So I left him
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 14
So I left him
I have been lurking around this site for a little while. My AH husband was in recovery for 63 days. He started drinking again yesterday. He wants me to be OK with it. He completely reverted back to the verbally abusive jerk that he was 64 days ago before checking into rehab. I have been working my own recovery, and attending Al-Anon, THANK GOD!!! I set boundries and when he crossed the line, I packed up the kids and left. I rationally know this is for the best, and it is NOT MY FAULT, but now this morning he is blaming it all on my. I started the fight last night, I left, I am not supporting him, I am a bad wife, quack, quack, quack... The bi*ch of it is the quacks hurt. I have been a support super star while he was in recovery. I know he is just using these weapons to hurt me, and it worked. I am torn up! I have to go back home tonight and tomorrow, my kids and I are going on vacation and I need to pack, and do laundry, ect. to prepare for leaving for 8 days on Sunday. I am scared, not for my physical saftey but for my sanity and my (and my girls) emotional state of mind.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Hope you get through the next couple of tough days and can leave this aside and have a wonderful vacation with your girls.
I have no experience with lapsed recovery, but I can see how hopes might have been raised and are now dashed.
Keep reading, someone more eloquent and wiser will be along soon!
I have no experience with lapsed recovery, but I can see how hopes might have been raised and are now dashed.
Keep reading, someone more eloquent and wiser will be along soon!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
[QUOTE=wifeypoo;3043392]. I have been working my own recovery, and attending Al-Anon, THANK GOD!!! I set boundries and when he crossed the line, I packed up the kids and left. I rationally know this is for the best, and it is NOT MY FAULT, but now this morning he is blaming it all on my. I started the fight last night, I left, I am not supporting him, I am a bad wife, quack, quack, quack... The bi*ch of it is the quacks hurt. I have been a support super star while he was in recovery. I know he is just using these weapons to hurt me, and it worked. I am torn up! QUOTE]
I'm so sorry you feel hurt by the quacks. If you remember, everything he's doing right now is so that he can maneuver a way to drink. The alcoholic will plow over every last loved one to be able to get to that DOC. It's good you're getting out of there so you can see more clearly.
You're doing well, and you might benefit from increasing your meetings if possible during this time.
You're protecting yourself and your children from emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can hurt very deeply and have very long-lasting effects. Paying attention to what is safe for you is essential. And that's exactly what you're doing!! Being strong and confident in your decisions as you take each tiny step on your own recovery will help you to the next one.
I'm so sorry you feel hurt by the quacks. If you remember, everything he's doing right now is so that he can maneuver a way to drink. The alcoholic will plow over every last loved one to be able to get to that DOC. It's good you're getting out of there so you can see more clearly.
You're doing well, and you might benefit from increasing your meetings if possible during this time. You're protecting yourself and your children from emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can hurt very deeply and have very long-lasting effects. Paying attention to what is safe for you is essential. And that's exactly what you're doing!! Being strong and confident in your decisions as you take each tiny step on your own recovery will help you to the next one.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Look at how strong you have grown!
Your recovery is doing well.
Maybe he'll get better, maybe he won't.
Either way, you are getting better, and your children are also reaping the rewards - and that's priceless.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome wifeypoo. Big heaps of respect to you for standing firm on your boundaries! Good job!
DO NOT give into the quacking, which is what your AH is doing right now. It's normal and it is not worthy of your time and attention. Yes, it hurts. So don't listen to it. Refuse to engage in those conversations. Refuse the urge to be "right" and defend yourself. Try instead to shift your perspective...this is going to sound absurd right now (it did to me 8 months ago when I left my husband) but try to look at this through his eyes and find some empathy and compassion and most definitely detachment. He's losing his family because of his behavior and choices, he knows this, he isn't ready to step up and wrap his head around his own addiction, so he blames people, places, and things instead of taking personal responsibility. That's classic alcoholic behavior and something we have all gone through ourselves...you are not alone in this.
The trick is to not take it personally, because it really has nothing to do with you. You know your truth, your reality, your emotions. And you obviously have a high level of self respect to leave him for violating your boundaries. No one can hurt you without your permission, so don't give it.
You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it or cure it. So go have a relaxing trip, turn your phone off, pretend you have a mute button if he comes at you to rant and blamestorm, and go on with your life. What he does now is on him.
It's been 8 months for me, and I can honestly say that moving out was the best decision for me. I got my life back, and although its by no means perfect, it is far more manageable and enjoyable. And we are still married and "working on it", so there is hope.
Stay strong!
~T
DO NOT give into the quacking, which is what your AH is doing right now. It's normal and it is not worthy of your time and attention. Yes, it hurts. So don't listen to it. Refuse to engage in those conversations. Refuse the urge to be "right" and defend yourself. Try instead to shift your perspective...this is going to sound absurd right now (it did to me 8 months ago when I left my husband) but try to look at this through his eyes and find some empathy and compassion and most definitely detachment. He's losing his family because of his behavior and choices, he knows this, he isn't ready to step up and wrap his head around his own addiction, so he blames people, places, and things instead of taking personal responsibility. That's classic alcoholic behavior and something we have all gone through ourselves...you are not alone in this.
The trick is to not take it personally, because it really has nothing to do with you. You know your truth, your reality, your emotions. And you obviously have a high level of self respect to leave him for violating your boundaries. No one can hurt you without your permission, so don't give it.
You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it or cure it. So go have a relaxing trip, turn your phone off, pretend you have a mute button if he comes at you to rant and blamestorm, and go on with your life. What he does now is on him.
It's been 8 months for me, and I can honestly say that moving out was the best decision for me. I got my life back, and although its by no means perfect, it is far more manageable and enjoyable. And we are still married and "working on it", so there is hope.
Stay strong!
~T
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 205
You did the right thing by leaving when the quacking started. It you do have to go back to get your stuff and do laundry, try playing music to block him out and keep you calm. Do your best to not reply to him (i always find that very hard and need reminders). Music always helps me Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Welcome wifeypoo. Big heaps of respect to you for standing firm on your boundaries! Good job!
DO NOT give into the quacking, which is what your AH is doing right now. It's normal and it is not worthy of your time and attention. Yes, it hurts. So don't listen to it. Refuse to engage in those conversations. Refuse the urge to be "right" and defend yourself. Try instead to shift your perspective...this is going to sound absurd right now (it did to me 8 months ago when I left my husband) but try to look at this through his eyes and find some empathy and compassion and most definitely detachment. He's losing his family because of his behavior and choices, he knows this, he isn't ready to step up and wrap his head around his own addiction, so he blames people, places, and things instead of taking personal responsibility. That's classic alcoholic behavior and something we have all gone through ourselves...you are not alone in this.
The trick is to not take it personally, because it really has nothing to do with you. You know your truth, your reality, your emotions. And you obviously have a high level of self respect to leave him for violating your boundaries. No one can hurt you without your permission, so don't give it.
You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it or cure it. So go have a relaxing trip, turn your phone off, pretend you have a mute button if he comes at you to rant and blamestorm, and go on with your life. What he does now is on him.
It's been 8 months for me, and I can honestly say that moving out was the best decision for me. I got my life back, and although its by no means perfect, it is far more manageable and enjoyable. And we are still married and "working on it", so there is hope.
Stay strong!
~T
DO NOT give into the quacking, which is what your AH is doing right now. It's normal and it is not worthy of your time and attention. Yes, it hurts. So don't listen to it. Refuse to engage in those conversations. Refuse the urge to be "right" and defend yourself. Try instead to shift your perspective...this is going to sound absurd right now (it did to me 8 months ago when I left my husband) but try to look at this through his eyes and find some empathy and compassion and most definitely detachment. He's losing his family because of his behavior and choices, he knows this, he isn't ready to step up and wrap his head around his own addiction, so he blames people, places, and things instead of taking personal responsibility. That's classic alcoholic behavior and something we have all gone through ourselves...you are not alone in this.
The trick is to not take it personally, because it really has nothing to do with you. You know your truth, your reality, your emotions. And you obviously have a high level of self respect to leave him for violating your boundaries. No one can hurt you without your permission, so don't give it.
You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it or cure it. So go have a relaxing trip, turn your phone off, pretend you have a mute button if he comes at you to rant and blamestorm, and go on with your life. What he does now is on him.
It's been 8 months for me, and I can honestly say that moving out was the best decision for me. I got my life back, and although its by no means perfect, it is far more manageable and enjoyable. And we are still married and "working on it", so there is hope.
Stay strong!
~T
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
hey wifeypoo - we're in the same space right now, although my husband didn't go into recovery. I'm sending you good vibes - I know how hard this is. Thank you for sharing, as I am working to keep my resolve strong.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. It is nice to *meet* you! You are a good mom! You are taking steps to remove yourself and your children from an unhealthy environment. Good on you!
This weekend may be tough emotionally while staying in the same house. It may also be tough physically. Please be careful.
Your AH has not been violent, YET. Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse. An alcoholic faced with losing his imagined "perfect family" is capable of saying and doing anything that the A thinks will stop the loss. The Alcoholic can and may become desperate.
Mine tried to say anything that he thought would change my mind. The problem was it had been said before, but the actions didn't match the words.
My exit was without drama. I am wishing you the same.
One thing I did while interacting and sharing space with my AH was to keep our conversations on a business level. I spoke to him as if I was dealing with a business acquaintance. All business, no emotional baggage. I kept the past in the past. I stuck to "I" statements. "I need time to figure this out for myself" "I need space to to breath and clear my head" "I need a peaceful, stressful environment to focus on making healthy choices for myself and the children". If he responded with anything personal, I cut him off and said I could not listen to those comments.
If your AH has been to rehab, he has resources for his own personal venting. Please protect yourself from his quacking, and unloading of personal garbage. He can find a sponsor, counselor or drinking buddy to listen to his drama.
You do not have to be his sponsor, caretaker, messiah, counselor, or his parent.
You have the right to choose how you spend the rest of your life and with whom.
Stay safe.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. It is nice to *meet* you! You are a good mom! You are taking steps to remove yourself and your children from an unhealthy environment. Good on you!
This weekend may be tough emotionally while staying in the same house. It may also be tough physically. Please be careful.
Your AH has not been violent, YET. Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse. An alcoholic faced with losing his imagined "perfect family" is capable of saying and doing anything that the A thinks will stop the loss. The Alcoholic can and may become desperate.
Mine tried to say anything that he thought would change my mind. The problem was it had been said before, but the actions didn't match the words.
My exit was without drama. I am wishing you the same.
One thing I did while interacting and sharing space with my AH was to keep our conversations on a business level. I spoke to him as if I was dealing with a business acquaintance. All business, no emotional baggage. I kept the past in the past. I stuck to "I" statements. "I need time to figure this out for myself" "I need space to to breath and clear my head" "I need a peaceful, stressful environment to focus on making healthy choices for myself and the children". If he responded with anything personal, I cut him off and said I could not listen to those comments.
If your AH has been to rehab, he has resources for his own personal venting. Please protect yourself from his quacking, and unloading of personal garbage. He can find a sponsor, counselor or drinking buddy to listen to his drama.
You do not have to be his sponsor, caretaker, messiah, counselor, or his parent.
You have the right to choose how you spend the rest of your life and with whom.
Stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Welcome to SR wifeypoo! Glad you are here, and way to go for being able to stick with your boundaries.
Tuffgirl, you wrote,"Try instead to shift your perspective...this is going to sound absurd right now (it did to me 8 months ago when I left my husband) but try to look at this through his eyes and find some empathy and compassion and most definitely detachment."
I agree completely! I am recently practicing compassion with ABF, but it did not come naturally at all. I found myself thinking, "Compassion? Where has compassion ever gotten me in life?" But now that I have shifted back into it, I have found that it does help every situation, especially when compounded with detachment.
Tuffgirl, you wrote,"Try instead to shift your perspective...this is going to sound absurd right now (it did to me 8 months ago when I left my husband) but try to look at this through his eyes and find some empathy and compassion and most definitely detachment."
I agree completely! I am recently practicing compassion with ABF, but it did not come naturally at all. I found myself thinking, "Compassion? Where has compassion ever gotten me in life?" But now that I have shifted back into it, I have found that it does help every situation, especially when compounded with detachment.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Staying safe and sane would be my main focus easy for me to say as I am not in your shoes.
You seem like a strong women who is putting her needs and her children's needs first and I will tell you that is so refreshing to read on here.
I wanted to let you know as an alcoholic myself, (although I have been sober a little over 7 years) we like to blame others so we have a reason to keep on drinking.
I know what it took for me was for my loved ones to do exactly what you are doing, because then I was left all alone with my addiction and eventually I did get help.
Stay close with your Alanon support group and if things get to tough at your home maybe someone could come over while you pack?
Have a peaceful vacation and come vent on SR as much as you need.
You seem like a strong women who is putting her needs and her children's needs first and I will tell you that is so refreshing to read on here.
I wanted to let you know as an alcoholic myself, (although I have been sober a little over 7 years) we like to blame others so we have a reason to keep on drinking.
I know what it took for me was for my loved ones to do exactly what you are doing, because then I was left all alone with my addiction and eventually I did get help.
Stay close with your Alanon support group and if things get to tough at your home maybe someone could come over while you pack?
Have a peaceful vacation and come vent on SR as much as you need.
Last edited by newby1961; 07-23-2011 at 09:27 AM. Reason: forgot a word
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