In a mess need advice. New-long, sorry
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ryde
Posts: 5
In a mess need advice. New-long, sorry
Hi, have been reading threads for the last 2 days and its all that is keeping me sanity. My relationship with a functioning abf and gambler ended 3 days ago and I'm using every inch of my willpower not to contact him.
I met him a year ago and he swept me off my feet. He was so loving and romantic and so interested in helping me get my life back on track after my business failed. We would drink every night but it just seemed to make him more loving and affectionate. As the relationship progressed, I got to see him sober and he always seemed grumpy and on edge. He began to question if I was the faithful kind and confessed to being the jealous kind and to also having an addiction to bandits. I still believed he was the love of my life when the criticisms started. I allowed him to move in and then found I was walking on egg shells a lot of the time. He didn't like me using my laptop or phone. He hated my cats. He started to dislike my bestfriend and criticize her. I arranged a girls night out with her and as he was away for the weekend I thought it was a good time. He must have called me 20 times and text me constantly. My friend took away my phone as it was ruining our evening. It was hell when I got it back and gave him the ammo he needed to insist I choose him over her. I never did. It all really started to visibly go wrong a few months ago when he arranged to go out with a drinking buddy on the one night a month I could get a sitter and we could go out. I complained and was hurt and it developed into a row. He refused not to go and I gave in. After that though he went to the same pub more and more and recently I barely saw him at all. After rowing over and over about how he was choosing the pub over me, he moved out. I felt yet more rejection and got drunk and sent angry and sad texts to him which made it all so much worse. He only ever came over when he was drunk and I would either get the loving drunk or a more and more nasty one. He hit my laptop and broke it when he found I had been chatting to another man(not romantically) and smashed a door in. He has threatened to hurt my cats although I'm sure he wouldn't have. He smashed another door too and punched a wall. So many incidents and mostly because he wanted me to choose him over my friend. My second and only other girls night out was ruined when he turned up. My friend confronted him and they had a strange discussion where she pointed out his faults and he apologised and promised to change. Nothing did. A lot of nasty things have happened, too many to mention. He moved into his own place 3 weeks ago and it was meant to be a fresh start for us. He ran out of money to buy beer then too and he didnt seem to want to see me. He said he was starting to go running. He has been drinking practically everyday for the last 20 years, he sees the pub as the place he wants to be rather than anywhere else including with us. He has no small talk or many social skills and the minute he drinks he is the life of the party. I blamed the pub instead of the fact that he had a problem for everything. I have covered for him when he drunk drove the works car and crashed it and lately I have lent him money. I got him a £300 loan 2 wks ago as he was so poor and within a few hours I had a desperate call that he had put it all into the pub bandit. I didnt answer his texts last saturday as I had a friend round and we were talking about what I should do. I had many texts and calls, all abusive that night. He was sober and so angry. The next day he was nice and needed to talk about his daughter who had runaway. I offered him money so he could go and find her but it was resolved before I had to although I ended up lending him money(I hope) for food. He then barely spoke to me for a couple of days and when I text him to ask what was wrong he said he had found out I had been on a dating site the last 2 days. I had but only to see if he was checking on me as he had also been monitoring my facebook. I was right, it was an old profile of me from before we met. I hadn't been looking for anyone else as he has been the only thing I have thought about for months. He then broke contact. I have played the games to try and get his attention I will admit over the months and it never fixed anything. I know he is abusive when he drinks in a bad mood, shows signs of stalking, has a very well paid job but is in financial trouble, and that the alcohol will always come first. I am certainly not stupid and cannot understand why I miss him. I am so confused and hurting, I can't function and have barely left my room. I want him to contact me so badly but why oh why? I know it must end and changed myself to single on facebook. He did the same. I know he has been off alcohol for nearly 2 wks and he will be miserable. I worry that I have abandoned him because I know he has low self-esteem. My friends do not understand what this is like. I am also concerned about this Friday when he gets paid and is bound to go get drunk and that in his sober state his anger will boil over when he drinks. Please help, any advice would be great. Many thanks for reading
I met him a year ago and he swept me off my feet. He was so loving and romantic and so interested in helping me get my life back on track after my business failed. We would drink every night but it just seemed to make him more loving and affectionate. As the relationship progressed, I got to see him sober and he always seemed grumpy and on edge. He began to question if I was the faithful kind and confessed to being the jealous kind and to also having an addiction to bandits. I still believed he was the love of my life when the criticisms started. I allowed him to move in and then found I was walking on egg shells a lot of the time. He didn't like me using my laptop or phone. He hated my cats. He started to dislike my bestfriend and criticize her. I arranged a girls night out with her and as he was away for the weekend I thought it was a good time. He must have called me 20 times and text me constantly. My friend took away my phone as it was ruining our evening. It was hell when I got it back and gave him the ammo he needed to insist I choose him over her. I never did. It all really started to visibly go wrong a few months ago when he arranged to go out with a drinking buddy on the one night a month I could get a sitter and we could go out. I complained and was hurt and it developed into a row. He refused not to go and I gave in. After that though he went to the same pub more and more and recently I barely saw him at all. After rowing over and over about how he was choosing the pub over me, he moved out. I felt yet more rejection and got drunk and sent angry and sad texts to him which made it all so much worse. He only ever came over when he was drunk and I would either get the loving drunk or a more and more nasty one. He hit my laptop and broke it when he found I had been chatting to another man(not romantically) and smashed a door in. He has threatened to hurt my cats although I'm sure he wouldn't have. He smashed another door too and punched a wall. So many incidents and mostly because he wanted me to choose him over my friend. My second and only other girls night out was ruined when he turned up. My friend confronted him and they had a strange discussion where she pointed out his faults and he apologised and promised to change. Nothing did. A lot of nasty things have happened, too many to mention. He moved into his own place 3 weeks ago and it was meant to be a fresh start for us. He ran out of money to buy beer then too and he didnt seem to want to see me. He said he was starting to go running. He has been drinking practically everyday for the last 20 years, he sees the pub as the place he wants to be rather than anywhere else including with us. He has no small talk or many social skills and the minute he drinks he is the life of the party. I blamed the pub instead of the fact that he had a problem for everything. I have covered for him when he drunk drove the works car and crashed it and lately I have lent him money. I got him a £300 loan 2 wks ago as he was so poor and within a few hours I had a desperate call that he had put it all into the pub bandit. I didnt answer his texts last saturday as I had a friend round and we were talking about what I should do. I had many texts and calls, all abusive that night. He was sober and so angry. The next day he was nice and needed to talk about his daughter who had runaway. I offered him money so he could go and find her but it was resolved before I had to although I ended up lending him money(I hope) for food. He then barely spoke to me for a couple of days and when I text him to ask what was wrong he said he had found out I had been on a dating site the last 2 days. I had but only to see if he was checking on me as he had also been monitoring my facebook. I was right, it was an old profile of me from before we met. I hadn't been looking for anyone else as he has been the only thing I have thought about for months. He then broke contact. I have played the games to try and get his attention I will admit over the months and it never fixed anything. I know he is abusive when he drinks in a bad mood, shows signs of stalking, has a very well paid job but is in financial trouble, and that the alcohol will always come first. I am certainly not stupid and cannot understand why I miss him. I am so confused and hurting, I can't function and have barely left my room. I want him to contact me so badly but why oh why? I know it must end and changed myself to single on facebook. He did the same. I know he has been off alcohol for nearly 2 wks and he will be miserable. I worry that I have abandoned him because I know he has low self-esteem. My friends do not understand what this is like. I am also concerned about this Friday when he gets paid and is bound to go get drunk and that in his sober state his anger will boil over when he drinks. Please help, any advice would be great. Many thanks for reading
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here.
My thoughts: He is a violent control freak. You deserve better. I hope you'll stay away from him, take good care of yourself and move on with your life. This guy is nothing but trouble.
My thoughts: He is a violent control freak. You deserve better. I hope you'll stay away from him, take good care of yourself and move on with your life. This guy is nothing but trouble.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
You mentioned something about getting a sitter. So you have a child/children? Ask yourself why you would want someone so unstable around you and your child(ren)?
The feelings, they are normal, even for people who are not nice. My ex husband was verbally abusive and in the end he would rather have been anywhere but near me and his kids. I can't explain the mix of emotions I had (relief AND sadness, to name just two) when we finally divorced.
Al-anon would help you... but really, if he's already being abusive and borrowing money and not wanting to be around you, WHY would you stay with him?
The feelings, they are normal, even for people who are not nice. My ex husband was verbally abusive and in the end he would rather have been anywhere but near me and his kids. I can't explain the mix of emotions I had (relief AND sadness, to name just two) when we finally divorced.
Al-anon would help you... but really, if he's already being abusive and borrowing money and not wanting to be around you, WHY would you stay with him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ryde
Posts: 5
He did have some redeeming qualities. He seemed to love my son and was very kind to him at the start. He broke the relationship though when he was leaving and sobbed over him. Since then has barely acknowledged him. I now keep my son firmly away from it all. The xabf had a terrible start in life. He was abandoned by his parents and then abused by his aunt who was in turn abused by his uncle. He has no family left now. I'm not making excuses. He is brilliant at his job and can be very caring. He knows how damaged he is and puts himself down a lot. I suppose I am actually having a job understanding myself and my feelings. I should be celebrating but I'm not and feeling desperate instead. I am also feeling so very sorry for him. I was really all the support he had.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Many, many people have horrible childhoods but manage to pull themselves together and make good lives. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if he truly wanted to get better, he would be in counseling or seeking some kind of professional help. You are NOT the only support out there for him and you aren't even the best support. He needs professional help. Regardless of whether or not he got a bad start in life, that is no excuse for violence. There is NO excuse for violence.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I have no doubts that this guy will escalate from hitting the walls, your laptop, the company car to your person, your cats and your child. He is violent and has no self-control.
His self-esteem is HIS issue, not yours..his $$ and what he does with it are his business. DON'T give him any $$...you will never see it again. I can guarantee that he is not buying food, he's buying booze.
I would think that his "charm" is quite tarnished. he sounds like someone unsafe to be around.
His self-esteem is HIS issue, not yours..his $$ and what he does with it are his business. DON'T give him any $$...you will never see it again. I can guarantee that he is not buying food, he's buying booze.
I would think that his "charm" is quite tarnished. he sounds like someone unsafe to be around.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ryde
Posts: 5
Thank you for your replies. When one of you used the word dangerous it really hit home that a lot of the time when in an abusive episode I was very scared. I was usually not allowed to leave the room until he had finished shouting or threatening to break things. He is sober till Friday and maybe I'd better make sure the doors are locked. I know if I was outside looking in I would be wondering why I am so sad and know what I would say to anyone else in my boat. I have heard the term adrenaline junky and that bothers me
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Originally Posted by Fandy 
I have no doubts that this guy will escalate from hitting the walls, your laptop, the company car to your person, your cats and your child. He is violent and has no self-control.
Sending you strength to carry on!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Yes, you're in a dangerous abusive relationship. I empathize- it's horrible, confusing, engulfing. Don't waste a moment on self-examination or reflection right now. Just focus on making yourself, your child, your household safe. That alone take some time. Abusers are not exactly gracious and mature in break-ups. (sarcasm) Then, when the storm has settled and we know we're safe, we can take on why or how we got into that spot. I've done it more than once. 
I promise you, it can't be done while we're still "in" an abusive environment, not with a nasty relentless abuser, like the one you were with and like the one I was with. It's impossible to sort it all out until you get out and the storm clears. It's absolutely pointless to talk to him or give an opinion because he has zero interest in being responsiblle for anything he has done, it will only infuriate him. Even my silence at the end of my relationship infuriated him. It doesn't matter what you do with an abuser.
Women, and some men, have a tendency to internalize and assume that they caused anything that happens to them. But you most definitely didn't cause him to be abusive! Oooh, it's the three C's- you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you certainly can't cure it! Abuse is deeply woven into someone.
But you can protect and honor yourself and your household by getting him out, out, out in every way. You deserve peace, respect, kindness.
I promise you, it can't be done while we're still "in" an abusive environment, not with a nasty relentless abuser, like the one you were with and like the one I was with. It's impossible to sort it all out until you get out and the storm clears. It's absolutely pointless to talk to him or give an opinion because he has zero interest in being responsiblle for anything he has done, it will only infuriate him. Even my silence at the end of my relationship infuriated him. It doesn't matter what you do with an abuser.
Women, and some men, have a tendency to internalize and assume that they caused anything that happens to them. But you most definitely didn't cause him to be abusive! Oooh, it's the three C's- you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you certainly can't cure it! Abuse is deeply woven into someone.
But you can protect and honor yourself and your household by getting him out, out, out in every way. You deserve peace, respect, kindness.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by WednesdayGirl
I am also feeling so very sorry for him. I was really all the support he had.
You are not his only option, though he'd like you to think that.
As has already been stated, there are many people who had horrible childhoods and went on to become decent caring adults.
I'd highly suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and I think you would also benefit tremendously from reading "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.
Welcome to SR, and sending you hugs of support!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
think about what you wrote...scared, not allowed to leave the room???? In YOUR OWN HOUSE!!! please change the locks, block his phone number and file a complaint with the police to get an order of protection for you and your child...I do not mean to be dramatic, but this could save your life. let him continue and he will get bolder with his bully routine.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ryde
Posts: 5
I don't know what is wrong with me. I jst sent him a message on Facebook asking if he was ok. I quickly logged off before he could reply. I am genuinely concerned but had decided not to make any contact. I want to slap myself.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
As I read your original post, I felt that you are very lucky that he moved out. So many of us here struggle with how to break free of such an abusive and unhappy situation. I hope you will realize that someone is looking out for you. This man can bring you only sadness whilst he is an active alcoholic. Keep reading and posting, and take care of you. There is nothing you can do for him.
Been there, as we all have. Read our stories, be glad he is gone. Let him go.
Been there, as we all have. Read our stories, be glad he is gone. Let him go.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
the next you feel an urge to inquire after his feelings...ask yourself a question...Just what has he done for YOU...does he inquire how YOU are feeling after you give him $$ and he browbeats you emotionally? Has he given you any of your $$$ back? Has he taken you to dinner? bought you flowers? sought any treatment for his pyschological issues and violent anger? you LIED to his employer? is that a crime? what does he do for you and your family? besides offer a cheap excuse and stomp around.
you are stronger than you know...count yourself lucky to put this person firmly in your past.
you are stronger than you know...count yourself lucky to put this person firmly in your past.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Wednesday, I am so very sorry for your pain and confusion. Most of us have suffered similar. The key for me has been to start learning how to take care of myself. In fact, my counselor said to me the other day; "why do you allow him to treat you this way? Would you allow him to treat your child like that?" The answer is unquestionably NO, I would never EVER allow my child to be treated the way my AH treats me. But you know what? Without me, or with me emotionally or physically beaten or dead, my child has no one to protect him. Certainly not the way I can. So today, I choose to learn how to take care of myself, so I can take care of my child. Along the way, I'll find the value in caring for myself as a valuable thing in and of itself.
Hugs to you, Wednesday. We all feel your pain through experience. May this moment be a good one, and tomorrow begin the process of you learning how to take care of precious YOU!
Hugs to you, Wednesday. We all feel your pain through experience. May this moment be a good one, and tomorrow begin the process of you learning how to take care of precious YOU!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Welcome Wednesday Girl, So very sorry to hear what you are living. Sure hope you can stay strong, and avoid all contact with him. This is an ugly situation, and you need to protect yourself, and concentrate on making a new life for yourself.
Love is not violent. You cannot fix him, change him, or comfort him. He sounds like one angry out of control person. Alcoholics are known to black out, I would stay very far away, he could very well harm you and not ever even remember.
There are so very many men out there without all this ugly baggage, go find one, write this off as a lesson learned, and never look back. Truly he is not in any position to be in a relationship, he is a violent mess!!!!!! Alcoholics take hostages, that is not a relationship. Run girl, and run far...............
Love is not violent. You cannot fix him, change him, or comfort him. He sounds like one angry out of control person. Alcoholics are known to black out, I would stay very far away, he could very well harm you and not ever even remember.
There are so very many men out there without all this ugly baggage, go find one, write this off as a lesson learned, and never look back. Truly he is not in any position to be in a relationship, he is a violent mess!!!!!! Alcoholics take hostages, that is not a relationship. Run girl, and run far...............
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