Advice, alcoholic boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 41
Advice, alcoholic boyfriend
My boyfriend(whom I live with) is an alcoholic and I've started to resent him for it and I don't know what to do. He has horrible headaches from a bad car accident years ago and he uses alcohol to numb his head. From my point of view, excessive drinking only makes his headaches worse and he agrees with me but he continues to drink. He begs me to drive him to the store to buy wine/beer and when I tell him No we get into arguments. I just don't know what to do. I feel he's wasting our money, he's ruining his health, and it's screwing up our relationship. He tells me lately I'm always in a bad mood and I just can't get out of it. I know I'm doing a bad job of supporting him and helping him to get better. Maybe I'm just burned out. Any suggestions for me to help him recover and convince him he needs other options? Thanks
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Welcome! Sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you found us!
You didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You can't help him recover and words rarely convince someone to quit drinking. I, too, used to look for the magic phrase.
What you can do is work on you. So, get comfortable and read and read and read. And consider Alanon. Lots of people here have found a new way of looking at things from attending Alanon.
You can find a better way of living and be happy, even if your boyfriend doesn't stop.
Take care of yourself.
You didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You can't help him recover and words rarely convince someone to quit drinking. I, too, used to look for the magic phrase.
What you can do is work on you. So, get comfortable and read and read and read. And consider Alanon. Lots of people here have found a new way of looking at things from attending Alanon.
You can find a better way of living and be happy, even if your boyfriend doesn't stop.
Take care of yourself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi cranapple
I am sorry you are going through this, I went through the same thing. In my case I broke up. That was 3 years ago, the ex still drinks. He is an alcoholic. That is what they do. Drink. I gave up trying to understand the why's, all that mattered was that I was being ignored, disrespected, insulted, taken for granted.
I realized I did not deserve to live that way.
Check out the Sticky section ("Classic reading" has many useful articles)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Unfortunately there is nothing anyone can do to get the man out of his denial. He has to hit bottom. If he ever does. But the good news is that this is not your problem, and regardless of his actions and decisions, your life is in your hands, and you can feel so much better. I did not believe it when people told me this when I joined SR but its true!
Attending AA (to know more about alcoholism)/therapy has helped me. I never went to Alanon but it has helped and continues to help many people, this is the Alanon self test
Al Anon Self Test - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
HUGS, keep reading and posting. We get it.
I am sorry you are going through this, I went through the same thing. In my case I broke up. That was 3 years ago, the ex still drinks. He is an alcoholic. That is what they do. Drink. I gave up trying to understand the why's, all that mattered was that I was being ignored, disrespected, insulted, taken for granted.
I realized I did not deserve to live that way.
Check out the Sticky section ("Classic reading" has many useful articles)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Unfortunately there is nothing anyone can do to get the man out of his denial. He has to hit bottom. If he ever does. But the good news is that this is not your problem, and regardless of his actions and decisions, your life is in your hands, and you can feel so much better. I did not believe it when people told me this when I joined SR but its true!
Attending AA (to know more about alcoholism)/therapy has helped me. I never went to Alanon but it has helped and continues to help many people, this is the Alanon self test
Al Anon Self Test - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
HUGS, keep reading and posting. We get it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by cranapple 
He tells me lately I'm always in a bad mood and I just can't get out of it.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by cranapple
I know I'm doing a bad job of supporting him and helping him to get better.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
cranapple
I agree with above and found for myself that Al-Anon and open AA meetings really helped me from different perspectives and to learn.
I read a ton of information (from Al-Anon and just on addiction in general). For awhile I became addicted to addiction books is my little joke.
I agree with above and found for myself that Al-Anon and open AA meetings really helped me from different perspectives and to learn.
I read a ton of information (from Al-Anon and just on addiction in general). For awhile I became addicted to addiction books is my little joke.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 41
Thanks for all your replies.
It's weird, he goes through spurts. Today he hasn't had a drop of alcohol but then again I had the keys to both cars with me all day while I was at work and we live in the country where a store isn't exactly close.
Sometimes he will go 2 or 3 days without drinking at all and then it what seems like nonstop for a few days. I'm happy when he doesn't for days but at the same time all I can wonder is when he is going to have the bad days again.
I hate having these negative thoughts but I guess I've come to expect it too much. I will look into the meetings and the other threads. Thanks!
It's weird, he goes through spurts. Today he hasn't had a drop of alcohol but then again I had the keys to both cars with me all day while I was at work and we live in the country where a store isn't exactly close.
Sometimes he will go 2 or 3 days without drinking at all and then it what seems like nonstop for a few days. I'm happy when he doesn't for days but at the same time all I can wonder is when he is going to have the bad days again.
I hate having these negative thoughts but I guess I've come to expect it too much. I will look into the meetings and the other threads. Thanks!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 806
Originally Posted by cranapple
My boyfriend(whom I live with) is an alcoholic and I've started to resent him for it and I don't know what to do. He has horrible headaches from a bad car accident years ago and he uses alcohol to numb his head. From my point of view, excessive drinking only makes his headaches worse and he agrees with me but he continues to drink. He begs me to drive him to the store to buy wine/beer and when I tell him No we get into arguments. I just don't know what to do. I feel he's wasting our money, he's ruining his health, and it's screwing up our relationship. He tells me lately I'm always in a bad mood and I just can't get out of it. I know I'm doing a bad job of supporting him and helping him to get better. Maybe I'm just burned out. Any suggestions for me to help him recover and convince him he needs other options? Thanks
You know you can't change someone?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 130
Welcome to SR!
Frankly, I've come up with a logical, rational, irrefutable rebuttal to every excuse my AH has to drink. Which would be really great, if denial were logical and rational. All I can say is, I wish I could remember him from before his "reasons for drinking" deteriorated to having a wife he can't stand who couldn't turn on someone who'd just gotten out of prison. The reason he doesn't leave, since he's so miserable? "Because I love you too much."
Frankly, I've come up with a logical, rational, irrefutable rebuttal to every excuse my AH has to drink. Which would be really great, if denial were logical and rational. All I can say is, I wish I could remember him from before his "reasons for drinking" deteriorated to having a wife he can't stand who couldn't turn on someone who'd just gotten out of prison. The reason he doesn't leave, since he's so miserable? "Because I love you too much."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
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Wywriter: Sounds like something he'd say to me when he's been drinking. He gets so verbally abusive it sickens me. I'm so fed up, this morning I told him when our lease is up in October I"m out of here. Of course I've threatened so many times he probably doesn't believe me. I'm just emotionally drained.
He tells me I have serious problems(being hateful, a bitch, in a bad mood all the time, can't control my temper etc...), that he knows what his are but I don't know what mine are. He doesn't understand that this all stems from me being irritated about him drinking all the time.
I was so naive when I met him, I really kick myself thinking about it. There are signs I should've noticed but I didn't pay attention to and now 2.5 years later here I am.
He tells me I have serious problems(being hateful, a bitch, in a bad mood all the time, can't control my temper etc...), that he knows what his are but I don't know what mine are. He doesn't understand that this all stems from me being irritated about him drinking all the time.
I was so naive when I met him, I really kick myself thinking about it. There are signs I should've noticed but I didn't pay attention to and now 2.5 years later here I am.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You can leave, it is your choice. This is a toxic relationship and will not get any better in the near future.
Right now he appears to be a binge drinker, this is a progressive disease, unless treated it will get worse.
You cannot make an active alcoholic understand anything, you are just wasting your breath.
If it were me, I'd get my own place....you don't have to live with an abuser. If he ever decides to seek recovery and is clean and sober for at least a year, you might consider
hooking up with him again.
It's your life, do what's best for you.
Right now he appears to be a binge drinker, this is a progressive disease, unless treated it will get worse.
You cannot make an active alcoholic understand anything, you are just wasting your breath.
If it were me, I'd get my own place....you don't have to live with an abuser. If he ever decides to seek recovery and is clean and sober for at least a year, you might consider
hooking up with him again.
It's your life, do what's best for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Cranapple-
I agree with Dollydo. My qualifier was a binge drinker and I did not realize there was a problem for awhile because my impression of problems with alcohol were of the he drinks every day variety which did not match what I was seeing.
It took me awhile to come out of the denial of if it impacts me negatively (regardless of how it looks) those are valid feelings towards it too.
October is awhile, are there options for you sooner?
I agree with Dollydo. My qualifier was a binge drinker and I did not realize there was a problem for awhile because my impression of problems with alcohol were of the he drinks every day variety which did not match what I was seeing.
It took me awhile to come out of the denial of if it impacts me negatively (regardless of how it looks) those are valid feelings towards it too.
October is awhile, are there options for you sooner?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 806
Originally Posted by cranapple
Wywriter: Sounds like something he'd say to me when he's been drinking. He gets so verbally abusive it sickens me. I'm so fed up, this morning I told him when our lease is up in October I"m out of here. Of course I've threatened so many times he probably doesn't believe me. I'm just emotionally drained.
He tells me I have serious problems(being hateful, a bitch, in a bad mood all the time, can't control my temper etc...), that he knows what his are but I don't know what mine are. He doesn't understand that this all stems from me being irritated about him drinking all the time.
I was so naive when I met him, I really kick myself thinking about it. There are signs I should've noticed but I didn't pay attention to and now 2.5 years later here I am.
He tells me I have serious problems(being hateful, a bitch, in a bad mood all the time, can't control my temper etc...), that he knows what his are but I don't know what mine are. He doesn't understand that this all stems from me being irritated about him drinking all the time.
I was so naive when I met him, I really kick myself thinking about it. There are signs I should've noticed but I didn't pay attention to and now 2.5 years later here I am.
Some life lessons we learn the hard way.....the key word is "learn"
You said all the signs were there but you ignored them.
No one deserves to be treated this way.....you know what you need to do.
Don't let fear hold you back....you deserve to be happy!
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