JohnInVa

Thanks all for your comments. They are very encouraging, and appreciative. As far as Al anon goes, I just have to build up the nerve. Yes I know, that's unfounded. I have a lot on my plate right now, in addition to running my own business, I also take care of my aged parents. Nothing major, just keep their meds up to date and get groceries, etc.

And yes, you are all right, I need to quit stressing over all this. This has been quite a ride, these past few years especially. Yeah, I have to do something different. I should be used to the drama/trauma, but its never seems to get any easier.

yorkiegirl

The in-patient, residential program my husband went to encouraged family involvement and family recovery. My husband had signed a waiver or something that allowed me access to his progress there. I was so grateful that he did this. The first week he was there, I admit, I called once a day everyday to hear how he was doing from the counselor. They were very understanding and answered all of my questions as openly and honestly as possible. There were weekly family group sessions once a week and a separate couple's counseling once a week as part of the residential program. Once a month, there was an Alanon meeting just for the family members. Recovery was approached as a family endeavor. I participated actively and enthusiastically (and a bit desperately) because I so wanted *him* to recover. As the program went on, I came to realize that *I* needed to work on myself, stop focusing on him and allow him his own recovery. It still took me some time *to practice* what I was starting to understand. The real struggle and challenge, for me, was when he came out of the residential program. He was safe in the program. I needed Alanon and SR-forum more than ever as him newly sober, fresh out of a residential program, and back out in the "real world" with triggers, temptations, and familiar old ways of being. . .

It sounds like the rehab your wife is in is focused on the individual without much family participation. I really feel for you. I'm not sure I could've handled being kept from my husband's progress. I recognize part of it was control issues, co-dependency, etc. on my part. On the other hand, I am forever grateful that this program took a more "family approach." It gave me the opportunity to understand how deeply and detrimentally I had been affected by addiction myself and learn to work on my own healing/recovery.

Coming here to SR for support, attending Alanon, Family's Anonymous, getting counseling, etc. are important. Try to find as much support for you as possible. You need all the support and understanding you can get. Your wife is getting support in rehab. You need it for yourself too! Since her rehab program doesn't seem to have that support for the family members, try to find it elsewhere. If your wife does contact you or if you can contact the facility, ask them if they have a "family group session" component as part of your wife's recovery. If they do, see if you can participate with your wife.

I know it's very hard not to feel resentful or worried. If she is in rehab, she's in a safe place, learning new ways to deal with life (without alcohol) and acquiring tools to help her do that without any distractions. She will need to become selfish and self-protective in order to guard her sobriety. That's a blessing, even though it feels like we, as the loving & supportive, family members are being left out. If the A's are going to be selfish, they might as well be selfish toward protecting their sobriety and recovery as opposed to protecting their addiction.

Hoping for the best for your wife and for you in your recoveries.

JohnInVa

Thanks for that, Yorkiegirl. Its sounds like your husband was in a much better program. And I do agree that I need support as much as AW. This site has helped tremendously.