fingertips.
I would also suggest getting to Alanon meetings and read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Physical abuse should never be acceptable to anyone, under any circumstance. I agree call the police next time she drives drunk or attacks you.
Keep posting, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by chelseabun 
Where do I begin CLMI?
There is a wealth of experience, strength and hope (we call this ESH) here in the posts; you will see you are not alone, nor is your situation either unusual or without hope!
Here is a link to help you find face-to-face meetings in your community for Al-anon. Al-anon can be incredibly healing for the damage that is caused to folks who are around alcoholics. It takes a while to even understand how damaged one becomes, being in close proximity to an active alcoholic. Your whole perspective gets twisted around, trying to cope with an insane reality.
Keep posting, don't be shy! It helps to get it out, and have others farther along help you with your perspective and thinking.
There are some terrific folks here, it just takes some time to get plugged in!
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
The major difficulty here is that she is the MD of the company I work for. I have steadily been working my way up in the company and it is now a case of her job or mine. Maybe I shouldn't be working in the same environment at all! SORRY. Just venting. I've made excuses for her behaviour far too many times. Her friends and work colleagues generally egg her on or support mo Mother's indulgence. Shallow friends and colleagues who 'need' her for their bacnik balances. I'm in a bit of a clefstick with this one BUT something has to change. I can't be the doormat any longer...but its hard :-(
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
There is a sister organization to Al-anon called Adult Children of Alcoholics (shorthand ACOA) that is another option for support. Growing up with an alcoholic parent creates certain family dynamics that tend to create certain characteristics in the children underneath the alcoholic parent. It is critically important to learn about this in order to heal the effects. For example, here are fourteen characteristics generally seen:
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
CLMI
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
- We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
- We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
- We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
- We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
- We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
- We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
- We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
- We became addicted to excitement.
- We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
- We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
- We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
- We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
- Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
- Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by chelseabun
The major difficulty here is that she is the MD of the company I work for. I have steadily been working my way up in the company and it is now a case of her job or mine. Maybe I shouldn't be working in the same environment at all! SORRY. Just venting. I've made excuses for her behaviour far too many times. Her friends and work colleagues generally egg her on or support mo Mother's indulgence. Shallow friends and colleagues who 'need' her for their bacnik balances. I'm in a bit of a clefstick with this one BUT something has to change. I can't be the doormat any longer...but its hard :-(
You do have a double or more enmeshment with your alcoholic, sharing family structure, living quarters, and even career space with her! It will take some time and work to sort through your pathway here, so know that this doesn't happen overnight, but rather one step at a time. Try for forward progress, every day, but be patient with the pathway as it's a bugger to figure out sometimes. You will learn more and your perspective will clarify, the more exposure you get to recovery thinking and folks in recovery.
For me, one of the most useful things I ever did was to attend a lot of open Alcoholics Anonymous meetings (these are for the alcoholics, this organization is known as AA as opposed to our side, which is known as Al-Anon). Going to THEIR meetings as a guest, respectfully, showed me what was possible, what it ACTUALLY looked like for an alcoholic to change, what BS looked like in someone not serious about recovery, and most of all gave me hope, that it DOES exist, but is clearly only on the shoulders of the alcoholic themself. Our side, Al-Anon, will show you that you can recover regardless of what your alcoholic chooses to do; you are not enslaved to their choices, although at first it may seem so.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Some more classic literature:
Adult Children of Alcoholics (random link pulled from Google search, that cites Dr. Woititz, who is a pioneer in the field of studying ACOA.)
The following characteristics were developed by Dr. Janet G. Woititz.
Adult Children of Alcoholics:
Adult children of alcoholics often retain their childhood patterns. The super-responsible child may grow into an adult who demands perfectionism. The child who is the family.s scapegoat may have legal or financial troubles throughout life. The child who used to adjust to anything may be passive and withdrawn as an adult. And the family clown may group up to be entertaining, but irresponsible.
An adult child of an alcoholic may be anxious, may try to control events and relationships, may have trouble being intimate, may be chronically depressed or have stress-related health problems. Tragically, many children of alcoholics either become chemically dependent themselves or marry alcoholics.
There is nothing wrong with holding onto hope that your relative or friend will free themselves from the desire for alcohol. You certainly may be able to help if you can understand the causes for the need to drink alcohol, some methods for dealing with a drinker with whom you have a relationship, and some cautions you should take. The desire to drink alcohol is centered in its anesthetic effect. Drinking alcohol helps the drinker avoid emotional pain: stress, fear, anxiety, or guilt. The fact that the situation is always much worse when the drinker sobers up somehow seems not to make much difference to them. The sad part is that the deep emotional needs, the inability to cope with fears and failures, and the psychological habits formed by drinking, are very unhealthy and not what was intended for mankind in the greater picture. When drinkers train themselves to react wrongly to life situations for many years, they find it very difficult to learn to make different behavior choices.
The following characteristics were developed by Dr. Janet G. Woititz.
Adult Children of Alcoholics:
- guess at what normal is
- have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end
- lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth
- judge themselves without mercy
- have difficulty having fun
- take themselves very seriously
- have difficulty with intimate relationships
- overreact to changes over which they have no control
- constantly seek approval and affirmation
- feel that they are different from other people
- are either super responsible or super irresponsible
- are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved
- tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.
Adult children of alcoholics often retain their childhood patterns. The super-responsible child may grow into an adult who demands perfectionism. The child who is the family.s scapegoat may have legal or financial troubles throughout life. The child who used to adjust to anything may be passive and withdrawn as an adult. And the family clown may group up to be entertaining, but irresponsible.
An adult child of an alcoholic may be anxious, may try to control events and relationships, may have trouble being intimate, may be chronically depressed or have stress-related health problems. Tragically, many children of alcoholics either become chemically dependent themselves or marry alcoholics.
There is nothing wrong with holding onto hope that your relative or friend will free themselves from the desire for alcohol. You certainly may be able to help if you can understand the causes for the need to drink alcohol, some methods for dealing with a drinker with whom you have a relationship, and some cautions you should take. The desire to drink alcohol is centered in its anesthetic effect. Drinking alcohol helps the drinker avoid emotional pain: stress, fear, anxiety, or guilt. The fact that the situation is always much worse when the drinker sobers up somehow seems not to make much difference to them. The sad part is that the deep emotional needs, the inability to cope with fears and failures, and the psychological habits formed by drinking, are very unhealthy and not what was intended for mankind in the greater picture. When drinkers train themselves to react wrongly to life situations for many years, they find it very difficult to learn to make different behavior choices.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
We do not know your background, but provide material just to get you started. We also have folks here who have alcoholic loved ones that didn't even begin drinking until later adulthood. So the ACOA stuff may or may not apply to your situation.
Regardless, being around an active addict has classic, repeatable, predictable patterns, you will learn. It has classic, repeatable, predictable effects on those close to the alcoholic/addict.
Please remember that your mother's colleagues may also not have any education in addiction. Addiction is counter-intuitive in many respects - how we must respond is different than in a normal frame of reference. Often, it takes one in the circle to begin to get educated, to begin to change, to begin to set boundaries with the alcoholic, before others see this is possible. Like I said, you are in a very complex setup, sharing family/housing/career in close proximity, and being subject to your mother's influence and power in the career place.
CLMI
Regardless, being around an active addict has classic, repeatable, predictable patterns, you will learn. It has classic, repeatable, predictable effects on those close to the alcoholic/addict.
Please remember that your mother's colleagues may also not have any education in addiction. Addiction is counter-intuitive in many respects - how we must respond is different than in a normal frame of reference. Often, it takes one in the circle to begin to get educated, to begin to change, to begin to set boundaries with the alcoholic, before others see this is possible. Like I said, you are in a very complex setup, sharing family/housing/career in close proximity, and being subject to your mother's influence and power in the career place.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Welcome
I really like anything by Claudia Black for reading about the family dynamics with alcoholism.
I agree with all that has been written.
Alcohol and addiction problems do not hold stereotypes and cross many gender, age and social boundaries.
I will write more later when I get a chance, but I am thinking of you today.
I really like anything by Claudia Black for reading about the family dynamics with alcoholism.
I agree with all that has been written.
Alcohol and addiction problems do not hold stereotypes and cross many gender, age and social boundaries.
I will write more later when I get a chance, but I am thinking of you today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Welcome to SR! You are in a tough spot, but you've made a good first step. Now get comfortable and read and read and read.
And do consider Al-Anon, it's good to have the face-to-face with people who understand the turmoil this causes. Sometimes it's good to try a few meetings, and different meetings, before you decide whether it's for you or not.
And yes, if it seems like your mother is going to drive when she is not able to do so safely, call the police. Period.
(a) There are too many people hurt by drunk drivers.
(b) If she harms someone while in that state, it would be hard for you to live with the fact that you knew and did nothing.
(c) And it will help her to realize the consequences of her bad choices.
And if she hurts you, call the police. Period. No one should hurt you, ever. Please stay safe.
Thinking of you and wishing you well.
It will get better, even if your mother doesn't.
And do consider Al-Anon, it's good to have the face-to-face with people who understand the turmoil this causes. Sometimes it's good to try a few meetings, and different meetings, before you decide whether it's for you or not.
And yes, if it seems like your mother is going to drive when she is not able to do so safely, call the police. Period.
(a) There are too many people hurt by drunk drivers.
(b) If she harms someone while in that state, it would be hard for you to live with the fact that you knew and did nothing.
(c) And it will help her to realize the consequences of her bad choices.
And if she hurts you, call the police. Period. No one should hurt you, ever. Please stay safe.
Thinking of you and wishing you well.
It will get better, even if your mother doesn't.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome and keep coming back! As an adult child of an alcoholic I understand how difficult your position becomes when the one you love abuses you and puts your safety at risk.
You have gotten a lot of great responses and ideas to consider... creating healthy boundaries for yourself and making sure you take care of you while exploring your options.
As others have told you there is a wealth of information on this board alone in stickied threads ... a readers digest of information ... a great place to start. Visiting some al-anon meetings (try several) is something that was very helpful for me as well as open AA meetings ... you will learn alot about how others have coped, survived and often thrived in similar situations.
In my situation I found that counseling was very helpful to me and encourage you to try to find someone who is very knowledgable about addiction and family relationships... this is another area where you want to find the right therapist as there are great ones and some not so much.
Let us know how you are doing... we understand how hard it is and we really do care.
You have gotten a lot of great responses and ideas to consider... creating healthy boundaries for yourself and making sure you take care of you while exploring your options.
As others have told you there is a wealth of information on this board alone in stickied threads ... a readers digest of information ... a great place to start. Visiting some al-anon meetings (try several) is something that was very helpful for me as well as open AA meetings ... you will learn alot about how others have coped, survived and often thrived in similar situations.
In my situation I found that counseling was very helpful to me and encourage you to try to find someone who is very knowledgable about addiction and family relationships... this is another area where you want to find the right therapist as there are great ones and some not so much.
Let us know how you are doing... we understand how hard it is and we really do care.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
